Non-sex Question

[telecom69]

Ok, this is not really for this forum, but I've appreciated the comments and suggestions I've got here in the past from what I consider virtual friends.

My 19 yr old daughter is four months pregnant. The father (25 yrs old) is a loser big time, almost never works (odd jobs, no regular paycheck), sometimes does drugs, no car or money, etc. In fact, he has already taken off and no one knows where he went. I'm sure he'll be back though. He has three other kids from two other women and he doesn't take care for or support them either. I've told her I'm not raising any kids and that she won't be living with me with a baby. Mentally I just couldn't take it and it would create major stress betwee my gf and I. She has no support herself to support it or raise it. She doesn't work, has no money or car either, and a 10th grade education. The family is trying our best to convince her to put it up for adoption, but she is against it. She is not responsible and cannot even take care of herself. She has already had one abortion a year ago. She is sometimes talking to a Baptist adoption agency, but she misses appts and counseling sessions on purpose. I am very serious (I'm 47 yrs old) that I am not raising kids and she wil be on the street. I have to be this serious and firm with her to make her realize how serious this situation is.

Comments?

[Meg]

Teenage pregnancy is something that I feel VERY strongly about. It’s also a very touchy subject for many. Having said that…

While I agree that it sounds as if your daughter might not be ready to take on the trials and tribulations of parenthood at 19, I question what exactly you're trying to teach her by telling her that if she makes the decision to keep her child that you will disown and put her out on the streets - would you really do that to your own child – your flesh and blood, or are you simply saying that to force her into a decision that you think is right? With all due respect, it sounds as if you need to talk to her as her father (a man who should love and support her regardless) and not as some guy who doesn't want to take care of a baby because it will cause stress between him and his girlfriend. I understand where you’re coming from – your point is that you feel she isn’t ready or stable enough to care for a child – and you may be right, but she is 19 and you, or your family can not make this decision for her, nor should you try. What you should do is give her information on ALL of her options and talk them over with her – as an adult.

People make mistakes. Perhaps she needs guidance, support, and love and not ultimatums.

I am not a parent, at 25 I recognize that I am NOT ready, or able to take care of another life. I've never had to make the decision to have an abortion, or give a child up for adoption, but I know many women who have, and let me tell you, it is the HARDEST decision they have ever had to make and I respect each and every woman who has had to make a decision such as the one that you daughter is facing and I would never, not for one second, think that your daughter doesn’t know how serious this is.

In my opinion, your daughter needs you to step up and be a parent to her, and talk to her about what’s going on, without threats, or anger, or disappointment, because I guarantee you – she needs it right now.

Good Luck,

Meg

[Mikayla1]

OK, I have a polar opposite opinion here....I am an adopted child, my teenage mommy gave me up when I was 1 day old. She was a junkie and had me with a married man. I had a wonderful life, full of support and everything I "needed" - and I know if I had stayed with her, or she had kept me, I would have not had the opportunities that I had in my life.

With that said.....it is not YOUR decision what she does with her child, it is hers. However, if she wants to keep this child she has to become responsible enough to raise him or her. That means, getting Daddy (the father) to pay child support. If she is young and poor she can get her lawyer paid for, they will file everything and he will be made to pay to support his child. They CAN and WILL track him down - believe you me! Also, she should start thinking GED and certificate programs (X-Ray tech, phlebotomists) something she can do quickly. I would make a deal with her, HELL NO shouls you be RAISING her child - BUT, if she is serious about keeping her or him then she has to be an adult and support it. I would offer to babysit (reasonably) and do other "grandparent" things - but nothing more.

I know it sounds like tough love - and it is - but if she wants to be a mommy then she has to act like a parent! If she just can't handle it, then you know what, adoption works - I am proof of it! A child is not something that you can just have and ignore - you have to parent it. If she is not ready or able then give the baby to someone who can and WANTS to do so.

