Need Advice For A Friend...

[sun_flower969]

I had lunch with my best friend today. We had been drifting apart lately and I was happy to spend time with my good friend! So we were talking and she tells me that she had a huge fight with her husband. So I asked her why. Guess why....

She asked him how often HE thinks they aught to be having sex!!!! Long story short she asked him all kinds of questions as to why they are not as active. Why does she go to bed 6 out of 7 nights all alone. Is he not attracted to her anymore etc. He said and I quote, "I just don't feel like it, I don't know what to tell you"... What causes this and how do you fix it??? I know they have a busy life, 2 kids and he has a stressful job. She is very active in their kids schools and in their community. It kind of blew me away to hear that a MAN is just not interested in sex!

In addition, she told me that at times when they are having sex, she will orgasm and then notice he stops. She will then ask him, "hey, did you finish"? He has told her, "Oh no I lost it" and he will not continue, he just loses his arousal and stops! I wonder if they need counseling! I know that if you have very infrequent sex that this can affect your libido but I don't get this! Does anyone? Please help me help my friend!!!

I already sent her Mikayla's article on sexual disconnection. On a side note, she is kind of controlling, a perfectionist and really wears the pants in the relationship, could this affect him as well?

Any input I will pass along.

Thanks!

[colletteski]

Oh my! That's difficult, I'd say he needs to see a doctor, but that's just me. My DH isn't a very sexual man either, you all know how he is, i've made posts, but he definately isn't going to stop before he gets his! That's just weird.

Does he masterbate?? It could be that it's just too much work for him to have to actually participate in sex. Or he could be spent from his alone time.

Honestly I'm not sure, just throwing out some options here

[sbayhylle]

It could be something medical that he isn't ready to face himself much less tell his wife about.

[Mikayla1]

In my opinion, this sounds like textbook PE (performance anxiety). As men get older, their ability to stay rock hard in all situations weans a bit. They have a time or two when the erection goes away, and all of a sudden the guy is wondering 'what the hell.' Well, as most men are, he is now feeling really unmanly (cause a man gets a lot of his ego from his cock) and he avoids sex cause he doesn't want it to happen again. Then, when approached with sex, he turns it down cause he doesn't want to be embarrassed. The situation gets worse and worse until there is no sex.

Most men will NOT ask for directions or why their cock is not working 'correctly' - so these issues go unsolved and unaddressed for the most part. Sadly, it becomes worse and worse and relationships suffer greatly.

Also, he may be loosing his erection while they are having sex and she just notices it after she orgasms. Or, if she is clenching him hard, that can aid in his loosing it. He may have a blood flow issue to his penis, and this can be corrected in many ways (medicinally or psychologically) but he has to want help.

I would suggest she tenderly ask him what is going on and suggest that she noticed that he is not that interested and looses it and perhaps he should ask his doctor. Information is power, and if she tells him she is interested in fixing this for them and doesn't judge him as inadequate, he may agree to go.

[sun_flower969]

for example, becoming a 'slave girl' for the eventing, replete with costuming and exotic dance, with blowjob and presentation of bottom for anal sex....(o.k., I'm a guy, and we kinda try and support each other, so if this works for him, hurray!)

LMFAO If you only knew her you would never even suggest this she is VERY conservative very shy about sex to say the least!! I have mentioned her in many posts. The very idea of her like that slays me!

I am very grateful for your replies! They are both great points and as I read them I was like YEAH totally! I will wait to see if anyone else chimes in and then pass it along!

[mystofpric]

LOL Iha! Actually he said in a far more professional manor than I could have what I wanted to say. If she actually wears the pants in teh relationship, assuming they've been having problems, this could be a large factor. Couple this with Mikayla's idea of PE and you have one very shut down man. I'm always an advocate of counseling, but Iha's approach is more personal and less expensive. Let your friend knw she can but cheap chain at the hardware store, it's a prop you just need the idea......

[angelkisses98]

when my hubby's ED was at his worse, he didn't want sex either...he was ashamed, therefor just pushed me away.

is this the same friend who you had lunch with her group of friends>?? cuz he may just be bored as well...

[sun_flower969]

when my hubby's ED was at his worse, he didn't want sex either...he was ashamed, therefor just pushed me away.

is this the same friend who you had lunch with her group of friends>?? cuz he may just be bored as well...

Yes that's her I don't know about bored just P-whipped if you KWIM I wonder if it is just that he has been manipulated by her for so long that it is taking it's toll... Thanks for your response!

