First Cyber Love Gone Weird(er)

[Zildjian]

Where to begin...let's see..I joined here last week because I believe I am entering a new stage of my life as a sexual being. I am new to, and very excited about, the attitude that sex is a healthy and necessary human expression...my upbringing taught me that sex was "dirty and shameful" and not something women liked, wanted or needed. This new attitude feels very liberating, not to mention, physically fantastic. I am overjoyed. The possibilities are overwhelming me in a good way.

A little background...I have recently realized that I have been very unhappy in my 10 yr old marriage. I met someone online who has introduced me to the notion that sex can be beautiful, necessary, expressive, emotive, shameless, fun, important, healthy etc. I have engaged in cybersex with this person on several occasions achieving orgasms like I never have before (he writes, I read, I orgasm, he watches my face only over webcam). This person taught me things about my body that I didn't know were possible resulting in pleasures I had been missing. Since I had never met him, I felt a little odd at first about "performing" for him but it was fun and the orgasms were incredible. I often asked him if he felt odd and he would say, "no, it's a beautiful, intimate, and real experience shared by two consenting adults." Worked for me.

Realizing that I have found something that profoundly changes my life (ie a better understanding of sex and how my body can respond) I told and showed my husband what I learned "from reading on the web". All fine and good. My husband is thrilled to have a more intense sex life and I can talk to him about these new feelings I am having and show him how to pleasure me. It opened the lines of communication a little bit more. This is when I found tootimid and began exploring my sexuality and what I really wanted for my life.

Then, things start getting really weird with cyberguy. After telling me constant sob stories about his 14 yr old unhappy marriage and how his wife never wants to have sex, never loved him and will never change, so he gave up and then found me, all of a sudden she wants to work things out and he does too. Even tho we have shared these real intimacies and he will always be connected to me and there for me, and I'm so beautiful and he wants to fulfill my every fantasy, and when we finally get a chance to meet he'll make my experiences even better, now can we just be friends. He can't handle cybersex with me and "real" sex with wife at the same time. First he swears he's never going to leave his wife for his own happiness, then he says I have awakened feelings in him he hasn't felt in years and he can't live without those feelings so he would consider ending his marriage way sooner than he planned. Still, let's just be friends. We can still talk, just no sex.

All kinds of other things aren't making sense with him either. I always got naked and did my thing. He stayed clothed and never showed any interest in masturbating himself. I never saw him aroused. He sent me pictures of himself that 1) didn't show his face (wearing ski goggles and a hat) 2) showed his face but they looked different than he did on the web cam. When I asked him if he had ever written stories for anyone else before, and he said no, but his stories are wonderfully written, very professional. He has never expressed any discomfort in wriiting them. The words he used were flowery and erotic, very unlike porn type stories that I am most familiar with. He also simulated oral sex for me to help me reach orgasm and he was very good. I tried to do the same for him and I felt like a complete idiot, laughing all the time. In other words, he seemed waaaayyy more comfortable with cybersex than I did. It was my first time for all of these things.

I'm pretty confused and I have decided to end all contact with him whatsoever fearing that everything he told me about how much I meant to him was a complete lie just so I would masturbate for him and now he's onto his next fling. I feel pain over the loss of this friendship/affair/whatever it was and I do not regret it for one second becasue it opened doors for me. I don't know what he got out of it, but I don't really care at this point. I got a recipe for amazing self pleasure with a healthier attitude for sex. I am thrilled with this new discovery.

That being said, I am having a very hard time owning my new sexual identity. Is this new identity part of someone else's pathology? He helped me get here, possibly under false pretenses, and I fear his motivations negate what I have learned and what I now feel about sex.

What does this sound like to you? Am I just another woman in his string of cyber partners? Does it take away from my new found freedom? Is this making any sense to anyone? lol I'm all mixed up about everything so it's hard to tell the story clearly.

Thanks for listening...I appreciate any helpful advice, words of wisdom and/or comfort.

