Settling For Less

[synirr]

I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and honestly, I just don't understand why people are willing to settle for less than they deserve in a relationship. It seems to happen a lot with women in particular, and I don't care who you are or what you've done, nobody deserves to be disrespected, talked down to, made to feel inferior, or abused. Never. I don't know what people are being taught (or not taught) about relationship dynamics, but that is never ok. The person you're with should lift you up and make you feel desirable and worthy of love, not like you should stay with them because they're the only person who could ever love you.

My self-esteem took a dive for a while and I was with someone I shouldn't have wasted my time with. He was ok, but it became apparent that he didn't care about me personally, only about being in a relationship with someone, and he was constantly disrespecting me... just small things like never paying me back money he owed me, etc. Finally we had a fight and his true colors came out, he started calling me all kinds of names and thought that buying me a $20 bouquet the next day was going to make it all better. I know I'm better than that and I kicked him to the side, but the scary thing is, I almost missed out on my current relationship because of it. My boyfriend is the most wonderful person I've ever met, and if I had stayed with the loser any longer I might never have gotten to know him, or gotten the chance to be with him.

The point is, never settle for less. No matter what, there's someone out there who will treat you with the love a respect that every single decent human being on earth deserves, and much more. Don't waste your time with less.

[pappyld04]

Very valid point! I can only disagree with the money part. I have never put a peny across the table that was requested back. If it was given back that's fine but I've never called it a loan!

[sun_flower969]

The point is, never settle for less. No matter what, there's someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect that every single decent human being on earth deserves, and much more. Don't waste your time with less.

Abso-fucking-lutely!!!

[synirr]

Iha, I know you are all too aware of the sacrifices you are making out of love; you do so knowingly and willingly, and if that's your choice then so be it. It's true that every relationship has some rough spots, and maybe it's different for you being a man of faith, but as for me, I'm going to be counting on the love my partner and I share to help us through those rough patches... I don't have any faith in a higher power to fall back on and neither does he, so we have to support one-another. For me a relationship is only between the two people involved, and without God's help it's going to take both of us to make it work. I'm sure other people operate under different circumstances, and I respect that choice even if I don't necessarily agree with it, but of course this wasn't written for those who consciously make that sacrifice anyway.

[Mikayla1]

I have to mirror Synirr's sentiments here. Iha, you are so strong and grounded, every faithful, ever hopeful. Giving until you almost can give no more...then giving some more. I think that while it is definitely true that love is about what you give, it also HAS to be about mutuality. If you are always giving of yourself, and not getting the same nurturing and secure responses from your partner, then I submit you loose a bit of yourself and that person takes it away, even if unwittingly and unknowlingly.

There HAS to be a breaking point. There has to be a time when we say 'enough' and search out healthy people for ourselves. There has to be a point when you admit that the other person doesn't truly love you, because if that person did, they would NEVER do any of the things that make us doubt it.

God is a forgiving and understanding being if you choose to believe - and God may sanction 'till death do you part' but I think that if you are 'dying' in your relationship, loosing yourself, loosing your soul, then he would certainly understand you saving yourself from a premature soulful death.

[Amylynn920]

Martrying yourself will not bring you happiness. You are wasting precious time when you could be with someone loving, sexual and caring. Sorry but that's just how I feel. You deserve much more.

[sun_flower969]

Sometimes people settle for less because they have such low self esteem. They think they can't do any better so they take the abuse, neglect and all the bullshit their SO dishes out and continue on living in denial, miserable for their whole life! So sad... Been there, all done with that!

Then again maybe some just love their other so much, that they are holding on to the hopes that someday things will change. Keeping their fingers crossed so to speak...

[shyla]

in my humble opinion people settle for less, as you said especially women, because of self-esteem issues and that they don't feel they deserve more. society and the media also feed this. as two of my fav book quites put it brilliantly,

"i guess if someone spends enough time telling you you're nothing, somewhere along he line you begin to believe it." --sarah mccarty

and once the mind is set in a pattern it is very hard to break it and you lose relationships due to the others frustration with constantly trying to build you up (i should know)

"as many times as i told her she was beautiful, i know that she never believed me. as many times as i said it didn't matter (her weight), i knew to her it did. i was just one voice, and the world's voice was louder." -jennifer weiner Good in Bed

shyla

[sun_flower969]

"as many times as i told her she was beautiful, i know that she never believed me. as many times as i said it didn't matter (her weight), i knew to her it did. i was just one voice, and the world's voice was louder." -jennifer weiner Good in Bed

shyla

THAT is spot on!

[vanilla_bean]

"as many times as i told her she was beautiful, i know that she never believed me. as many times as i said it didn't matter (her weight), i knew to her it did. i was just one voice, and the world's voice was louder." -jennifer weiner Good in Bed

shyla

So true!!!

