My Husband Has A Low Sex Drive And I Want It All The Time!

[JennyGirl]

This is my first time posting, so I hope I am in the right place for this topic.

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. We have a great marriage and we have great sex, but it is not anywhere near often enough for me.

Also, I have a problem with him NEVER initiating sex.

My sex drive is way higher than his and it always has been. He is 35 and I am 30.

It's gotten to the point where I am so frustrated that I am starting to take it personally. I know he loves me and I know he is attracted to me, but I just dont know what to do anymore to get him to lust after me the way I want him to. I just want him to initiate atleast 25% of the time so I dont feel like he isnt attracted to me or doesnt want me.

Weve talked about it several times throughout our relationship and it ultimately nothing ever changes for more than a couple weeks.

Does anyone have any helpful advice, or tips or trick on things I can do/ try to get him to want me so bad he cant NOT be all over me?

I just want him to come on to me all the time.... like I want to do to him all the timel

I've tried the following things already:

Wearing lingerie:

He's not into it, he'd rather me be naked. (on a side note I am definitely not confident enough to just walk around naked, plus we have a roomate)

Buying toys:

I have bought tons of toys to try and spice things up but he only uses them them I ask him to... i dont think he is into it

Dirty texting

Ive sent explicit pix messages and dirty little notes, etc. and they seem to work but again, only if I keep it going and initiate....its never him first and that is what I am needing at this point.

So what can I do to get HIM to want to initiate?

The only thing I havent tried is acting like I am not interested in sex at all! Ive tried..but i cant lol

As of now, its already been 3 weeks since we last had sex. I dont know what to do anymore.

[thurisas]

How often are you trying to initiate? I've been in your position before. I would push and push my SO to have sex all the time and it negatively affected our sex lives. Who wants to do something they're being pressured to do all the time? My suggestion to you is to back off a bit. Don't put any pressure on him and see if he doesn't start coming around.

Also, communication is a major key in having a healthy relationship. Have you told him anything that you've listed here? Presumably you've been together long enough that you should be comfortable talking and have at least some idea what his reaction is going to be. It may not be easy for you to do, but it is the quickest and easiest way for you to get your concerns across. Guys in general don't read minds, don't get hints, and have to be told what it is you're looking for. The catch 22 here is that it can't be accusatory. Trying comments along the lines of "I feel frustrated when we aren't sexually intimate for long periods of time" and see if you can't get him to talk to you.

Lastly, Mikayla has written a wonderful article on missmatched sex drives and you can find it under the sex education tab listed below the TooTimid banner at the top of this page. That alone will give you good information.

Thurisas.

[Desires08]

THIS IS A TOUGHIE. FIRST OF ALL, DON'T FEEL ALONE BECAUSE THIS IS A COMMON ISSUE IN MARRIAGES / RELATIONSHIPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THIS AROUND THIER TENTH YEAR AS WELL. YOU SAID YOU HAVE A ROOMATE. THAT COULD BE PROBLEM NUMBER ONE.

AND DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, IT COULD BE HIS ISSUE.

YOU SAID:

Buying toys:

I have bought tons of toys to try and spice things up but he only uses them them I ask him to... i dont think he is into it

OKAY. SORRY BUT I AM TOTALLY LOST ON THIS ONE. YOU HAVE TOYS. YOU STATED THAT HE ONLY USES THEM? AND THEN THAT YOU DON'T THINK THAT HE IS INTO IT?

