Unwanted Advances?

[Tyger]

I'm curious, who's had a person give them unwanted attention, to the point of really being a PITA? What was the behavior? How did you handle it?

[crossroads123]

Yes, I have a good (w/o benefits) friend who lost her husband to suicide a year ago. I was best friends with both having been friends for 20+ years. She will call me and cry on my shoulder which I don't mind. She hugs, kisses, and touches me in ways I do mind. I have told her repeatedly we will Only be friends but that hasn't stopped her. She has a hard time taking NO for an answer. I don't want to lose her friendship completely, but I want to stop the physical stuff any advice would be appreciated. Thanks, Chuck.

[mystofpric]

When I was working in the theatre we contracted out to this local production comany anything that was REALLY big. Well I was crew chief for a jazz show and one of the guys from this company was there. Now this guy is hilarious and a really nice guy, all of us on crew loved working with this guy. SO I'm sitting with him at the sound board because my crew is gone and I'm basically baby sitting the venue. And this guy looks at me a says "Sue, I want you to know that I a flirt and I don't want to make you un comfortable." I told him no worries. Then he puts his head on my shoulder, awkward. SO I get up to run and do something and when I came back the group decided they were done for the evening. meaning it was timme to pack up and go home. This guy comes running over "Oh thank god sue they're done!' And in front of everyone plants a kiss on my cheek. WHOA. thta's not flirty any more. I talked to my boss to bounce it off him and he offered to say somegthing to the head of the guys company and I said no it was probably nothing and I was over reacting. But I asked my boss to keep an eye out and see if I was just over reacting or he was really crossing a line.

Well the next time I worked with him he pulled the same stuff and when I went upstairs to do something my boss and a co-worker were already up there and my co workers asked if this guy was always like that with me. I looked at my boss and he just said he'd fix it. Needless to say when I was working as an over-hire for the company for the 4th of July Festival and the head of the comapny asked me to join them (the entire company) for drinks it was a little awkward, but all is well now. The guy told me that next time he crosses a line to say something and he promised not to be so physical. Alls well that ends well right?

[mystofpric]

Yes, I have a good (w/o benefits) friend who lost her husband to suicide a year ago. I was best friends with both having been friends for 20+ years. She will call me and cry on my shoulder which I don't mind. She hugs, kisses, and touches me in ways I do mind. I have told her repeatedly we will Only be friends but that hasn't stopped her. She has a hard time taking NO for an answer. I don't want to lose her friendship completely, but I want to stop the physical stuff any advice would be appreciated. Thanks, Chuck.

Just avoid alone time with her for a little while, spend time ina group. And maybe help nudge her towards another more available guy.

[ladylove]

True to form ignore it. Only once did a friends husband not take the hint. We're no longer friends. Unfortunately my friendship with the women also eventually ended.

[square]

When I was working in the theatre we contracted out to this local production comany . . .

We get beat up every year where I work with annual sexual harrasment training. A key word in there is "unwanted" advances.

So, applying what I think they are teaching us to your situation, if you and I worked at the same place and I did that to you (flirty talk, head on shoulder, peck on the cheek) and you said "knock it off; I ain't interested; beat it, scram, get outta here," but then I kept doing it, that would be crossing a line and be sexual harrasment, and I'd get in trouble.

If I do those things once and you say stop and I stop doing them, then I'm not in trouble. (As long as I'm not grabbing your boobs or putting a hand in your crotch or slapping your butt; the kiss on the cheek I'm not quite sure about, 'cuz that could be considered physical contact of a sexual nature. Call that a gray area.)

If you don't say stop, I have reason to think my actions are not unwelcome, so in that case I believe that I'm still OK and have not crossed a line, even if I continue pestering you.

At least that's how I think it works. In the real world, I try to mind my manners and watch what I say and just plain stay out of trouble.

[ladylove]

you know my husband and some friend were talking about on the on the job education for this. They call it sensitivity training. It is absolutely ridiculous the things they think are important to teach people. Also it's a colossal waist of time management and money.

[square]

you know my husband and some friend were talking about on the on the job education for this. They call it sensitivity training. . . .

Oh, we've got sensitivity training on top of sexual harrassment training. Personnally I think it would be more cost effective to single out the sensitive people and give them insensitivity or thick-skin training.

Then we've also got ethics training and about six seperate levels of computer security trainings, business-travel-credit-card training, and a whole host of other things. I can't even keep them straight anymore. It gets worse every year. Every time there is some perceived problem area, the top dogs must decide, "We need to train the workforce."

[pappyld04]

Tango, wanna teach these girls about sensitivity training? How do you stop this shit?