I think people settle for the reasons listed and also because we sometimes think that if we just do everything right, the other person will change.

[chloegirl]

There are also situations where there is no actual abuse. The other person is not mean, out-rightly belittling, or anything else like that. You know that they do love you as much as they are able to love but for whatever reason they are unable to express that love with any real passion, desire or physical fire. Your life is not neccesarily "bad" enough to warrant leaving and living alone yet you are settling for less than you want or need because basically you are living without those needs of yours being met. In a new relationship my advice would be to get out and find one that fulfills all those needs, but when a big chunk of your life has already gone by like that it's not such an easy decision to make unless you already have something or someone better waiting in the wings.

[ladylove]

"as many times as i told her she was beautiful, i know that she never believed me. as many times as i said it didn't matter (her weight), i knew to her it did. i was just one voice, and the world's voice was louder." -jennifer weiner Good in Bed

shyla

So true!!!

I think people settle for the reasons listed and also because we sometimes think that if we just do everything right, the other person will change.

I agree. Great book, I read it when it first came out looong time ago.

[mtngal]

Chloegirl. AMEN. Hubby fits the bill. Additionally, It's really not about me anymore. I've got two wee ones. While I do worry about what I may be modeling as far as a relationship, I do believe they deserve two parents. I would gladly trade anything for those lads.

I miss sex desperately and achingly, but i love my lads more.

[ladylove]

Chloegirl. AMEN. Hubby fits the bill. Additionally, It's really not about me anymore. I've got two wee ones. While I do worry about what I may be modeling as far as a relationship, I do believe they deserve two parents. I would gladly trade anything for those lads.

I miss sex desperately and achingly, but i love my lads more.

Happy Mom = Happy home. You can have it all.

Have you tried figuring out the problem, and working on it, or are you just done?

Fortunately or unfortunately kids will use what they see as a model, not what you tell them.

[sass]

There HAS to be a breaking point. There has to be a time when we say 'enough' and search out healthy people for ourselves. There has to be a point when you admit that the other person doesn't truly love you, because if that person did, they would NEVER do any of the things that make us doubt it.

Mikayla, you have said a lot of great things, but this one maybe my favorite. I think you are spot-on.

I also think that sometimes people become so complacent in their relationship and daily lives, they “forget” about some of the things that matter most. They may not truly know how unhappy the other person has become. I saw this recently with a very good friend of mine. He thought his SO knew how unhappy he was, but until he said the words, “I am leaving,” she really did not know. Now they are working on things and their future is looking much better. I am so proud of him for getting to the point with her that she needed to have her eyes opened. Would he have really left? I don’t know, but I think so. I think he was that unhappy, but now they are growing together again.

People are so darn complicated, put two of us together (or more with kids) and how can it be anything but a mess if we don’t work on it? We all change over the years. Many on here have commented about how much they have changed just in the past few months, how can we complacent with our relationships (spouses, children, siblings, parents, etc.) and expect things to just be OK?

Sorry, didn’t mean to sort of rant there, but I have many good friends in situations where they are not being totally fulfilled and it hurts me to see them hurting. I just wished we could all be happy … and have the wherewithal/strength/nerve/etc. to do what we need to do to be happy.

[mtngal]

I really want to believe you Ladylove. Couples counseling, individual counseling.....been there. I am absolutely aware that I can't model a fake happy relationship. What I hope to be modeling is what to do in a damn difficult situation and still keep a chin up. I'm a "practice random acts of kindness" sort of gal. A far as my spouse? emotionally I'm just done....so very done. I have tears even typing it. it's sad.

[ladylove]

I really want to believe you Ladylove. Couples counseling, individual counseling.....been there. I am absolutely aware that I can't model a fake happy relationship. I hope to be modeling is what to do in a damn difficult situation and still keep a chin up. I'm a "practice random thoughts of kindness" sort of gal. A far as my spouse? emotionally I'm just done....so very done. I have tears even typing it. it's sad.

I'm so sorry mtngal. Your probably going to go through hell before you can come out the other side to happiness. Just remember, you and your children are worth the fight.

This is going to sound like crap..... but if you can find 1 thing each day that brings you happiness or joy it will help. It really does. Good luck honey.

[mystofpric]

I really want to believe you Ladylove. Couples counseling, individual counseling.....been there. I am absolutely aware that I can't model a fake happy relationship. I hope to be modeling is what to do in a damn difficult situation and still keep a chin up. I'm a "practice random acts of kindness" sort of gal. A far as my spouse? emotionally I'm just done....so very done. I have tears even typing it. it's sad.