[thurisas]

I'm sorry that things worked out the way they have for you but there is one thing that you should understand, and I hope you do so quickly. He would never have been able to turn you on to your own sexual desire if you didn't want to have it in the first place.

You were dissatisfied in your relationship and you started reaching out. You found a place and a person where you could start to do that while feeling a modicum of comfort. The part where you took ownership is when you started making yourself feel good about what you were doing and showed your husband how to help you along. At that point you opened yourself up to your sexual liberation. Your cyber jerk(for that is all he is and should be considered no more than a past pleasant past time) has nothing to do with that at all other than perhaps being the fifth domino in a long line of dominoes. After all, you are the one who made the choice to become more open.

Your confusion is normal right now. You had a relationship that you thought was good(though not exactly a conventional one) and it has gone sour on you. Hindsight is 20/20 and you're picking up on things now that you didn't notice when you were having the fun. With time you'll find that it was, like most challenges in life, just a growing experience.

Thurisas.

[froggystyle1977]

The relationship between you and your husband is now so much better thanks to this loser

he played you, and got off in his own way. He did you a huge favor and now you can

explore more on your own. The fact that you were able to talk to your husband and have

the type of relationship where you can do that, is amazing. It shows a level of intimacy that

is lacking in many relationships.. While it may take some time to get over what this jerk did

to you, be thankful that you now know more and want to learn more, work on your life with

your husband and just enjoy each other!! good luck with everything!!

[Zildjian]

Thanks, you three, for such positive responses. I am feeling a fair amount of pain (and low self esteem) over this, but it feels very validating to have you encouraging me onward in my sexual exploration. I have not yet tried to masturbate since Monday when this sexual-exploration-limiting event happened. I did get some toys in today's mail and I am off to give them a try by myself and then later introduce them to the husband.

The thing that is bothering me the most right this second is that the reading material that got me off the best was written by cyber guy. He wrote wonderfully. I LOVE WHAT HE WROTE! I want to keep and use the collection of amazing stories he wrote for me, but right now I'm afraid it would be damaging. In other words, I don't want the pleasure I was (and am) able to give myself to be associated with him, but the stories are sooo hot. Whenever I read these stories, it was a guaranteed arousal and intense orgasm or 12. lol.

I'm afraid I need to 'get back up on the horse' and re-establish new associations with this pleasure. That is a scary thought. What if I can't? Intellectually, I know that isn't true. Emotionally, I'm stuck. His face comes to mind every time.

[DixieChick67]

I have been where you are and it sucks at times. They are married yet not fulfilled and reach out to us. When things tend to get really heated they tend to back off. I have been in a long distance relationship for 9 years now and it works well now, but I will say it hasn't always been easy. I got involved with a married man before this one and swore I would never do it again. It's not worth the pain. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Zildjian]

Thanks for that hug. I needed that.

[ToyQueen]

I am so sorry that this happened to you! I hope, like the others, that you will be able to take what you learned and use it. If you really like his writing that much, put it up. Look at again in a few months when you aren't feeling so used and raw. If it helps you get off, and you can use it again, go for it!

Here's a hug from me, too.

[Mikayla1]

OK, I have been following this post for a while, but thought that Iha and Thur had it pretty well covered. However, after your latest posts, I have a few questions / concerns:

(1) You say that you do not want those stories to be associated with cyber guy. If they are just stories, does it really matter? What is it that got you so hot - the stories or the 'taboo' nature of sitting by a computer talking sex with a stranger while masturbating? Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to what you did. I agree, consenting adults and all that. However, would you get the same thrill from reading a Penthouse Forum letter, let's say, even if it was the exact same - or - was it your perception that these stories were written solely for you!

(2) You say this has enhanced sex with your hubby. I think that is fantastic. I mean, here your relationship was not going well, you learned some things (albeit in an interesting manner) and now you are able to share in pleasure with your hubby. So, why is there a problem? Do you now need the stories to be aroused, or is it just something that you do on the side? If your hubby is learning to pleasure you, and you are more willing and open to tell him how, then why is there this issue? Women and men have fantasies - this is just the way it is. Cyber guy was a source of fantasy. When he called it quits (dumped you so to speak) you no longer had your internet "affair" (for lack of better wording) so did you then feel less sexy and less fullfilled?

