Cheating ... Is It Inevitable For Some?

[sass]

Back story:

I have a sister-in-law and brother-in-law going through a divorce. They have been married 13 years and were high school sweethearts (even though they both married others before coming back to each other). His job requires him to be out of town a lot.

He has been having an affair with a woman in another state for 3 years. He finanlly told his wife a few months ago, right before the birth of his twins with the other woman. He told his wife that he loves her and didn't want to lose her but that he also loves the other woman and won't lose her. He told her that what he wanted, was for things to continue on as they had been - her being his wife and such and them being together when he is home but also having the other woman in his life. He said he loves them both and had found over the years that he needs variety in his life, even with his women - that he could not and would not be happy with just one woman in his life for very long.

SIL did a lot of soul-searching, she loves him very much, but told him that she would not live the way he had suggested, even though apparently the other woman would have accepted it. I don't blame my SIL at all and I have supported her the best I can through all of this. BIL even understands and, while he is not happy that she made him choose between her and the other woman, he ackwowledges he did wrong but he is just not willing to leave the other woman and his babies.

So here are my questions:

Do you believe what he says, that some people can't be happy without variety in their life - every aspect of their life? BIL is not trying to say what he did was right, he is just saying that this is why he did it - not so much an excuse but a reason. Is some kind of inner need for variety a possible reason for cheating?

And, if it is, is this something that can be so ingrained in a person that cheating is inevitable, even if happy in every other aspect of their life?

And lastly, and I think I know what most will say on this one, can a person really LOVE another person but still do this? SIL thinks he never loved her. He says he did and still does but that he has needs (variety) that she is not willing or able to live with, and he understand that.

[hyokahey]

We have two major parts of our brains that profoundly affect our pair bonding: the neocortex and the medulla oblengata. The former is our 'civilized' brain, if you will, and the latter is our 'reptilian' brain, so to speak. Our more primitive brain commands us to pass on our (male) genetic material to as many willing partners as possible, while female primitive brains look for the best specimen possible as well as the male most likely to provide for her young (not necessarily the same male), and uses sex as a tool to do both.

This reptilian brain is very powerful, even after thousands of years of being 'civilized'. any man or woman who denies that they feel these biological pull to sexual experience with others, in my opinion, is lying to themselves.

Our neocortex, or 'civilized brain' is the one that is able to over ride the primitive instincts and respond to a higher calling: love, fidelity, monogamy. There are obviously many, many variations and combinations of both brains interacting, as in polyamourous people, people who have multiple partners but do not marry, married people who have brief affairs, married people who use porn to feed the reptilian need, and those who genuinely are totally monogamous. In addition, a culture in a particular time and place plays a part in shaping what is socially acceptable, or at least, what is socially acceptable to be open about.

So, to answer your question:there is an extremely wide variation in what is statistically 'normal'. Each of the variations you cite can be accomplished by anyone who chooses to do so. When value systems are removed, each variation is as 'easy' or as 'possible' as the next. Indeed, there are folks who think it not possible to step outside of their marriage to have sex with another, and find infinite variety in having sex with only their partner, for life.

[Mikayla1]

That was an extremely astute, scientific answer, Hyokahey!

Listen, do I think that cheating is 'inevitable?' No.

I think that there is something that overrides all of those scientific things that Hyokayhey spoke about is FREE WILL. We are a society of pleasure seeking, instant gratification, everything at our finger-tips people. I know that I am very much a pleasure-seeker. I seek it emotionally and visually. Much like that 'reptillian brain' seeks out pleasing images in porn - I do the same. I also seek out intelligent communications, humorous interactions, and yes, sexual responses. I like to feel good, I like to make other people feel good. However, each and every thing that I engage in (or don't engage in) is a conscious choice on my behalf.

I like porn - I choose to watch it. I like good food - I choose to eat it. I like to flirt - I choose how far to take it. Everything is a choice. I have had ample opportunities to 'cheat' in a physical manner. I have been approached by men and women alike - whether or not I 'cheat' is a conscious choice that I make. Do I think I am compelled to do so because I am a pleasure seeker? No. However, I do think that some people can not figure out for themselves that they have this complex dynamic in their psyches and as such do feel COMPELLED to make the CHOICE to cheat.

