Self Esteem In Women...

[sun_flower969]

I have been thinking about this issue partly because it hits close to home and partly because it is so prevalent an issue here. So many times I see this issue, men coming on here looking for help with their wife who is uninterested in sex, or women who are trying to get over feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed in the bedroom.

Think about it, something somewhere in your life affected your self esteem, whether it be good or bad. I think that most women have been hurt somewhere down the line and it has affected them in a way that remains a part of their character. As an early childhood educator I know that children need positive reinforcement to have great self esteem. That means encouraging and phrasing things in a positive way that will foster a great self image. My parents did not do the greatest job at this. I remember my Dad literally making fun of a neighbor who was overweight calling her "beach ball"! I remember doing something wrong and him yelling at me saying, "what's wrong with you?" As I grew up I had trouble with some neighborhood kids and they made fun of me and were very mean. It carried over to the other kids at school. I grew up feeling like I was not quite normal, like I couldn't measure up and that everyone else was better, prettier etc. I had literally no friends until I got to high school. Then came the male attention...

I would confuse sexual attention for love and I got hurt A LOT! In my head I thought, "Look how he likes me, wants me etc." I was desperate to be liked, loved, to be though of as special. I would dress provocatively, and I was promiscuous. I tried to change how I looked to fit some persona that I felt was ideal, but deep down I still felt ugly and that I would never measure up. You know, "My eyes are tiny, lips too big, boobs way too small, ass too big, fat stomach"... etc. ( I was 5'2" and 120 lbs) Bad self image from the start.

I think a lot of women (if not most) have a bad self image. So how do we get past it and change? How do we get comfortable in the skin we are in when we have never been happy with it before? It is hard with society's standard of beauty. It seems that everyone in Hollywood has anorexia and breast implants these days. Teenage girls are following suit, it is so sad and wrong. "Everyone is different, embrace diversity!!" Sounds good in theory and I definitely agree with that statement. I think it is hard to change however, when you have been feeling bad for so long. I think the first step is to discard the "ideal" image. Look at yourself, I mean REALLY look deep inside at who you are. What are you like, what are your good qualities. Why are you loveable, (and YOU are, you know.) what makes you special? Think about it. the "perfect" stick model or porn star may look beautiful and sexy but she could be an empty shell inside, shallow and boring or selfish. In fact most of those women are equally if not MORE insecure than any of us! Take Jenna Jameson for example, look at all the surgery she has had in recent years. I mean people thought she was beautiful. She apparently did not, so she had things "fixed", unnecessarily. The list could go on forever regarding women like this.

For me, I think I have to say my H helped me a lot. He showed me that I am worthy, I am a good person with good qualities and that I am beautiful in my OWN way. He saw things in me that I did not, things I wished I could be and didn't realize I already was, in his eyes. I know that my insecurities and bad self image was challenging for him to understand. It hurt him that I felt the way I did. I had trouble in the bedroom and in turn he felt slighted. As I have gotten older I now see the shallowness of that previous way of thinking. I still have issues but I am getting past them. In my own children I am trying to foster a positive self image and a sense of security in themselves. I have 2 little girls with brown hair. I won't even buy them a Blonde Barble doll! (I mean if they wanted one I would but not yet) Maybe that sounds extreme but I want them to relate to what they have and see themselves as beautiful for what they are. I dread the day that they come home thinking "Sally is prettier because she is Blonde" Or "Johnny said I was fat" ... I just want them to be confident and I try to encourage them all the time that they are beautiful, that they are special, that they can do anything, and that they are worthy of love.

Who knows you best, who knows you with all your flaws and deep issues? Who do you show your whole self to yet they still love you? Ask them what they think about you. What endears you to them? Listen and take it to heart, it is TRUE! You are beautiful in your own way, you are special, you are worthy of love!

I believe if you can get this attitude on straight, it is life changing. I am still working through my issues but I am not the same girl I was. My sex life has improved tenfold and I do think this has a lot to do with it...