[ladylove]

Oh, we've got sensitivity training on top of sexual harrassment training. Personnally I think it would be more cost effective to single out the sensitive people and give them insensitivity or thick-skin training.

Then we've also got ethics training and about six seperate levels of computer security trainings, business-travel-credit-card training, and a whole host of other things. I can't even keep them straight anymore. It gets worse every year. Every time there is some perceived problem area, the top dogs must decide, "We need to train the workforce."

They have a lot of those too. I think americans have become so over-obsessed with social correctness. Afraid to sneeze because it may offend someone. If you don't like something remove yourself from the situation or speak up for yourself to the person directly. You don't need to run to big daddy to fight your battles and get a cash settlement. Most of the complaints are about the cash.

In all fairness there are a few that are legit.

[Tyger]

I was on this blind date with an Hispanic guy. Very nice guy, polite, cute, long hair, spoke fluent English, worked at a custom motorcycle shop.

From what I've been told & by my experience, Hispanic men find going with a white woman almost a right of passage, or a way to brag how successful they are, so when they go out with one, they are very flashy, showing, and grabby. It's almost like a status symbol or something.

Anyway, we were driving in his car. He reached over and grabbed my hand. OK, no problem, we'd had a good time so far: nice dinner, went to a bar to play some pool, and met up with a friend of his. So we were going to his friend's house, and he grabs the back of my head (at a stop light), and tries to deepthroat me! LOL Anyway, I kindly pushed him away, and told him that it was way too soon, and to keep his eyes on the road. OK, no problem. So, then he tries another approach and slides his hand out of mine, and tries to go up my leg. I let it get about halfway up my thigh, and stopped him. Trying to be nice about it, ya know? He didn't get the clue, and tried to move higher. I told him no. He tried again, so I finally told him that if he didn't remove his hand, I would remove it for him....off his body. He got the hint.

We had an ok time after that, but it was obvious that he was expecting a good fuck for taking me out, and I just wasn't all into that.

One other time, I was at a bar, with my best friend (who towers over me and is a thickly built woman, but not fat by any means). I had a BF at the time, but he worked the night shift, and so was at work. He trusted me to go and said OK, so I just wanted to get out of the house, and just wanted to sit, have a few drinks, socialize, and maybe dance. Well, this one guy pushes my shoulder, I think meaning to poke it, and slurs "Wanna dance?" I said no thank you. He said, slurring, "Ohhhhh c'moooooon". And he winks. I said no thanks again. He comes over about 4 more times, always politely told no. The last time, my best friend was like, "want me to pound him for you?" I told her no thanks, but if I danced with him, would she come. Yep. So, he came up, and again, slurred the same invitation. I finally said "If I dance with you this time, will you go away???" He just looked at me and said "OK". And he really danced with me LOL! It was a fast dance. We do to sit down, and he tries to grab my ass. I told him to keep his fuckin' hands off me. I had a boyfriend, and I was just there to have some fun with my friend.

He then told me that I didn't love my BF. WTF? So, I asked him why he thought that. He said, very intelligently, "You're in a bar". Way to go Einstein! LOL Yes, I said that to him. He kept pestering me about it. I went up to go to the bathroom, and ran into a friend of mine: a big guy, that I went to school with. Let me put it this way, I'm 5'10", and he made me look SHORT! Plus, he was just huge!! Very muscular. I gave him the nickname "The Wall", cuz if you came face-to-face with him, that's how it felt!! LOL I loved hugging him too, cuz he was like this huge bear. I hugged him and asked him to do me a favor, he was game. We went back to the bar, and my friend, The Wall, posed as my BF (appropriate though), with his arm around me, and calling me "honey". LOL The slurred drunk was very intimidated. I introed them, and sure enough, Slur-Man left me alone. The Wall just laughed, and told me to come to him anytime I needed support!! LMAO

[synirr]

LOL Tyger, that second story was a hoot!

[makasha1]

Oh, we've got sensitivity training on top of sexual harrassment training. Personnally I think it would be more cost effective to single out the sensitive people and give them insensitivity or thick-skin training.

Then we've also got ethics training and about six seperate levels of computer security trainings, business-travel-credit-card training, and a whole host of other things. I can't even keep them straight anymore. It gets worse every year. Every time there is some perceived problem area, the top dogs must decide, "We need to train the workforce."