To get to the nitty gritty, what this man did was much more than just have sex with another woman. He, in esssence, had a separate life with her. He was with her when he traveled, he got her pregnant, he chose to stay with her and be a part of his children's lives. He CHOSE to do all of that. He was not sleeping with a bunch of women all over (from what I could glean from the information) but instead had two serious relationships. Do I think he was compelled to cheat? No. Do I think that he was drawn in to what this other woman had to offer and found something with her that he wanted or needed? Yes.

I firmly believe with all of my soul that you can love more than one person. I believe that even if you have a fantastic mate that sometimes you seek out what is missing in your relationship. Sometimes this is with friends, sometimes with hobbies, sometimes with sexual release. Do I give this as an 'excuse' for cheating? No. Each person has to justify this choice for themselves. I know that many people will say, 'But, if you get married you chose that person and it is up to you to communicate with them what is missing and work together on it.' Yes, this is true. However, to give a specific example, I am very interested in BDSM - in literal DOM/sub type sexual experiences. This is way outside of my husband's very vanilla upbringing. He and I have talked about this until I have been blue in the face, it will not change, it is not IN him to give me what I need in this area. So what are my choices? To just forget about this interest, to keep hounding him into something he doesn't want to do, or to find another way to get my 'fix?' For me, I read, write, fantasize about this type of sexual situation. I discuss this with people who are 'like minded' and I seek out others to talk about this with. For me, it is important to do this.

So, from the standpoint of the poster's BIL, he found something he was missing in this other woman. Do I think that it was right what he did? No particularly. Do I think it is a moral or ethical choice? I can't judge him. Do I understand how it happened? Absolutely. I feel badly for the SIL in that this is a huge realization to come to. I applaud her willingness to go on without him. I think that is a very strong decision to make. I wonder if he just needed variety or if he was unhappy with his marriage in general and that was what caused him to seek out the other woman? I am not blaming the SIL at all, it is his responsibility to bring to light what he feels he is missing. It is not her fault at all. However, statistically speaking, men and women don't normally cheat just for variety. That is a broad and hasty generalization. People cheat because they want or need something they are not getting from their partner. Period. Yes, don't slam me, there are some people who are just horny and have to have a lot of sex, but those people are way in the minority here.

So, again, do I think that it was inevitable? I think that if there was something missing in his marriage, it was inevitable that he would seek it out with another person. Do I think it is inevitable in a general sense for all people? I think if you do not acknowledge what you are missing in your relationship and try to communicate that, that it may become a driving urge to find it somewhere else, and then you make the CHOICE to do it or not.

[ladylove]

I agree with Hyokahey and Mik but I have a very overly simplistic response.

IT'S A CHOICE.

You make a commitment you honor it. You don't want to honor the commitment, get out. For me it's that simple.

[sass]

Thanks for the replies so far.

IDK for sure if he was with other women over the years of his marriage but I strongly suspect he was. I do know he had at least one other fling early in the marriage. This and the most recent are the two my SIL know about (because he eventually told her) but she and I both think there may be more.

I, too, agree that it is about choice. But, to hear him tell it, he chose for years to be monogamous and at the same time not entirely happy because he "needed" variety to be happy.

I think that the main thing he got from this other woman was the babies. He and SIL had children of their own when they married but never had them together. His two oldest children were not allowed to be a part of his life because of circumstances that have not been explained to me. These two new babies fill a void, I get that. SIL does too and would never desire to keep him away from them, just their mother, I guess.

Were there problems in the marriage before the affair? I am sure there were. He is away from home for his job A LOT. I have been in this family (he is my huband's brother) for close to two years and have seen him a handful of times because he is never home. This coupled with a wife who admittedly can be a little bitchy about things, I am sure, drove a wedge between them. But as far as I know, they were happy together and this affair was not about him leaving her as much has it was about him seeking another. At least that is what he says and from the actions I have seen, I believe it.

