How Do You End A Bad Relationship?

[zimmersdreamer]

I have been in this "relationship" for almost 8 years. Let me start from the begining (dream sequence music please)

I met this man in the wake of getting over my highschool sweetheart(HS). He was 20 and (gasp) interested in me. Well interested enough to go home with me, that by the way was WAY out of my normal shy charicter. With in a week he became my first "lover" and by the weekend he was interested in someone else. He and I would talk for hours and when he brought up the delema of liking both of us I told him to date her I would just be his friend. (Honestly I still wasn't over HS)

We remained friends and moved in together it wasn't long before we were sharing rooms and sleeping together. Sex (in hindsight) was blah to say the least,he wouldn't even kiss me! I nievely compensated quantity for quality (he was my only and he was experienced so i thought this was the best I was going to get) although we were sleeping together we were not a couple. He would show interest in other females, most of the time flaunting them as if to say he had options I did not. After a year I left him and moved out of state.

After 6 months I started 'dating' another guy. I made it clear that I didn't want a relationship but he kept pushing to the point I gave in. His work schedule took him away few days at a time and after 6 weeks of no contact I decided it was over. (The sex by the way was bad enough to make guy #1 look good) guy #2 was just young and inexperienced. Atleast he kissed me though.

I started talking to guy #1 again he had moved out of state, cleaned up his act, and desperatly wanted me back, begged for 3 months. We got back together and I was pregnant with in a month. Sex was not much better but as I said guy #2 made guy #1 look good, and this time guy #1 kissed me atleast. All was fine and dandy till after the baby was born. He forced sex, anal mainly way too early. He started flaunting again other females at me this time online and stated that I never had time for him. Things never got much better, they stayed pretty much the same but I stayed with him in hopes that our problems were rooted elswhere. Baby #2 (2 years later)was an accident(I was on birth control) he cheated on me and I caught him when I was 3 months pregnant. We talked for almost 2 days straight. I had issues, he had issues and we were going to try and resolve them for the kids. (He said my lack of sex drive was an issue, I said his lack of emotions such as again no more kissing was an issue) well my sex drive between 3 months prego and 5months was insatiable.we still had decided that there was no point in a relationship but I wanted sex, he wanted sex we would just have sex and stay together for the kids

But then HS came back in the pic and I became the "cheater"

Let me tell you that is when I found out what sex was all about!!! He was in a different state so we kept our "relationship" light mainly talking and once a year visits. I realized that I was still verry much in love with him.

As luck would have it my job brought me down to his state and I had plans to once again leave my kids father. He once again pulled the 'stay together for the kids card' and I agreed to seperate bedrooms. Somehow he talked me back into a relationship. HS and I had already decided against moving forward because of the complication of me having kids. He still remains a friend (at one point was a FWB)

Once I became financially dependent on my kids father he started arguments weekly arguments.he would acuse me of cheating on him with (get this) my toys! He would pressure me into sex, its gotten to the point that if I don't put out every 3days he starts an argument. He doesn't stop the "pitty party" or arguing til he gets laid. In the past year that this has been going on I have all but lost my sex drive, gained the ability to sleep through sex and have become physically numb to sex with him.

Okay, I KNOW I'm going to get blasted with 'why are you still with him' and honestly I don't know. I can point the blame on a number of things, yes I have had counceling but because the counceler was church oriented he kept trying to get us to reconcile. I had kept HS as a sex partner just to remind myself once a month that there was hope that sex would feel good, I had to stop because, although he will deny it, he was attaching emotions to our FWB. The last thing I want to do is hurt HIM.

My kids father know that I financially can't afford to live on my own in this state, 8 hours away from my closest relitive by the way. He throws it in my face with every fight. Which by the way have become the same argument every 3 days to the point I could write a script. I find my self giving in because I figure I could go through this hell for days OR put out for 5 min and it will all be over for the next 3 days.

I feel trapped! I listen to myself in my head say 'just let him go' when he threatens to leave, but I never say anything. Its not like we are swimming in money, I make just a little more than he does but with only one income there is NO way I could afford to live where I do and it would cost too much to get out of the lease.

I now have an option, to go back and live with my mom.this became avaiable to me litterly last night. How do I build up the strength to leave?

What was the straw that broke the camels back for those women that got the strength to leave? I've gotten to the point that I am numb, I don't feel the pain of what he says, how do I make it hurt enough to leave?

[ladylove]

I've never been in your situation, so I don't fully know. What I do know from your story is you need to get out any way you can. What ever that means; telling him before you leave, or sneaking out during the day and leaving him a note, just LEAVE! JUST GET OUT! You know, leaving will be your salvation right now, but do you know it will be the kids salvation too. Kids repeat what they see, not what we tell them. Remember that the next time you feel the need to stay, or you don't have the strength to leave. Do you want your kid to have what you have? If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. You aren't doing your children any favors by staying. Quite the opposite, any counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist will tell you that. Go to your mom, rent one room some place that you can afford, anything. Who cares if you can't have materially what you've gotten use to, your well being is more important. I would like to see you go to your moms. Ideally, she can potentially be your support system right now.