I think the message you send your daughter is GROW UP, be a PARENT and stopping fucking around. Mistakes happen, pregnancy happens - I am NOT judging her. However, she has a few good months to get her act together. Teaching children responsibility is not easy or instantaneous and sometimes we have to give some tough love. I have had tough love in my life and LOVE my parents for it.

While I agree with much of what Meg said - especially the part about knowing you will be there for her. That is good, parents should be there for their children. What they should NOT do, is take care of their children's isssues, problems or mistakes without teaching them how to do it themselves!

You have a hard decision, so does she, try to make it a loving environment and all things will follow!

Good Luck!

Mikayla

[telecom69]

OK, I have a polar opposite opinion here....I am an adopted child, my teenage mommy gave me up when I was 1 day old. She was a junkie and had me with a married man. I had a wonderful life, full of support and everything I "needed" - and I know if I had stayed with her, or she had kept me, I would have not had the opportunities that I had in my life.

With that said.....it is not YOUR decision what she does with her child, it is hers. However, if she wants to keep this child she has to become responsible enough to raise him or her. That means, getting Daddy (the father) to pay child support. If she is young and poor she can get her lawyer paid for, they will file everything and he will be made to pay to support his child. They CAN and WILL track him down - believe you me! Also, she should start thinking GED and certificate programs (X-Ray tech, phlebotomists) something she can do quickly. I would make a deal with her, HELL NO shouls you be RAISING her child - BUT, if she is serious about keeping her or him then she has to be an adult and support it. I would offer to babysit (reasonably) and do other "grandparent" things - but nothing more.

I know it sounds like tough love - and it is - but if she wants to be a mommy then she has to act like a parent! If she just can't handle it, then you know what, adoption works - I am proof of it! A child is not something that you can just have and ignore - you have to parent it. If she is not ready or able then give the baby to someone who can and WANTS to do so.

I think the message you send your daughter is GROW UP, be a PARENT and stopping fucking around. Mistakes happen, pregnancy happens - I am NOT judging her. However, she has a few good months to get her act together. Teaching children responsibility is not easy or instantaneous and sometimes we have to give some tough love. I have had tough love in my life and LOVE my parents for it.

While I agree with much of what Meg said - especially the part about knowing you will be there for her. That is good, parents should be there for their children. What they should NOT do, is take care of their children's isssues, problems or mistakes without teaching them how to do it themselves!

You have a hard decision, so does she, try to make it a loving environment and all things will follow!

Good Luck!

Mikayla

Let me give more background. This is her third pregnancy. First time was a miscarraige, second time an abortion, and now this time. I did originally freak out with the threats, etc. Recently my ex (her blood mom) and I sat down with her and talked calmly about the options. She has agreed to look at the adoption route. I love my daughter dearly despite all the hell she has put me through over the last five years with drugs, getting in trouble, stealing from me, running away, etc. She has been clean for over a year now and I am very proud of her for that and I tell her so. She has never worked a day in her life and I believe in my heart she cannot take care of herself. Her mom is broke, and since I make a decent living, I will be the one who will end up rasing and supporting this baby because she will not be able to support herself. I am certain of that. My daughter will be there to, but I'm not in a state of mind to do that. The father is a loser and doesn't work, so he won't be able to pay child support. I know how that is supposed to work, but in reality it doesn't. I've already spoke with two lawyers about it and both told me since he doesn't work and he has no assets, getting any money from him is a long shot at best. She has a lot of psychological problems from when she was on the street when she was 18 and left for Florida, resorted to prostitution for food, and was also raped. As a father, knowing she went through experiences like that sadden my heart and soul so much. I have tried to help her get her GED and drivers license, but she won't put any effort to get them. She is living with a friend now since we just don't get along with anything.