[vanilla_bean]

There's a lot of truth in what you've written. I've had (have) similar issues. It took me a long time to get over not being perfect. It sort of felt like it would seem like a joke for me to see myself as sexual because I didn't match up with the images of what a sexual woman was. I'm happy to say that I've come a long way. Thanks for a great article Sun!

[pappyld04]

That article was long overdue. From the other side of things I can only say that you touched upon a lot of important things there. Good job sunflower!

[pappyld04]

Dove product lines has a self esteem workshop for young girls. I didn't check but there may be some useful info there as well!

[mystofpric]

Wow! I have been thinking about this a lot and I was going to post a thread about it but you definitly beat me to it! I was 10or 11 when i was first call thunder thighs (5'4"/5'5" and about 145/150). I still have issues with my thighs! Growig up dad would always pinch my fat or ask why I wasn't in sports because then I'd be slim. Even my senior year when I was at my smallest (130) he'd still find fat and pinch it to make me aware of it.

Plus I grew up listening to my parents calling BOTH my sisters, but never me, Skinny Minnie. They would tell my older sister how goregeous her thick hair (mine is baby fine and greasey if I don't keep on it) and beautiful her blue eyes are. My little sister was always told that she had a grogeous olive skin tone (mine is very yellow based) and when she tans she's golden brown, I get so dark they can't tell if I'm tanned or dirty. My little sister hhas wonderful changing hazel eyes. I'm the only brown eyed kid. I was a tom-boy and both my sisters were very feminine. I had scraped knees and bruises from head to toe, they had perfect skin and well done hair. See what I'm getting at?

Then came school. We were less than rich (way less) so I tended to rock hand-me-downs (from my brother!) and i grew and developed slightly behind the other girls and when I did it was just BAM! boobies all over the place. I have been called everything in the book. Slut, whore, lesbo, bull dyke, etc etc etc, and that was all before high school! The boys never really came knocking at my door, not really ever (even now) and this was a HUGE disappointment for me. My family liked to point this out to me, so the first chance I got I lost my V card. Stupid. I got ripped on for that too. People are mean with out realizing it!

[sass]

Sun, I love your article and I love this thread. So many of us have endured simular things, dealt with them in simular manners and are learning healthier ways of dealing with self-esteem issues.

[sun_flower969]

Thanks everyone! Suzy didn't I beat you at some other post as well? I guess we think alike! I feel that I could have said so much more on this topic. Thanks for all your responses.

[HezRae76]

Wonderfully written! I worry about the effects my negative self-esteem will have on my daughter. This site truly is a great place in helping to overcome these issues!

[mailahn97]

It is true you never truly really know who and what all your low self esteem effects. I used to suffer from this really bad. I have gotten a lot better with it, but I still have a lot of work to do. I used to not be able to take a simple compliment at all. I would hide or just ignore it. My other half finally would wait for me to answer on it or would keep saying it til I finally accepted it. I love him for that among other reasons of course. It has helped me more than he will ever know.

A lot of it started from verbal abuse from my father as a teenager and then moved on to my previous relationship. I am a lot better. I can accept compliments I would say about 80% of the time. I am no longer a doormat for people. I used to jump and change my plans just to please everyone else. When I stopped doing that I realized who my true friends really were. I walk looking up not down. I am enjoying life. Now I live by the phrase "Bring it on"

I have also made some great friends on here and some have been through some of the same things as me so it is good to share experiences. Thanks you know who you are.

[mystofpric]

Thanks everyone! Suzy didn't I beat you at some other post as well? I guess we think alike! I feel that I could have said so much more on this topic. Thanks for all your responses.

Yeah, i think you did, stop that!!! Great minds ya know!

[pappyld04]

Regardless of who beat who to the article, the board is a better place for it! Keep at it ladies!

[mystofpric]

Regardless of who beat who to the article, the board is a better place for it! Keep at it ladies!

Not only that but she said it WAY better than I could have. Kudos to Sun!

[sun_flower969]

Not only that but she said it WAY better than I could have. Kudos to Sun!

