Cheating

[coleyjames]

you know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"? my fiance cheated on his ex at least 3 times that i know of, including once with me. he has never given me any reason to believe that he has cheated on me or any reason not to trust him. it just sucks, we have been together for 2 years now and have a baby girl that is 6 months old which has brought us close together but yet farther apart. since she has been born i think more and more that i am not good enough for him any more and that he's cheating but i dont think he is. we cant go out together anymore and have a good time because we end up in a huge fight that we are usually both to blame. i never used to care who he was talking to at the bar and now i have been so jealous i cant stand it. what is wrong with me? shouldn't i have been more jealous at the beginning and not now? i go every single day thinking that he is going to cheat on me, i dont tell him though, that would just start a fight. he tells me that he loves me all the time. has anyone else gone through this awful jealousy stage? is it just a stage? will it ever end?

i also get very pissed lately when he insists on watching porn while we have sex and instead of looking at me he's watching the damn tv the whole time.

[jhard]

you know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"? my fiance cheated on his ex at least 3 times that i know of, including once with me. he has never given me any reason to believe that he has cheated on me or any reason not to trust him. it just sucks, we have been together for 2 years now and have a baby girl that is 6 months old which has brought us close together but yet farther apart. since she has been born i think more and more that i am not good enough for him any more and that he's cheating but i dont think he is. we cant go out together anymore and have a good time because we end up in a huge fight that we are usually both to blame. i never used to care who he was talking to at the bar and now i have been so jealous i cant stand it. what is wrong with me? shouldn't i have been more jealous at the beginning and not now? i go every single day thinking that he is going to cheat on me, i dont tell him though, that would just start a fight. he tells me that he loves me all the time. has anyone else gone through this awful jealousy stage? is it just a stage? will it ever end?

i also get very pissed lately when he insists on watching porn while we have sex and instead of looking at me he's watching the damn tv the whole time.

Hi Coleyjames,

From what i know of male kind, your guy sounds like a cheater to me. Hope for your sake i'm wrong. I think that for most men, staying true to one woman is really hard. Temptations come, problems arise...strip clubs all over the place..every other billboard selling sex...the yellow pages full of escorts and massage girls...it is much easier than not to break your lovers trust at some point if you are together long enough. Kinda like one of my single friends says...a man is just not meant to be with one woman.

By the way, i'm sure you are "good enough" for him. Take a good look and see if he is "good enough for you".

jhard

[Desires08]

Okay. First. You have got to get control of your jealousy. It will consume and destroy everything you have.How do you do that? You start spending time loving yourself. Pamper yourself. Spoil yourself. Everyday, think of one good quality about yourself whether it be mental, physical, emotional, etc.. and flaunt the hec out of it. Now as for once a cheater always a cheater, I do believe that people can and do change....but in reality, sometimes they don't, even when they really really try to. That doesn't mean that he's cheating. It sounds to me that there is possibly some emotional cheating going on and it is taking a toll on your self esteem. A lot of women when they first have kids with a man feel different than before. One reason is that in truth, you are different. You went from being a delicate flower so to speak to a warrior to give life to your daughter and darlin' that is something to be EXTREMELY proud of, not ashamed. Your body has changed. But look at that precious little angel that brought about that change. If he always talked to other women at the bar before then he proabably will continue too. I don't think he's doing it to hurt you if it was something he was doing before. I think you're a little afraid that he isn't gonna like you the same or love you as much since you're body has went through the process of child birth, but again, I think he'll love you more and though it does take some adjusting after having a child, you can still have great sex. Work on doing Kegels. LOTS and LOTS of kegels. As for stretch marks (that was my biggie after my first child) check out some of the avon products. They are clinically proven to work to help reduce those. And in time they will fade. As far as if this will ever end. Yes it will. Either you can make a conscience decision to give 100% and end it now (as far as the jealousy and trust issues go) or eventually it could drive a thick wedge between you forcing a split. Trust me, I know first hand. What you can do to change this on your part is this. Everytime you think that he is cheating on you, I want you to do two things. First, ask yourself why you think this and be brutally honest. This can give indication as to what the cause of the problem is. And Second, when you have these thoughts if he has not given you good reason to think he is cheating, tehn by all means block them out. Replace it with a good thought. A romantic thought. A loving thought. He tells you he loves you all the time. Do his actions match his words? If they do, then darling, stop worrying. Trust him. If they don't then you may consider having a heart to heart talk with him about how you are feeling, what he may be doing to upset you, and work through this TOGETHER. I stress together for one purpose. The two of you are in this relationship together. It's not just you and not just him. My fear after I had my kids was that he wouldn't like my body anymore. I started exercising, walking, running, doing some kegels, and taking care of myself. Now, things are not always perfect, but my point is this. In the end, if he was unfaithful, I knew in my heart I had done everything to keep him satisfied. And it's not all about how you look either. I want to stress that. But my point with the looks is that sometimes, we have low self esteem about our bodies. If that's the case, only we can change that. Right? I would also suggest possibly getting a babysitter and having a romantic night out but not at the bar since that does appear to be a sore spot right now. Babies require lots of attention, time, energy, and devotion. Often we don't realize that and we feel so tired and drained that we put our romance and love lives on the back burner....and we forget about them until we smell that scalding smell, and then we're like, "oh no! I don't feel as close as I did!"....I may be wrong, but I think it's somewhat normal for new first time parents to go through this. Give it some time. Everything is gonna be okay. And I'm proud of you for being so brave to take the first step in seeking help. Sometimes it helps just to get it out and to get some un biased third party advice. Someday, you'll probably be guiding a new mom along the way. As for the porn, I completely and totally understand and I do agree with you. The fact is, Men are very visual and it is normal to look at porn even if they sometimes get way too caught up in it. My suggestion is this. Turn off the television and have a pamper night. Once, I did this. I gave my hubby a long, thorough massage, ran a steamy bubble bath where we tended to one another, and then I gave him a blow job underwater.....lol now I can't suggest you do that but point being, create your own porn. You be the star of the show for a night. Do what you are comfortable doing and most of all, take it slow. We all want things to happen in a snap, but sometimes, the greatest things are those that manifest themselves over time. He loves you. Remember that. Let go of the jealousy (I know it's hard but you can do it!), and take time to enjoy being in love.

