Love My Hubby Dearly.. But

[SpiderQueen14]

I seem to not get enough of what I need..... First of all he is the best husband a woman could ever wish for he gives me everything (besides the sex thing) everything we need (me and the kids) he works 2 jobs which is prob. why he's so tired all the time since he doesn't rest... BUT its just I feel like I'm the one chasing after him though he tries very much to please me.. I still want more and though he tries (sometimes he does give me all I need but its more like 2 out of every 10 times) he will finish and can't and finishes fast at that...

I wish he would be more wild but he isn't I'd like him to be more aggresive but he isn't and when he has ever tries he finishes to fast.. Like tonight (reason why I came and bought some stuff and am typin on the board) we fooled around he finished but I was no wear close so I was left hot and bothered and he fell asleep and saying I'm so tired.. I let him rest for an hr or so and went back to see if anything but no... Last night he finished twice and I wasn't finished and so I lend his hand and OH MY LORD his hand did what I wanted him to do.. I was looking for that TONIGHT.. even if I didn't get him... at least a hand???lol.. so I guess this post is more like a vent... am I the only hot blooded wife out there.. and I want to be with him even more because I am going away on Monday for 3 weeks with the kids... but he is sleeping he says he'll miss me.. REALLY???

He has to have cateract surgey on Tuesday which I am upset because I wouldn't be here.. He is a good and wonderful man only if he would be a bad boy for once.. YES I've asked and told him it would be so awesome but when he's tired it seems so fake cause he's not a bad boy.. what can I do?? Buy toys and pray for the best????

[Mikayla1]

I hear a couple of things from you here, so let me see what I can suggest!

First, I am happy that you have married a man who is such a good husband. Being a good man, a good father, and a good provider is so important to general life happiness. Unfortunately, men who are good providers and hard workers often work A LOT and hard and then have lots of stress and other things on their mind. Not every man is a sex fiend. I know this because my hubby went from sex fiend to "hard working executive" in the middle of our marriage and I was left with a loving, caring man who barely wanted to initiate sex!

I have always been sexually aggressive, but I went through a stage of "why should I always have to initiate?" What I discovered was, my hubby NEEDED me to inititate more when his stresses had changed. He, being the caring man he is, didn't want to overstress ME with a new baby and wanted to give ME space. Once I decided to start using sex as stress relief for both him and myself, starting jumping his bones, surprising him in the showers, giving him morning BJs, he became much more interested in having sex in general with me and he became a better lover than I ever thought he could be. It has been AWESOME!

Second, you indicate that he "finishes" and you are barely close. This is something you both have to address. The easiest solution is to have A LOT of foreplay - oral and finger play - for you. Then, you will have an orgasm or two under your belt and feel more relaxed and ready to enjoy your time together. There is nothing wrong with cumming before you have sex. It is a great thing to play with each other before intercourse. Good for him too.

Now, I do not know how long it is taking him to finish - if it is a really, really short time then you may want to look into cock rings or other devices and techniques to help prolong his time. If he is just stressed and tired and "giving you what you want" then there is much more to talk about. His willingness to finish you off via hand or mouth is wonderful and shows that he is a caring lover. I think the expectation that people finish together is a myth. It is not a race it is playtime - just play together.

Third, if you "wish" that he would use his hand to help get you off, then TELL HIM! Don't be so shy or timid, use your hand to put HIS hand on your clit to help you out! Tell him to finger you, tell him to play with you. I am sure he will be willing and able to oblige yiou! You are married and have a good relationship, bring your sexual relationship to the next level!

I think that about covered it, please post back with any new questions or concerns!

[Tyger]

I'm also glad that you have a wonderful husband, that has the drive and eagerness to support you and your family.

I also agree with everything Mikayla said. But I want to add that even though he should be helping to please you, you may need to cut the guy a break. Yes, sex is important to a marriage. But having a willing and awake partner is also important. Let him rest as well. He may not be ABLE to go as long as he use to because he's working 2 jobs, and is tired. I can't say I blame him. I don't think that being left hot and bothered is a good thing, but there will be times where you may have to either help yourself while making love (nothing wrong with playing with your own clit ), or masturbate while he sleeps. He simply may not have the energy.

