Numb

[lil_librarian]

A brief blurb about my past relationship: I was married to a man who took great joy in abusing me in every way imaginable. After I literally escaped, I spent a great deal of time unable to look men in the eye and accept the causual touch of adult male family members like my Dad and my brothers. It took awhile, but I stopped feeling like that, although I still struggle with eye contact.

I've never had a sexual relationship with someone that I was not married to. I have also never really dated, so I find this new world I am in intimidating. I ask myself, How in the world do I have a sexual relationship with someone that I have no committed relationship with?

Fast forward to tonight: I've been out about 3 times with a really nice guy. Treats me like a lady, is really "into me". I enjoy his company, I enjoy exploring my sexual side with him. I like him as a person but can not see it becoming anything more than a friendship. He knows that I feel that way too. He also knows about my past. He knows how to arouse me sexually but I am not extremely sexually attracted to him. ( If that makes sense) The foreplay is outstanding between us. So tonight we had sex, and it was not great. He wants a repeat performance, I can't imagine repeating it. Although, I am glad that I am not crying and upset over the whole thing, I feel strangely numb. We had spent the whole evening together and once he finished, I just wanted him gone so I could shower. I gave an Oscar worthy performance though, so as not to hurt his feelings.

Maybe I am not cut out for sex unless I am "in love" with someone. Maybe I am completely broken and doomed to a life of orgasming via toys.

I realize that none of you can magically fix this for me, but if someone has some sage advice, bring it on.

[admiraltolokus]

The first sexual experience with him... well maybe some more dating is needed? Some more discussion of what you and him think would make the sexual experience better! ; 'exploration and foreplay is great with him, but the nitty gritty wasn't cutting it this night,' not sure how the sex can't measure up to the foreplay in this case although the proof must have been in the pudding, but I am in no real position to post anything sage-like with my mind stuck on food.

for if it doesn't work out with him-

Unfortunately I have no real effective advice, other than that we are all different, and there is always another person out there, opportunity has its way of showing itself when we least expect it, and sadly even when we need it least at other times. Only thing I can present is a case such as the city in which I live in Lawton, Oklahoma. We are a military city, out of our population (dating availability population!) that is of age, men outnumber women by large, perhaps it could be said that a larger sea would help in your case? More opportunity certainly to find someone who would be awesome for you! Although many can't simply uproot and move to somewhere where there exists ample opportunities. But still think positively! That is the one word I can not stress enough no matter how ridiculous anything else I say sounds.

[ladylove]

First you've come a long way lil, don't discount that.

You may need to feel more than friendship towards someone to feel good about sleeping with them. That's ok. There is nothing in the word wrong with that. He knew how to excite you because he's experienced, and paid attention to what was working for you, this is not a great mystery.

It sounds like it was the firs time some one showed tenderness and affection sexually towards you, and your body responded to that. After what you've been through, that's great! You also found out you are more interested in having an emotional connection with someone in order to feel good about having sex with them, again that's fine. The reason you felt like you needed to take a shower, is because subconsciously you felt it was wrong. You discovered some very important things about your self form this one experience.

OK..... What does concern me is your "Oscar winning Performance" so to speak. You shouldn't fake it just because your worried about hurting someone's feelings or ever. Who knows he may have worked even harder to get you there or if it just wasn't going to happen, so be it. Find yourself a man who excites you physically and emotionally who you like more than a friend. Guarantee you will feel differently about the whole experience.

[sun_flower969]

Hmmmm I know what you are saying he can turn you on sexually but the spark is maybe absent... I think maybe wait a little longer next time before having sex. You said you had 3 dates. Not that I think thats CRAZY or anything! Hell Some people go for it on the first date! But if you aren't sure then you should wait 'til you are. I know for me it is hard to separate sex and love. I can't really do the whole casual thing I get too emotionally attached. If the spark is absent, like your situation, I have continued, trying not to hurt the dude's feelings etc. It just makes things worse the longer you go knowing it just isn't there.

Keep looking I say! you'll find him!

[Mikayla1]

Let me begin by saying how sorry I am that you had this horrible experience with your ex! It sounds like you saved yourself for marriage and that your ex abused that liberty and made it a horrible experience for you to have waited for him. No one deserves to be abused in any way.