Really? Thanks Suze!

[12GAUGE]

wow...I can really relate to sunflower969 and suzyp. I grew up in a dysfunctional family too. My folks tried to do rite by me and my sister. Mom was always saying she wasn't very smart and she couldnt do this or that. When I was 12 my Dad was sick for a year (nervous breakdown) and off work. Mom became the breadwinner. It was hard on all of us. I saw what being a grownup did for my Dad and I wanted no part of that. Puberty came and went. My voice changed and I got my adams apple and that was pretty much it. Basically I have never trusted women. I never told my gf this but I didnt trust her either. I wanted to-I really did but I just couldn't...and she was all messed up in the head too like me. She was such a drama queen-always thinking I was mad at her when I wasn't. Plus my gf was/is a BBW and becuz I made the mistake of saying 1 or 2 of my ex gf's were petite/skinny she thot she was too fat for me.I've always been kinda like the fat girl in the bedroom...low self esteem so I would put their pleasure before mine cuz I was just so freakin gratefull I was gonna get some... I have always tried to hide my basketcasedness behind a wall like alot of guys do. When I got out of the Service in '75 I bounced between gay and straight for like 9 or 10 years. I felt then and kinda still do that another guy could understand me better than a woman. Is that screwed up or what? I have always prefered women but I don't feel like I am getting what I need from a gal maybe I could do better with a guy. Man oh man I soooo wish I had a great big bowl right now...I dont have any answers. Sometimes Life really sucks.

[sass]

Wow. Great point that women are not the only ones with self-esteem issues. And since women often feel like only a gal-pal can really understand them, I see no reason why guys should feel differently about someone of the same sex understanding them better.

I do think, however, that men and women can talk about things and come to understand each other, even on just a friend level. Heck, maybe sometimes even better on a friend-level since it is often easier to talk to a friend.

We are all human and as humans, we have things in common. We all have our insecurities - we just handle them differently; we all crave human interaction - some just more/less than others; once hurt, it is hard for us to trust; etc.

And, yes, sometimes life does suck BIG TIME! I have been at my lowest low recently, but thanks to some good friends (including those met here) and some good happy pills (I am all for using what's available to you!) and some long talks, I am feeling so much better now. If I can, anyone can. So I wish you luck! It is possible to find the answers that will work for you!

[sun_flower969]

When I got out of the Service in '75 I bounced between gay and straight for like 9 or 10 years. I felt then and kinda still do that another guy could understand me better than a woman. Is that screwed up or what? I have always prefered women but I don't feel like I am getting what I need from a gal maybe I could do better with a guy.

Not screwed up at all! In fact typical! Great of you to share with us! It means a lot to hear it from a dude!

[TonboMidori]

Yeah, sex and weight have always been quite an issue with me, too. I unfortunately hit puberty in the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. It's kinda hard to be a 9 year old with boobs bigger than your teacher's ;-p It was really confusing from then on because my classmates were calling me 'fat' while my dad's drunk buddies were calling me 'little hottie' and feeling me up damn near every weekend. As a result, I grew up not trusting myself or others. I thought all men wanted the skinny, 'sexy' women and if they asked me out, I was expecting a group of his friend to in the back guffawing at their little prank. Picked a couple of really wrong guys, but at the time I felt like they were the best I could get. Oddly, it took a really nasty (and at the same time eye-opening) experience to make me realize that I'm worth alot more than I thought I was. The funny thing is, I'm now at the heaviest I've ever been but I generally feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd still like to lose some poundage and the insecurities still crop up from time to time, but it doesn't make me feel bad all the time.

Sounds like most of us have come a loooong way. Go us!