On a night where you are both just relaxing and cuddling, maybe address your desire for him to be a bit more agressive. Try to put it in a positive, guilt-free way. If he starts feeling guilty, there will be added stress to perform, and no man needs that. How about a compromise or 2? Depending on his schedule, you could have one night where he could just go to sleep, and sleep a long time, and then there can be a night where he has to stay up a bit later to make love to you. And another night where YOU are the one that gets to go to sleep early. He can spend time with the kids, read them a story, put them to bed.

Also, if he's not taking vitamins, I would suggest he start. A lot of young men think that they don't need them, that they're young, and therefore, fine, but, if you really pay attention to what they eat, they SOOOO need vitamins!! These may make him a bit less tired. Eating more fruits and veggies not is only good for you, keeps you "regular", but also makes you feel better and you have more energy during the day!

Trust me, I know your frustration! My husband is away for a week at a time with work, then, on some weeks he's here, and coming off the night shift, for 2-3 days of his week off, he's trying to readjust his sleep schedule, and is a bear to live with! I often feel like I do everything alone, including pleasuring myself. But, I also try and understand that he is tired and worn out. He works on an oil rig, and it's physically demanding. It's been great getting him back in shape though!! But, I know it's hard. I talk with my hubby everyday, and try not to get too frustrated. Him working the way he does, allows me to stay home, and persue some of my own interests, and, of course, take care of our 4 yr old daughter.

So, if you ever feel like chatting with a housewife who can sympathize, feel free to PM me. LOL Best wishes! And, enjoy your new toys when they come in. Love to hear what you got and how they worked out for you!

[SpiderQueen14]

Thank you to all who has answered..but I have all of that.. I know he is soooo very tired.. and he needs to rest and when he should at times he will do something else though he knows he is pushing himself and then when I "need" him he is to sleepy and as for me pleasuring myself.. well Shoot my hands are wore out! lol I don't know what it is but its like my sex drive has sky rocketed.. and I need to cum at least twice a day with him or not and WHAT kicks my butt is that he will DOWNLOAD all this porn WHY? I'm right HERE? WILLING AND MORE THEN ABLE?? and I ask him Why and he says he doesn't know? of course that does all to bring my self esteem down and I've asked him is it cause I'm not what I use to look like before physically?( being I've had 4 babies now)I don't know??? Also when we have had sex yes he's come more then once.. but there that darn issue of my evil little sex drive.. I WANT MORE.. it really gets on my nerves because I KNOW hubby wants to please me but feels like he can't as I've heard him talking to himself when he goes into the bathroom to clean up but its ok because I will play with myself and tell him its ok and tell him to lay down night to me and which he does & falls asleep... and as for telling him that I want he to play with his hand I've done it the night before we had sex he finished and all of a sudden he was so tired again I took him had and told him to make me cum like he did the night before but he couldn't he feel asleep... and so I let hmm sleep while I stayed awake.. then 2 hrs later ( I couldn't sleep) I tried to wake him up and again told him to make me cum Please?? he looked at me put his hand between my legs and fell asleep again... then his alarm went of 45 mins. later.. and I looked at him but he didn't do anything.. .and left and I've been using my little toy ever since... I feel like a freak and really wish my sex drive would just calm down? anyone know what the HECK is going on with me?? I don't want to make my hubby feel llike he can't please me .. Thats the problem I love the way he makes me feel... I think does it have to do with that myth that a woman's sex drive will increase when they hit 30 or something?? My husband's 29 ?? I don't know.. I am so sad as today is my last night here until 3 week as Me and the kids are going on vac. that my mom paid for.. and all I wish is for him to tell me I want to have you before you go.. BUT I know that if I don't look for him he's not going to and I will leave and have to wait 3 weeks for any sex.. I've even though maybe there could be someone else.. just for a sec. but I know he loves me too much and when would he be able to since he talks to me everyday and I can Chrip him anytime "NEXTEL" but I still wonder you know.. and as for different times for sex .. I DO TRY as well not just at night when the kids go to bed.. Our 6 month old will wake up at 7am on the weekday he's usually home and DD will take a nap by 9 and I'll go and look for him he'll either be on the computer or playing his XBOX and I'll say why don't you go to sleep.. I will in a min.. and this will go on for like 2 hrs then he will finally go to take a nap and DD will wake up.. by this time I've feed her and her 2 brothers and then put her back in her bouncer and play Baby Einsteing and have min to sneek into the bedroom lock the door begin me and go and try to get a quickie... or I'll just give him a BJ.. all in all I just wish he's take charge just once.. I've told him I'm not fraglie and I even asked him what's your fantasy but he says he doesn't really have none.. COME THE F*** ON.. I don't believe it.. NOT ONE MINUTE.. of course I think I know what it is.. yes every man's dream... the 2 chick thing.. I am or was Bi VERY much in college but after kids that part of me has be away.. I was thinking even if I were to try that I don't think he'd be able to handle it cause he would finish to quick and it would be me and the other girl! Which I know if I were to open that Pandora's box it would not be a good thing.. as I know I would look for more females... My husband is the only person I've ever tried to be faithful too... TRIED because I have when we first dated did mess with another man.. and I try to keep that monster at bay and I've done so for the past 7 yrs. I guess that's what I am SO AFRAID of that my sex drive is going to take the best of me which I know it wouldn't be another man because I only want my husband but another female... I DON'T KNOW now I am just rambling see its just my sex drive talking again.. HELLPP its 8 am right now if someone is on PLEASE HELP ME.. He'll be home at 10:30 and then we have to go to the store to get a couple of more things I need for the kids for the trip for tomorrow... I've asked him a million times will he miss me and all he says is of course I'll miss you it would be nice if he'd tell me I am going to miss you first... OH I AM SUCH A MESS!

