Question For Girls

[riv]

I have to ask this question.I have asked many times before in different settings but never really got an answer.. So, WhY is it that if a woman says "not tonight , I 'm not in the mood" are we supposed to lay our pecker on the toilet seat and slam the lid, take a cold shower or just jerk off and forget it. But, If men are not in the mood, they are fucking someone else no doubt about it. It happens all the time. I talk to lots of men and we all encounter this from time to time. Not only that but women don't stop ya'll keep on and on and on and on grabbing, feeling ect. and often start an argument if we don't perform or puff up but we are supposed to like it if ya'll say no. Whats the deal with that? Huh? Huh? Maybe our pecker hurts or something, maybe it's not anything to do with ya'll could be that we caught our pecker in our zipper at work but not according to ya'll....we are fucking another woman.....explain that.

[Valntyn]

Well... I'm gonna first hope that your post wasn't a blanket statement about women in general, but maybe in regards to something that happened either in your personal life or someone else's that you know.

My husband and I are very often not on a same 'sexual schedule.' Sometimes it gets frustrating, of course, if I'm horney to beat the band and he's not, but I 'suffer through it,' either getting myself off, or just waiting until he's in the mood -- it kinda makes it that much of a better release when that happens. Knowing that I, too, say, 'not tonight, honey,' makes me remember that when he does it, it isn't cuz he's had his fill elsewhere, it's cuz he's just not in the mood! No biggie, at least in our house.

[riv]

Well... I'm gonna first hope that your post wasn't a blanket statement about women in general, but maybe in regards to something that happened either in your personal life or someone else's that you know.

My husband and I are very often not on a same 'sexual schedule.' Sometimes it gets frustrating, of course, if I'm horney to beat the band and he's not, but I 'suffer through it,' either getting myself off, or just waiting until he's in the mood -- it kinda makes it that much of a better release when that happens. Knowing that I, too, say, 'not tonight, honey,' makes me remember that when he does it, it isn't cuz he's had his fill elsewhere, it's cuz he's just not in the mood! No biggie, at least in our house.

Like I said, it's not just me and its not just in our house.I talk to other men and it happens all the time. There's no denying it. It has nothing to do with you but is meant in general terms. Obviously Howard knows what I'm talking about.

There is no way to explain it. Its the old Double Standard, and women your age were raised to believe that is okay behavior. Its not.

If you are only dating a woman, then you should not expect sex to be a whenever you wish it proposition. . If you are married, you both are suppose to have made a commitment to pleasure the other. You may not be in the mood. I find that question comes up when neither partner seems to remember what FOREPLAY is, or what flirting does! The way you both get in the mood for sex is by flirting with each other, making outrageous propositions all day long, Giving each other a time to nap and relax after a hard day, and, sometimes, understanding that he or she is just not going to be up to it because of reasons of health, no matter how much he or she would like to have sex.

Xaviar Hollander became one of my favorite people in the world when she wrote a letter in her Penthouse Magazine column taking on a woman who demanded to know why she should be expected to give her husband sex when she didn't want to do so! Xaviar took her to task, suggesting that if she is committed to him, she can at least give him a handjob, or a blow job, or even anal sex when she is having her period, or otherwise is just not in the mood to become aroused herself. The same for him. He can use his mouth, hands, and toys to get her off even if he is not in the mood for sexual intercourse. If a woman truly loves her husband, then she takes care of him. And vice versa.

I am sure you wish your wife would take such advice to heart. I think both men and women need to take it to heart. Stop being selfish about sex, and do you job. Take care of your partner's pleasure, or surely he/she will find someone else, someday, to do it for you. Telling your partner to go masturbate is just as selfish as simply telling him to go away. Partners love each other, and men like to have their women lovers pay attention to their needs, imagined or real. That does not mean he is going to die if he doesn't have an orgasm or three on any given night, but it does mean that his love for you is going to be less, he is going to feel shut out, and not loved, and he will resent you, just as this man is resenting his wife's attitude. That cannot be good for any relationship.

Finally, People who talk like this- " i am not in the mood " - are treating sex as WORK.

Adult Sex is Adult Play time! It is always suppose to be fun.

I can think of a lot of things I can't get into the mood to do, but having fun is rarely on that list!!! Particularly having fun with the woman I love, admire, respect, and feel honored that she sees anything in me. That she will put her hands in my pants, or pull down my zipper in the most unlikely places, and play with " her toys", and enjoys being able to lust after my body is the sweetest icing on my cake.

I hope this couple gets into marriage counseling, before they both do permanent damage to this marriage.

Howard

The dammage is already done and is irrreversible. I absoutly refuse to go to counseling because I have done my part and am at my ropes end. If there are any changes to be made she will make them....I won't.

