How Are You Sexy?

[shytigress09]

How exactly do you become sexually confident? I'm having serious problems with it and I know it's because of my body image issues but I really want to overcome that. I just don't know how to do that. I don't even know where to start. My boyfriend tries to help, but since we're in a long distance relationship it's hard for him to do much of anything. It's horrible, but I don't really believe him when he tells me he thinks I'm beautiful. It's not that I think he's lying... I just can't see the same girl he does when I look in the mirror. So I really want to work on it. I know it hurts him to know that I don't believe him and I want to be able to feel good about myself and throw on all those cute, sexy outfits and feel that they look good on me. Any advice ya'll have to offer would be appreciated.

[thurisas]

My suggestion is this. When your boyfriend tells you he thinks you're pretty, sexy, beautiful, hot, whatever...try to tell yourself 'Yeah I am' even if you don't believe it yourself at that moment. With a little luck and perseverence, you'll start believing yourself and chances are there's a good reason to. The more you start envisioning yourself through the eyes of your boyfriend, the more confident you will become. Do yourself a favor and wear your 'feel good' outfits that you think you look good in. Figure out what makes you feel good in those outfits, and see what you can do about getting more that will do the same. This is a way of empowering yourself to feel better about yourself. The more you do these things, the better you'll feel. I wish I could offer a quick fix, but when its your mind that gets in the way, the reprogramming takes time. I'm sure others will chime in shortly.

Thurisas.

[krisleightate]

What I do when I am feeling unattractive or unsexy I find one feature on myself that I think is great and then say to myself well if this is good, then everything must be. It normally helps.

[shytigress09]

thanks for the advice you guys. I'll try what you suggested Thurisas and I have been trying to get clothes that actually fit my body. I've lost some weight so it's been a little weird actually wearing tighter clothes. I've always prefered baggy clothes. It wasn't a huge weight jump, but enough that my baggy clothes were starting to be a bit too baggy, you know? This bf now is my first bf and he's really helped change how I dress. I'm getting more comfortable in form fitting normal clothes (I was fine with form fitting formals), showing a bit more cleavage and not keeping my head down when I walk. I know a big part of it for me is that I don't have the "ideal black woman" body and seeing that all over the place or at least women much closer to that than me... well is a little frustrating. I know it shouldn't bother me and I'm working on it. Cutting my hair to stop straightening it has also helped a lot, especially with keeping my head up. I've never been good at accepting compliments. Even as a little girl. I'm not sure why, but I am trying to work on that.

Again, thanks for the advice. If ya'll have anymore feel free to let me know...

[Mikayla1]

This is such a common problem, when women are pounded with images in the media of skinny miny women and they begin to think that they are the only "sexy" ones. The fact is, we women come in thousands of different shapes, sizes, heights, colors, bra sizes etc. It is important that each of us embrace our 'sensuality' and sexuality as well. We can feel unsatisfied about ourselves on the inside, but on the outside we have to exude a personal confidence that makes others feel that we are the sexiest thing in the room! IF we can do that outwardly, then inwardly we begin to believe and feel that yes, we are sexy!

As already pointed out, you should try to highlight your best feature. For me, no matter what size I have been from small to slightly larger, my breasts were always my highlight. They are large, but firm, and up until know (thanks be to God) they have not gotten saggy. So, if I were having a particuarly "fat" year, I woud always pick outfits and clothes that highlighted those and I would feel great about me.

It also helps to keep doing things that make you feel sexy. For me, whenever I get a fresh, Brazillian wax I feel uber sexy. Or, wear slinky undies to work. Perhaps even just attacking my hubby in a new way can make me feel sexy. It also helps that he finds me sexy no matter what I weigh - he has always loved my body - in all its changing forms.

There is something to the phrase 'sexy is a state of mind' cause it is. Now, while many people might tell you that there is "the ideal body" - for white or black women - this is not true. If we all looked the same, life would be boring. I am most sure that there are many men out there who would appreciate your body - go and find them!

Take all this to heart and begin from the inside with positive thinking and the rest will follow!

[Tyger]

I got a comment on my MySpace page the other day, which I found to be true. A quote from Sophia Lauren "Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful". Sophia Lauren was a sexy thing back in the 70's & 80's, and I still find her hot!

Everyone has given some great advice here. Kris said what I normally tell people. Start focussing on a single good feature, whether it's just for the day (like if you had a GREAT hair day!), or something that you like.

Don't worry about having the "normal" black woman's body! I live in Texas, and darlin', I'm surrounded by blacks and Mexicans, and I have yet to see similar body shapes!! I'm a tall white woman. Does this mean I should be scrawny and blonde? Of course not! Everyone is different. Celebrate your individuality! So what if you may not have a Junk In The Trunk Booty? I bet your hips can sway just as provocatively as any other gals!

Wearing feel good clothes is a GREAT idea!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when I wear boots! I just LOOOOOVE boots! I'm tall, and even though I don't "do" heels (I'm a clutz), just seeing boots over my jeans makes me feel sexy for some reason! And, silly as it may sound, I LOVE wearing earrings! I love big hoops! Simple, basic, and oh, so feminine!