THANK YOU FOR LETTING me Ramble for so long.. and thank you for any advice..

(sorry for the type o's baby on lap-was typing with 1 hand!)

[Tyger]

I got a lot more from this last post that the first one, which is helpful. The first post didn't give anything except that he was tired all the time, and you were horny and dissatisfied. This one told that he also slacks off as far as basic attentnion to you and the family by watching TV or playing computer games.

I can also tell you are very frustrated. With good reason. Yes, Howard made some good points about maybe he's stressed about adding anymore to the family count. What is being done about that? Yes, he's probably stressed about money as well. In no way am I downing you having a large family, or blaming you for it either, so please don't take it as such.

Many men have a certain amount of ADD when it comes to what their spouses want to do, if they get distracted with something that interests them. My husband has been known to play Playstation 2 games for hours on end. At first, it use to bother me. Now, we make it a family affair. I watch him, give him points, and he even has me go online for some help codes. Even our daughter gets into it too. We've made it a bonding experience, and our stress levels have gone down. This may not work for everyone, but, just a hint anyway. Men seem to unwind that way a lot. So, you're not the only "X-Box/Playstation Widow" out there.

As far as your hormones.....you have a baby. Maybe your normal level of hormones have finally come back to what they use to be? Sometimes it can take up to a whole year for your body to readjust to everything after having a baby.

I certainly don't recommend you going off and finding satisfaction in the arms of another man, or woman for that matter. You're in a committed relationship. To which, if you're not happy, you NEED to voice that unhappiness to your husband. If not, divorce will come in to play. If you truly love your husband, you owe it to him to be honest, yet non-threatening. What I mean by that, is, even if you get severely pissed off, don't yell something that you'll regret like "I may as well find someone else who can please me". Things spoken in anger can and usually do bite you in the ass later on. Once something is said, it's said, and you can't take it back. I would suggest really taking the time to think about how & what you want to say, and how you may be able to explain yourself, when questions arise. Don't let your frustration get the best of you. Be willing to compromise for both your needs.

Good luck!

