Wife Is Ice Cold Now!

[cdrock]

This may have been covered already.

I have a issue with my wife, seems she has gone off sex completely & when we do, she seems to only be doing it for my sake. (Like hurry up please).

I have tried many times to talk to her about our issue of our sexual relationship, no go, she ends up getting upset & angry. Before we got married & child, we were on the road to having sex/making love nearly everyday, with more frequents quickies on weekends.

Now it's like a extended frozen winter when it comes to us having sex. I am so hurt by her not wanting talk to me about it. Help please, I would appreciate any & all feedback good or bad.

Thanks,

Big G42

[Valntyn]

This IS a common question asked. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of answers for you... only more questions!

-- How long ago was your child born?

-- Is she under any major stress?

-- Is she on any new medications?

-- How's the relationship otherwise?

-- Was there a specific "time marker" when this happened or was it gradual?

-- (NO, I'm NOT saying it's "always the man's fault," but I AM covering ALL bases when I ask...) Did you do something to piss her off?

It's going to be VERY hard to fix your situation until she's more willing to open up and talk about it, but there may be reasons even she doesn't understand yet that's making her clam up. If you can give us a little more information, hopefully we can be of some help.

[cdrock]

-- How long ago was your child born 2.5 years

-- Is she under any major stress? Not that I know or aware of, other thatn the normal everyday stresses.

-- Is she on any new medications? No

-- How's the relationship otherwise? A little up & down.

-- Was there a specific "time marker" when this happened or was it gradual? Before birth & slipping slowly ever since.

-- (NO, I'm NOT saying it's "always the man's fault," but I AM covering ALL bases when I ask...) Did you do something to piss her off? I hope I not pissed her off to the sense of this gradual menacing issue. I love my wife so much & I want her to be happy, content. I always try to she her that, hugs, spur of the moment kiss behind the neck, etc, etc.......

[Tyger]

Some women do find that, while pregnant, and even sometime after giving birth, their hormones are out of whack. It took me almost 3 years after my pregnancy was complete, to really wanting sex again. I had some health issues during and right afterwards too. But, I would suggest that you have your wife to go the doctor and maybe check her hormones, as well as maybe her overall health. Go with her, address your concerns. If there's nothing medically wrong with her, check out marriage counselling. Without more specifics, and since the "usual" stuff seems to all be fine, then, I wouldn't dare say what may be wrong.

[thurisas]

If you do a search on these forums, you will see and hear a lot of talk about mommy-mode. She may have started doing this when she was pregnant and never stopped. Also, if you're pushing her(and those little spontaneous hugs and kisses you were talking about CAN be construed as pushing) she may be dragging her feet even more. The biggest problem you're facing, though, is that she will not talk about this. Without the communication, you cannot possibly get a handle on this situation. You are not a mind reader and talking is key. Perhaps you need to rethink your presentation when you broach the subject. Remember, this is a we/us thing, not a you vs. her thing. You are trying to get to the root of the problem and have to accept that part of the problem may be something you're doing. With that in mind, keep your conversation away from accusation. It isn't 'You're not having sex with me lately' it should be more along the lines of 'Have you noticed we haven't been as sexually active as we were in the past?' It isn't 'You need to get this figured out.' it should be more along the lines of 'What can we do to get our intimate lives back on track?'

Thurisas.

[krisleightate]

I agree with Tyger you need to have her hormones checked out. It may be medical, or could be the mommy mode. But I would say check with the doctor first.

[Jenny007]

-get a marriage counselor (Howard’s' favorite)

[krisleightate]

Well hormone levels and meds can make you more more irritable, and the only way you are going to be able to get your partner to talk about it without being irritated is if they want to talk about it.

[Jenny007]

Well hormone levels and meds can make you more more irritable, and the only way you are going to be able to get your partner to talk about it without being irritated is if they want to talk about it.

[krisleightate]

My point is: you are digging for something what is not there. You are making things complicated by suggesting all that, when the original problem is a lack of knowledge/experience to ask the right questions, make your spouse feel open and willing to talk to you about it.

That is not always the case. If you stop and think about it he never says how knowledgeable and experienced he and his wife so so we are trying to help as best we can from OUR experiences.

[Tyger]

Jenny,

Where it does seems like we do often say the same responses, it's usually because of what people have told us in the first posting.

This man has said that he's tried several times to talk to his wife about it, and she either gets mad, hurt, frustrated, and shuts down.

Without a lot of specifics, like what he's tried saying to her, if they HAVE gone to the doctor, or if she has the need of counselling, it's hard to pinpoint an answer.

