I Can't Get My Self Esteem Back

[Amylynn920]

I used to not care about being naked. I really didn't and I'm not a victorias secret model either but I was comfortable with myself.

But I had a really bad experience the other night. I was laughed at, not in a mean way, intentionally, I don't think. I hope. I mean I don't know. But he was basically laughing at how I looked in a position, and frankly I don't want to be naked in front of him anymore. It still plays back at me. I know I'll probably not do that position again either, at least not for a long time.

I was crushed, mortified and just plain old hurt. I know I'm not perfect but when that happened, I felt ugly. And it's set me back alot. A real lot.

It's still pretty raw with me and I can't even really discuss it with him, and we discuss mostly everything. In my mind I can't bring it up to really discuss it because he'll once again remember how silly I looked.

I wonder now so many times what he thought of me or still does and part of me just shuts down. I know I need to work through it, but I'm just feeling really ugly lately sometimes.

It sucks because it was my favorite position, but I don't think I'll be doing that again.

[hollybw]

Honey, PLEASE! You know I have seen your picture, and you are far from ugly! Trust me!

I'm sure it hurt at the time, and still does. But you have to let it go - or talk to him. You are married, and should be able to talk about it. I'm sure he meant nothing by it, as you said already.

Sex can make us very vulnerable. But don't let it get you down.

I know what you mean. I don't look so much like I did when we first got together, before baby and a year of breast-feeding. He still loves the way I look anyway, at least he says he does.

I get very self-conscious, too. However, it is something we all have to get over and let go of.

Something probably just tickled him at the moment - nothing to do with you in a negative way.

I'm sorry this happened - I would probably feel something like you do - but I would say something.

Men can sometimes be stupid or immature - most of them can't help it - sorry guys.

Keep your head up!

[jesso]

Aiden - as embarrased as you feel you NEED to talk about this with him. You're going to start regretting and overthinking things.

CLEAR THE AIR! Maybe he was just laughing at the situation and not specifically you. Miscommunication is the mother of all fuckups! You never know.....

[Amylynn920]

I know Holly, it was probably me being over sensitive. But I have had esteem issues since way back. Way, way back.

I know it's probably me just being over sensitive, but I know it's going to take me a long time if I even get up the courage to do it again. It was nothing that physically tickled him. It was me. I asked him what was so funny after about a minute of his laughing and he said "you look funny" and then proceeded to show me how I looked. I guess I was making faces or something.

I dunno I didn't dwell on it I was too mortified.

Yes they can be stupid and immature but women can too.

Thanks for the good words.

Miss you too!

[Amylynn920]

No Ginger, he said he was laughing at how I looked.

[jesso]

Well I'm sorry to hear your man was not being as sensitive as he should be. I still think you need to talk with him about this. Frankly, he should understand that you feeling sexy is a big part of you feeling good about having sex in general. I'm sorry this situation has made things uncomfortable with you two. I hope you work this out.

[sun_flower969]

I used to not care about being naked. I really didn't and I'm not a victorias secret model either but I was comfortable with myself.

But I had a really bad experience the other night. I was laughed at, not in a mean way, intentionally, I don't think. I hope. I mean I don't know. But he was basically laughing at how I looked in a position, and frankly I don't want to be naked in front of him anymore. It still plays back at me. I know I'll probably not do that position again either, at least not for a long time.

I was crushed, mortified and just plain old hurt. I know I'm not perfect but when that happened, I felt ugly. And it's set me back alot. A real lot.

It's still pretty raw with me and I can't even really discuss it with him, and we discuss mostly everything. In my mind I can't bring it up to really discuss it because he'll once again remember how silly I looked.

I wonder now so many times what he thought of me or still does and part of me just shuts down. I know I need to work through it, but I'm just feeling really ugly lately sometimes.

It sucks because it was my favorite position, but I don't think I'll be doing that again.

Now I feel like shit. Like a bad friend. I know I haven't been around much but you can CALL ME! I am here pretty much all day! I am so sorry you are feeling like this. If anyone knows about reading into things and getting feelings hurt it is me I am the Queen! Ginger's words ring true : Miscommunication is the mother of all fuckups!

I may have to use that as my new saying! Girl just make sure you talk about it till you feel better! Even if he didn't mean it he should be made to see why it hurt you so he wont be insensitive in the future.

[ladylove]

No Ginger, he said he was laughing at how I looked.

Which doesn't mean he thinks you looked bad, or doesn't love you. It just means something happened at that very moment in time that tickled his funny bone. He loves you and would probably never want to intentionally hurt you...Talk to the man, he's your best friend. Don't let this put a wedge between you. Life's too short.

[Amylynn920]

Sun you are a good friend. It's just me. Like I said I had issues too from way back. I just don't feel comfortable with myself anymore.

It's something I need to work on. I don't hear alot of positive sex talk, things like I make him hot, that I'm beautiful to him. I know your husband tells you that all the time, but I never hear it so I just feel most of the time like I'm passable you know?