[clynn20]

Everyone has had some great advice on this one. I am going through a similar time in my marriage. My husband works two jobs, and only one truly brings money into the house. The second has on occasion placed us in debt. (He and his business partner have been building a residental & commercial construction company since 2004) He doesn't look at porn or play video games though. Thats me. We only have two children however neither wants to go to sleep and will not stay in their room either. Right this moment both children are out with friends and he decieds to go for a run with a friend. My sex drive has been very high the last few months and he is the one that is not really interested unless it is to roll me over in the middle of the night and be in and done in minutes with little or no foreplay.

Prior to the children starting their sleeping problems, the kids were asleep, I put on his favorite red chemise walked over to his recliner and tried to kiss him. He was more interested in the two men who were trying to pumle each other in a fight he had already seen.

We had no vacation sex on vacation. Not even once and we were in a cabin with our own bedroom and jacuzie tub. I did get some pretty good action on my birthday no big O but much better than what has become the norm. However I had to initiate. The other partner has always initated on our birthdays as an extra gift.

Oh and he has already had the big V so no worries there.

All this has been to say you are not alone. As much as my husband would hate to admit it, he is not as sexually motivated as before. No he is not having an afair. At least not with a person. His second job, but not a person.

If my sex life was better there would be no porn (so far just the free online clips) or those romance novels that detail the sexual longing and acts.

It is frustrating and for me not as satisfying when your oragsims are not caused by your partner.

Yes I do talk to him I know that some of you will ask that if you reply. He says things will be better when he can quit his "day job" and his own company can be his sole income. I am ready to tell him he is going to have to put a little money on a rabbit vibe or something of the sort. He is only into costumes and occasionally soy whipped cream (milk allergy).

He has been patient with me in the past when I was dealing with recovering hormonally from each of our children. I can be patient with him. But I cannot wait until my patience is rewarded. Maybe then I will be able to sleep instead of staying constantly frustrated with him snoring happily away beside me each night.

Don't stray & Don't give up. Men have their issues too.

[clynn20]

Thanks for the advice Howard.

I may have not explained the situation with the kids clearly. The biggest problem wiht the kids is that they are lacking the attention they want and need from their father. Thus it makes bedtime hard. They do much better when he is home and helps with the betime routines. Lately he has been depressed, there is also a history of depression in his family from both parents, and is under treatment. He is not always up to joining in on the routines or tolerent of our sons natural rambuciousness and our duaghter's moodines. (Some of the meds reduce sexual desires and I have not read up on the recent addition) I completly understand much of what he is dealing with due to my own troubles with severe depression that is now under control. The kids do not understand and are reacting in the only ways they know how at this point.

I have worked with children since I was a teen. I have a Secondary Education as well as Early childhood Education. I have worked in a Child development center and had to attend many seminars ranging from dicipline to the stages of development from conception to late teens. I am not a perfect parent by far but I do have quite an arsinal of tools when it comes to my little ones. That being said, it gets frustrating and tiring being the only parent in a two parent household. I know what kind of Father he can and wants to be as well as what kind of husband he can and wants to be. We are working on helping him get back there again.

As for our sex life, I do what ever I can to let him know I desire to be with him and he is as sexy as ever. The times he turns away or tells me to leave him alone I do because I understand and he knows I do. I have told him as much. Although I understand I am only human and get frustrated by our situation. My biggest fear is that we will both go through a rough patch while our medications are adjusted or changed at the same time. If it does I pray our children are grown and out of the house.

I've been on his side of this situation and he has been on mine. I am trying to be paitient until we are both on the upside of our disorders. I've been doing well for three years now. I have ups and downs but they are the normal ups and downs everyone goes through. As opposed to the irrational thoughts and panic attacks that I have dealt with since my early teen.

He has been under treatment for almost seven years now. The first medicine worked great up until a year and a half ago. He tried to blame it on mono, which he did have. Hoever a year later when his blood work finally came back normal the doctor realized how much his depression was a part of what was going on with him. That was about four months ago. The first new med worked but not quite well enough. We are waitiing to see how the new combination of meds works. So far it makes him sleepy thus the sex problems. My first meds did me the same way except he can get aroused, I didn't. They have told him to reduce the prescirbed amount. He tried half the amount and still it was too much. Now they have reduced him to 1/4 the origional dose. I am seeing some improvements he helped tuck the kids in last night. They went right to sleep. He even joined our tea party in between the "day job" and a meeting with a client. He is going on an over night camping trip with a friend for some male bonding. It is a good step. Soon he will be back to touching me in places the kids should not see him touching me and grinning when I tell him that one of the kids could come in the room at any minute and whispering in my ear what is likely to happen when the kids go to bed.