(3) It seems as though you kept all the basics with your cyber guy pretty standard. There was no meeting, no graphic displays of naked bodies, etc. Did you fantasize that it might go farther than it did? Was it more of the 'cheating heart' syndrome? Meaning, people who 'cheat' are sometimes more aroused with their partners. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING THAT CYBER SEX IS CHEATING (AT LEAST NOT PHYSICALLY) BUT FOR SOME PEOPLE, THIS DOES FEEL MUCH LIKE PHYSICAL CHEATING. Please understand, I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am just trying to get to the bottom of what is really affecting you here.

(4) When you were talking to this man did you imagine him when you had sex with your hubby? Did you think about the stories? If you did, then surely you can still imagine your fantasy guy? Or, is it that reality usurped the fantasy?

I hope that this does not end your search of pleasure, cause that would be a real shame. It seems as though you have come far, and I would hate for this jerk to have ruined that!

[Bugs0825]

all i can say is that guys can be scum. All women need to understand that there are guys that know all the things that you want to hear. They feed a full line of crap to get what they want and, poof, they are gone. Guard your heart and your marriage. You don't need to do cross lines the make your marriage better. Learn and apply and if the husband is willing to improve also it will all work out. Take it as a lesson learned.

hope all works out and this get better, i know that they have for me.

Bugs

[Bugs0825]

OK, I have been following this post for a while, but thought that Iha and Thur had it pretty well covered. However, after your latest posts, I have a few questions / concerns:

I AM IN NO WAY SAYING THAT CYBER SEX IS CHEATING (AT LEAST NOT PHYSICALLY) BUT FOR SOME PEOPLE, THIS DOES FEEL MUCH LIKE PHYSICAL CHEATING.

I feel that you don't need to have an affair to cheat.

Bugs

[Mikayla1]

Many people have that view. In fact, I sometimes believe that emotional ties can be more serious cheating than sexual or physical cheating. Not all people feel this way - so it is really not up to me to judge what this person defines as cheating -which is why I qualified my statement. I always say, "if you would be upset or think it was cheating if you knew your partner was doing it, then you are probably 'cheating'"

[Zildjian]

OK, I have been following this post for a while, but thought that Iha and Thur had it pretty well covered. However, after your latest posts, I have a few questions / concerns:

(1) You say that you do not want those stories to be associated with cyber guy. If they are just stories, does it really matter? What is it that got you so hot - the stories or the 'taboo' nature of sitting by a computer talking sex with a stranger while masturbating? Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to what you did. I agree, consenting adults and all that. However, would you get the same thrill from reading a Penthouse Forum letter, let's say, even if it was the exact same - or - was it your perception that these stories were written solely for you!

My answers:

a.) He wasn't a stranger but someone I had known online thu another non-sex related forum for a few months

b.) Imagining he and I doing the things he described was what made me hot. No, I do not get the same thrill from reading penthouse forum letters. These stories feature he and I. Penthouse forum stories don't hold a candle to the stories he wrote for us. The way he talked about sex was detailed and gentle and romantic and mostly about pleasuring me. In my experience, penthouse forum letters are not like this. I had never read any erotic literature that was written this way. It was so REAL. No dogs or big black men or masks or stages or huge dildos or 3 somes or "I couldn't believe my hot neighbor invited me into the shower with her". lol

(2) You say this has enhanced sex with your hubby. I think that is fantastic. I mean, here your relationship was not going well, you learned some things (albeit in an interesting manner) and now you are able to share in pleasure with your hubby. So, why is there a problem? Do you now need the stories to be aroused, or is it just something that you do on the side? If your hubby is learning to pleasure you, and you are more willing and open to tell him how, then why is there this issue? Women and men have fantasies - this is just the way it is. Cyber guy was a source of fantasy. When he called it quits (dumped you so to speak) you no longer had your internet "affair" (for lack of better wording) so did you then feel less sexy and less fullfilled?

