Wife Giving Mixed Signalss

[bman]

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[bman]

What does she refuse to discuss. That she does it herself? It seems to me she's not just open to it she likes it. I don't know why it's sometimes OK then suddenly not. Tell her you want to do what she likes and she's sending mixed messages in a very nice way. Pay attention to her signals when your touching her, you need to be in tune with her to help her O. And O's put woman in a good mood:)

Not sure that helps,

Nymph;)

Thanks.

she is very "repressed" sexually. No oral sex at all. Very limited discussion. She says she does not have much of a sex drive,.

I bought her a vibrator which she secretly uses, but does not acknowledge. She seems to come to an orgasm easily, and seems to enjoy sex. She just seems to be really reluctant to discuss it. She really seems to respond to anal touching.

Thanks again for your help.

[junior88]

I know where you are coming from with the mixed signals. My SO and I have experimented with anal a fair number of times and she has even initiated the anal play. Sometimes she is good to go and other times she says she doesn't ever want to again. It can be quite frustrating when she does this. I think it has more to do with how horny she is than anything else. If she wants sex she is more likely to be more adventurous, if not it is just mercy sex. From converstions with my SO about this I think that women like my SO just do not think about sex very often vs almost all men who think about sex constantly.

I think stress plays a huge role in this also so if you can reduce her stress that may help.

[bman]

I know where you are coming from with the mixed signals. My SO and I have experimented with anal a fair number of times and she has even initiated the anal play. Sometimes she is good to go and other times she says she doesn't ever want to again. It can be quite frustrating when she does this. I think it has more to do with how horny she is than anything else. If she wants sex she is more likely to be more adventurous, if not it is just mercy sex. From converstions with my SO about this I think that women like my SO just do not think about sex very often vs almost all men who think about sex constantly.

I think stress plays a huge role in this also so if you can reduce her stress that may help.

Thanks Jr. Go Dale!

[Tyger]

It's been my experience that there could be a couple of main things going on here:

She may like it, and do it with herself, but it's the LACK OF CONTROL she would have if you were to be the one that was stimulating her.

Or, she may be thinking that, for some reason, having someone other than herself put something up inside her anus is just WRONG.

Since she DOES do it, and y'all do this every so often, I would really try, gently, to ask her is it one of these things that prevents you from penetrating her anus.

[pappyld04]

A lot of the problem may be in the way the subject is approached. I'm sure you know that the old bull in a china shop attitude will never work on timid partners. Perhaps a more tactful approach is in order here.

[Desires08]

Everyone has made some great points here. My thought is this:

1. Maybe you start out easy, and then you get excited and it gets too rough or too hard, or too deep.

2. It could be something emotional or ethical as Tyger stated. Like, if she's ever heard you or anyone else make comments in reference to anal sex, then it could turn her off. PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS WHAT IS GOING ON OR THIS IS THE PROBLEM....ONLY A POSSIBILE.

I don't know if these things apply to you or not but what I would suggest is this:

First and foremost, respect her wishes, which you are doing.

Second, get a lubricant of some type that will numb the area.

Third, go slow the next time that you do and try not to go too fast, too far, or too hard. Lubes help lots of people who have discomfort with anal sex.

As for talking to her about this, she has to completely trust and confide in you before she will ever truly open up to you. If she doesn't wanna talk, don't try and push her too. Be patient. Remember the old saying, The best thing comes to those who wait. Try the lubes. At first, you could play around the opening of her anus instead of actually penetrating. Then go a little at a time until she is comfortable with "full throttle".

Hope this helps!

[froggystyle1977]

You say she is very repressed sexually, this makes me wonder if she doesn't think

that anal is wrong, dirty or whatever she has been taught. Its hard to get over the

things that make us hide from sexual experiences. keep trying to talk to her. Ask

as soon as she says stop, ask her if you hurt her if she doesn't like it ect.. The

thing that makes me think this is emotional or mental for her is you saying you

know she uses toys and does things to herself, yet she tells you she ha no sex drive.

Obviously there is some sex drive right?

get a lubricant of some type that will numb the area.

DO NOT DO THIS. numbing the area takes away the pain sensation.

Pain is the bodies way of staying stop!! Anal is new to her and Numbing the area is

not good for when your just starting.