Reading the origional post set off a venting session for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. Sorry this post is so long.

Sexysouthernmom

[clynn20]

Thanks for the advice Howard.

I may have not explained the situation with the kids clearly. The biggest problem wiht the kids is that they are lacking the attention they want and need from their father. Thus it makes bedtime hard. They do much better when he is home and helps with the betime routines. Lately he has been depressed, there is also a history of depression in his family from both parents, and is under treatment. He is not always up to joining in on the routines or tolerent of our sons natural rambuciousness and our duaghter's moodines. (Some of the meds reduce sexual desires and I have not read up on the recent addition) I completly understand much of what he is dealing with due to my own troubles with severe depression that is now under control. The kids do not understand and are reacting in the only ways they know how at this point.

I have worked with children since I was a teen. I have a Secondary Education as well as Early childhood Education. I have worked in a Child development center and had to attend many seminars ranging from dicipline to the stages of development from conception to late teens. I am not a perfect parent by far but I do have quite an arsinal of tools when it comes to my little ones. That being said, it gets frustrating and tiring being the only parent in a two parent household. I know what kind of Father he can and wants to be as well as what kind of husband he can and wants to be. We are working on helping him get back there again.

As for our sex life, I do what ever I can to let him know I desire to be with him and he is as sexy as ever. The times he turns away or tells me to leave him alone I do because I understand and he knows I do. I have told him as much. Although I understand I am only human and get frustrated by our situation. My biggest fear is that we will both go through a rough patch while our medications are adjusted or changed at the same time. If it does I pray our children are grown and out of the house.

I've been on his side of this situation and he has been on mine. I am trying to be paitient until we are both on the upside of our disorders. I've been doing well for three years now. I have ups and downs but they are the normal ups and downs everyone goes through. As opposed to the irrational thoughts and panic attacks that I have dealt with since my early teen.

He has been under treatment for almost seven years now. The first medicine worked great up until a year and a half ago. He tried to blame it on mono, which he did have. Hoever a year later when his blood work finally came back normal the doctor realized how much his depression was a part of what was going on with him. That was about four months ago. The first new med worked but not quite well enough. We are waitiing to see how the new combination of meds works. So far it makes him sleepy thus the sex problems. My first meds did me the same way except he can get aroused, I didn't. They have told him to reduce the prescirbed amount. He tried half the amount and still it was too much. Now they have reduced him to 1/4 the origional dose. I am seeing some improvements he helped tuck the kids in last night. They went right to sleep. He even joined our tea party in between the "day job" and a meeting with a client. He is going on an over night camping trip with a friend for some male bonding. It is a good step. Soon he will be back to touching me in places the kids should not see him touching me and grinning when I tell him that one of the kids could come in the room at any minute and whispering in my ear what is likely to happen when the kids go to bed.

Reading the origional post set off a venting session for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. Sorry this post is so long.

Sexysouthernmom

[clynn20]

Thanks for the advice Howard.

I may have not explained the situation with the kids clearly. The biggest problem wiht the kids is that they are lacking the attention they want and need from their father. Thus it makes bedtime hard. They do much better when he is home and helps with the betime routines. Lately he has been depressed, there is also a history of depression in his family from both parents, and is under treatment. He is not always up to joining in on the routines or tolerent of our sons natural rambuciousness and our duaghter's moodines. (Some of the meds reduce sexual desires and I have not read up on the recent addition) I completly understand much of what he is dealing with due to my own troubles with severe depression that is now under control. The kids do not understand and are reacting in the only ways they know how at this point.