IF YOUR SEX DRIVE IS STRONGER THAN HIS, THEN WHY NOT MASTURBATE? USE THE TOYS YOURESLF. IT CAN BE VERY ENJOYABLE AND IT WILL TAKE THE STRESS OFF YOUR HUBBY TO INTIATE SEX. THE ONE THING YOU DO NEED TO STOP DOING IS PRESSURING HIM TO START IT BECAUSE THIS CAN ACTUALLY PUSH HIM FARTHER AWAY. DO YOU LIKE TO BE PRESSURED IN TO THINGS? PROBABLY NOT IS MY GUESS. YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT WITH HIM OR SEEK COUNSELING AS A COUPLE IF THIS CONTINUES IMO. NO ONE CAN BE PUSHED INTO DOING ANYTHING THEY DO NOT WANT TO DO. AS YOUR HUSBAND, YOU EXPECT THESE THINGS FROM HIM AND I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND...LET ME ASK YOU THIS. IS HE GOOD TO YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY IN EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE? NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT THOUGH SOME GET PRETTY CLOSE. THIS COULD BE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS MORE ATTENTION BUT IN A WAY OTHER THAN PLACING BLAME OR SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. DOES HE WATCH PORN ALONE OR DO YOU WATCH IT TOGETHER? THAT COULD ALSO BE A FACTOR IN THIS OR PERHAPS A RESOLUTION.

APPETITE COMES IN EATING. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU HAVE SEX. DO THINGS THAT YOU KNOW HE LIKES. THEN COMES THE HARD PART, WAITING. ALSO, HE NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE TO BE OPEN WITH YOU ABOUT THIS. EXAMPLE, IF HE THINKS THAT YOU WILL FEEL HURT, OR BECOME ANGRY THEN HE MAY NOT TELL YOU WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON WITH HIM. ALSO, IS HE ON ANY MEDICATIONS? CERTIAN MEDS CAN AFFECT SEXUAL DRIVE TREMENDOUSLY AS CAN STRONG EMOTIONS SUCH AS FEAR, ANXIETY, SADNESS, ANGER, ETC....TRY BRAGGING ON HIM. GIVE HIM COMPLIMENTS ON THINGS TO BUILD HIS EGO. I KNOW IT SUCKS TO ALWAYS BE THE FIRST. BUT RELAX. IF HE FEELS MORE RESPECTED AND LOVED AND CHERRISHED BY YOU, HE WILL TAKE ON THE ROLE OF BEING IN CHARGE A LITTLE MORE BRAVELY. THE FACT THAT HE KEEPS IT GOING AFTER YOU INTIATE IT FOR ME SAYS THAT HE DOES WANT YOU AND IS INTERESTED. SO AGAIN, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I AM SURE THE MODERATORS HERE WILL HAVE A BIT MORE DETAILED AND POSSIBLY BETTER INFORMATION THAN WHAT I HAVE SUPPLIED HERE AND OF COURSE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FORUM WILL ALSO HAVE SOME GREAT ADVICE AND TIPS I ASSURE YOU. SO TO SUM UP ALL I HAVE SAID:

1. COMPLIMENT HIM. BRAG ON HIM.

2. INTRODUCE PORNS. IF HE WATCHES ALONE, JOIN HIM. IF YOU WATCH ALONE, ASK HIM TO JOIN. MAKE IT A COUPLE THING.

3.CHECK OUT THE MED THING IF IT APPLIES TO YOU. \

4. CONSIDER MASTURBATING TO ALIEVE THE PRESSURE OFF YOUR SPOUSE. MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT YOUR SEX LIBIDO IS HIGHER THAN HIS DRIVE IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE FIRST TO INTIATE.

5. DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR HIM TO ENJOY JUST FOR HIM. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIM.

6. HAVE YOU TRIED BONDAGE? (TYING EACHOTHER UP?) PERHAPS THIS WILL GET HIM TO INTIATE IT AT LEAST ONCE.

7. ASK HIM IF "HE'S OPEN TO TRY NEW THINGS". THIS GETS THE IMAGINATION RACING FOR ANYONE MALE OR FEMALE.

8.BE SUPPORTIVE. DON'T PRESSURE HIM TO BE FIRST. LET HIM GO AT HIS OWN PACE. PERHAPS HE'S GOING THROUGH SOMETHING AT WORK OR SOMETHING AND DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT. THUS STRONG EMOTIONS.