Get help! DO NOT GO BACK TO THE CHURCH, FOR HELP! Them telling you to stay is counter-productive. Find the local women center closest to you. They have all kind of resources to help you, despite your ability to pay. In some cases they can assist you in getting a better paying job, independent living arrangements, concealing, etc.... And who care if your not going to have all the luxuries you have now, you'll have your self respect, that's worth a whole lot more. The money will come later as you work your way up he pay scales. Your going to struggle emotionally and financially for a while, I think you know that already, Stay the course be tuff. Show yourself and your kids what your really made of.

Do not date, sleep, casually see any men! No FWB, no old friends nothing for 1 whole year. Buy batteries in bulk, get your head on straight, and find out why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. From your story, you've always allowed it. You need to break the cycle of your self destructive behaviors, before you can have a healthy loving relationship.

You are so young, you have so much ahead of you. Let today be the first day to the rest of your life. Good luck sweetie! Let us know how thing are going......

[ladylove]

Here's what I neglected to write before: Make a plan, write it down. Very important to write it down. Stick to it. Don't make your time line to long or it will get lost in time. Be proactive everyday towards your goal.....

Keep telling yourself:

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

[Tyger]

Well darlin', you certainly have a complex history there.

As to your relationship now, you say that with your job you can't totally live on your own.......here's the rub, so long as you can afford rent, some utilities, and some food, this is where CHILD SUPPORT kicks in! If he has the steady (on the books) job, you file for child support (even if you're not married), and that income is to help support the children (food, utilities for their benefit, clothes). Many people don't LIKE too, but, you CAN go for rental assistance, medical assistance, AND food assistance thru your state Department of Human Services. THEY WILL find a way to get you the help you need, and also MAKE the kid's father pay his fair share for the KIDS.

Your kid's father sounds like a control freak, user, emotional abuser, and wants things HIS way. Why should HE be worried about cheating? You STAY even if he's caught. You also fuck him (cuz let's face it, it's DEFINITELY not having sex/making love) when HE wants it. He doesn't need to worry about seeing the kids: they're already there! Plus, he gets the added benefit of having a live-in housekeeper, cuz you are THERE!

If you have nowhere to go right now, as in nowhere, file for the help you need. Talk to the counselor assigned to you, tell them EXACTLY what's going on, and how badly you NEED to get out of where you are. Trust me, they are there to help you, and, if you make it sound as bad as you have here, they will get you out of there sooner.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself here, just making an observation, but, you seem to let everyone else decide what YOU are going to do. You said so in your posts. Allowing the men to tell you where you are going to live, have sex, and who you're going to be with, all show that you allow this. It's time for YOU to take charge of YOUR life, not only for yourself, but for your children's lives as well.

Here's the incentive you should be thinking about:

I deserve to be happy.

And...

Do I want my kids to live like this too? Cuz kids, when they grow up, gravitate towards what they know. If you have a daughter, do you want her to think that the way you're allowing yourself to be treated is how she needs to be too? If you have a son, do you want him treating women they way that his father treats you?

Good luck & best wishes!

[zimmersdreamer]

Thank you! First, I have made a plan 6months, sooner if he becomes violent, I never thought to write it down.second, I have applied for assistance and been turned down, mainly because of his income.

Yes, I do believe that both my girls deserve a better life than me. Its hard to think they could suffer the same fate. I have fooled my self for the past year saying that I was suffering in silence and that having a father was better for them than not. On the outside, or to the outside world, their father is a good man. Up until a few months ago my moms house was a worse choice (she had he abusive husband) and yes through counciling I have seen I was basically 'dating' HIM.

Ladylove;

I used to consider myself a strong person, with every time a man 'convinced' me to do something sexually, I convinced myself that I made the choice and not been forced into it. I KNOW I'm in a bad situation, I KNOW I need out. I never thought about the hiatis I would have to take, it just never occure to me. I don't Think it would be difficult, but yea I will definatly but my sams club card to use.

Its actually hard to read the support I'm getting, I know that sounds weird. I'm sorry to dirty up the board with this question but my friends have ultierior motives when it comes to if I move back to my moms or stay in state. (Depending on what state they live in)

I tried the leaving him before, when I oved down to the state I'm in now, I thought my friends would support my descision. Unfortunatly I lost a lot of friends when I moved (two of the three I had in this state)

I have talked to my mother and a few family friends in her state. We have agreed on 6 months. It gives my job long enough for a transfer, me long enough to stash some cash, and tie up the loose end of the lease, its only in my name, I can't afford to pay it off and pay damages done to the apartment.I have a backup plan, it will cost more in the long run but if he becomes physically violent I have some options, a place in 3 different states I can stay till arrangments are made.