My answers:

a.) Hmmm. not sure how to answer this one. I think the short answer is yes. The orgasms I have with hubby while we are teaching and learning aren't that great...yet. And my efforts today by myself were not so great either. I think I really enjoyed that idea that someone I didn't know that well (not a complete stranger, more of an acquaintence) found me sexy and wanted to have cyber sex with me (or watch me do it). I loved the attention, the praise, the encouragement, the fantasy that he was making love to me. He is much more knowledgeable about how to get me to reach orgasm than I am! He has mad skills and desires that my hubby doesn't have. My marriage is stale in lots of ways. Sex being only one of them. I have to teach my husband everything...even what to say to make me feel like he desires me. There are more problems here than I have room to explain, but he doesn't give me enough of those things I just listed that cyberguy did: attention, praise, encouragement, etc.

(3) It seems as though you kept all the basics with your cyber guy pretty standard. There was no meeting, no graphic displays of naked bodies, etc. Did you fantasize that it might go farther than it did? Was it more of the 'cheating heart' syndrome? Meaning, people who 'cheat' are sometimes more aroused with their partners. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING THAT CYBER SEX IS CHEATING (AT LEAST NOT PHYSICALLY) BUT FOR SOME PEOPLE, THIS DOES FEEL MUCH LIKE PHYSICAL CHEATING. Please understand, I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am just trying to get to the bottom of what is really affecting you here.

My answers:

a.) I'm not sure what you mean by the cheating heart syndrome.

b.) ANd for the record, hell yes, I believe I cheated. I went into it knowing full well it was cheating. No worries about making me feel bad. I appreciate the time you are taking to analyze this with me.

c.) honestly, I did fantasized about this affair going further. We talked several time about a possible meeting. We also talked about keeping it an affair because neither of us are ready to disrupt our current lifestyles yet. It seemed to me we both wanted to meet, but maybe it was just me, or he changed his mind and I didn't.

(4) When you were talking to this man did you imagine him when you had sex with your hubby? Did you think about the stories? If you did, then surely you can still imagine your fantasy guy? Or, is it that reality usurped the fantasy?

My answer:

a.) Yes, I imagined him when having sex with hubby. ANd yes I did think about the stories. I think the reality of him ending the affair prevents me from using the stories as fantasy.

I hope that this does not end your search of pleasure, cause that would be a real shame. It seems as though you have come far, and I would hate for this jerk to have ruined that!

I agree. I don't want to end my search for pleasure either, but it feels sorely lacking without cyber guy. Cyber guy WANTED me sexually, he lusted after my body (or seemed to). My husband doesn't have that same desire and frankly,I don't think he ever has, but I was fine with that until now.

I'm not sure why you are asking these particular questions and what my answers may tell you (it's late here and I'm exhausted) but I would love to know. Please feel free to call it as you see it. The truth is all I ever want.

[Zildjian]

OK, so now you have experienced a hotter level than you've had with hubby. Are you going to try to build to that with him? or try to find it elsewhere again?

Good question, TN, and thank your for your follow up. I'm going to have to figure out what comes next. It may be too late with hubby considering all the other problems that exist in our relationship. Hotter, better sex will be great but won't solve those problems.

The magic 8 ball in me says "Time to move on." Hubby and I have talked about separating and finding partners more suitable to each of us. The less-than-hot sex we have, now that I know what I'm missing, may just be another straw on the camel's back.

How about hotter better sex with hubby until the divorce is final. lol (Gotta try and keep my sense of humor thru all of this..)

Seriously, thanks everyone (iha, glad I got your input before you got to busy) for helping me think thru this.