I have worked with children since I was a teen. I have a Secondary Education as well as Early childhood Education. I have worked in a Child development center and had to attend many seminars ranging from dicipline to the stages of development from conception to late teens. I am not a perfect parent by far but I do have quite an arsinal of tools when it comes to my little ones. That being said, it gets frustrating and tiring being the only parent in a two parent household. I know what kind of Father he can and wants to be as well as what kind of husband he can and wants to be. We are working on helping him get back there again.

As for our sex life, I do what ever I can to let him know I desire to be with him and he is as sexy as ever. The times he turns away or tells me to leave him alone I do because I understand and he knows I do. I have told him as much. Although I understand I am only human and get frustrated by our situation. My biggest fear is that we will both go through a rough patch while our medications are adjusted or changed at the same time. If it does I pray our children are grown and out of the house.

I've been on his side of this situation and he has been on mine. I am trying to be paitient until we are both on the upside of our disorders. I've been doing well for three years now. I have ups and downs but they are the normal ups and downs everyone goes through. As opposed to the irrational thoughts and panic attacks that I have dealt with since my early teen.

He has been under treatment for almost seven years now. The first medicine worked great up until a year and a half ago. He tried to blame it on mono, which he did have. Hoever a year later when his blood work finally came back normal the doctor realized how much his depression was a part of what was going on with him. That was about four months ago. The first new med worked but not quite well enough. We are waitiing to see how the new combination of meds works. So far it makes him sleepy thus the sex problems. My first meds did me the same way except he can get aroused, I didn't. They have told him to reduce the prescirbed amount. He tried half the amount and still it was too much. Now they have reduced him to 1/4 the origional dose. I am seeing some improvements he helped tuck the kids in last night. They went right to sleep. He even joined our tea party in between the "day job" and a meeting with a client. He is going on an over night camping trip with a friend for some male bonding. It is a good step. Soon he will be back to touching me in places the kids should not see him touching me and grinning when I tell him that one of the kids could come in the room at any minute and whispering in my ear what is likely to happen when the kids go to bed.

Reading the origional post set off a venting session for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. Sorry this post is so long.

Sexysouthernmom

[Tyger]

You may already know this, but, if he is on a treatment plan for depression, under a doctor's care, that includes medications, that right there may be the problem. I'm sure stress and hating his job is part of it. But anti-depressants are INFAMOUS for killing sex drives. He simply may NOT want it due to the medications. There is a hard balancing act when treating depression with medication. Finding somethint that truly works for someone is hard enough. Then, if/when you find a medication that works, it may kill your sex drive! What??? How unfair is that!!! Have him speak with his doctor. He may be able to handle a lower dosage, or find a similar medication that has a lower effect on his sex drive.

Good luck and best wishes!!

[SpiderQueen14]

So I'm back from Vac. and while away I would call hubby daily and he would say he missed me only cause I said it first.. and though I do believe he missed me I don't think its as much as I missed him. I know he loves me but I really feel like is he in love with me?? I don't know.. what to think I'm confused... He did surpise me because he actually bought these toys that I'm like REALLY WOW... they are some sleeves for him to wear and this one that he wears and the other side is suppose to go on me and vibrate.. ALL and good BUT he is yet to use them... and so I am in the same spot.. As for Howard stating he might be scared that I might get pregnant well no.. and we have 4 kids yes but 3 here on Earth we lost our first little girl to SIDS last year and Gabi our last little baby was our blessing. We are not planning on any babies on the moment as I KNOW we can't afford it and I have my own Stay at Home Business I do to get things for the house.. Anyway.. When I got back I doubt we would have had sex if ONCE AGAIN I didn't take the step into starting it.. and honestly I am tired of doing so.. I did 2 days in a row.. Monday night and Tuesday.. and nothing since though I have wanted.. I know if I tell him he will say Oh Gabi was there (we are to move her crib into our room as she use to sleep in her bassinet and is too big now for it) We are moving the crib today but STILL the baby is not there ALL the time and yes I know he is tired from all his work but it just makes me think WOW a game is more interesting then me.. And its been 3 weeks since he last saw me and he is yet to make me think he really missed me.. OH well I guess this is the life I will lead.. I love him dearly.. just wished he have shown more of him missing me but instead its back to the same thing of me just wondering..