Thank you! Again, I know its going to be tough! I'm so scared that I will cave, I always thought that the 'battered women' shelters were for phisically abused women, not emoitionally too

[ladylove]

I'm glad to read you have a plan and alternative plans if need be. The reason I told you to write it down, is you are more apt to follow through to your goal, if you write it down. Assistance should not be refused a women in need. Check the yellow pages for women assistance groups or public assistance groups geared towards women in trouble. I'm surprised to here you were refused based on your SO income.

I get the need to stash cash and take care of loose ends, but if there is any way you can do it in 3 months or less it would be better for you. 1 month would be optimal, but there is a lot to put in order. Can your Mom front you some $$. The women shelters are for physically and emotionally abused women. Maybe they can help out in some way.

I'm glad you have gotten counseling in the past, and you have insight into yourself, but you should continue with your counseling in order to break the cycle completely. Depending on the ages of your children, they may benefit from some too.

Being scared is completely normal, so is feeling unsure and completely alone. This is probably the hardest thing you'll ever have/had to do. I promise it will help to tell yourself:

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

Just look at those babies of yours, you can't cave. It isn't an option. Remember that!

PS - looks can be deceiving, don't let anyone try to convince you differently.

Good Luck!

[ohshelly]

Sweetheart, ladylove has always had a level head and gives great advice. She is the best, we all appreciate her.

NOW...Do not for ONE SECOND feel bad about the support you get here, or 'dirtying up the boards'.

Each of us has had to face some hard situations in our lives.

All of us have been blindsided, hurt or confused at some time. Life does that.

The unbiased support you get here is what we do for each other.

I recently went through a rough patch, and my friends here where a huge source of comfort and support.

In many ways, some of my friends here, who I have never met in person, know me better then my friends here in real life.

I don't know where else I could be so honest and tell my entire story.

My parents or sisters surely would have dropped over from the shock if I had told them everything.

You sound like a smart woman who knows what is right for yourself and your children.

I wish you the best of everything in going on to a new (and happier) life.

I am glad you have a plan, and a backup plan, too. I am glad your family is supportive.

I admire your courage. Keep us informed, alright?

Support or a sholder to cry on is always here for you.

[ladylove]

Sweetheart, ladylove has always had a level head and gives great advice. She is the best, we all appreciate her.

Thanks ohshelly

[sun_flower969]

Sweetheart, ladylove has always had a level head and gives great advice. She is the best, we all appreciate her.

NOW...Do not for ONE SECOND feel bad about the support you get here, or 'dirtying up the boards'.

Each of us has had to face some hard situations in our lives.

All of us have been blindsided, hurt or confused at some time. Life does that.

The unbiased support you get here is what we do for each other.

I recently went through a rough patch, and my friends here where a huge source of comfort and support.

In many ways, some of my friends here, who I have never met in person, know me better then my friends here in real life.

I don't know where else I could be so honest and tell my entire story.

My parents or sisters surely would have dropped over from the shock if I had told them everything.

You sound like a smart woman who knows what is right for yourself and your children.

I wish you the best of everything in going on to a new (and happier) life.

I am glad you have a plan, and a backup plan, too. I am glad your family is supportive.

I admire your courage. Keep us informed, alright?

Support or a sholder to cry on is always here for you.

Ditto that! I too have been through a hard time... there is always someone who can relate!!

[zimmersdreamer]

6 months seems like the most logical for me and my moms family. I have brothers there that have just been through a NASTY devorce with their parents and it was my mom that just went through it.adding me as a stressor was illogical before the end of the year. She is preparing the house (we will be in a make shift room for a while otherwise) I am still getting support for the girls set up. The girls will be moving up there sooner than me because school starts in Aug up there.the transfer will take atleast 3 months. I can't adjust that without them firing him, he and I work for the same Company. Although he hurts me I can not bring myself to cause him to be wrongfully fired. Its difficult to arrange a transfer with out the gosip train taking off! But so far so good.

They took SO's income into account because we have been 2gether for 8 years and because he lives with me. I had applied prior to deciding to leave. I have a friend in the state that I'm moving into that is a counceler for battered women. She will not be MY councerler but we will be recomended to one. My girls are 5 and 3 but yes they will go into counceling.

I read this board every day! I gain courage from knowing other women have gone through this and worse and lead healthy lives. Thank you!!

I will keep you updated.

[ladylove]

I glad you have a plan underway with a time line and short term goals. I wish you luck, and strength.

[jlhf3]

Hi. I just want to say congratulations. You are obviously a strong woman because you are daring to get out and do what is right for you and your girls. I can't give you any better advice than has already been given to you on here, except to find a good counselor and stick with it until you work out your self worth issues. You would not stay in relationships that you do if you did not have those type of issues. Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse because it is harder to pinpoint as abuse. When someone is hitting you, it is obvious, but when they take blows at your soul, that is harder to see. Continue to be strong and remember that others have gotten out and so can you. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness you deserve. I am divorced and while I miss the companionship and sex, I am so much happier alone than in a false relationship with someone that wasn't treating me or my girls the way I deserved. I will think good thoughts for you!!