[angelkisses98]

could be..i mean..would we wanna be treated that way?? NOPE

[Mikayla1]

Iha makes great points as well. ED is rarely, RARELY simply a physical problem. There is almost always a psychological reason as well. As pointed out, if she is very controlling and a perfectionist then I doubt a failing penis in the bedroom is going to fit into her mindset of a perfect sexual situation AND I am sure she would be mighty mad about it as well. Therefore, he is suffering not only from his own inability to perform but also his inability to stack up to his wife's expectations - which I am sure is much, much worse then the actual ED.

[sun_flower969]

could be..i mean..would we wanna be treated that way?? NOPE

I know She is a great friend but the way she treats him... sometimes I am uncomfortable you know, like I want to go hide outside! I betcha it is psychological and that is what's causing all this! I really think they need counseling, to learn how to treat each other and fall in love again! I have no right to judge but I can see it falling apart. In fact I have been noticing for awhile.

[angelkisses98]

my hubby read this post..cuz hes always lurking and commenting to me on stuff.

he said if shes controlling like that..and there is an ED issue, or course hes gonna back away from her. he said either that or he has gone elsewhere, if you know what i mean

[angelkisses98]

my hubby read this post..cuz hes always lurking and commenting to me on stuff.

he said if shes controlling like that..and there is an ED issue, or course hes gonna back away from her. he said either that or he has gone elsewhere, if you know what i mean

[sun_flower969]

my hubby read this post..cuz hes always lurking and commenting to me on stuff.

he said if shes controlling like that..and there is an ED issue, or course hes gonna back away from her. he said either that or he has gone elsewhere, if you know what i mean

I am fairly certain that he has not but you never really know, do you... He is the most A-sexual guy I have ever met! On the surface they look like a perfect couple but in reality they both have issues! Their sex sessions last 20 min at the very most, she has told me "including cleanup" Geez what fun... I mean I enjoy the occasional quickie like the next girl but usually it is pretty hot and like, "I have to have you now", kind of a thing. This is their norm! I am trying so HARD not to judge but doesn't it seem like sex is some kind of chore here? How sad!

[Tyger]

I am fairly certain that he has not but you never really know, do you... He is the most A-sexual guy I have ever met! On the surface they look like a perfect couple but in reality they both have issues! Their sex sessions last 20 min at the very most, she has told me "including cleanup" Geez what fun... I mean I enjoy the occasional quickie like the next girl but usually it is pretty hot and like, "I have to have you now", kind of a thing. This is their norm! I am trying so HARD not to judge but doesn't it seem like sex is some kind of chore here? How sad!

I hafta agree with everyone else here. To me, it sounds as if he may have ED, which COULD be brought on by her over-controlling ways, long-term boring/routine sex, and his lack of really giving a shit anymore. I mean, why should he bother?

When couples project how PERFECT they are, there's usually some underlaying issues. Well, there are always problems in every relationship. However, the MORE perfect they try and come across, the deeper the issues run, I've found.

It's hard for a person to really find their OWN faults. As a perfectionist myself, I've been working on seeing myself, faults AND good points. I'm trying to work on both aspects, making them better. It's very hard to do!!! People can point out faults of someone's until the cows come home, however, until YOU see YOUR faults for yourself, there's nothing anyone else can do to help.

You're a good friend to try and find out stuff for her. It's sad that she probably wouldn't do that for herself. And, please don't confuse having an opinion of something with judging someone. EVERYONE has an opinion about stuff that they encounter. JUDGING is totally different.

I hope your friend can try and get help for her marriage. Best wishes!!

[pappyld04]

I am trying so HARD not to judge but doesn't it seem like sex is some kind of chore here? How sad!

I think you named it right there!

[sun_flower969]

It's hard for a person to really find their OWN faults. As a perfectionist myself, I've been working on seeing myself, faults AND good points. I'm trying to work on both aspects, making them better. It's very hard to do!!! People can point out faults of someone's until the cows come home, however, until YOU see YOUR faults for yourself, there's nothing anyone else can do to help.

OMG that is HER! Anytime she is criticized for anything... holy defensiveness! She is always explaining everything away. Everything is everyone else's fault not hers... WOW!

[DADT]

"On a side note, she is kind of controlling, a perfectionist and really wears the pants in the relationship, could this affect him as well?"

ARE YOU KIDDING! YES IT WILL AFFECT HIM! IT WOULDN'T AFFECT YOU?

He brings her to orgasm and then disengages? Nothing medically wrong? Then he's really mad at her, and its been built up over many years. Probably feeling dominated, emasculated, & frequently criticized for his many perceived faults. And if he were to express these feelings to her, would it lead to a heart-to-heart examination of their relationship? Or an angry outburst about how her needs are not being met? Am I warm? So what part of that is a turn on? Where is the incentive to reconnect?

If you really want to help her, tell her she should not be complaining to you, but really talking to her husband. He's checked out. If she wants him to check back in, then she'll need to be ready to hear things that she won't like.