Howard and Thurasis are correct. You can't just believe people when they say it. You have to truly truly ACCEPT AND BELIEVE IT!!! Own it, work it, and, most of all, have fun with it!!! Don't deny a compliment! Own it! Especially if it's one from someone who truly loves you for you!! Most men don't even think about complimenting a woman if it's not true (unless they're just trying to get laid). They don't bother. Is there something particular that you've been complimented on over the years constantly? Focus on that, and not your "flaws". Women are their worst judges! Most men don't even see the issues that you're worrying about, honest!

[newvixen]

I am a store manager for a women's clothing store. We carry sizes 4 to 24. There are just as many beautiful ladies that come in to shop on the plus side as their is on the smaller side. Find a store that carries things you like first. Then find a good salesperson who knows how to fit you properly. If she knows what she is doing she will be able to analyze your figure type and know what styles will work best for you. One of the most common mistakes I see women make is the whole baggy clothes thing. It works the same as if your clothes are too small. You may think you are covering up or hiding flaws but you are only making yourself look bigger than you are.

I had some self confidence problems also. The best advice I was given was to start every morning by looking in the mirror and saying one positive thing about myself. It doesn't matter if you say the same thing to yourself every day for a month or if you find something new to say each day. Just start saying something good. My hair looks good today, I have pretty eyes, Blue looks great on me. Whatever you say it must be positive. The other thing you have to say is: I like myself. I am the best me there is.

You may not think you're anything special but you are. We all are. We're God's creations and that makes us special. When you boyfriend gives you a compliment, smile, say thank you and mean it!

Good Luck!

Vix

[DirtiestMindedVirgin]

I have to second those who have said wear what makes you feel good! Have you ever watched What Not to Wear or a similar makeover show? If you watch the interviews afterwards, the people who undergo the makeover almost always say that they feel more confident! There's a little something to that old saying about how "clothes make the (wo)man." You may not be able to afford a complete, brand-new wardrobe (I know I can't!), but weed out and get rid of clothes that make you feel unattractive (if they have other sentimental value, then for pity's sake make a pillow or a quilt or something out of them, or at least take them out of your clothes closet and stick them in storage somewhere, so they don't tempt you to keep wearing them), and buy new pieces as you can afford them. What I do when I have a hard time getting rid of a piece I really used to like is remind myself that yes, it was fun while it lasted, but will I really ever wear it again when I have this, that, or the other in the closet that fits me better and makes me feel sexy? Not likely! Believe me, making an effort to dress well (not necessarily even sexy but neatly) every day will make you feel much sexier!

Also, you said you've lost weight. So have I, and I don't know if you've reached your goal yet or not--but I haven't. But rather than let that get to me, I just remind myself of what I've already accomplished. "I may not be size xx yet, but hey, I look so much better and am in so much better shape now than I did when I was a size zz!"

Now...as for confidence in the bedroom, well, I'll leave that to the people with experience. ^_-

[shytigress09]

wow, thanks you guys for all the advice! I've been trying to do what ya'll have suggested. One step at time. Since I'm moving across the ocean soon, I'll get rid of the clothes that don't fit and are just a bit too baggy (I'm keeping some for the field work I'll be doing (wildlife conservation major)) and pack those that fit me. I just got refitted for bras (turns out I'm bigger than I thought...) and bought some new ones. As for the short hair... I'm not sure if it looks sexy on me but I like it. My profile here has a pic and I'm trying to grow it out, but how knows how long it'll look. I'm not used to this texture, but that's a whole other topic for a completely different site. lol

Anyway, I don't really have a weight loss goal. I wasn't trying to lose weight, but when I went vegetarian it just happened. I got down to 135 but it was just a little too thin for my height (I'm 5'10"). I wouldn't mind getting a little thinner but I'm just trying to tone up some. I know it's going to take some time and thanks again for the advice.

PS: Howard, I agree... flip flops are such ugly looking shoes on people!

[dazzleme]

Wow, what an interesting topic I have stumbled into on a night that I can't seem to fall asleep despite the phone call with the man of my dreams a short while ago

I love all the suggestions given by everyone and I think as a woman this is a thread we could all stand to read every once in a while to remind ourselves that we are beautiful in EVERY shape and size. Confidence and the way we carry ourselves makes us beautiful and sexy.....as someone once said, "nothing is more sexy than a woman with confidence in herself" and that is so true!

I think sometimes we as women make excuses to NOT be sexy as well, sometimes it is easier to be down on ourselves than it is to actually accept a compliment or agree with someone telling us that we are beautiful and sexy. Learning to accept compliments is hard and until we actually do accept them then we are still dealing with confidence issues. It took me a long time to accept my boyfriend telling me I was beautiful, that I was sexy, etc. but once I started just saying, "ummmm, I know and you are handsome sweetie" then the confidence level went through the roof! Despite whatever size I am (I am not a small, tiny woman and the largest women either....kinda in the middle of it all) I can either be sexy or not be sexy and it is a choice I have to make for myself. It is the same for all of us whether we are a size 2 or a size 22.....we need to learn to feel sexy at any shape or size and learn what works for us to feel sexy and what doesn't.

Good luck!