Vanilla Sex...help...she Wants Wilder...he, Not So Much....maybe?

[Shoop]

Ok, I have a friend with a question.

She's been dating this great guy who treats her SUPER for 8 months. They recently moved in together and she thinks that his "the guy" for her forever (she's 35, hasn't had many serious relationships, but she did have 1 that lasted 15 years+). K, he's told her that he has a less than pristine past, he's slept with strippers (he worked in a club) and hookers. He tells her he is NOT that many anymore. And he is sooo nice and treats her wonderfully.

Here's the thing. Their sex is VERY vanilla. She's not had an orgasm even once in 8 months. She's often the one initiating the sex. He keeps telling her how great he thinks the sex is, and she doesn't believe him because she doesn't think it's great, plus because of his past (bet he didn't have vanilla sex with the strippers, yk?) She's hoping that he's not seeing her through "pure" eyes and since he's doing his "new life" thing. See, my friend has quite a sexual past herself and she wants to be in love AND have a great, exciting sex life!

She's wondering why a man who clearly loves her doesn't want to be wild at all? For example, they've only had sex in their bed at their house (nowhere else), he knows that she's got a few toys but has expressed no interest in using them. She told him that she bought nipple clamps a MONTH ago, and he's not asked her to get them out at all (so she's not been able to use them). She's also told him that she'd do "anything" with him, "anything he wanted" so she thought he'd get the hint, but he doesn't.

She's doesn't want to bring it up with him, in the sense that every time she brings up his past he tells her that he is NOT that man anymore and why does she keep bringing it up? She worries that if he once wanted kinky sexy, that desire will come out in him again and maybe he'll go elsewhere because he's "painted" her with a "pure" brush if that makes sense...

She tried asking him what his fantasies are (she says she's been in more 3-somes than MOST people) BUT he pretty much shut down the talk and said he didn't have any. And he didn't ask her the same question...

Anyways, hope this wasn't too rambly....she says she'll stay with him no matter what because she loves him more than anyone else, ever....but she's hoping that she can fix this "rut" before it gets deeper since it's really quite a new relationship!

I guess her question is WHY would a man not want less vanilla sex if it was offered to him? She's concerned that her boyfriend may have the madonna/whore complex that my ex-h seemingly had!

[Anathema Device]

It totally sounds like a madonna/whore complex. I'm guessing that when he was having his "wild" sex, he didn't really care about the women at all. He possibly even did see them just as objects to be used, etc. He obviously doesn't see your friend like that - and so he has trouble with wanting "interesting sex from her, because he associates wanting that with not having any respect for the woman he's with.

As to how to "fix" it. I have no idea. He might be afraid that if he acts like that with her, that she'll think he has no respect for her - or that he'll lose respect for her? It sounds like he's not willing to talk about it, which makes it really difficult. Has she brought up the madonna/whore idea? Maybe not in those words, but from the respect angle?

It's a tough situation, but I'd want it addressed, too!

[sun_flower969]

Weird... I think I would be very curious about his past and why exactly he has had this shift. Communication is key IMO! they need to talk about it and come to common ground.

[Tyger]

It sounds like he's associated "wild" sex, with his past, like with strippers and hookers. Though, what he fails to connect with is that hookers get PAID to be as wild & kinky as their customers want/they feel comfortable with. Chances are, in RL, they're not like that at all. Strippers are women too, and some can be kinkier than others. My step-sister use to be a stripper, and one of her exes told me she was very boring in bed & he did all the work.

Anyway, it really does sound like your friend's BF sees her in a more meaningful way, like you said, "pure", however, he doesn't seem to even want to think that she wants to have a bit more Flavah in their sex life. If she does, then he may think that they don't have a long-lasting relationship, that it's just all about the sex, like his past flings.

I agree, talking/communication is key here. Of course, she's not setting up a Dominatrix's dungeon or anything, but she can bring the toy out (why should HE be the one to ask to bring it out, just DO it!), or TELL him to do something that she wants him to do. If she stays without trying to make things better, than she's just settling for less than she wants, and will probably grow to resent him. Tell her that she needs to insist on them talking about, making compromises, and try new things, since this is something she wants in her/their lives.

Best wishes!

[mystofpric]

I agree with the other ladies here, the wilder sex was with "wilder" women and he thinks too highly of her to "degrade" her like that. I also agree with tyger, she can always be the to put out a vibe or handcuffs or whatever. I do think that talking will help, but it seems like they do have good lines of communication so maybe actions will speak louder than words?