I really appreciate the scientific approach to the answer, too, because this might help with my next question, which is: Is there any thought that this kind of "need" is heredity? I am married to the man's brother, so it's obvious why I am asking this. If this "need" for multiple sexual partners is a primal instinct that is stronger in some men (and women) than others, is it something that is passed on through genetics? I imagine any answer would be a theory, but what do you all think?

[LilGreenPuffer]

Wow.

If he wants to lead a poly lifestyle, he's going to have to communicate and maintain trusting relationships, especially with the primary (his wife, to whom he's made a lifelong commitment). Even if I was okay with my husband being poly (which I would not be - just not for me), I would NOT be okay with it after he'd broken my trust like that.

[square]

. . . Is there any thought that this kind of "need" is heredity? I am married to the man's brother, so it's obvious why I am asking this. If this "need" for multiple sexual partners is a primal instinct that is stronger in some men (and women) than others, is it something that is passed on through genetics? I imagine any answer would be a theory, but what do you all think?

My thought is that it is not particularly hereditary, based on: My father-in-law fooled around, but his sons show no signs of being that way.

Another in-law relative fooled around, but her two kids (as best I can tell) did not.

Another in-law relative was pretty straight and narrow, but her kid is quite the unfaithful one.

On the other hand, to your question, is cheating inevitable for some, I would say yes, for some people. They are just built that way. But I don't think everyone who cheats is built to inevitably cheat. If that makes sense. I think sometimes they just drift apart from their spouse, or the spouse turns out to be a witch or douche bag.

[sun_flower969]

I think things affect you throughout your live and that shapes your character. My husband cheated, his dad was notoriously unfaithful. For My H... deep down he felt it to be some sort of rite of passage to have an affair. he had low self esteem and felt, that this meant he was more of a man, having secret sex with a woman who wasn't his wife... Just like his dad, and his father before him...

Then there is me... I had a rough upbringing, deeply insecure, felt ostracized for many reasons which made me desperate for friends and attention. I thought this was all behind me. Now it seems to be resurfacing in the way of needing male attention... I am not proud of this but it is definitely a good argument that your past can affect how you are and influence your decisions...

[Still learning]

So here are my questions:

Do you believe what he says, that some people can't be happy without variety in their life - every aspect of their life? BIL is not trying to say what he did was right, he is just saying that this is why he did it - not so much an excuse but a reason. Is some kind of inner need for variety a possible reason for cheating?

And, if it is, is this something that can be so ingrained in a person that cheating is inevitable, even if happy in every other aspect of their life?

And lastly, and I think I know what most will say on this one, can a person really LOVE another person but still do this? SIL thinks he never loved her. He says he did and still does but that he has needs (variety) that she is not willing or able to live with, and he understand that.

I believe in being faithfulness, even if I believe finding many others attractive. SIL did the right thing.

On one side of the coin I've been exposed to many stories of women looking for sex because their SO don't give them sex at all. Either they have it somewhere else or don't want it at all. They stay because of family or security. Not a pretty / happy picture.

[ladylove]

I think alot of behavior good and bad is learned, and repeated. Not all but a lot!

[Tyger]

I think Mikayla said it very well, and I totally agree with her.

I think your SIL did the right thing, and that, even though you love someone, doesn't mean you should settle for something you're not comfortable with. I'm sure she's heartbroken, but, in time, she will be able to move on, and hopefully find someone who can be there for her 100%. Because, when you're in an affair, whether you're the one having it, or the one being cheated on, you don't have 100% of your spouse.

[Tyger]

I think Mikayla said it very well, and I totally agree with her.

I think your SIL did the right thing, and that, even though you love someone, doesn't mean you should settle for something you're not comfortable with. I'm sure she's heartbroken, but, in time, she will be able to move on, and hopefully find someone who can be there for her 100%. Because, when you're in an affair, whether you're the one having it, or the one being cheated on, you don't have 100% of your spouse.

[ClickClack]

I could NOT cheat. It's not how I was raised for one (folks had 60 years together).

Another isi took a vow and I'm a man of my word.

Also our sex life is awesome, fun, romantic, Tantric and interment on sso many levels, I can't see being bored or needing validation from another woman.