I know it was not a derogatory thing at me in general. It was just that I guess I struck him as funny at the moment, but it set me back alot. A real lot.

Like I want to lock doors in the bathroom, get dressed alone, things like that. Now I'm worried about how I look when I'm asleep. Stupid huh?

I just don't feel comfortable talking about it to him right now. That's why I'm glad we have the forums I can bounce stuff off of you guys.

[angelkisses98]

sweetie, you really really have to sit him down and talk to him. this isn't funny anymore at all!! in fact its really starting to piss me off!! i just dont understand why he cant see what a fun, beautiful, sexy woman you are, and why he constantly feels the need to make you feel bad about yourself. please sit him down and tell him how much he is hurting you.

[Valntyn]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Please, please, though, try to work yourself toward having the nerve to talk to him about this soon. It can start as simple as, "I'm sure you didn't mean it as laughing AT me the other night, but I felt like you were and that hurt my feelings." That way you're not pointing fingers, but you're gently letting him know that he did hurt your feelings and you can start talking from there.

One step forward, two steps back... unfortunately that's how the simplest set-back to our emotions and self-being happens. *warm embrace*

[flutterbie]

**Hugs Aiden**

Please sit down and talk to him. He probably didn't even realize he hurt your feelings, and it's not going to make it better to continue to harbor resentment over this.

[Amylynn920]

sweetie, you really really have to sit him down and talk to him. this isn't funny anymore at all!! in fact its really starting to piss me off!! i just dont understand why he cant see what a fun, beautiful, sexy woman you are, and why he constantly feels the need to make you feel bad about yourself. please sit him down and tell him how much he is hurting you.

No Ak, it wasn't intentional, it was just something that struck him as silly. But me being me, my esteem said you're ugly, you look bad etc.

He's a wonderful guy. He really is. Maybe I communicated it wrong.

[Valntyn]

You're not communicating it wrong, but the fact of the matter is, you still feel hurt by it. Whether he did it on purpose, did it by accident, or it's purely your interpretation of it, you still feel bad, and that needs to be discussed.

[Amylynn920]

I know Val, I'm great at giving advice but terrible at following it.

My first marriage messed my head up pretty badly. I didn't realize until the other day, just how much. It's been a while, but it's starting to come to me that it wasn't me all those years it was him.

Funny the baggage we carry with us. I thought I was past alot of it but apparently I'm not.

[synirr]

**Hugs Aiden**

Please sit down and talk to him. He probably didn't even realize he hurt your feelings, and it's not going to make it better to continue to harbor resentment over this.

I agree with this.

I'm sorry this happened to you sweetie... we all do things without thinking about how it's going to make others feel sometimes, and it was probably just a little goof on his part. Talk to him.

That said, I think you need to own this. You need to talk to him because you are vulnerable right now and he needs to know what he should avoid to keep you from feeling bad (as I'm sure he doesn't want to make you feel that way,) but you also need to work on how you react to situations like this. We're all human. No matter how gorgeous or sexy we are, we ALL look silly sometimes, even the supermodels, and it is NOTHING to get worked up about . You can't be glamorous all the time, and you are putting way too much pressure on yourself if you're attempting to do so. Take a step back, relax, and realize that it's ok to just let yourself be... well, yourself. Trust me, no matter what "imperfections" you think you have, you are absolutely perfect because you are you. Your husband is with you because he loves you, gorgeous perfect you, funny facial expressions and all

[Amylynn920]

I trust your judgment that you should NOT talk to him. Don't. It sounds as if you understand the dichotomy of your understanding that he meant no harm, but in turn you still feel hurt. There also seems to be something missing from what you desire from him, such as confirmation of his genuine attraction to you. Perhaps you do not feel 'chosen' by him; that he just takes you (and your positive responses) for granted in some ways.

Maybe your hesitation to speak with him about it now is part of yourself telling you that you have some old issues inside of yourself to resolve. Or, that at some level, not only do you not feel 'chosen', but also feel a lack of depth in your connection with him...after all, if the connection was really there, how could he have laughed? Wouldn't he have been more 'with you' in that moment and find what was going on with you intimate and vulnerable?

No; I support your choosing not to speak just now. It is a naive to think that this is a 'communication issue' that can be solved simply by talking it through; relationship is far, far more elegantly complicated than that. I know from whence I speak; as I had spent years, even decades talking my ass off to no avail. It was only when I began to and was steadfast in differnetiating (with a little help for m my friends, like you Aiden), that I experienced a breakthrough.

Thanks Iha. And yes. To all of it. And for the breakthrough... thank god.

[Mikayla1]

Have you ever seen how some people look in sexual positions? They can be downright funny looking. You know, I have been guilty of thinking that my partner looked 'funny' in a position, and I am most sure that I have been on the opposite end of that too. I mean, twisted, turned, body parts intertwined, chub getting exposed - it is just life with sex.