[Desires08]

You say she is very repressed sexually, this makes me wonder if she doesn't think

that anal is wrong, dirty or whatever she has been taught. Its hard to get over the

things that make us hide from sexual experiences. keep trying to talk to her. Ask

as soon as she says stop, ask her if you hurt her if she doesn't like it ect.. The

thing that makes me think this is emotional or mental for her is you saying you

know she uses toys and does things to herself, yet she tells you she ha no sex drive.

Obviously there is some sex drive right?

DO NOT DO THIS. numbing the area takes away the pain sensation.

Pain is the bodies way of staying stop!! Anal is new to her and Numbing the area is

not good for when your just starting.

I have to disagree but do respect your opinion on that. I'm not saying Numb it so much that you don't have any feeling whatsoever. But for some women it is the answer that is why they sell the stuff. Even k-y jelly at walmart is supposed to aid with anal sex because I have friends who use the stuff. Everyone is different and n2it you will just have to find what works for you and your wife.

[Desires08]

You say she is very repressed sexually, this makes me wonder if she doesn't think

that anal is wrong, dirty or whatever she has been taught. Its hard to get over the

things that make us hide from sexual experiences. keep trying to talk to her. Ask

as soon as she says stop, ask her if you hurt her if she doesn't like it ect.. The

thing that makes me think this is emotional or mental for her is you saying you

know she uses toys and does things to herself, yet she tells you she ha no sex drive.

Obviously there is some sex drive right?

DO NOT DO THIS. numbing the area takes away the pain sensation.

Pain is the bodies way of staying stop!! Anal is new to her and Numbing the area is

not good for when your just starting.

I have to disagree but do respect your opinion on that. I'm not saying Numb it so much that you don't have any feeling whatsoever. But for some women it is the answer that is why they sell the stuff. Even k-y jelly at walmart is supposed to aid with anal sex because I have friends who use the stuff. Everyone is different and n2it you will just have to find what works for you and your wife. Here is one of the articles in the sexual education topics. I have copied and pasted it for you:)

Educating Yourself on Anal Sex

Return To Anal Sex FAQ Page

Does anal sex have to be painful?

The common myth is that anal play, certainly intercourse, has to be painful. It is true however that due to the extreme concentration of nerve endings in the anus that there can be extreme pain if mistreated. In order to fully appreciate and enjoy anal sex it is vital to eliminate all physical pain and trauma. This requires the passive partner, the person accepting something into their anus, to be ready to say "no" if they are not comfortable with continuing. It also requires the trust that the aggressive partner, the one who inserts an object into their partner's anus, will stop immediately upon such request. Once that trust is there, the two most important factors are to relax and use plenty of lubrication. It is important to use lubrication because the anus does not produce any natural lubrication or moistness like the vagina does. The most popular lubricants can be found by clicking here. A good method for learning to relax and trust your partner is to have a session where there is an agreement that no actual intercourse will happen. This will allow the passive partner to enjoy the pleasures of this erogenous zone without the fear or concern that they have to immediately move on to something larger.

Return To Anal Sex FAQ Page

Will I be able to have an orgasm from anal sex?

People can have orgasms from anal sex, but if one concentrates on the feelings solely looking for an orgasm, it is likely that the new pressure of seeking such an orgasm will prevent them from having one. That being said, it is most likely that a female will have an orgasm through anal sex due to the contractions of the pelvic muscle. Men will have an orgasm from anal sex due to the stimulation that is felt by the prostate. The most common way for people to have an orgasms while engaging in anal sex is to have some sort of direct genital stimulation as well while the anal intercourse is in progress. This can be done by rubbing the clitoris or testicles and stroking the penis.

Return To Anal Sex FAQ Page

What are some positions I should try?

Depending upon how experienced you are there are a number of different positions you can try. For people just starting to explore anal sex, I recommend a "spooning" position, this is where the couple would lay on their sides, one behind the other. This helps keep the couple close to one another so they can see how one another is reacting to various movements. This also allows the receiving partner to have the most control possible over the amount of penetration. A very common position for anal sex is the rear entry or "doggie style" position. Although this is most likely not the best position for beginners, it is a position that allows for the deepest penetration. This position does not offer the kind of intimacy and closeness of others, but when it comes to hot and fast thrusting and deep penetration, this may be the position for you. A third position is that which closely resembles the missionary position. The aggressive partner would approach the passive partner from the top, while the passive partner lays on their back calves over their partners shoulders thus enabling the anus to be exposed. This allows the couple to face one another and gives them the ability to easily caress each other all over.