[chloegirl]

Here's another take on it.....Just because he's slept with hookers and strippers doesn't mean he WAS a wild man.....it's entirely possible that he just plain sucks in bed no matter who or how many he's been with! His history might look on the outside like he was the ultimate playboy, but I wonder what the hookers and strippers he's supposedly had have to say about his skills. There are guys (and women too I'm sure) who just never get past the stage of getting off as quick and easy as possible and they assume if they got off the other person is too....they never catch on to the concept of the more each gives, shares, and explores the better it gets for you both and it could be so much more gratifying. She needs to confront him about this for sure now before any more time goes by and see how he truly feels about the situation. If he thinks everything is fine the way it is and he won't even talk about his fantasies (that line about not having any is bull!) and he isn't willing to work on it she needs to hit the road a'running because I don't care how great he is in every other aspect of their life (unless maybe he's rich as Croesus!), she is NOT going to be happy as the years go by.

[mystofpric]

Here's another take on it.....Just because he's slept with hookers and strippers doesn't mean he WAS a wild man.....it's entirely possible that he just plain sucks in bed no matter who or how many he's been with! His history might look on the outside like he was the ultimate playboy, but I wonder what the hookers and strippers he's supposedly had have to say about his skills. There are guys (and women too I'm sure) who just never get past the stage of getting off as quick and easy as possible and they assume if they got off the other person is too....they never catch on to the concept of the more each gives, shares, and explores the better it gets for you both and it could be so much more gratifying. She needs to confront him about this for sure now before any more time goes by and see how he truly feels about the situation. If he thinks everything is fine the way it is and he won't even talk about his fantasies (that line about not having any is bull!) and he isn't willing to work on it she needs to hit the road a'running because I don't care how great he is in every other aspect of their life (unless maybe he's rich as Croesus!), she is NOT going to be happy as the years go by.

touche

[DADT]

She should just say what she wants him to do while they are having sex. When he does it good, give lots of encouragement. When he isn't redirect him. Don't even talk about no vanilla, just wild. Just teach him what she likes. Basic retraining.

[synirr]

She should just say what she wants him to do while they are having sex. When he does it good, give lots of encouragement. When he isn't redirect him. Don't even talk about no vanilla, just wild. Just teach him what she likes. Basic retraining.

I'd agree with that.

Hell, with my guy, we used to be "adventurous" more frequently. We were always trying to think of things we hadn't tried that would be fun and exciting. Now that we've gotten more accustomed to one-another, we have fantastic sex no matter what we do, so a lot of times we get lazy about it and have vanilla sex just because it's easy and we don't have to come up with any ideas. If he thinks the sex is great already, he may not necessarily be inspired to initiate anything more wild. I say she should sit him down and talk to him about it... don't make it about him, just tell him that she wants to spice things up. Get her to initiate something kinky instead of dropping hints and hoping he'll take the lead. Chances are, once things get started, he'll enjoy the experience

[DADT]

Forgot to ask. What does she mean by wild? A little BDSM? Side order of anal? Playing acting seeing teacher after class? Or does she just want him to get in tune with her body? If she doesn't tell him how can he fix.

[Shoop]

Here's another take on it.....Just because he's slept with hookers and strippers doesn't mean he WAS a wild man.....it's entirely possible that he just plain sucks in bed no matter who or how many he's been with! His history might look on the outside like he was the ultimate playboy, but I wonder what the hookers and strippers he's supposedly had have to say about his skills. There are guys (and women too I'm sure) who just never get past the stage of getting off as quick and easy as possible and they assume if they got off the other person is too....they never catch on to the concept of the more each gives, shares, and explores the better it gets for you both and it could be so much more gratifying. She needs to confront him about this for sure now before any more time goes by and see how he truly feels about the situation. If he thinks everything is fine the way it is and he won't even talk about his fantasies (that line about not having any is bull!) and he isn't willing to work on it she needs to hit the road a'running because I don't care how great he is in every other aspect of their life (unless maybe he's rich as Croesus!), she is NOT going to be happy as the years go by.

funny you say that because that is what another (male) friend said.

Well, she told me the other day that she's stick with him no matter what, even if the sex isn't great. However, her mind might change...

And they are not using protection and are 'actively' trying to have a baby.

[Shoop]

Forgot to ask. What does she mean by wild? A little BDSM? Side order of anal? Playing acting seeing teacher after class? Or does she just want him to get in tune with her body? If she doesn't tell him how can he fix.

different positions would be huge..of course has a penis kink...ever heard of that? Meaning it is hard but near the base if she moves a certain way it "breaks" and slides out (like bends out). So he says he can't DO certain positions.

