Girlfriend Pictures In My House

[telecom69]

Not a sexual topic here.

Need an opinion here. I got divorced about 20 months ago with an ugly divorce where my ex-wife had an affair with a family members husband. I've recovered from all that, etc. I've met someone else since then after getting my head together and we're very close..my current girlfriend. We had some nice pics made and I have a couple of them up in my room on my desk. I've recently found out that my kids (16, 19, 21) don't really like the pictures up in my house. What do you think? The ex is still trying to get back together, but that is NEVER going to happen, and I think my kids want to see that happen to. For some reason I'm the bad guy because I have my girlfriends pics up. Comments?

Telecom

[Mikayla1]

Telecom,

I think that your kids need to know that Mommy and Daddy are divorced (they are practically all adults) and that Dad has moved on to a nice, new woman. That is YOUR house, you can put up pictures of the Pope if you want! You are not being disrespectful by putting up pics of you and the new gf, as long as you are not burning all the pics of their MOM!

Your divorce is still fresh, and who knows what the ex is telling them. They are not young, but they may still have issues about this. I suspect seeing the pics makes them realize that Dad has moved on and is happy with someone besides Mom, or may remind them of how unhappy Dad was with Mom. However, you won't be doing them a justice by hiding the pics from them, or not putting them up. I think the reality is she is someone you care about (love?) and they need to adjust.

Just my idea!

Mikayla

[Tyger]

Again, I respectfully disagree with Howard.

I am a child of divorce, as I am sure many of us are. I don't believe that it's any of the children's business why the marriage failed. Telling your kids that Mommy slept with another man, no matter how old they are is NONE of their business. Plus, it would sound bitter and mean to them. They need to respect both parents, and that wouldn't help YOU or her there.

No, I don't think that pics of your current GF is wrong to have up. They're old enough to know that. It'd be different if they were under ten yrs old. But they're not.

You're not sure what they are being told. And you really shouldn't ask them, cuz that would make them feel like they have to choose sides.

Just tell them that there were issues that couldn't be resolved, you're moving on with your life, and that you would like them to try and do the same. It's your house, you make the payments, or paid for it, and they can't tell you what you can and can't put up, especially in your space (I think you said her pic was in your bedroom?).

Slowly intergrate your GF into your life with your kids. Maybe just a dinner one night, movie one night, so on. Don't force her on them, cuz they will resent it. Also, remember to spend quality time with all of them, especially the youngest. A daugther will always love her Daddy. You have to nurture the relationship, and let them go when they want to fly.

Best of luck to you and your family!

[Tyger]

My mistake then. I got that from the "have a frank discussion with your children". That's what I thought was meant. I apologize.

As far as talking to the ex wife, it may be a good idea, when you think that she is ready to try and communicate as a parent, and not when she is trying to come back. Many divorced parents bad-mouth the other spouse, esp infront of the kids, out of bitterness (my mother and father divorced when I was 9, my father passed on in '98, and my mother STILL tries to do this!). If not now, when your children mature more, they will realize which parent was a bit more fair when it came to dealing with the other. That will help them in relationships.

Don't rush into thinking about how they will possibly treat your GF if she was to become their step-mother, for you are freshly divorced, and getting remarried in such a hurry wouldn't be a good thing for either of you or your GF. But it is something to think about later on. You don't know how old your girls will be when/if that even happens. You may find that you will have the hardest time with the youngest, but that may not always be the case. That is just from what I have seen personally, in situations similar to this at least.

I hope that this helps. This is just my view as a child of divorce, and as a step-parent as well. Good luck to you and your family!

And, I am online at that time in the A.M. cuz I get off of work at 2:30, and get online to relax before bed, BTW.

[nosleepnmesa]

Well myself also being a child from divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was 16. I honestly believe that you really need to sit down and talk with them, Like the others have mentioned. I know that when my mom found a new that she would hang pictures of them togeather on the walls ect. I do have to say though she always keep a picture of my dad and her on the bookshelve in the living room.