Square, Do we work for the same company maybe?? LOL

[Guest eminatic]

ok so i was invited to a party by my friend this weekend because i never leave the house. well he ditched me the second i got there and some guy started talking to me. we talked for a while and then he started trying to make out with me and grabbing my ass. i tried to pull away and he didn't get the message, so then i tried suggesting we should do something else and he still didn't get the message. so then i outright said to stop and he STILL wouldn't let go of me....then someone started banging on the door which startled him enough to let go and i promptly went home to shower and induce vomiting.

and then the guy who invited me...AFTER i told him this happened had the nerve to ask if i wanted him to "hook us up"

[pappyld04]

Ladies, Tango's thump-a-chump therapy works miracles here!

[synirr]

I'll say it again Em... IMO, you need new friends. Maybe some that are actually friends and care about you?

[mystofpric]

I'll say it again Em... IMO, you need new friends. Maybe some that are actually friends and care about you?

Well it's also an issue of basic safety rules. Always go out in number especially if you rnot sure of the people there. Use the buddy system, lame I know, but it works. Never allow yourself to be in such a private place alone with someone who is so intoxicated or just plain someone you don't know. Always keep your cell on and handy. Take a self defense class or two. SCREAM if you must. But go out, have fun meet people, but put your own safety first. Now as for what your friend asked, he was just trying to help you out, it's not his fault and he probably didn;t know what happened.

[mailahn97]

I see Suzy's point about being alone. I didn't even pick up on that until I reread it. How did you end up in a private room with him.....just seems out of character for you. Just curious.

[Guest eminatic]

we weren't in a private room, the weather is really hot here so the doors were open and we were standing just outside the room in the doorway, since the room had gotten so crowded many people were moving out toward the porch area. still in plain sight until he randomly shut the door (there was another open door a few inches next to the one he just shut though with people near the porch so its not like we were completely closed off, i didn't feel threatened because we were still in plain view.)

it wasn't a horribly threatening situation and i didn't feel panicked or in any real danger, just annoyed. i do have a pink case of pepperspray which i didn't feel was necessary...yet (a few more minutes might have changed things, so he's lucky someone interrupted when they did) as for the buddy system, the only person i knew was the guy who invited me, and he was trying to score with some girl and wanted nothing to do with me. i had 2 friends that i had planned on bringing, but one was already hungover from a party the previous night and the other started randomly complaining that she was tired and didnt know anyone and changed her mind.

and as for when my friend asked if i wanted him to later hook me up with that guy....that was AFTER i told him the story of what happened. he said "well sometimes when guys are drunk they can't tell they are being too aggressive, so he probably just likes you." also the guy wasn't even drunk, not that it would excuse the behavior anyway. =/

[Kama]

For the sake of anonymity, it has been hard fending off unwanted advances b/c I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor (a lot of us don't know how to say no). I'm working very hard on this now. Luckily, I'm able to assertively say no and set my boundaries at this point.

When I was younger and reeked of "vulnerability", predators took advantage of this. They knew I was shy, that I would "freeze," that I was anxious and that I didn't know how to say no. I used to be conscious of hurting people's feelings by saying no, but I realize that I must protect myself first.

[groupiekilla4eva]

Growing up when a guy I didn't like hit on me and didn't take no as an answer and he pursued anything with me, he got beat up. A man (or woman) should NEVER deny another person's right to say no. No means no and if they don't get that, I have ways of making them get it. It's probably an issue of mine actually since I'm a twin and when we were younger and still in a stroller, complete strangers (this is what my mom told us) would walk up and TOUCH us. Which in itself is as disrespectful as a stranger touching a pregnant lady's stomach. We took to screaming whenever strangers would approach us just so they wouldn't approach us.

I'm doing better now though because if strangers stare at me nowadays, I loudly ask them if I know them from somewhere or if they lost something over here? No more beating up people or screaming at the top of my lungs.

[revengenever]

Ok so through my best friend up school (who is a guy) I met a group of guys who will all eventually be my roommates next semester (five all together.)

Anyway one of the guys likes me and even though I wasn't into him, I agreed to a date (back in October) because he's a nice guy and well you never know . After the date I still wasn't feeling him and I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and that I really liked us as friends. He was cool with it and a couple months went by just fine. Things started getting weird though when I would bring my other guy friends to my house if we were throwing a party. All of a sudden he would through a tantrum about a 'unrelated' issue and storm out. None of my guy friends thought it was weird and eventually I thought nothing of it.

On my 21st birthday we went to AC, he came along and everything was fine until we were all getting ready to leave. All my other friends had left and he stuck around and asked if I wanted to get lunch. I told him I had other plans and he said he'd tag along. Nothing I said convinced him to leave, and eventually with extreme annoyance I allowed him to come with me. We were walking back to the parking deck when he told me he had a present for me. I opened it to find that it was music festival concert ticket that's worth somewhere around $280-300. I thanked him but very nicely said that I couldn't accept it. I gave him a hug and he tried to kiss me, no big deal, I just laughed a little and told him I had to get going and I thanked him again but respectfully declined the gift. He said he understood and went to give me a hug. I hugged him but he tried to kiss me again. This time he didn't let go, still laughing I pushed him off of me and turned back to my car. He grabbed me from behind, not too hard though, and whispered in my ear "Do you know what other girls would have given me for this?" Still laughing but in a nervous fashion I freed myself from his hold but he grabbed me again and said "blowjobs."

