His Mother.

[mlynnc]

Let me begin by explaining a few things.

I have been dating the same guy for over 4 years now and I have always got along with his mother. She is single, works, struggles a bit in life - but a decent lady.

I have never really had anything against her, but lately - she irritates me at a constant. I don't even really like being around her.

She has three sons, one is 30, one is 25 and my boyfriend is 19.

She has ALWAYS called him 'baby', 'chick', 'Rossy' (his name is Ross), 'babes', etc.

She even calls her other two boys those names - and they are 30 and 25!!!!

Now... I have no problem with the fact that Ross is her youngest son, and in a sense her 'baby boy' - but for her to constantly call him 'baby', 'babes', 'chick', 'hunny', etc - it REALLY bothers me. I dont even feel right about calling him 'baby', 'babes' or 'hunny' anymore - because his mother calls him the SAME thing. How can I use those 'pet' names on my boyfriend - and have his mother refer to him as the same thing? It grosses me out and irritates me. Am I being immature here?

Another thing that she does is like 'pets' his hair, you know... plays with his hair. Now, I can imagine her putting her hand through his hair once... like, as a motherly caring gesture... but stroking his hair!?!?! That is what I do, when I'm being cute of affectionate. Again, this GROSSES me out - and I dont like doing that to Ross anymore, because all I can think about is the fact that his mother does the same to him.

She also says things to him like 'Do you want mommy to take off your shoes for you?' or 'Do you want mommy to run you a bath?'

COME ON. This guy is supposed to be my manly boyfriend, my protection. Not a big soppy mommy-toy. Ew.

Sorry for this post - it is mostly a rant. I really need help with this, I was actually considering seeing a counsellor about it - because it all seriously stresses me out.

I have spoken to him about it before, but he just says that he brushes it off and lets her say and do what she likes because she is a single parent and her boys are 'all she has'.

Who is in the wrong here? Am I just being easily irritated? Or do you see what I am saying?

Thanks...

[Mikayla1]

Honey, you are dating a mommy's boy! There are THOUSANDS of mothers out there just like her - especially when it comes to boys. They get accustomed to it and as adults still think themselves "mommy's little baby boy!"

I doubt it will change, you have no right to tell his Mom how to act or behave with her son (even if it is a little icky) and your bf will most likely not even notice she is doing it.

So, either deal with it and take him Mommy and all...or dump him for a "real man."

[nu_2_toyz]

Can I just say....ICK...puke...barf...

okay, I married a momma's boy. they do eventually grow up but it takes a looonnnnngggg time

My dh was 24 when we started dating and his mom talked to him like a gal pal. She talked about her period and would rag about his dad. I thought that was wrong. It was funny, because once he started "growing up" she tried to come between us. Luckily, she didn't suceed.

I agree with Mikayla and Howard....either be patient and accept it or dump his ass. Good luck deciding!

[foryoureyesonly]

Regardless of whether this behaviour in your eyes is right or wrong, this is his mother. Mothers are sacred to their sons. He may agree with you 100% to your face, but, if he has any respect at all for his mom, he is not going to dis her to her face. I'm sorry to tell you this, but this is one argument, discussion, whatever you want to call it, you WILL NOT win. When my DH and I first married, my M-I-L was terribly critical of everything I did. From the house work to the cooking to the kids (think Marie from "Everybody Loves Raymond"). Okay, a slight exageration. She was more the quiet critical type. Tended to "cluck" alot (you know the thing with the tongue that says whatever your doing at the moment is so not the right thing-LOL). Anyway, when I would complain to the hubby, he would molify me, make nice with me, then say NOTHING to his mother. This was not an isolated thing to our marriage. It is rare the son that will attempt to correct their mother. (How do I know at this moment that Howard will absolutely respond to that statement? JK-Howard) Anyway, as I've aged, I've learned that you basically have to take these kind of things with a grain of salt. This is how she has always responded to him as a mother and you should also remember that, unfortunately and like it or not, you are a threat to that relationship at this time. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but rather she has always been the number one female in his life. There is competition for that affection now and she must have time to adjust to that. I know this all sounds incredibly unhealthy, but, as Howard stated, it is all very normal. I'm sure it isn't what you want to hear, it certainly wasn't what I would have wanted to be told at that time. But, look at this way, imagine what a loving grandmother she could be someday!

[Tyger]

I'm sorry that you're getting so frustrated. But, as mentioned, your BF probably doesn't really SEE it as a biggie. Men either idolize their mothers, or they don't. Men tolerate a lot more with their mothers, then they do in any other sort of relationship in their lives. Especially if they were/are single mothers. They have the need and want to protect and coddle their mothers. Yes, it can be annoying, however, there's nothing you can to do positively change it.

The only thing I would suggest is to either gently ask him to ASK her not to talk to him like a baby, or just plain ignore it. Men don't usually want to cause their mothers any sort of pain, so they just go with the flow, ignore the silliness, and really don't see a huge issue with it.

She may be grasping where her youngest is not so little or "young" anymore, and that she may be feeling like she is being replaced. Yes, you've been together for a long time, and she is seeing that. He was 15 when you got together! How many 15 yr olds are still with the same person? Girlfriends usually come and go, mothers are forever. She is seeing you as a bigger part of her son's life. You are "taking her little boy away" a bit more. Of course you will never replace his MOTHER. That is a different relationship. She may be hungering for a bit of mother-son time, which I would encourage just the 2 of them to have, and also to encourage the 2 of you to have ALONE adult time too.

Unfortunately, my father's adopted mother treated him like a child, minus the baby talk, until the day she died (my father was about 48 when she passed). He was the oldest of 2. He respected that she had been sheltered and that her boys were reallly all she had for a long time.

[thurisas]

The only thing I will add to what the others have posted is that you can come up with your own pet names for him and there are an infinite number of other physical things you can do to be affectionate. It will be work to change these things on your part at first, but I am sure you can do it.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

Absolutely! I mean, if you think he drives too fast, you could always affectionately call him Vroom Vroom. Or, if he's enthusiastic in the bedroom, you could always call him Energizer. There are several things that you could "pet name" him. Get creative. Us parents are the first to give our kids pet names, and they will forever be called those names. Even the generic "deer, honey, baby, sweetie, lovey".

Just an OT cutie. My daughter, when she was learning to talk, called herself HoneyBaby. One word. I knew that she got that from me, since I always call(ed) her Honey or Baby. She put those together, and, for the first 2 yrs of her life, she thought her name was HoneyBaby! So, as parents, we tend to hold onto those types of things!

[pappyld04]

Due to my upbringing my brothers and I have always loved and respected our mother. But thank God she was never like that. She worked her ass off to raise 3 pretty irritating boys. Trust when I say we were a handful. For this selflessness on her part we respect what she has accomplished and more than likely would not think of "correcting" her. But if she is out of line we do express that to her. My mother would kick my ass if I treated my gf as my maid or servant so she would never be one to baby us and let us think that this would be appropriate. She does not involve herself in our relationships unless there is something that needs to be pointed out. Then she will tell you just how it is.

[mlynnc]

Thanks to everyone who replied - great advice and statements

I think it is the sort of thing that I will just have to give time. If it doesn't stop in time, then maybe I will have a quiet word with his mother - or possibly show my disapproval when she babies him in front of me.

I spoke to Ross (my boyfriend) recently, about how I feel and that I had written about it on a forum - he was alot more understanding once he realised how much it affected me. Although nothing is going to be done about it - I have told him that I would give it time, but if it doesnt stop - then there will be trouble!

Thanks again! I really appreciate it!