She talked to me and at first I was a little upset but once she stated she would leave the one picture of him on the bookshelve it was easier for me to accept the other relationship. Needless to say we sat down and had a wonderful talk and she was honest ect... She didnt tell me all the details of the divorce but minor ones here and there like exsample:we as you know where aurging alot and didnt think that it was healthy on you children and you will still have a relationship with your father ect....

But I do have to say it is YOUR house and YOU can hang anything you like I am not sure of the whole situtaion but as far as the pictures talk with you kids and if it helps maybe for the ones who are still living at home just a small 5by7 picture on the bookshelve or something of you and your xwife if there isnt one already and if there is then they are just going to have to learn that they cant control your home and tell you what you can and cant hang on the walls.

But I have to say if you dont already have a picture of you and your xwife on the bookshelve or coffee table somewhere and it is okay of course with your new then it is at least worth a try. Good luck

[Gabby82]

I am a child of divorce where my mother did cheat. I have read a few of the replies and I want to tell you some things. I was only nine at the time my mother cheated but I had an inkling before my dad did. You may not have told them and I don't suggest you do, that will just make things more uncomfortable, but they probably can gess. If not some family member will slip and tell them. Also I am of the belief that they are almost out into the big bad world themselves and you can't live your life for them because your YOUNGEST will be out of the house and on their own in 2 years. They will start living their own lives- you live yours. It doesn't cut them out. To help them I think you need to one sit your ex down and in no nonsense, no pulling punches terms tell her she has no chance and she is making it worse for her and the kids by continueing on in that vein. Make sure she is telling them the same thing or there is confusion.Then I think you should do what my father did. The only reference I have and I think he did GREAT! First he, from the get go, sat us down and told us he would NEVER have gotten a divorce if he wasn't sure it was over. He always said a marriage is a commitment and you do not break something like that unless you could not live in that situation anymore. It may hurt them during the conversation. I know there will be tears and questions but your children need to know your relationship with their mother is done. Not your reltionship with them. Reassure them they that you will never be out of their lives and no woman will change that. I agree with the suggestion of keeping a picture of their mother in the house where they can see it. It may make you uncomfortable but it is their house too. The pictures of your girlfriend I would regulate to your room, wallet and work. I f they have problem with that tell them just like their rooms it is your private place and they don't need to worry about it there. It is in fact none of their business. I can be very opininated on how to deal with situations so take everything I say with a grain of salt and do what feels right for you and your family.

[sam7970]

O.K., these kids are 16, 19, and 21, so I'm pretty sure they have a darn good idea of why their parents got divorced. Kids are NOT stupid.

It has been only 20 mons. (less than 2 yrs) since your divorce, so they might feel that you moved on a little too fast. Now I know that there are no rules on when it is an appropriate time to start a new relationship with someone else, but keep in mind that they are used to seeing mommy and daddy together. How long have you been dating your current girlfriend?

You really need to stop thinking of yourself as the bad guy, and TRY to see things from your children's perspective. I don't think that them not liking the pics of your girlfrind have much to do with hoping their parents will get back together. I think that they are just not comfortable with a stranger that's taking their mother's place in your heart, especially if you took down every picture of your ex (I'm not saying that you did, I don't know all the facts). And it's not a matter of whose house it is, who who pays the bills, or even if you've had that "frank" discussion with them, it's that they love both mom and dad (not necessarily together) and that your girlfriend IS a stranger that they are not use to and don't know.

Now, there is no reason to put away the pictures, its just that you are going to have to wait for them to get use to the idea of daddy having a new girlfriend. Respect is a two way street. They have to respect your girlfriend and her pictures, but you also have to respect their feelings and just wait for them to come around. You also have to remember that feelings are not always rational, and some times we can't always control the way we feel. We are all human.