View our complete anal toys section here.

[Tyger]

OK, please let me weigh in on the whole "lube/numbing" issue.

I think Froggy was saying "No" to the numbing part, but NOT to the lubing up part. Of COURSE you need lube for anal sex. A good quality lube too. As the posted clips of an article point out, the anus doesn't self-lubricate when you're sexually excited.

I personally don't like the idea of a numbing lube though, especially for new-to-anal-sex people, just because, if it's numb, and something tears, or hurts, you won't know about it until later. Pain is the way your body tells you to slow down before something serious happens. A numbing lube really gives you a false sense of security. I think that those are products to try and give you a feeling of safety, when it can do more harm than good. Again, this is just MY opinion though.

For some people, anal sex can be scary, since that hole is much smaller, and not made to accomodate something going UP in there. It's something that takes trust, time, lots and lots of lube, and, for the reciever to relax, but still feel free to let their lover know what's feeling good, and what needs to be done/changed.

[froggystyle1977]

Yes Tyger is correct I was not saying no to Lube I was saying no to numbing the area.

From my personal experience, as I stated in my above post numbing is not recommended by many for those just

beginning to explore anal sex. Just because something is sold anywhere does not make it safe.

[cupcake522]

i would just like to add some thing to all the wonderful adv you have already been given. in having done this myself i may have some thing to add that can help you . we do anal from time to time. there are nights that i am wanting it so bad and others when he touches me there i am like no way . with me i just have to be relly turned on . and i have also let him play a little then say no more. this bc( w/ me) i can only do that so much and then enough is enough. and i too have always been very "shy" during sex. we have been together for 16 yrs and i still get embarassed about stuff. i can not talk to my dh about sex stuff bc i still in the back of my head think " omg what will he think of me". when he would actually be very happy if i would but i just can't. we hear so much of what is not "normal" and this is what gives my the prob. bc in the back of my mind i think man i like this and that but it's not normal so i keep it to my self. the only time i can talk to dh aboutit is right after in the dark . i know it is weird but it helps me if i am not looking into his eyes. i hope some of this has helped you in any way .

[Desires08]

I apologize if I have offended anyone. There is lots of great advice here and they are right, you do need to be careful in case of tears, etc...I think the most important thing is to be gentle.

[bman]

I appreciate everyone's advice. It's refreshing to get honest advice without the nonsense!

Thanks again!

[junior88]

i would just like to add some thing to all the wonderful adv you have already been given. in having done this myself i may have some thing to add that can help you . we do anal from time to time. there are nights that i am wanting it so bad and others when he touches me there i am like no way . with me i just have to be relly turned on . and i have also let him play a little then say no more. this bc( w/ me) i can only do that so much and then enough is enough. and i too have always been very "shy" during sex. we have been together for 16 yrs and i still get embarassed about stuff. i can not talk to my dh about sex stuff bc i still in the back of my head think " omg what will he think of me". when he would actually be very happy if i would but i just can't. we hear so much of what is not "normal" and this is what gives my the prob. bc in the back of my mind i think man i like this and that but it's not normal so i keep it to my self. the only time i can talk to dh aboutit is right after in the dark . i know it is weird but it helps me if i am not looking into his eyes. i hope some of this has helped you in any way .

Thanks for your post. You and my SO are very must alike. She only will talk about sex after dark and with some prodding. It is really frustrating for me sometimes because I want to discuss and try new stuff but if my SO is stressed about something or isn't particularly horny that day she clams up. We communicate well but she is just not naturally very willing to discuss sex. My solution to this has been to try and discuss sex more often, even if just in a general sense, to try and make the subject more "normal". I think men generally are always ready for any kind of sex and nothing a woman does will shock them enough to ruin a mood. Some women on the other hand I think are more easily spooked and are more likely to be thinking about what their partner "must" be thinking of them right now. My SO has told me that she will be worried that I am thinking she is wierd but in reality all I am thinking is "Hell YA! This is the best I've ever had it!".

Men your best bet is to be up front with your partner and communicate that anything they do will turn you on AND then prove it to them. The other thing is NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER FOR ANY REASON make a joke about her body, what she does during sex, or any other stupid remark that will make her think you might be judging her. This is at any time not just during "sex time". If she is self concious and feels judged you might as well forget trying anything new or "taboo".