Telecom

[stephanieleann1416]

i have another view of the adoption situation. my mom put my sister up, not so much by her choice but by that of her parents. she was 21, unmarried and living with her parents. she worked yes, and knew who the father was and what not, but my grandparents were dead set on her not screwing up there name (there old school southern, no marriage no baby type thing). so my mom put her up. she came back into the picture the day before my 12th birthday, almost 9 years ago. i can tell you from first hand experience the hell its reaked on my mom. not that my spaz for brains sister came back, but the fact that when she did come back, she told my mom horrible things. her adoptive parents were by no means saints. they were at the time adopting "special" cases. kids who had been abused or born with issues (my sister was born with seizures, she was left in the birth canal to long). her parents were nuts, however her oldest son is now living with them. adoption is an amazing option, however RESEARCH the parents. make sure they check out. my sisters adoptive parents ended up have to relinquish rights to one of their adoptive children because he was so violent, and he wasn't stable and had tried to kill them and my nephew. my sister has a sophmore education as well, did not get her ged, and works in the front office of her best friends father in laws bussiness. her boyfriend is a drug addict who has a wife and son in iowa and has an alias and a wrap sheet a mile long, oh and not to mention the fact that her, her flea bag boyfriend, and her two younger children live in a hotel. my sister goes through phases were she blames my mom for the way she is, to even blaming me for the way she is.

so please...whatever you do. if you do go with adoption, make sure the family checks out. dont force her to make a decision. she has option, the state can help, theres adoption, theres even open adoptions. a friend of mine in highschool did that and is now working on getting her masters in education but is very close with her daughter and her adoptive parents. they just call her auntie. so make sure she understands everything. i dont talk to my grandparents and neither does my sister, because they disowned both of us. they disowned my sister because they lent her money that she never paid them bck, and they disowned me because i didnt spend every undivided moment with them during my graduation (mind you my parents were getting divorced, my home was being sold, i was graduating, working full time, and seeing all my friends move away). so that shows you how unstabble my grandparents are.

just be understanding, and firm, at the same time. i really hope that helps give ya perspective on things from a different angle.

good luck!

[Tyger]

"People make mistakes. Perhaps she needs guidance, support, and love and not ultimatums."~Meg

I fully agree with this statement. A woman's choice to abort, keep, or adopt out is her choice.

Misguided, troubled, and usually promiscuous kids have a low self-esteem, wanting to be loved (and having a baby, in their mind, insures that there will ALWAYS be someone there to love, cuddle, and dote on), and finding it wherever they can. Drugs, many sex partners (usually unsafe), stealing, and just doing things that they know are wrong. Trust me, I have experience with this. My step-sister is JUST like this, to this day, and she's only 9 mos younger than I am. She was given ultimatums, chose wrong, and now has 5, yes 5 kids that she is legally not allowed near due to her drug usage, mental problems, some stemming FROM the drugs, and her threats.

That said, your daughter needs affirmation of love right now. Giving her the ultimatum "adopt or get the fuck out" is not really a choice. And, later on down the road, should she want her baby back, she may grow to resent YOU for making her make that choice. Can you live with that, and knowing you have a grandchild out there that won't know you or her? Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for adoption! There are successes out there (thank you Mikayla for showing us another one), but, again, it should be a voluntary choice, not a forced one. It's one of the hardest decisions a woman can make.

If she chooses to keep her baby, possibly that may help her grow up. Maybe she will want to provide a better life for her child. There are programs for rental assistance, Medicaid, foodstamps, and WIC. These will help her. If she fills out for TANF, which is sometimes monthly monetary payments, the seriously encourage and help that person get a better education. And that service will usually be only for a certain amount of time. BUT, she MUST go in to those appointments, fill out the forms BEFORE the due dates, or all of those state provided services WILL be cancelled.

She has a lot of growing up to do. If she is forced onto the streets, she will probably go back to drugs, so she will get that loved feeling again, and have to do stuff that most of us only read about in the papers. And that will make her want to keep the baby MORE.

No, you shouldn't have to support the child. Whatever state you live in, once the baby is born, and IF she keeps it, WILL track the low-life down, and order support. Getting him to actually PAY is another thing. But, again, she can go on the state for the help that she needs. That's what it's for. But, having a child, even after they turn 18, you morally should help her become a stronger woman, with the help of her mother. She needs guidance, love, support, and the FREEDOM to choose what SHE wants to do.

Good luck, and happy Thanksgiving to your family.