Yes, they are going to need counseling. He probably stays because he loves his kids.

But perhaps I'm off base.

[sun_flower969]

"On a side note, she is kind of controlling, a perfectionist and really wears the pants in the relationship, could this affect him as well?"

ARE YOU KIDDING! YES IT WILL AFFECT HIM! IT WOULDN'T AFFECT YOU?

He brings her to orgasm and then disengages? Nothing medically wrong? Then he's really mad at her, and its been built up over many years. Probably feeling dominated, emasculated, & frequently criticized for his many perceived faults. And if he were to express these feelings to her, would it lead to a heart-to-heart examination of their relationship? Or an angry outburst about how her needs are not being met? Am I warm? So what part of that is a turn on? Where is the incentive to reconnect?

If you really want to help her, tell her she should not be complaining to you, but really talking to her husband. He's checked out. If she wants him to check back in, then she'll need to be ready to hear things that she won't like.

Yes, they are going to need counseling. He probably stays because he loves his kids.

But perhaps I'm off base.

Oh no you are right on target! Unfortunately this post is a bit old. Sadly she never did talk about any of it either. They are the absolute weirdest! They never talk about anything. Both avoid conflict and stuff their feelings. I completely agree and do think they need counseling. I have suggested they talk it out AND also brought up counseling. It just never happens... She will say "oh I'll just give it a week and see what happens" Not good!!! What can I do, it's her decision...

[sun_flower969]

"On a side note, she is kind of controlling, a perfectionist and really wears the pants in the relationship, could this affect him as well?"

ARE YOU KIDDING! YES IT WILL AFFECT HIM! IT WOULDN'T AFFECT YOU?

He brings her to orgasm and then disengages? Nothing medically wrong? Then he's really mad at her, and its been built up over many years. Probably feeling dominated, emasculated, & frequently criticized for his many perceived faults. And if he were to express these feelings to her, would it lead to a heart-to-heart examination of their relationship? Or an angry outburst about how her needs are not being met? Am I warm? So what part of that is a turn on? Where is the incentive to reconnect?

If you really want to help her, tell her she should not be complaining to you, but really talking to her husband. He's checked out. If she wants him to check back in, then she'll need to be ready to hear things that she won't like.

Yes, they are going to need counseling. He probably stays because he loves his kids.

But perhaps I'm off base.

Oh and welcome BTW!

[kisskat]

I think she needs to back off from her domineering ways. I think she has probably brought a lot of it unto heself. I know if I had ever treated my husband like that, he would not have stayed as long as he has...lol!! On the serious side it sounds like they shut each other out totally. She thinks it's all ok and he's to embarassed or indifferent to care. He my have physical problems but I believe it is more psychological then physical.

[KentJ]

I had lunch with my best friend today. We had been drifting apart lately and I was happy to spend time with my good friend! So we were talking and she tells me that she had a huge fight with her husband. So I asked her why. Guess why....

She asked him how often HE thinks they aught to be having sex!!!! Long story short she asked him all kinds of questions as to why they are not as active. Why does she go to bed 6 out of 7 nights all alone. Is he not attracted to her anymore etc. He said and I quote, "I just don't feel like it, I don't know what to tell you"... What causes this and how do you fix it??? I know they have a busy life, 2 kids and he has a stressful job. She is very active in their kids schools and in their community. It kind of blew me away to hear that a MAN is just not interested in sex!

In addition, she told me that at times when they are having sex, she will orgasm and then notice he stops. She will then ask him, "hey, did you finish"? He has told her, "Oh no I lost it" and he will not continue, he just loses his arousal and stops! I wonder if they need counseling! I know that if you have very infrequent sex that this can affect your libido but I don't get this! Does anyone? Please help me help my friend!!!

I already sent her Mikayla's article on sexual disconnection. On a side note, she is kind of controlling, a perfectionist and really wears the pants in the relationship, could this affect him as well?

Any input I will pass along.

Thanks!

If it is "unbalanced outside of the bedroom, then it will be so in the bedroom". Further, if she is so critical, and domineering through a "quick tongue", and he is a good guy who shys from confrontation, then the best way he has to control the situation is to "disengage".

As I saw stated here, they need to talk. They both need to reconnect with each other. They both need to feel "wanted" by each other; You can only fake sexual attraction but so far.

Finally, no man wants to "fight at home". A man especially, likes to feel that his home is a safe place where he can feel like "this is his space, and that the woman he loves and who loves him, "re-charge their batteries to face the world. It does not read like this is their relationship. Your friend had best be careful! Should a woman find your friend's husband and begin to inflate his ego, your friend could loose her husband.

They need to get help. They both need to want to get help.

Njoy