[Mikayla1]

The answers to your questions help me to discern whether you just needed inspiration, or another person. I think my conclusion is that you and your hubby are not sexually connected, and you have other 'issues' that you eluded to. I am a big believer in trying to work things out in a marriage - but I am also a realist. I realize that some issues and problems go way beyond sex and the bedroom. I think this is where you are at.

Cheating doesn't necessarily mean that a marriage is over, but I always see it as a cry for help. SOmetimes the cry is to be OUT of the marriage, and sometimes it is a 'pay more attention to me' kind of thing. I think your admittance that you liked the attention, the feeling of being desired and wanted, makes perfect sense. If you have found yourself in a relationship where the one who is supposed to love you is not interested (seemily so) and doesn't make you feel as your fullest self, then it is obvious that there are issues that need to be addressed.

Perhaps it is time to move on, but no one knows that but you. We here do not know how long you have tried, how unhappy you are, etc. So, let your inner self guide you!

[Zildjian]

Wow. great discussion. Thank you all. I feel better as the days go by, today was a pretty painless day. Saw the shrink and that helped a lot. I've got some thinking to do, but I have a general feel as to where I'm going. Again, thank you so much for the time and hugs you put into this for me. They are much appreciated and I'm so glad I found this board.

[Tyger]

I'm sorry that your hubby hasn't fulfilled you sexually. And, it's sad that you were able to find it away from your husband.

One good thing that came to be, is that you've awakened yourself sexually, and, once found, it shouldn't have to be surpressed at all. What also sad is that your husband either can't or won't help you maintain this. Although, to be fair to him, if what he's been doing all this time has appeared to work for you, he probably is a little shocked that there could be MORE that would turn you on. One big step I saw you write is that he was probably always this way.

Another thing that the cyber lover probably did was give you you the "thrill of being caught". Doing those sorts of things, can make you feel sexy, naughty, and totally unlike yourself. Not feeling "like yourself" can be very liberating, and gives you the feeling that you can do some things that you wouldn't even consider in your normal relationship.

One bad thing about cybering, is that, many people confuse it with "feelings". For the most part, cyber-sex is just that, sex online. Some men know how to play women, and they know that most women associate sex with love, and they play on that to get the woman to do more for them and their pleasure. It's hard to tell if this man actually had feelings for you or not. Not to be hurtful, but he probably didn't. You were just a show to him. Why do I say something that probably hurts you? So that, if you choose to cyber again, you can go into it a bit more open-eyed. The best thing to do when it comes to cybering, if it's not with your IRL lover, is to think of it as interactive porn, something not to get emotionally attached to those you choose to cyber with.

Never give out personal information online such as your name and address. Cuz, no matter where they may say they're from, they could be right down the street. And, also remember, that, when cybering, you also are probably being recorded by the viewer.

I'm sorry you had to go thru this, but think of it as a lesson learned.

Best wishes!

[Zildjian]

Why do I say something that probably hurts you? So that, if you choose to cyber again, you can go into it a bit more open-eyed. The best thing to do when it comes to cybering, if it's not with your IRL lover, is to think of it as interactive porn, something not to get emotionally attached to those you choose to cyber with.

Never give out personal information online such as your name and address. Cuz, no matter where they may say they're from, they could be right down the street. And, also remember, that, when cybering, you also are probably being recorded by the viewer.

No worries about saying something that might hurt me. I'm ok with it. I doubt I'll cyber again. As I mentioned, he wasn't a stranger. I would be pretty upset if he recorded our sessions. That thought makes me ill. How is it technically possible for him to record what my web cam is capturing?

[synirr]

There are programs that can record whatever is happening on the viewer's screen.

[pappyld04]

Z, please don't take this wrong but you seem to have gotten more involved than your cyberpartner had intended. Sitting on the other end of a monitor and saying anything or everything that makes your partner respond seems to be all that some are seeking. Feigning more interest than your partner has is just a way of getting what they wanted. Sorry this happened to you but trust me when I say it could have been much worse. Cybering is a way to safely play out your fantasies and realize thhat you want more out of life. How you handle this will show more abotu you as a person!