[telecom69]

I am a child of divorce where my mother did cheat. I have read a few of the replies and I want to tell you some things. I was only nine at the time my mother cheated but I had an inkling before my dad did. You may not have told them and I don't suggest you do, that will just make things more uncomfortable, but they probably can gess. If not some family member will slip and tell them. Also I am of the belief that they are almost out into the big bad world themselves and you can't live your life for them because your YOUNGEST will be out of the house and on their own in 2 years. They will start living their own lives- you live yours. It doesn't cut them out. To help them I think you need to one sit your ex down and in no nonsense, no pulling punches terms tell her she has no chance and she is making it worse for her and the kids by continueing on in that vein. Make sure she is telling them the same thing or there is confusion.Then I think you should do what my father did. The only reference I have and I think he did GREAT! First he, from the get go, sat us down and told us he would NEVER have gotten a divorce if he wasn't sure it was over. He always said a marriage is a commitment and you do not break something like that unless you could not live in that situation anymore. It may hurt them during the conversation. I know there will be tears and questions but your children need to know your relationship with their mother is done. Not your reltionship with them. Reassure them they that you will never be out of their lives and no woman will change that. I agree with the suggestion of keeping a picture of their mother in the house where they can see it. It may make you uncomfortable but it is their house too. The pictures of your girlfriend I would regulate to your room, wallet and work. I f they have problem with that tell them just like their rooms it is your private place and they don't need to worry about it there. It is in fact none of their business. I can be very opininated on how to deal with situations so take everything I say with a grain of salt and do what feels right for you and your family.

My kids are well aware their mother cheated with our daughters husband. Nothing is secret there. It literally devasted the family and extend family of grandparents and others. My ex lives a life of hell now for what she did, and is starting to have physical and emotional health issues because of the guilt and stress. Even though she did what she did, I had to forgive her so I could move on with my life, and I'm trying to teach my kids that to.

Telecom

[Tyger]

Teaching forgiveness is one of the best things you can teach your children!

*clap clap clap* for you being the bigger person!!

[Mikayla1]

I agree Telecom, you are definitely taking the higher ground here...and I do think that as a result your son should understand that you want to take your GF with to the wedding. It is his day, and it is his "right" to ask you not to bring her to avoid problems, but what about his mother? Hasn't she caused enough problems?

I am thinking that this is not going to be resolved smoothly...maybe they should elope? LOL

Good luck hon,

Kayla

[Scout]

My kids are well aware their mother cheated with our daughters husband. Nothing is secret there. It literally devasted the family and extend family of grandparents and others. My ex lives a life of hell now for what she did, and is starting to have physical and emotional health issues because of the guilt and stress. Even though she did what she did, I had to forgive her so I could move on with my life, and I'm trying to teach my kids that to.

Telecom

Telecom - hats off to you. Sounds like you're doing just what needs to be done. It won't be easy and the road may be long with lots of bumps ahead, but persevere. It's hard for children, grown or otherwise, to accept that Dad has a new woman...and it ain't Mom! The fact that your ex is wanting to get back together now doesn't help the matter - and yes, heaven only knows what she's saying to the kids. Hopefully, she will have started to learn her lesson and be more guarded with what she says and does in the future. Be sure you tell her that there is NO future for her with you so that she is clear on that...

And you will need to put your foot down every once and awhile. Your g/f is your special lady now and the children need to treat her with respect. When you think the time is right, include the kids in some outings...July 4th fireworks ( course that's past now ) - picnic at a park - or something outside where talking is OK...let them have a chance to get to know her and they'll soon see why you've picked her to be in your life.

And take it slow and easy...lots of bruised feelings here and sore toes (from being stepped on)...I hope your daughter is recovering from this travesty in the same way you are. I'm proud that you've forgiven your wife, and that's a huge step - God willing that she has learned something from this...it's all well and good to have sexual feelings for someone, but each one of us always has the control to choose not to act on those feelings - especially when it is so completely against all laws of nature, of man and of good common sense!

Good luck - be gentle and kind -

Scout