I am not saying at all that this wouldn't be upsetting - face it, we women NEVER think we look good enough and if the one we love laughs at us (even if it isn't 'us' per se) then we are going to internalize it. However, you know he loves you, you know he is attracted to you, and you know he wasn't malicious in his intent here. So, what are you going to do? Never again do this position that you love? HELL NO GIRL! You can't do that. We have one life (that I know of) and if you are in a happy relationship with a man whom you love and you want to have sex, then why suffer by not doing what you like?

Listen, when I had just had my second baby I had (and still have) a LOT of stomach chub. I mean, like a lot. When I would be on top, there it would be, hanging down the c-section pouch. Or, if I was on bottom and my legs pulled back - there it would be, bunching up. to an extent it is still there. So, I would say to my hubby, "please ignore this area here, it is a work in progress." he would say, "oh please, like this [pointing to HIS chub] isn't worse than what you got going on!"

Point: he loved me no matter what. he always have. We laugh sometimes during sex at ourselves, and yes, at each other. Sometimes it is awkward a bit, but we can not take it too seriously or the sex is ruined. You can not let one situation like this ruin sex for you. I am sure your hubby feels badly about it, and I am sure he doesn't want it to ruin your sex. So please Aiden, do not let this stop you from being the Sex Goddess you are! Jump back in the saddle again - you will be glad you did!

[mystofpric]

HI my love! I want to first say you are amazing no matter what happens.

I think a lot of this isn't so much a communication issue, definitely not a he said/she said. I actually think it's a comfort issue. I would guess that he just feels so comfortable with you, and vice veras, that he may not have thought you'd take it offensive. KUdos also to you for not popping off witrh "and have you ever seen your O face?!" which I would have. So you go girl.

We all know i have terrible self-esteem so I know where your coming from. Ironically it's not a body image thing, I think it stems from how much time i spend naked (as much as possible) It's hard to be uncomfortable in your body when your not hiding it under clothes. Sure, it's awkward at first and Maybe even harder than i make it sound but it will help. It's like curing your fear of heights by sky diving. The other thing you can do, if you have a full body mirror, is get into that postion(if you can without him) and see what he saw. Maybe it really is a crazy position and anyone would look funny in it. Maybe it was just an odd angle for him, could have been the lighting, who knows? If it's your favorite, it stands to reason that you've done this before and he didn't laugh, so maybe it was just something about THAT moment that was funny. Were you trying a new porn face?

My point being is that your are a wonderful amazing strong woman. Your man loves you. And Synirr is right you can't be perfect all the time. I bet if you talk to your hubby, he will probably tell you that your most beautiful when you let go and just go with the flow. Sure your might look funny sometimes, but so does he, I'd say giggle at him once in a whiel but that's playing games, so maybe giggle with him?

[Amylynn920]

We talked a bit after some much welcomed advice given to me here.

It was not done intentionally, I apparently let the old past relationship issues come banging on my door and my head and immediately turned it toward me. He felt very upset that he hurt me, appologized and now things are much better. It was not done as a hurtful intent, it was on his end a genuine spontaneous silly moment.

But my negative self feelings came back and slapped me upside the head

I do want to thank everyone for their thoughts, that's why I posted here, to get views other than what I was seeing. Thanks you guys are awesome.

[Twist]

Glad it's all sorted out AIden.

[Valntyn]

Hurrah! I'm very glad you got the courage to talk about it. I don't think it naive in my thinking that these feelings and thoughts you had needed to GET OUT in the open. Otherwise, if not discussed, they'd just have festered, getting worse and worse. Now, at least, you have answers for this situation. You can feel better about it (which it sounds like you do) and maybe use it for other troubles brewing in your mind.

*hugs*

[mystofpric]

I'm glad things have been cleared up with him. More to the point I'm glad your feeling better. Old relationship isses will creep up on you from time to time, but it's better that when they do you get them out in the open, they tend to not hurt as much that way. We love ya and that's why we're here!

[Amylynn920]

Thanks guys, but honestly it really impacted me. I have no desire for sex. Just none. And I don't want to be naked in front of him. I used to be pretty uninhibited, but when I think about sex, or getting naked my stomach gets sick. I've started locking doors and getting dressed in a hurry.

I know these are things I need to work on. But I just feel really ugly and not too comfortable with myself right now.

And yes we will be talking about it, but not right now.

[pappyld04]

Hot4hubby has a post similar to this, about self-image anyway. IDK if you've read through that one yet. That old baggage from screwed up relationships in the past is difficult if not impossible to drop. But then dropping that would change who you are now. Though I believe these things should be remembered there is also something to be said for your new man who doesn't purposefully treat you this way. I wonder if he knows jsut how extensively you were damaged by the X? I bet he'd be happy to help you through these rough times if he only knew about them.