9. TRY TO RE-CONNECT TO WHEN YOU FIRST MET. CONSIDER ROLE PLAYING. LISTEN TO OLD SONGS AND SHARE OLD MEMORIES. GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN HE DID START IT WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS AND SAY HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER ????? IT'S ONE OF MY FAV MEMORIES CAUSE THE WAY YOU TOUCHED ME DROVE ME CRAZY! (OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT).

GOOD LUCK! HOPE THESE TIPS HELP A LITTLE AT LEAST. JUST REMEMBER NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY, THOUGH IT'S VERY HARD NOT TO AT TIMES.

[JennyGirl]

THIS IS A TOUGHIE. FIRST OF ALL, DON'T FEEL ALONE BECAUSE THIS IS A COMMON ISSUE IN MARRIAGES / RELATIONSHIPS. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THIS AROUND THIER TENTH YEAR AS WELL. YOU SAID YOU HAVE A ROOMATE. THAT COULD BE PROBLEM NUMBER ONE.

AND DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, IT COULD BE HIS ISSUE.

YOU SAID:

Buying toys:

I have bought tons of toys to try and spice things up but he only uses them them I ask him to... i dont think he is into it

OKAY. SORRY BUT I AM TOTALLY LOST ON THIS ONE. YOU HAVE TOYS. YOU STATED THAT HE ONLY USES THEM? AND THEN THAT YOU DON'T THINK THAT HE IS INTO IT?

IF YOUR SEX DRIVE IS STRONGER THAN HIS, THEN WHY NOT MASTURBATE? USE THE TOYS YOURESLF. IT CAN BE VERY ENJOYABLE AND IT WILL TAKE THE STRESS OFF YOUR HUBBY TO INTIATE SEX. THE ONE THING YOU DO NEED TO STOP DOING IS PRESSURING HIM TO START IT BECAUSE THIS CAN ACTUALLY PUSH HIM FARTHER AWAY. DO YOU LIKE TO BE PRESSURED IN TO THINGS? PROBABLY NOT IS MY GUESS. YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT WITH HIM OR SEEK COUNSELING AS A COUPLE IF THIS CONTINUES IMO. NO ONE CAN BE PUSHED INTO DOING ANYTHING THEY DO NOT WANT TO DO. AS YOUR HUSBAND, YOU EXPECT THESE THINGS FROM HIM AND I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND...LET ME ASK YOU THIS. IS HE GOOD TO YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY IN EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE? NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT THOUGH SOME GET PRETTY CLOSE. THIS COULD BE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS MORE ATTENTION BUT IN A WAY OTHER THAN PLACING BLAME OR SAYING NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. DOES HE WATCH PORN ALONE OR DO YOU WATCH IT TOGETHER? THAT COULD ALSO BE A FACTOR IN THIS OR PERHAPS A RESOLUTION.

APPETITE COMES IN EATING. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU HAVE SEX. DO THINGS THAT YOU KNOW HE LIKES. THEN COMES THE HARD PART, WAITING. ALSO, HE NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE TO BE OPEN WITH YOU ABOUT THIS. EXAMPLE, IF HE THINKS THAT YOU WILL FEEL HURT, OR BECOME ANGRY THEN HE MAY NOT TELL YOU WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON WITH HIM. ALSO, IS HE ON ANY MEDICATIONS? CERTIAN MEDS CAN AFFECT SEXUAL DRIVE TREMENDOUSLY AS CAN STRONG EMOTIONS SUCH AS FEAR, ANXIETY, SADNESS, ANGER, ETC....TRY BRAGGING ON HIM. GIVE HIM COMPLIMENTS ON THINGS TO BUILD HIS EGO. I KNOW IT SUCKS TO ALWAYS BE THE FIRST. BUT RELAX. IF HE FEELS MORE RESPECTED AND LOVED AND CHERRISHED BY YOU, HE WILL TAKE ON THE ROLE OF BEING IN CHARGE A LITTLE MORE BRAVELY. THE FACT THAT HE KEEPS IT GOING AFTER YOU INTIATE IT FOR ME SAYS THAT HE DOES WANT YOU AND IS INTERESTED. SO AGAIN, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I AM SURE THE MODERATORS HERE WILL HAVE A BIT MORE DETAILED AND POSSIBLY BETTER INFORMATION THAN WHAT I HAVE SUPPLIED HERE AND OF COURSE THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FORUM WILL ALSO HAVE SOME GREAT ADVICE AND TIPS I ASSURE YOU. SO TO SUM UP ALL I HAVE SAID:

1. COMPLIMENT HIM. BRAG ON HIM.

2. INTRODUCE PORNS. IF HE WATCHES ALONE, JOIN HIM. IF YOU WATCH ALONE, ASK HIM TO JOIN. MAKE IT A COUPLE THING.

3.CHECK OUT THE MED THING IF IT APPLIES TO YOU. \

4. CONSIDER MASTURBATING TO ALIEVE THE PRESSURE OFF YOUR SPOUSE. MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT YOUR SEX LIBIDO IS HIGHER THAN HIS DRIVE IF YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE FIRST TO INTIATE.

5. DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR HIM TO ENJOY JUST FOR HIM. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT HIM.

6. HAVE YOU TRIED BONDAGE? (TYING EACHOTHER UP?) PERHAPS THIS WILL GET HIM TO INTIATE IT AT LEAST ONCE.

7. ASK HIM IF "HE'S OPEN TO TRY NEW THINGS". THIS GETS THE IMAGINATION RACING FOR ANYONE MALE OR FEMALE.

8.BE SUPPORTIVE. DON'T PRESSURE HIM TO BE FIRST. LET HIM GO AT HIS OWN PACE. PERHAPS HE'S GOING THROUGH SOMETHING AT WORK OR SOMETHING AND DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT IT. THUS STRONG EMOTIONS.

9. TRY TO RE-CONNECT TO WHEN YOU FIRST MET. CONSIDER ROLE PLAYING. LISTEN TO OLD SONGS AND SHARE OLD MEMORIES. GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN HE DID START IT WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS AND SAY HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER ????? IT'S ONE OF MY FAV MEMORIES CAUSE THE WAY YOU TOUCHED ME DROVE ME CRAZY! (OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT).

GOOD LUCK! HOPE THESE TIPS HELP A LITTLE AT LEAST. JUST REMEMBER NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY, THOUGH IT'S VERY HARD NOT TO AT TIMES.

Thanks everyone. I am quoting this one because there are some things I wanted to clarify.

1) I dont pressure him to have sex. I dont push it and/ or show that I am upset when he doesnt want to. I initiate (normally) maybe a couple times a week, although I would preferrably have it everyday.

2) IF YOUR SEX DRIVE IS STRONGER THAN HIS, THEN WHY NOT MASTURBATE? I do. I dont mean this in a rude way, but that is not the pointi am trying to make here. The point is I want to have sex WITH MY HUSBAND. TOys are graet, but I want my man, not just toys all the time. Also, to clarify, i think i made a typo... what i said was he only used them on ME when i ask him to or mention it...so i dont think he is into it.

3) IS HE GOOD TO YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY IN EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE? Yes, and Yes. Everythign else is great! It just the sex dept. that is suffering. That is one reason why i just dont understand it.

4. IS HE ON ANY MEDICATIONS? none

Also, I have already tried most everything that was suggested. We havent tried role playing becuse neither one of us are really into role playing.

Our relationship is great and we are pretty affectionate otherwise. It is only the sex that just doesnt seem right to me.

oh, and lastly, our roomate works nights so he is not here ALOT of the time so its not a matter of feeling uncomfortable while he is here or anything.