I do thank all who have taken the time in writing to me and trying to help.... it means alot to me.. at least someone is paying attention to me! LOL

[Tyger]

I am so srry for your loss due to SIDS. I can understand how scary having anymore children would be for the both of you. Just remember that SIDS is an unknown, and that it's nobody's fault. I must agree with Howard very strongly on his suggesting Grief Counselling. Loosing a child, no matter how, or at what age they are, is hard for any marriage to withstand. If you belong to a church, the priest/minister can help you thru it, or help direct you to places that can help out.

Your husband sounds like he has taken you for granted, as far as just being there, and both of you kind of cohabitating. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but that's really how I see it. Although, the purchase of some toys is a great start!! Working 2 jobs can be tiresome, and also adding in him trying to be at home, pay attention to the kids, and you, as well as grab some "down-time", it sounds as if he may be overstretching himself. Working 1 job can be hard, 2 jobs is very very hard, especially depending on the times he works. With depression, and the loss of a child, he may not have even really grieved long enough. It's really hard to tell.

Again, I hope you both go into counselling, together. Good luck to the both of you.

[SpiderQueen14]

Thank you so much Tyger and Howard for your kind words. It has been a hard year for us as it has been alot of emotions being losing Anjie and 2 weeks later finding out we were expecting (we were wanting to wait but it seems we were already expecting when Anjie passed) We have gone through help but I know what we did was more for me because hubby would go where ever I needed to go or whatever I needed to do. He is my heart I KNOW he loves me as no matter what I want or need he gives me or gets for me even if at the moment he can't he finds a way.. expect for sex right now?? which is funny in a way right. But also I don't think he has really griefed for our Anjie. He didn't cry for her and still hasn't I mean he shed a few tears but to cry as I've cried.. screaming and no none its been me and he's been there holding on to me though I've told him that I am there for him and wish for him to grief as well and he said he couldn't just cry for some reason though he tried..Though he's gotten books on Griefing and read.. Though when we were leaving for our trip he cried I mean REALLY cried cause he said he was going to miss our sons and Gabi and me.. Which I mean I thought you are crying cause your missing us but you couldn't cry for Anjie.. I know so mean of me to think that at that moment right but I did..He has gone to groups with other parents who have lost a baby and like I said I know he goes for me not for himself.. Do you think that has something to do with it? I don't know.. Like we have a site for our little girl me I go there daily and write to her there.. As for him I don't know.. I mean I have asked him about how he feels and he has written a few times to her on her site and each time he does its a bit more of what he's been feeling but then it takes for it to be a "special" day for him to write... Ok this post is going to the South... As for his 2 jobs he's always done that since I've known him and Sex was good always.. but then again I was working as well now I am a SAHWM maybe that could be it? AHHH if I could only get in his head without getting him upset you know.. Cause I know he's going to say well I'm right here you could.. WHICH I AM DOING.. or he's going to say Well you went to sleep.. WELL I WOULD WAKE UP just like I wake him up.. Right now I am wishing so bad for him to act like he wants me even if its once..to kiss me passionately you know I miss that and I'm always ready even if I'm tired hmm now that I think of it one of the toys was to stay harder longer OH SH** could I be doing this since my sex drive is WWWAAY higher then his and well lately when he's done I'm just starting and I know he feels bad since I have to end up playing by myself??? OK SERIOUSLY I'm going to start pulling out my hair now!

Hey Howard How about you talking to my Hubby for me! LO LLOLLOL

[hedgewitch]

i can empathise with you my hubby of 2 years just wants to take his pleasure in the one position

he showed me what sex was all about despite us both being married before i have learnt so much from him over the time we have been together but now its as if he isnt interested anymore

even if i initiate sex he just takes me from behind no kisses etc then cums very quick and rolls over

im finding as i get older the hornier im getting and without my vibe would certainly be looking for another outlet im sure

[Jenny007]

I am srry to hear this, Wishful.

