Members LostInKY Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I need advice on how to improve my sex life. I have an incredible fiance who I love very much and he loves me... blah blah blah.... I've always been a little timid in the bedroom. I had an abusive ex who kinda messed things up for me and now I need to get a move on and figure all this out. I know my fiance would like to be doing a lot more "fun" things in the bedroom, not sure what but the signs are there, but he doesn't say anything about so it never changes. He's a few years older than me and I know he's MUCH more experienced and that kind of, well no really intimidates me. Any time I do feel like something crazy I always hold back... I don't want to look like an idiot or completely suck at what ever it is so we just don't do anything new at all. So what do I do to get started and figure out what I should be doing to make things more fun???? How do I talk to him or get him to know that I would like to do more without going into a huge discussion and feeling completely embarrassed? He's not a big talker on anything emotional/important so it makes it even harder to talk about this. PLEASE HELP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 First welcome to the forum! Your lack of experience means nothing when you are willing to move past that. I would not venture a guess as to why you two are embarrassed to discuss this part of your lives. Do not allow your past to interfere with the present. This man is totally different from the last one. You owe it to yourself and to your new man to open yourself to new ideas and actions. IDK how you feel about counseling but with some people it can work wonders. Some people can move on without it and work harder to create the relationship they dream of! It is never easy but is well worth the effort. Take it in small steps. Talking with your partner is a large part of making things better. Is there something that you would like to try? Take the lead and say so! The more you hold back, the less you get in return! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LostInKY Posted November 11, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Thank you for the welcome... I really like this place and everyone is so nice to me. I know I can't let my past interfere with my present and that they are two VERY different people which is why I'm more thanw illing to make things work and even do most of the work to "fix things. But what do I say to him to get him to know what I'm thinking and that I am ok with new things with out us having to go into a huge discussion. I'm willing to try anything once and more if I enjoy it. I'm speechless when it comes to trying to find the words to say to him about it. I've been trying to work on it for a few weeks and haven't gotten anywhere, my mind just goes blank and I decide not to say anything at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I also went through an abusive past. I will tell you it takes times. Thankfully I met someone that was willing to help me work through it and was very patient. I told him in time everything that happened to me. I think your best is to talk to him and let him know that you would like to try new things, but also remind him and yourself you need to take it slow and see how you process it all. That was my hardest thing. I found it very easy to retreat into what we called my cave where I would completely shut down. With this he would try little things and build onward and upward with it. He also constantly made sure I was alright. The key is to take your time and slowly allow yourself to process it and enjoy these things again. I will say from my own experience do not just jump into it all quickly....take your time. If you want to talk further feel free to send me a message. I am not sure exactly what type of abuse you went through. Mine was with a partner that while doing bondage continued even after I was crying and in severe pain as well as telling him to stop. I ended up with a torn rotator cuff and the capsule that houses it. I had surgery as well as nightmares for close to a year after. I didn't talk about it to anyone until this past January. Before that only he (the asshole) and one other person knew. Now I have realized that in talking about it helps me as well as others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Just a short statement like "Honey, could we try something tonight" can open that door. It's great that you are willing to do most of the work but I would bet your partner would be more than willing to work just as hard. I know it's difficult at your age to see that talking about sex is hard but will do more good than harm. I think just by joining this forum you have made a very positive step and I think you will see things in a much different light after reading and corresponding with the many great people this board has! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LostInKY Posted November 11, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 For over 3 years it was just a completely abusive relationship during which I recieved countless bruises, black eyes and fat lips, a broken toe, broken rip, and fractured thumb and it ended up with the Jackass kneeing me in the face until he had broken 3 bones in the right side of my face, I had surgery and now have 2 metal plates and 4 screws in the right side of my face. You'd never guess from seeing me and I'm slowly working through it. I do the same thing you did, I close my self off about it and have my own little world. The broken face happened in Sep. 07 and I didn't leave the Jackass till April 20, 08. I just started having nightmares about it after the last court date about 2 months ago and it's not fair, I thought I was free of him completely. My fiance knows a good bit about what did happen to me but not all the details. The sexual abuse wasn't severe but it happened enough to effect me and when I really start to think about it and face the facts I know it does still interfere with my life in some ways, this being one. Anal is a completely terrifying thing for me because I've had 2 ex's that were completely obsessed with it and when they got the chance for it they wouldn't stop. I think in time I could try it again, but it still scares me and makes me nervous. I know my fiance is a very different guy then them, he is a true man but I still can't help being skeptical about it. I'm contemplating showing my fiance what I've written and what I've gotten in response to everything on here and see what he thinks about it. I love him to death it's just hard to talk to him sometimes because he's not very open emotionally, but maybe this could be a break through. I truly think he just believe that I don't want anything different, I would never complain because he is amazing in bed (I just want it to be equal for him, so he's just as happy, I really don't know how he feels about anything) but I know it would be good for both of us and our relationship to do more in the bedroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I totally understand what you mean. I didn't go through the extreme that you did, but I do understand the case and also working up to exploring new things. This site I will tell you has helped me so much as well as the great friends that I have made on it. Just take your time and take it one day at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LostInKY Posted November 11, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 What do you think about me showing him everything on here, do you think it would help or hurt? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 What do you think about me showing him everything on here, do you think it would help or hurt? I think it would help greatly to share this with him. Plus if he has any questions I am sure we wouldn't mind helping him with understanding all of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LostInKY Posted November 11, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Thank you so much for all your help. It's nice to talk to someone who can relate to my past first hand. I hate the sympathy I get from some ppl... "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor" <--- my grandma says that. He'll be home in a few hours and I'll talk to him then... Wish me luck and guts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Thank you so much for all your help. It's nice to talk to someone who can relate to my past first hand. I hate the sympathy I get from some ppl... "I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor" <--- my grandma says that. He'll be home in a few hours and I'll talk to him then... Wish me luck and guts Lots of luck sweetie. You won't need it....you will be fine. I agree with your grandma and feel the exact same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ToyQueen Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I agree with shortstuff 100%. We are all here for you, and will help in whatever way we can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted November 11, 2008 Review Team Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I am so very proud of you leaving your ex and for opening up about it. I know it can very hard to talk about such things but it does help.I agree with the advice you have been given here. Move slowly. You two have the rest of your lives to explore your sexual side. Don't rush into anything.I also think that communication is key. Talk to him, even if all he does is listen. Don't expect him to know and understand what you have not told him. If he is the kind of guy you say he is, he will understand and the two of you will work through it all.Good luck!And welcome to TT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 What do you think about me showing him everything on here, do you think it would help or hurt? That's exactly what I was going to suggest before I read this far. You will need to talk. I know it can be hard to talk about this stuff at first, but after you get over the initial awkwardness, it gets to be a lot of fun.Hope everything goes well for you. Let us know how things turn out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted November 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 Welcome! and ditto all those responses! Really the most important thing is to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members 12GAUGE Posted November 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2008 First welcome to the forum! Your lack of experience means nothing when you are willing to move past that. I would not venture a guess as to why you two are embarrassed to discuss this part of your lives. Do not allow your past to interfere with the present. This man is totally different from the last one. You owe it to yourself and to your new man to open yourself to new ideas and actions. IDK how you feel about counseling but with some people it can work wonders. Some people can move on without it and work harder to create the relationship they dream of! It is never easy but is well worth the effort. Take it in small steps. Talking with your partner is a large part of making things better. Is there something that you would like to try? Take the lead and say so! The more you hold back, the less you get in return!I TOTALLY AGREE WITH PAPPY. And Pappy continues to surprise me. After reading all of this I can see theres nothing I could add but perhaps one thing...and this is on personal reflection pretty weak. I would say visit an adult store in search of books of things you might want to try. If you find something after perusing it at home show it to your boyfriend and talk with him about it. I think Pappy and MsLayD have said it best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted November 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2008 What do you think about me showing him everything on here, do you think it would help or hurt? Welcome, nice to meet you.I think this is your best option; That way you open the door in a way that feels safe for you. I won't pretend to know what your past was like for you, never the less, It takes great strength to leave an abusive situation. Good for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LostInKY Posted November 12, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2008 Welcome, nice to meet you.I think this is your best option; That way you open the door in a way that feels safe for you. I won't pretend to know what your past was like for you, never the less, It takes great strength to leave an abusive situation. Good for you!Thank you, everyone here is so great!Last night after we started relaxing a showed him everything and he did pretty good. We're going to talk about it more after he gets home from work tonight. He said he wanted some time to think about it so he knew how to say the right things. He did say he was hurt by the fact that I had to wait as long as I did and then come on here before I talked to him so I tried to explain that it wasn't something he should be hurt by it was something I had to do not because I couldn't trust/talk to him about it but because I needed advice and help on the subject. I think he understands more now..THANK YOU TO EVERYONE on here, you're all great!!!!Oh my honey also asked me to thank you Shortstuff02 SO "THANKYOU" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted November 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2008 Thank you, everyone here is so great!Last night after we started relaxing a showed him everything and he did pretty good. We're going to talk about it more after he gets home from work tonight. He said he wanted some time to think about it so he knew how to say the right things. He did say he was hurt by the fact that I had to wait as long as I did and then come on here before I talked to him so I tried to explain that it wasn't something he should be hurt by it was something I had to do not because I couldn't trust/talk to him about it but because I needed advice and help on the subject. I think he understands more now..THANK YOU TO EVERYONE on here, you're all great!!!!Oh my honey also asked me to thank you Shortstuff02 SO "THANKYOU" You are very welcome sweetie and so is your other half. Just remind him that we all look for answers in our own way. It was nothing againnst him at all. This was your way of starting to explore breaking out of your cave so to say. I will tell you from experience this change will not happen over night but with patience you will get through it. If you need to talk any further you have my email and you now how to get in touch with me. I wish you the best with all of it and keep your chin up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ohshelly Posted November 12, 2008 Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2008 You have a good guy,there. I'm glad you two found each other. I am happy you shared with him. Once those lines of communication are opened,things can only get better. I share the boards with my guy, also. I know how hard it is to get started. I am with a wonderful manafter being in a long term marriage to a man who was pretty callous twards our children and I. Congratulations for finding the courage to move on and improve you life.I am happy you are in a healthy relationship with a good man, and youare looking for even more ways to enhance it. As others have said, take yourtime and keep the communication going. In my case, I know my S.O. sometimes held back introducing new things because he was trying to be respectful.When I was able to open up and talk to him, things changed for the better. I agree, the people here are teriffic!! I Love them all!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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