[JennyGirl]

How often are you trying to initiate? I've been in your position before. I would push and push my SO to have sex all the time and it negatively affected our sex lives. Who wants to do something they're being pressured to do all the time? My suggestion to you is to back off a bit. Don't put any pressure on him and see if he doesn't start coming around.

Also, communication is a major key in having a healthy relationship. Have you told him anything that you've listed here? Presumably you've been together long enough that you should be comfortable talking and have at least some idea what his reaction is going to be. It may not be easy for you to do, but it is the quickest and easiest way for you to get your concerns across. Guys in general don't read minds, don't get hints, and have to be told what it is you're looking for. The catch 22 here is that it can't be accusatory. Trying comments along the lines of "I feel frustrated when we aren't sexually intimate for long periods of time" and see if you can't get him to talk to you.

Lastly, Mikayla has written a wonderful article on missmatched sex drives and you can find it under the sex education tab listed below the TooTimid banner at the top of this page. That alone will give you good information.

Thurisas.

forgot to add this to my last post....but yes i have talked to him several times over the last several years about this. I havent talked to him about it lately because it never does any good and i hate feeling like a nag since it keeps coming up. I dont want him to feel bad about it...i just want him to want me.

[Desires08]

Thanks everyone. I am quoting this one because there are some things I wanted to clarify.

1) I dont pressure him to have sex. I dont push it and/ or show that I am upset when he doesnt want to. I initiate (normally) maybe a couple times a week, although I would preferrably have it everyday.

2) IF YOUR SEX DRIVE IS STRONGER THAN HIS, THEN WHY NOT MASTURBATE? I do. I dont mean this in a rude way, but that is not the pointi am trying to make here. The point is I want to have sex WITH MY HUSBAND. TOys are graet, but I want my man, not just toys all the time. Also, to clarify, i think i made a typo... what i said was he only used them on ME when i ask him to or mention it...so i dont think he is into it.

3) IS HE GOOD TO YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY IN EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE? Yes, and Yes. Everythign else is great! It just the sex dept. that is suffering. That is one reason why i just dont understand it.

4. IS HE ON ANY MEDICATIONS? none

Also, I have already tried most everything that was suggested. We havent tried role playing becuse neither one of us are really into role playing.

Our relationship is great and we are pretty affectionate otherwise. It is only the sex that just doesnt seem right to me.

oh, and lastly, our roomate works nights so he is not here ALOT of the time so its not a matter of feeling uncomfortable while he is here or anything.

jenny, thanks for clarifying your point there. sorry if I came across in an upsetting way. ( I realize I shoudn't have posted in caps, sorry about that). Well, those were all the things that I knew to try. Sorry if they were no help to you. But just for the record, I do hope that this thing resolves and you get all you hoped for! Good Luck!

[ToyQueen]

Is there a chance that he fears you may get pregnant, and therefore is using abstinence as birth control? Just a thought.

[Mikayla1]

Iha is right - in at least two ways. First, this is indeed fairly normal. After 5 years of marriage (or being together) the average couple has sex 1-2 times a week. Are you having sex more often than that or less? Many couples have their sex lives wax and wean - it just seems to be the way it goes sometimes. Lots of things can affect a sex life. For men, stress is the number one reason (besides medical reasons) that sex becomes an issue. IF he has ever shown any signs of ED before - he may have performance anxiety issues. Once a man has his erection die a few times, he definitely wonders if the next time will be more of the same.

My husband was one of those 'non-initiators' - now he initiates A LOT. He thought it was 'pushy' or 'rude' to bring up sex all the time - it was the way he was raised, to be respectful. It is possible that he might have that ingrained into his brain and it just might take a little time. I will offer this, what does it matter WHO initiates it? If he likes it and goes with it after you initiate it, then why does it matter? He may be a more submissive man - and there is really nothing wrong with that.

There really isn't any miraculous way to make a man want you. You are you, and ultimately what you have to offer is yourself and your body. If he wants you, he will want you. It is really sort of plain that way. However, if you are loving and caring and sexual with him and he doesn't respond then there probably is something going on.