[WifeMomSlave]

Ok I just want to say that we do not have a problem with the "not tonight" deal, however I do know what you are talking about and if you love and respect this woman like you say you do then talk to her about it. You say you want help in this matter but you are setting your own dubble standerd by saying that you will not go to marriage councling! I understand that you feel that she is negecting you by shutting you out, but this is a problem the two of you have and it can only be solved by both of you. marriage is hard work and it sounds like you have thrown in the towle. I dont really know what to say except if you are going to wait untill your wife "fixes" the problem...you will be waiting a hell of a long time.

[riv]

Ok I just want to say that we do not have a problem with the "not tonight" deal, however I do know what you are talking about and if you love and respect this woman like you say you do then talk to her about it. You say you want help in this matter but you are setting your own dubble standerd by saying that you will not go to marriage councling! I understand that you feel that she is negecting you by shutting you out, but this is a problem the two of you have and it can only be solved by both of you. marriage is hard work and it sounds like you have thrown in the towle. I dont really know what to say except if you are going to wait untill your wife "fixes" the problem...you will be waiting a hell of a long time.

I've done my part for 17 years If it gets fixed she'll fix it ...not me. But my personal relationship was not the original question. I do however, thank you for your comments..You certianly have every right to your opinion. Waiting a hell of a long time is out of the question.

[whiskeywoman]

I can't speak for all women or for your wife, but personally my "not tonite, im not in the mood" was due to my birth control.

Sometimes certain medications will just zap your libido into nothingness.

My ex used to try everything under the sun, he would leave me notes or touch me, or kiss me, and try to get me sexually excited, and it just was not going to happen.

As far as the getting it somewhere else comment,

this is usually brought on when there is a low self esteem issue.

A women no longer feels desired, because she realizes the consequences f her actions, when she tries to correct this behavior, and it is not met with a positive attitude, the first thing we do is lay blame on ourselves.

"I am too fat, my boobs sag, I have stretch marks, I am getting old and starting to look like a prune..."

Basic stuff like that.

Then it turns into paranoia, " oh, maybe hes found someone skinnier, prettier, with better boobs, better skin..."

There are a multitude of things that I could second guess at, but, I won't.

I will however suggest you two have a nice long talk, in a neutral area, and try not to be too judgmental on her, and she has to do the same for you.

Best of luck

[riv]

Obviously, this relationship did not get this way overnight, and both of you have had a hand in it. There is need for attitude adjustment on both your part, and your wife. If you are so miserable that you can't stand living in such a relationship, then end it. You will do yourself a service, and you will be doing your wife a kindness,too. You owe it to both of you.

I don't know why you got married, or when things turned sour in the relationship. Ending a marriage rather than going the extra mile to fix one is always something to be done after sober reflexion. But, unless you are glutton for punishment, You need to have a very serious talk with her. If she is not going to change, then be prepared to walk away. Life is too short to live in misery, and you will not like the person you have become if you continue to live with someone you despise. To thy own self be true. If you are at the breaking point, then walk away. Divorce is hard to do, but sometimes it is the best thing couples can do for themselves, and the family around them.

Best of wishes to you.

Howard

I have lot s of respect for You and your comments but we did not both have a hand in this marriage going south she did this all by herself I have carried far more than my end of the pole for far too long.. Not long ago we had a discussion and decided to make a list of what we thought we contributed to each other and the relationship. Her list was.....no shit....she makes my coffee in the morning and sometimes does my laundry. THE END. My list included everything else that has to do with running a household and now I make my own damn coffee. Now, I did not ask the question to have my marriage analyzed but to get an answer to the question I asked which was not meant to offend anyone....you once again came the closest so far to an answer that makes scents and I resepect that and I thank you.

I can't speak for all women or for your wife, but personally my "not tonite, im not in the mood" was due to my birth control.

Sometimes certain medications will just zap your libido into nothingness.

My ex used to try everything under the sun, he would leave me notes or touch me, or kiss me, and try to get me sexually excited, and it just was not going to happen.

As far as the getting it somewhere else comment,

this is usually brought on when there is a low self esteem issue.

A women no longer feels desired, because she realizes the consequences f her actions, when she tries to correct this behavior, and it is not met with a positive attitude, the first thing we do is lay blame on ourselves.

"I am too fat, my boobs sag, I have stretch marks, I am getting old and starting to look like a prune..."

Basic stuff like that.

Then it turns into paranoia, " oh, maybe hes found someone skinnier, prettier, with better boobs, better skin..."

There are a multitude of things that I could second guess at, but, I won't.

I will however suggest you two have a nice long talk, in a neutral area, and try not to be too judgmental on her, and she has to do the same for you.

Best of luck

You understood the question....thank you for your answer it makes scents.

[Mikayla1]

MANY of my frineds have said "No, not tonight" to their hubbies. This can be because of stress, anxiousness, kids, responsibilities etc. They tell me that the stress of the day caused them to not be in the mood. I tell them that sex is a stress reliever, that once they are in the moment they will feel so much better. For some reason, a woman can say this to he girlfriends, but if her hubby said it, watch out, he is a self-serving pig who only wants to fuck!