[pappyld04]

By the way, i'm sure you are "good enough" for him. Take a good look and see if he is "good enough for you".

jhard

I've got to give you credit for this statement. But the rest is just a fact of the world. I have been known to visit strip clubs and have even taken my gf to them and introduced her to some of the girls that have come to be on my fav list. Jealousy is an ugly thing and she didn't have this problem until recently. There may be just cause and there may not be. Finding the cause of it is what should be most important here. A lap dance IMMOO (in my male oriented opinion) does not constitute cheating. Flirting at the bar is not cheating. I do it myself and so does my gf. It's how these things turn into jealousy that is what really matters.

[pappyld04]

Good point iha!

[Desires08]

I had a talk with a lawyer and he told me this. This is the conversation.

Me: " I guess I attract jerks"

Lawyer: "No, most good girls are attracted to jerks. How about giving us nice guys a try for a change?"

Point of that is this. NOT ALL MEN ARE JERKS. There are lots and lots of great men in this world and believe it or not, I know many who are faithful. But I also know some who are not. Don't fall into stereotyping. Chances are, what you're feeling, he's feeling too. He is human just like you, only he may hide his feelings easier. And I also wanted to add that it is easy for a man to cheat yes, but hey babe, you got the goods they cheat for right? Don't sell yourself short. My experience is this. When a man feels upset in the relationship he withdraws into his own little world. Fussing and arguing isn't gonna bring him out of the cave. Only love can and will.

[pappyld04]

And yet another good one. If truth be known though many times a man will make those accusations when it is him doing the cheating. Gents you've just been thrown on the chopping block! LOL!

[Tyger]

Wow!! Well, there's a lot here.

Yes, after we have kids, our bodies do change. Some men have a hard time getting back into the swing of sex with their wives, especially after seeing the birth, because they're either too awed or kinda grossed out by the whole thing. But, that usually disappates over time.

If you're unhappy with your post-baby body, start working out, do something that feels good for YOU. Make him watch the kiddo for an hour or 2 when you want to go shopping, to the gym, or even a walk around the block. Take some time for YOU. Reaffriming that you are your own person, and not this extension of a little baby, or small child, and making sure that you take time for yourself, is very important, not to mention helping you stay sane! Trust me, I'm a SAHM, I know what you mean!!!

I would also find it hard to trust any man that cheated on his ex with me, to stay loyal to me. For if he could cheat on his SO with ME, then what's to stop him from doing so to me too. KWIM? I'm not saying that he IS, and I'm not saying he isn't. Women usually get a 6th sense about all of this. If you truly "feel" like you're hubby's cheating on you, then chances are, he is.

If he goes out, like he normally does, then, he's probably doing what he did before. Although, if y'all are doing all sorts of petty fighting, with no real merit, then that may not be helping him stay true to you. AGain, if you find real proof, or just know in your gut that he is, then he probably is.

I have a firm belief: You cannot prevent someone from cheating on you. No matter how "controlling" you try to be, or how sweet, nice, loving, or bitchy, if someone really really wants to cheat, they will. If they TRULY want to stay true to you, they will. But, no matter what you do, a cheater will cheat. There's just no stopping it.

The whole porn thing, well, I am a BIG fan of porn. Love it!! However, it should be used as it's meant to be, as an enhancement to your sexlife with your SO, not a replacement. If he can't even look at you while that's on, then you should seriously consider not allowing him watching it during your lovemaking. He should have his full attention on YOU. But, you can always get pointers about what positions to try, oral techniques, and so on. But, never should he be watching porn and just going thru the motions with you.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide you need to do.

[Amylynn920]

Any man who "insists on watching porn while we have sex and instead of looking at me he's watching the damn tv the whole time" is an abject idiot...this alone is enough to dump him.

Agreed.

[Guest eminatic]

well this is just my personal policy but i'd never be involved in a relationship with someone who has cheated at any point in a previous relationship.

[sun_flower969]

Is it possible that you may be a little post partum? However, trust your instincts! I know sometimes you may feel like you are going crazy but 9 times out of 10 our women's intuition is right. Do whatever you have to to find out the facts. Yeah and the porn thing.... I totally agree! You do need to talk to him though and tell him all you are feeling. Don't feel bad and don't let him patronize you. Talk until you feel better...

you know the saying "once a cheater always a cheater"? my fiance cheated on his ex at least 3 times that i know of, including once with me. he has never given me any reason to believe that he has cheated on me or any reason not to trust him. it just sucks, we have been together for 2 years now and have a baby girl that is 6 months old which has brought us close together but yet farther apart. since she has been born i think more and more that i am not good enough for him any more and that he's cheating but i dont think he is. we cant go out together anymore and have a good time because we end up in a huge fight that we are usually both to blame. i never used to care who he was talking to at the bar and now i have been so jealous i cant stand it. what is wrong with me? shouldn't i have been more jealous at the beginning and not now? i go every single day thinking that he is going to cheat on me, i dont tell him though, that would just start a fight. he tells me that he loves me all the time. has anyone else gone through this awful jealousy stage? is it just a stage? will it ever end?

i also get very pissed lately when he insists on watching porn while we have sex and instead of looking at me he's watching the damn tv the whole time.