I second Iha's recommendation for Schnarch's book - there are also other ones that are very good. Go to Amazon and just type in things like "sexless marriage"; rekindling desire, and the like. You will be amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to help.

Also, many people will advise you to talk, talk, talk. The problem with that is, if he is a mild mannered, shy or closed up guy, this is NOT going to make it better. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just do what feels good to you, and see if he follows along. Don't overtalk him or he may clam up. Try to use your gut feeling here. Figure out what you ultimately want out of this and what you are willing to give up for it or how much longer you will work on things - then try to find a course of action that will make you feel good about your life - and your marriage.

Good Luck!

[chloegirl]

The experts here have given you great advice as always and there may be bits of some or all of these elements causing the problem here, but I think we also have to face the fact that some people just do not have a high sex drive and that's just how they are. You can work on and fix the medical, emotional, and relational problems and get them as squared away as possible and still just have to get used to the compromise that one of you may always feel a little cheated because ultimately it's the one with the lower sex drive that seems to exert the control. Just don't let the no sex at all go on because that can become a habit that will slowly kill your marriage and your self-esteem. You may just have to go after him as much as you can and get the rest of your fulfillment on your own. I'm right there with you on this one honey, I've been living this way for years now and I can tell you sometimes the frustration of it can make you want to scream, contemplate leaving, affairs, etc... but ultimately you have to decide if you both still really love each other and he is a good husband to you in every other way is it really worth giving up your life together? I'm wishing you the best of luck on this from someone who really knows what it's like!

[JennyGirl]

Is there a chance that he fears you may get pregnant, and therefore is using abstinence as birth control? Just a thought.

I'm glad you asked this. Actually, we have been trying to get pregnant...so I know that cant be the case. At this point, we are basically just "not preventing" and hoping it will happen sometime soon. And, it was his idea so it wasnt anything i pushed on him

[JennyGirl]

jenny, thanks for clarifying your point there. sorry if I came across in an upsetting way. ( I realize I shoudn't have posted in caps, sorry about that). Well, those were all the things that I knew to try. Sorry if they were no help to you. But just for the record, I do hope that this thing resolves and you get all you hoped for! Good Luck!

you didnt upset me at all. I am sorry if I led you to think you did. I was just clarifying in my reply post.

[JennyGirl]

The experts here have given you great advice as always and there may be bits of some or all of these elements causing the problem here, but I think we also have to face the fact that some people just do not have a high sex drive and that's just how they are. You can work on and fix the medical, emotional, and relational problems and get them as squared away as possible and still just have to get used to the compromise that one of you may always feel a little cheated because ultimately it's the one with the lower sex drive that seems to exert the control. Just don't let the no sex at all go on because that can become a habit that will slowly kill your marriage and your self-esteem. You may just have to go after him as much as you can and get the rest of your fulfillment on your own. I'm right there with you on this one honey, I've been living this way for years now and I can tell you sometimes the frustration of it can make you want to scream, contemplate leaving, affairs, etc... but ultimately you have to decide if you both still really love each other and he is a good husband to you in every other way is it really worth giving up your life together? I'm wishing you the best of luck on this from someone who really knows what it's like!

Thank you. It is nice to know I am not the only one going through this.

[JennyGirl]

Iha is right - in at least two ways. First, this is indeed fairly normal. After 5 years of marriage (or being together) the average couple has sex 1-2 times a week. Are you having sex more often than that or less? Many couples have their sex lives wax and wean - it just seems to be the way it goes sometimes. Lots of things can affect a sex life. For men, stress is the number one reason (besides medical reasons) that sex becomes an issue. IF he has ever shown any signs of ED before - he may have performance anxiety issues. Once a man has his erection die a few times, he definitely wonders if the next time will be more of the same.