I am a firm believer in pleasing your partner - and this goes both ways. I am also a realist, and know that there are those RARE occassions when a partner just might not be up to it. Sickness, migraine, intense stress (not the everyday) can all be valid reasons in my book. However, I get that your wife is saying,

"No" a heck of a lot more than the norm. For that I agree with everyone else here - talk to her.

Marriages don't always last forever, and yours doesn't have to. I know, brash statement, but I have to offer truth here too. If you are this unhappy that you are contemplating cheating - just leave her - don't become an asshole and cheat - just be up front and honest and LEAVE! Bad sex or no sex (when you have tried to correct that problem) can be a very valid reason to split!

Good Luck to you!

Mikayla

[riv]

You do get the picture. Thanks. I have ask my wife for a date this weekend and she accepted. I am still trying to put this back toghether but this is a last ditch effort. I fully understand what you said about your ex wife. I think a lot of the problem is I am taken for granted. I take no one for granted not even my non wife person with whom I live. I put 100 percent into everything I do and expect the same in return. I married very late in life because I never found any woman who ever gave back what she got from me. I played the field a long time dated and lived with several different women including strippers , church goers, tall, short, slim and not so slim, educated, and not so edcuated. The one common denomanatior is after a while they took me for granted and I kicked their ass to the curb. This time is different...there is a kid envolved and I don't care what anyone says women will never love their kids the way or as much as a man does that is the reason they always go for the throat during divorce....."I'm taking the kids" is their first tactic. If this works out....fine.... if not you'll never hear about another wife from me.

[riv]

I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Its always best to try anything and everything to save a marriage. Divorce should only be the last and final option.

But what you said about moms wont love their kids as much as a man, I think it totally untrue. Yes, each to their own opinion, but not every women says "Im taking the kids if we divorce" I couldn't ever do that to my husband, even if he cheated on me, or anything. Our kids mean the world to us, and even if we had to continue living together just for the kids, we would.

Sorry, I just had to comment on that.

-Sylvina

Honey, You are really, really young but thanks for your thoughts and enjoy being young. I wish you only the best life has to offer.

Kinkey Guy

[sylvina]

I hope everything works out for you and your wife. Its always best to try anything and everything to save a marriage. Divorce should only be the last and final option.

But what you said about moms wont love their kids as much as a man, I think it totally untrue. Yes, each to their own opinion, but not every women says "Im taking the kids if we divorce" I couldn't ever do that to my husband, even if he cheated on me, or anything. Our kids mean the world to us, and even if we had to continue living together just for the kids, we would.

Sorry, I just had to comment on that.

-Sylvina

[zimmersdreamer]

i am young too so i hope my opinion is not going to be pushed aside. i have many friends who are older and in the generation that you are in, they, the female, feel that they have the right to say no. the friends i have, mind you we are a small sample, feel that men are always horney and only dont want sex when they have gotten it else where. i am not by any means saying this is always the case, my significant other says no every so often and he is not cheating on me.

you asked a blanket question and i am trying to supply a blanket answer. is it the case in every situation? no. but i know that there are many women out there who are verry much uneducated in the male mind. we think it is verry shallow and only includes sex, sports and cars!

good luck.

[Tyger]

I missed this topic when it first came about, and have read many of the responses.

I won't delve into the reasons why your personal life has some problems, since that wasn't the question. But I do think that the question itself is a good one.

Women, generally, have been conditioned to think that a man is up for sex all of the time. That that's what they think about the most, and they think with their dicks. And, the only reasons for the little soldier not wanting to stand to attention is either he is getting older, or, most commonly, he's seeing action somewhere else. Kinda like men are taught that a "real man doesn't cry"and women are PMSing when they are being bitchy type of BS.

When you're a couple starting out, the "sexual schedule" as Val so creatively put it, is usually on ON all of the time. Tapering off slowly. It's normal for people to fall out of the schedule. You can try to "pencil it in" to their schedules though. If not, then the fact that someone, male or female, may be feeling tired, sick, or just worn out should be respected and understood, and hopefully not taken personally. And nobody should have a tantrum or pout cuz of it either, IMO.

Hopefully, future generations can set this urban myth straight as well. Also, calmly telling your SO that you're human, get tired, and not in the mood is perfectly normal. Do it away from the bedroom, and in a lighter tone, not a pissed off one.

Great topic, and some great responses!

[nosleepnmesa]

WOW! I missed this topic to. I can tell you that when I say the "not tonight" term it is either because I am completely exhausted, stressed out, sick or any of those. I must admit though even though I say not tonight my husband has a way, he has woken me up in the middle of the night, rubbing my butt or rubbing his cock against me. He has even woken me up eating me out. So even though I might say not tonight he still gets it and trust me by the time he has woken me up in this fashion, oh he is gonna finish and the not tonight turned into later that night.

Then again if he isnt in the mood, then I have been known to wake him up in ways that he can't refuse. SO I guess the "not tonight" in our house is really later during the night.

I also agree with the other posters here, this is really a great topic with alot of information to it.