Shocked I completely pushed him and went over to my car. He ran over and stood in front of it and I begged for him to move. After about five minutes he seemed to get the hint and said "ok fine" and moved out of the way. I opened the door and was about to start the car when he jumped in the driver seat with me and tried to kiss me again. He sat there for exactly 12 minutes randomly trying to rub my back and tickle me. I know this went on for 12 minutes because I was forced to stare at the clock because when ever I looked at him he would say "see, it's a look like that..." and he would lunge at me trying to kiss me.

I must have said no and that I had to leave twenty times, I even started to cry at some point. He finally backed off when on his last advance I screamed as loud as I could. When he backed up, I slammed the door and drove off. What scared me the most is that he was smiling when I drove off... like he still didn't get it.

I told my best friend and the other guys what happened but none of them thought it was a big deal, so I decided to not harp on it. In general he's a nice guy, he just didn't get that I wasn't into him- acted extremely inappropriately. So for the rest of the semester, I avoided him and made sure if he was at the house that there were other people around.

Everything had been fine since, until last week when I found out he had applied to the place where I work for a job. The reason why I found out is that one of my friends over heard his interview where he adamantly told my boss not to tell me he was applying. He wanted it to be a surprise.

Ok so my question is... am I overreacting? I mean there were a lot more little things that happened but they're all minor. And if I'm not overreacting... what else should I do?

[Tyger]

No, you are NOT over-reacting at all! In fact, you should tell your employer that there is an uncomfortable history, that could cause some serious issues, including sexual harrassment on his part, should he be hired on. This behavior is very close, if not actual stalking.

He obviously KNEW you were saying NO, and didn't care. He's NOT a nice guy....he's a manipulator. He puts forth the "nice guy" act so girls will fall for him, he can get what he wants, and be on his merry way. And then, nobody would actually BELIEVE that HE could be capable of such a horrific thing as terrorizing a woman!

The thing with you is, I believe he thinks you're playing hard to get. It's a challenge to him.

Him staying in/around your car, as you declined a gift, and trying to keep kissing you, until you had to SCREAM is NOT ok, and, with his behavior and apparrent obsession, it seems to me that this could escalade into something more dangerous, like rape. So PLEASE don't ever be alone, or just with a couple of people around this guy. If you have too, leave. But don't risk it, he's not worthy of ANY trust.

And also, don't ever second-guess yourself. If your instincts are screaming "DANGER", don't brush it off, and think you're making too big of a deal about something. That's how a lot of women either become victims, or STAY victims!

[square]

The only thing wrong with Tyger's answer is that the font size oughta be about 10 times bigger, and bolded and flashing in some obnoxious color.

Nice fellows don't do what he did. This is beyond dope. Beyond jerk. Beyond schmuck. This is into psycho creepo-ville.

Keep a lot of distance between you and him. No smiles. No laughes. No being just friends; that bridge has been burned and must not be re-built.

I don't know what it takes to get a restraining order, but maybe a start would be to document EVERYTHING this guy does or has done, including dates and times.

Maybe talk to the campus police and see if they have any words of wisdom.

That he is trying to get a job at your workplace means he is not done with you.

Is he still supposed to be a roommate in the coming semester(s)?

[MystryKitten]

I frequently dye my hair crazy colors, and I HATE when older creepy men have the fucking nerve to ask:

"So does the carpet match the drapes?" Sheesh! It's only been a few times, and once I said a stern "NO" and walked away and another time I said rudely, "Excuse me??" And walked away.

I was 17 and at Ozzfest with two male friends and an ex boyfriend at the time who was my first BF. An older man with beard and a beer in his hand started talking to me about my hair (of course, typical pick up line most times) then he asks,

"So have you ever been with a man before?" I suddenly felt violated in someway, how dare he ask me that? And what did he mean? As a BF? Sex?

I think all I did was give him a disgusted look and scooted in closer to my guy friends who were enjoying the show. I told them about it afterwards and my one male friend is like, "If that happens again I can pretend to be your BF, ok?

Being 20 now, going to events or clubs, if suddenly approached by an unwanted flirt/drunk etc, my guy friends, AND my girl friends will all jump in to save each other and pretend to be together. I works quite well!!