[sass]

Yeah, sex and weight have always been quite an issue with me, too. I unfortunately hit puberty in the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade. It's kinda hard to be a 9 year old with boobs bigger than your teacher's ;-p It was really confusing from then on because my classmates were calling me 'fat' while my dad's drunk buddies were calling me 'little hottie' and feeling me up damn near every weekend. As a result, I grew up not trusting myself or others. I thought all men wanted the skinny, 'sexy' women and if they asked me out, I was expecting a group of his friend to in the back guffawing at their little prank. Picked a couple of really wrong guys, but at the time I felt like they were the best I could get. Oddly, it took a really nasty (and at the same time eye-opening) experience to make me realize that I'm worth alot more than I thought I was. The funny thing is, I'm now at the heaviest I've ever been but I generally feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd still like to lose some poundage and the insecurities still crop up from time to time, but it doesn't make me feel bad all the time.

Sounds like most of us have come a loooong way. Go us!

I'm with ya, sister, because of my body's development, I looked older than my actual age from about 9 through my teens. I got boobs about 3rd grade and got groped the first time by a friend's dad when I was about 9. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. He was a handsome man and all the girls had a "crush" on him so I was so confused when he felt me up. It kind of seemed like my body was a sign reading "please act inappropriate with me" because I had another friend's father do the same thing when I was 11 or 12. Then I was raped when I was 13 by a 22-year-old. I used to think all that was my fault. But now, having a 10-year-old girl in the family, I realize there is no way I "asked for it" at those ages.

Needless to say, I have issues!!! But I have worked through many of them and continue to work on many. Trust is still very difficult for me, but I am dealing with it.

[pappyld04]

It took forever for me to find my own self-esteem. My mother married a guy when I was about 4-5 that, on top of being a bully and an all around piece of shit, used to try his damnedest to knock my 5yr old ass out, to no avail. I stabbed him one night for beating on my mom. Of course he really tried to beat my ass then. I was on nerve meds from the age of 5-6 because of this asshole. And as we aged, like Suzy we always had the 2nd time around things. It wasn't until I went to the military that I found myself and pushed to see just what I am capable of. I have never doubted my sexuality but have found few women that I trust enough to fully tell of my past. Mostly because I feel it is my burden alone and I have grown to accept that fact. Now I see it as my responsibility to protect those that have not or cannot do it for themselves.

This has more to do with the fact that I had always doubted myself than anything. "I can't never did shit" & "They don't make things I can't do" have come to be my mantra's in everyday life and I do my best to pass these to others as well!

[sass]

I have never doubted my sexuality but have found few women that I trust enough to fully tell of my past. Mostly because I feel it is my burden alone and I have grown to accept that fact.

Totally understand. My FWB is the only person I have told all about my past. And that was only very recently. I guess I felt like I had nothing to lose when I told him about everything. I wanted him to understand why I am the way that I am, and giving him every terrible detail was the only way. This conversation and his reaction is why I feel so deeply for him now. He has helped me so much more than he knows.

[pappyld04]

I think a large part of our partners understanding that we are fucked up like polio at times is knowing how we got this way!

[sun_flower969]

It took forever for me to find my own self-esteem. My mother married a guy when I was about 4-5 that, on top of being a bully and an all around piece of shit, used to try his damnedest to knock my 5yr old ass out, to no avail. I stabbed him one night for beating on my mom. Of course he really tried to beat my ass then. I was on nerve meds from the age of 5-6 because of this asshole. And as we aged, like Suzy we always had the 2nd time around things. It wasn't until I went to the military that I found myself and pushed to see just what I am capable of. I have never doubted my sexuality but have found few women that I trust enough to fully tell of my past. Mostly because I feel it is my burden alone and I have grown to accept that fact. Now I see it as my responsibility to protect those that have not or cannot do it for themselves.

This has more to do with the fact that I had always doubted myself than anything. "I can't never did shit" & "They don't make things I can't do" have come to be my mantra's in everyday life and I do my best to pass these to others as well!

Thanks for sharing that Pappy You are awesome!

[pappyld04]

Thank you sun!

[sass]

I think a large part of our partners understanding that we are fucked up like polio at times is knowing how we got this way!

You are sooo right. I wish I had learned that earlier.

[mystofpric]

So i guess I never really thought about a guys self-esteem like that. A HUGE thank you fo the guys for being so open and honest with us, and hugs to all!