Some women don't even KNOW that they're having these issues, or acting like this. They think that they're spouse/lover is being too critical cuz the sex has died down. They may not see how much it's hurting them, the relationship, and their partners. It takes a neutral party to be able to help out, in many many cases. Hence the counselling advice.

I'm not saying that we know all, and see all. So, if you feel like you have some helpful advise, please please please share. If you have had similar experiences, please share that, that way people can see how someone else has handled it.

Like, when I had our daughter, my hormones were low, plus I had some sort of condition, for well over a year, that caused me to have extreme pain in one section of my vagina, making me not want sex at all. I had addressed this with my OB after I healed, and figured out what I was feeling, and it took several months to clear it up. Hence why I said that she should go to her doctor.

Don't hide your experiences, please share. We love fresh input!

[thurisas]

Unfortunately the only person who is able to have any inkling about how to broach a subject with their SO is themself. They're the ones who know him/her, They're the one who has spent, presumably, months or years getting to know his/her personality traits and whatnot. That is not something that any outsider can help another person with unless there are tons of specifics involved. That being said, there are some generalities that can be followed.

-No matter what you do, don't play the blame game. Whether you think so or not, if you're having issues in a relationship there are many things that could be contributing to that problem and you COULD be one of them. Blame will get you nowhere, find the root of the trouble.

-It is a matter of We and Us, not You and I. The problem affects both people in the relationship. As soon as you enter any type of serious relationship with someone, You and I should be tossed out the window for the most part because most things you do are going to affect the other person. That means taking as much responsibility for troubles as you want your partner to.

-Contemplate the problem, but dwell upon the solution. You know there's trouble, you know you have to think about the problem in order to find where the trouble stems from, but the problem and the cause thereof should not be your focus. The solution is what matters because that is how you are going to move forward from the troubles. Dwelling on the problem leads you back to the blame game.

-Listening is an important part of communication. Ask yourself if you are listening to what your partner has to say or are you just hearing it? Are you acknowledging your partner and giving feedback based on what your partner is saying? If you aren't, then you'll never be able to contemplate your problem effectively to get to your solution and you are forgetting that there is no You and I anymore, it is We and Us.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

Well, I think that there is a lot of good advice here. We get this question in different forms A LOT! I think one of the most common questions in general on this forum is how to get a partner more interested in sex. The fact is, most of us do NOT have even sex drives to our partner, which makes it difficult to say the least.

There are many reasons why people start to loose interest in sex. Some of the reasons have been mentioned here. We regulars normally know the process now of asking all the questions with regard to hormones, medical background, children, stress, etc. All of these things CAN and DO affect sex drive.

Then there is the other point about communication. Yes, we definitely need to stress open and honest communication. It seems to me, by the original post, that this man's partner is NOT receptive to talk. He says that she gets angry and doesn't want to talk about it. He came here looking for answers. The fact is, no one can answer this question - all we can do is speculate. We try to figure out reasons why this can happen, but truthfully no one knows other than this woman.

All the advice here is point on - especially Thurisis when he talks about the "us and the we" - this is true. It may be HER that has the issue, but it is BOTH of you that suffers from it. Surely she is not oblivious to the fact that she has no sex drive. Talking about things in a non-judgmental manner is the best way to attack it. Ask her about the other things -you may be suprised what she finds stressful. You may be surprised that she has been depressed or overwhelmed. THings may be going on that you know nothing about. She is probably in "Mommy Mode," her hormones probably ARE all messed up, I am sure if she is a Mom she is stressed. There is a lot to talk aobut, and if you simply approach it as "I want to help and talk" and not "I want to find out what is WRONG with you" I am sure the situation will become more open and she will feel more like a WE and less like a SHE!

Talk, listen and understand - those are the best things you can do to help her and to help you.

[swoodzy]

I mentioned in another thread that my wife and I shared a journal while I was deployed. One of the things I mentioned in the journal was how I was a very physical person while she was not(she could go for months without acting on urges). When I got home after 4 months, she said she had not realized I felt that way. she used to complain that all I thought about was sex, now she realizes that we can just be phyically close and I will be happier.

Long way to say, write your feelings down. Give them to her. Let her READ how you feel. It is easy to tell some one how you feel, but if you write (not type) it down, she will see that you have actually put some thought into it.

After 7 years of marriage, my wife/love, now understands my perspective and actually gives me unexpected kisses on the neck. Since she understands me, she also realizes that when I kiss/caress her that I am not neccessarily trying to initiate sex.

Good luck