He is making all the movies and behavior of a person who is no longer in love with you. Get to a marriage counselor, quick. Life is too short to put up with that kind of treatment. If he doesn't want to change, leave!

Howard

Well, everyone thinks a marriage counselor is a magician. I seriously doubt that.

At least you still some sort of sexual relationship with your hubby. I have not had sex with mine for 1 fricking year!

[thurisas]

Jenny007,

No one is suggesting that marriage counselors are miracle workers. Miracles come from taking and making something from nothing. A marriage counselor takes two parties who love each other and want to be together and helps them to learn to talk to each other and shows them ways to reconnect. There is a huge difference. The thing is... both parties have to want to change the way things are otherwise it will never work. I can see the frustration in your posts thus far and it seems to me that your husband has no idea what he has in front of him. You have to ask yourself if he even wants to change and you might have to be the one to take the big step and do something about it. Is a marriage counselor absolutely necessary? Maybe not. My wife and I went through some pretty rocky times where our sexual contact would happen once every 3-6 months. In our case, though, we were best friends first. Eventually we started treating each other like friends again instead of trying to fit each other into our mind's version of what a spouse should be. When we did that, we started talking again, started "dating" again (even though we were already married), and eventually our relationship took off in a better direction and here we are today. No matter how you go, it takes a lot of work and both parties to the relationship want to have to commit, otherwise you aren't married, you're roommates.

Thurisas.

[Jenny007]

Jenny007,

No one is suggesting that marriage counselors are miracle workers. Miracles come from taking and making something from nothing. A marriage counselor takes two parties who love each other and want to be together and helps them to learn to talk to each other and shows them ways to reconnect. There is a huge difference. The thing is... both parties have to want to change the way things are otherwise it will never work. I can see the frustration in your posts thus far and it seems to me that your husband has no idea what he has in front of him. You have to ask yourself if he even wants to change and you might have to be the one to take the big step and do something about it. Is a marriage counselor absolutely necessary? Maybe not. My wife and I went through some pretty rocky times where our sexual contact would happen once every 3-6 months. In our case, though, we were best friends first. Eventually we started treating each other like friends again instead of trying to fit each other into our mind's version of what a spouse should be. When we did that, we started talking again, started "dating" again (even though we were already married), and eventually our relationship took off in a better direction and here we are today. No matter how you go, it takes a lot of work and both parties to the relationship want to have to commit, otherwise you aren't married, you're roommates.

Thurisas.

There is not much new to what you are saying and I totally agree with it. It goes without saying that it takes both partners to work things out. I tried hard, and gave up after being 'dumped' and shamed by my husband when I was trying. That is where the frustration comes from.

"Eventually we started treating each other like friends again instead of trying to fit each other into our mind's version of what a spouse should be. When we did that, we started talking again" What do you talk about? When we tried to talk, he poured all his long-time grudges and frustration out on me. Those instances happened many years ago and were discussed and apologized for previously. It turned out that he never really forgave me when I asked him to, he never let things go. Honestly, his tactic looks like an excuse to avoid a deep conversation and the unpleasant fact that he does not attempt to find me sexually attractive anymore. He got lazy and comfortable with the life as it is.

You said it right, we are roommates and friends now trying to keep it quite

By the way, the friend with benefits is too old to have any claims to being something else. And yes, he'll be fine being just a friend or a nobody.

[pappyld04]

I wonder if it may help for you two to set a day aside for each other. Get a babysitter and spend that night reminding him and yourself why you love each other. Sex is one of the best ways to show this but it isn't the only one. Baths together, massages, talking clean or dirty, dancing, fantasy, or whatever. If you don't remind each other that you are still in love then you are destined for trouble. I think a lot of people are so used to pursuing their partner that they start to feel that their partner isn't pursuing them. Slip love notes to him/her. Put them in their briefcase, the car, or anywhere you know he will look during the day. Unfortunately we appear to be addicted to the love feeling. When we've been together for a long time we start to forget and take each other for granted. Even if it is only 1 day a month that gets set aside for the two of you it is still better than nothing. Both of you have to work to keep the flames burning.