[ToyQueen]

I agree with junior. I have always been very shy in talking about sex. I was also not very adventurous. That was one of the reasons my first husband cited for leaving me. I think it's very hard for some of us to open up (even to our SO) about the things we really want. Part of being seen as a "bad girl" or something.

[pappyld04]

When it comes to anal there is no better barometer than pain. Any numbing solution could have disastrous results. Lube IMO is the major key along with a tender approach. Think of it in the same way you would a virgin and you may get further. IDK a thing about the technique you use to get her to a point of allowing you to begin but apparently she enjoys it up to that point. Something there needs a closer inspection!

[bazil323]

Lube, lube, lube!! If it hurts, try more lube. If it still hurts, stop now and try again later when you are more relaxed. Hubby and I had to try countless times before we could successfully perform anal. And lube was critical to that.

I would never recommend a numbing lube. Doesn't that just defeat the purpose of sex? Plus it allows you to accidentally hurt yourself without knowing until later. And then you might never want to do it again because you ended up bleeding or even having to go to a hospital. Just take it slow, be relaxed, LOTS of lube, patience, perserverance, and lots of stimulation of the clit, pussy, breasts, whatever gets you going before you go anal. And communication! Have a safeword if need be.

[junior88]

Lube, lube, lube!! If it hurts, try more lube. If it still hurts, stop now and try again later when you are more relaxed. Hubby and I had to try countless times before we could successfully perform anal. And lube was critical to that.

I would never recommend a numbing lube. Doesn't that just defeat the purpose of sex? Plus it allows you to accidentally hurt yourself without knowing until later. And then you might never want to do it again because you ended up bleeding or even having to go to a hospital. Just take it slow, be relaxed, LOTS of lube, patience, perserverance, and lots of stimulation of the clit, pussy, breasts, whatever gets you going before you go anal. And communication! Have a safeword if need be.

Since it sounds like you had the same issues my SO and I have had with needing many attempts, what lube do you use(if you don't mind me asking)? We have tried several different lubes but haven't really hit on the right one.

I have to agree about not using numbing lube. In the long run I think you are really worse off if you use the numbing lube because it wears off eventually and if you walk around sore for the next 24 hours, those 24hours are far more memorable than the relatively short period of pleasure you got from the sex and that makes the next time that much harder.

[Angelina]

My wife seems to love it when I massage her anus. She moans, and squirms a lot. Then, just as quickly, she will say, "don't do that"

I know she does it to herself at times, but she refuses to discuss it.

Any ladies out ther who can tell me what is going on. I am willing to do anything she wants.

I think she is embarrassed to admit that she likes or desires this (I’m a little like that too until recently).

As weird as this sounds she may be more embarrassed if you ask her is she is embarrassed.

I started getting MUCH less embarrassed in my mind when I started reading erotic novels now I’m trying to get my Hubby to read them too.

I started out kinda light and got heavier now I’m reading BDSM books and am trying to figure these new feelings myself.

Think about it.

[mystofpric]

My wife seems to love it when I massage her anus. She moans, and squirms a lot. Then, just as quickly, she will say, "don't do that"

I know she does it to herself at times, but she refuses to discuss it.

Any ladies out ther who can tell me what is going on. I am willing to do anything she wants.

Alright I can't tell you how to do this, I've only tried once and it didn't work out well. However I (until recently) have beeen very uptight (maybe not the right wording?) about anal sex. I have used my vibe, but it's kinda big and I'm not putting myself throuh that just yet. What I"m getting from it is that she's probably thinks it's wrong and the reason she sudenly stops you is thats he feels she is doing something wrong and maybe be feeling guilty about. Remember, anal still have a very negetive image public. Slowly that tide is changing but it's still for sporn stars and whores and "queers". Personally I think that if you enjoy yoruself that's all that matters. I'm slowly opening myself to it. Mybe she just needs a little time, go slow, only play with it for a few seconds and then stop BEFORE she tells you to, increase the time you spend unlocking the back door. She's probably going to stay resisitent but by taking it slow you can allow her a chance to get comfortable with it.

[Amylynn920]

Don't use numbing lube pain's an indicator to slow down, change it up or stop. Try silicone. It lasts longer.