SHE introduced him to anal, he was wayyyy against it but he did it and like it the one time they did it.

I think she wants him to initiate more. She always initiates.

Um...she wants to use toys...

[mystofpric]

And they are not using protection and are 'actively' trying to have a baby.

DING DING DING!!!! It sounds like this may have a LOT to do with it. I don't know how old thier relationship its (io'm assuming it's established) and so he might just be getting out of the "oh god i can't scare her off" sexual phase and suddenly he's in the "making a baby" kind of sex

[Shoop]

DING DING DING!!!! It sounds like this may have a LOT to do with it. I don't know how old thier relationship its (io'm assuming it's established) and so he might just be getting out of the "oh god i can't scare her off" sexual phase and suddenly he's in the "making a baby" kind of sex

ha, good theory, although I don't think in this case it's right. They've only been together 8 months (living together for two) and the sex has been the SAME the entire time...

[synirr]

Only been together 8 months and already trying to have a baby? That seems unwise....

Hell, I'm not sure I'd even consider marriage until I'd been with someone at least 2 years, and technically there's a way out of that if things don't work out. A child is forever.

[mystofpric]

ha, good theory, although I don't think in this case it's right. They've only been together 8 months (living together for two) and the sex has been the SAME the entire time...

No, actually this can still be the case. IF his "early sex/pre baby attempts" were very plain and simple he could have been afraid to scare her off by being to wild. Then only 8 months in, tey decide to have a child, well now he could be thinking that it needs to be simple basic sex (like they have beeen having) to ensure that they have the best chances of conception ie: no wasted swimmers and the best positions (missionary and maybe doggy) to get the guys on there way, I say best cause they're both fairly downward positions from him to her and prehaps he's thinking gravity will give his guys an edge.

I agree with Syn though, maybe 8 months is too soon? No, it is too soon, cause if she is thinking that she might be able to bail over bad, nay, mediocore sex, then what's she's gonna do when a baby is there?

[synirr]

Hell, at 8 months the infatuation stage is still going strong... evolutionarily we are pair-bonding, but really only for a single breeding season. Our bodies are hardwired to produce those feel-good hormones when we first enter a relationship... you know, the ones that make you feel like all is right with the world and your significant other has no faults and is definitely The One. After a year or so, when you'd have had time to mate, carry a child, and care for it as a couple for the first few months of its life, those hormones start to slack off. Ever wonder why a lot of relationships start to go downhill after the first year? That's why.

It's really unwise to make any solid future plans so early in a relationship, IMO... no matter what you think you know about the situation, you don't have much control over your body, and your opinion can completely change once your hormonal high wears off.

[Shoop]

Only been together 8 months and already trying to have a baby? That seems unwise....

Hell, I'm not sure I'd even consider marriage until I'd been with someone at least 2 years, and technically there's a way out of that if things don't work out. A child is forever.

I hear ya. However she's 35 and is in love with him and I think she figures that it's her chance to have a baby. Plus she really does love him....

[Shoop]

Hell, at 8 months the infatuation stage is still going strong... evolutionarily we are pair-bonding, but really only for a single breeding season. Our bodies are hardwired to produce those feel-good hormones when we first enter a relationship... you know, the ones that make you feel like all is right with the world and your significant other has no faults and is definitely The One. After a year or so, when you'd have had time to mate, carry a child, and care for it as a couple for the first few months of its life, those hormones start to slack off. Ever wonder why a lot of relationships start to go downhill after the first year? That's why.

It's really unwise to make any solid future plans so early in a relationship, IMO... no matter what you think you know about the situation, you don't have much control over your body, and your opinion can completely change once your hormonal high wears off.

I know...I know...but it's her life...I hope it lasts for them, he is a really nice guy....and good to her...

[panab]

Why doesn't she just take real initiative? Like for instance, she bought the clamps, but instead of just mentioning them, why doesn't she just take them out and use them? It's not like she need his approval.

I mean, of course, it's nicer to have him WANT something more wild, but sometimes you have to get the ball rolling yourself before you can ask someone else to join in.

[Shoop]

Why doesn't she just take real initiative? Like for instance, she bought the clamps, but instead of just mentioning them, why doesn't she just take them out and use them? It's not like she need his approval.

I mean, of course, it's nicer to have him WANT something more wild, but sometimes you have to get the ball rolling yourself before you can ask someone else to join in.

good question...I asked her that but I forget her response,except for the part where she said she didn't want to do that..I forget why...but she's not shy...