How old are the little ones? I agree with absolutely everyone here that you deserve absolute mind-blowing heart aching happiness. but as a child of divorce (multiple in fact) if the two of you aren't arguing all the time then maybe saying together, for now, isn't a terrible thing. You can become friends again, espeically if you both agree that the marriage is truly beyond saving. And when your young ones are a little older and you can explain it to them better then a spilt might feel like an option for you. because Mom spilt from my step dad (hubby #3) violently and without any real warning to us kids, one day they just started fighting and within weeks it was over and he was moving out. she couldn't and didn't explain it well to us.

Now as far as settling for less. It's a wickedly easy thing to do. I've now been single for 6 years, with one boyfriend in the bag. before him I never once turned a head. And since then I haven't turned many openly any way. Imagine how easy it must be for me to swoon and gush the first time a guy is nice? It's more than a simple matter of self-esteem. It's a matter of being lonely. Why should I keep waiting and keeping dreaming of Mr. Right when I could be finding out who I am when I'm with someone? Is it truly best for me not to settle on a guy for now and at least grow from it?

[mtngal]

The boys are six and four. I've been as honest as I can with him. We've both really hurt one another in so many ways. I would give it go again, but he uses past hurts as a reason to be physically distant. He lays the blame at my feet. I can't do the work of two. trying and being refused makes a gal feel ugly--which, by the way, I'm not. I do turn heads.

It's very sad to watch this thing we had die so slowly. I can't take the refusal anymore. it defeats me.

I don't feel like I would jump on anyone who was kind, I have the fortune of being surrounded by kindness in many ways. I frankly need, want, yearn for sex. I don't want another relationship. I'm just really frustrated feeling this way in a marriage--cause it isn't fair to step out--unless it's agreed upon. Shit. I can't explain it. Can a marriage survive this?

Anonymity is a blessing here, cause this heart isn't often worn on a sleeve.

fuck.

[ladylove]

The boys are six and four. I've been as honest as I can with him. We've both really hurt one another in so many ways. I would give it go again, but he uses past hurts as a reason to be physically distant. He lays the blame at my feet. I can't do the work of two. trying and being refused makes a gal feel ugly--which, by the way, I'm not. I do turn heads.

It's very sad to watch this thing we had die so slowly. I can't take the refusal anymore. it defeats me.

I don't feel like I would jump on anyone who was kind, I have the fortune of being surrounded by kindness in many ways. I frankly need, want, yearn for sex. I don't want another relationship. I'm just really frustrated feeling this way in a marriage--cause it isn't fair to step out--unless it's agreed upon. Shit. I can't explain it. Can a marriage survive this?

Anonymity is a blessing here, cause this heart isn't often worn on a sleeve.

fuck.

I believe, It can only have a shot if both of you agree to jump in and try. That being said, don't leave (emotionally or physically) until you feel absolutely sure.

I'm truly sorry for your situation.

[mtngal]

Thanks for all the empathy and input. i realize I emotionally left this marriage some time ago. It came specifically after some months of "trying" only to be told I never try. I shut it down then and there and have been lying to myself ever since. i am really angry.

[sun_flower969]

Thanks for all the empathy and input. i realize I emotionally left this marriage some time ago. It came specifically after some months of "trying" only to be told I never try. I shut it down then and there and have been lying to myself ever since. i am really angry.

I'm so sorry I don't know what else to add except we are here for you... ((hugs))

[Amylynn920]

Thanks for all the empathy and input. i realize I emotionally left this marriage some time ago. It came specifically after some months of "trying" only to be told I never try. I shut it down then and there and have been lying to myself ever since. i am really angry.

If you have emotionally left it, and your s/o is not willing to work toward making it better, then imo there is nothing there but a shell. A facade. And there are worse things than being divorced or staying together just for the sake of the kids. Really think on why you are still there.

You deserve happiness and fulfillment, including sexual happiness. I wish you the very best.

[mtngal]

So true it was a shell. I have received a lot of good input and advice from folks here, as well as, some friends here at home. I actually spent my first evening out, like out with my friends, in seven years, last Saturday. It was an eye opener. Several of the things I have heard here were echoed in person. What I thought was admirable action to stay for the kids was really just naive and chicken on my part. I know I have a role to play in this, but I feel intensely angry. I guess that will run its course, but it feels bottomless at the moment.

I have no idea where to go from here. Thanks for the best wishes. i owe the lot of you for your kindness.

cheers

[Amylynn920]

Change is scary. So isn't standing up for what you need, or what you believe in all by yourself. But look at it this way. in the end all you have is you. Wherever you go, there you are. You can only give so much of yourself before that wears thin. Baby steps if need be. But your happiness is important. You have value. And no one can take that from you.