My husband was one of those 'non-initiators' - now he initiates A LOT. He thought it was 'pushy' or 'rude' to bring up sex all the time - it was the way he was raised, to be respectful. It is possible that he might have that ingrained into his brain and it just might take a little time. I will offer this, what does it matter WHO initiates it? If he likes it and goes with it after you initiate it, then why does it matter? He may be a more submissive man - and there is really nothing wrong with that.

There really isn't any miraculous way to make a man want you. You are you, and ultimately what you have to offer is yourself and your body. If he wants you, he will want you. It is really sort of plain that way. However, if you are loving and caring and sexual with him and he doesn't respond then there probably is something going on.

I second Iha's recommendation for Schnarch's book - there are also other ones that are very good. Go to Amazon and just type in things like "sexless marriage"; rekindling desire, and the like. You will be amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to help.

Also, many people will advise you to talk, talk, talk. The problem with that is, if he is a mild mannered, shy or closed up guy, this is NOT going to make it better. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just do what feels good to you, and see if he follows along. Don't overtalk him or he may clam up. Try to use your gut feeling here. Figure out what you ultimately want out of this and what you are willing to give up for it or how much longer you will work on things - then try to find a course of action that will make you feel good about your life - and your marriage.

Good Luck!

Thanks Mikayla, and everyone else.

To answer your questions:

Are you having sex more often than that or less? Normally, its about once a week (which is not enough for me, but i just deal with it) Right now, its been almost a MONTH! Ive stopped initiating although I will do little things like send him dirty text messages, wear semi-see through tops with no bra at home, get extra close, etc. hoping it will start something, but it doesnt. Ive done everything but actually throw myself at him.

IF he has ever shown any signs of ED before - he may have performance anxiety issues He has NEVER had any problems with ED before.

He thought it was 'pushy' or 'rude' to bring up sex all the time

He has mentioned feeling this way before, and I have told him several times that it is what I WANT is for him to be more affressive, but it never happens. How did you get your man to be more of an initiator??

what does it matter WHO initiates it? TO me, it DOES matter. It probably shouldnt, but it does. It makes me feel like he is only going along with it because he feels like he has to or something. It's been very hurtful to my self confidence to the point where I feel horribly unattractive to him a lot of the time.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I appreciate your help.

I have a feeling that its just going to be one of those things I may never be able to fix. I cant think of any real REASONS his drive is so low. I guess it just IS.

[Jaca]

You need to find his THING.

We went through a similar situation - though with kids etc thrown into the mix.

Earlier this year things came to a head with him using the internet to access porn while our relationship suffered. Working through all that, I learned that he was seeking a particular visual turn-on - women in high heels.

He had mentioned it on other occasions but never highlighted just HOW important it was for him.

So I bought some killer heels and made sure they were on my feet when he arrived home from work. Hey, presto!

There's lust in his eyes the instant he walks in the door and foreplay starts.

It turns out that he felt embarrassed to explicitly ask for exactly what it was that turned him on. So much time had passed in our relationship that he thought I might think it was weird or too kinky. Of course, any reservations I may have had disappeared when I saw the effect it had on him!

Seeing him so aroused by me has had an impact on me too - I think he is more desirable than ever.

[thurisas]

I can't help but wonder now how confident you are... Much of what you said here is that you want him to find you sexy. Do you find yourself to be sexy? If not, what are you doing to fix that? As tacky as it sounds one does have to like themselves before others can truly like them. Perhaps you need to start doing things for yourself to make yourself feel better.

I still say communication is a major key. I suppose that has to be followed up as well with a willingness to compromise. Without it you don't really have a mutually happy relationship and sexual intimacy is a major part of most marriages. The thing is, and it has been seen in many posts since I've been on these forums, that many people look at the status quo and think "this is great" while at the same time their partner is thinking "I want so much more." You apparently want so much more while your husband thinks the status quo is great, what have you and he done to compromise? I've been in this same place before and regardless of how great your marriage is otherwise, this touches on all other aspects of your life.

Thurisas.