However, I can tell from your post that you have a sound head on your shoulders. You sound very sure of what you want - and don't want - and you are aware of your issues concerning men. You are lightyears ahead of many women who have been abused! So for that, I commend you and suggest you keep on with your healing process, whatever it is.

Let me ask you this, this man who you have been seeing - foreplay is excellent, but acutal sex was not? I find this interesting, because for many women foreplay is the issue. Lack of arousal or ability to connect enough or relax enough to become aroused. You suggest that arousal is not a problem - but you are not sexually attracted to him. This indicates to me a disconnection. You allow yourself to experience the pleasure of the moment (during foreplay) but not the connection TO the person. Does that sound accurate?

There is nothing wrong with waiting for marriage to have sex - or love - but as you found out, you can have much in common with a partner, good friendship, etc, and not have good sex. Sex is an integral part of a relationship, and bad sex can sometimes not be overcome. Also, as already pointed out, faking anything during sex is a waste of energy. You cheat yourself and him. It is not worth it to fake an orgasm or anything else, we live but once on this earth, so why fake anything?

My suggestion to you is to keep looking for the man whom you seek. If a man is a good friend, nice guy - be friends with him - but search for the 'everything' man. Try to find the happiness you deserve. In the meantime, the toys can give you the release you need - so keep using them and learning what you want or need. However, I think you need to find a way to let a man 'into' yourself in an intimate way - not sex - just let him have some trust. I know how hard that will be, but until you start thinking you can find it, it may not come to you.

You will find that special someone at some point. Try to make yourself as prepared for it as you can. As for this guy, you have to decide what made it so awkward? If there was no connection, then hey, move on. If there was, but sex was awkward, you may be able to fix it. Only you know for sure!

[DADT]

A brief blurb about my past relationship: I was married to a man who took great joy in abusing me in every way imaginable. After I literally escaped, I spent a great deal of time unable to look men in the eye and accept the causual touch of adult male family members like my Dad and my brothers. It took awhile, but I stopped feeling like that, although I still struggle with eye contact.

I've never had a sexual relationship with someone that I was not married to. I have also never really dated, so I find this new world I am in intimidating. I ask myself, How in the world do I have a sexual relationship with someone that I have no committed relationship with?

Fast forward to tonight: I've been out about 3 times with a really nice guy. Treats me like a lady, is really "into me". I enjoy his company, I enjoy exploring my sexual side with him. I like him as a person but can not see it becoming anything more than a friendship. He knows that I feel that way too. He also knows about my past. He knows how to arouse me sexually but I am not extremely sexually attracted to him. ( If that makes sense) The foreplay is outstanding between us. So tonight we had sex, and it was not great. He wants a repeat performance, I can't imagine repeating it. Although, I am glad that I am not crying and upset over the whole thing, I feel strangely numb. We had spent the whole evening together and once he finished, I just wanted him gone so I could shower. I gave an Oscar worthy performance though, so as not to hurt his feelings.

Maybe I am not cut out for sex unless I am "in love" with someone. Maybe I am completely broken and doomed to a life of orgasming via toys.

I realize that none of you can magically fix this for me, but if someone has some sage advice, bring it on.

Hi Libby:

You are OK. You got out of a dreadful marriage. That's good. But you feel a bit out of your element now. What are you to do about all this? Do you trust your feelings? Guess what? That's about how you should feel. Don't question your feelings. Just accept them. You feel the way you feel. That is just fine. You will find love when you are ready to. Sounds like you are not there yet. That's OK. You tried connecting with someone and it wasn't altogether fabulous. It happens. He's a nice guy. He treated you nicely. It was really sexually arousing to know someone wanted to get you aroused. We all like that. But you aren't really sexually attracted to him. Nice is not enough. Its not his fault. Its not your fault. You are not unique. But you are fine.

Please do not fake sexual pleasure. My reason for advising this differs a bit. For your own sake, don't take on the burden of sparing the other person's feelings. You are not responsible for taking care of his ego. You have enough to cope with. If the sex is not satisfying for whatever reason, it is OK to say "sorry I need to stop." Sure he won't be psyched, but he will get over it, and you need to take care of you.

You won't always feel like this. As your feelings become less and less raw, you will feel more and more attractive. And most likely, you will become attractive to the sort of man that you can not only be friends with, but also stirs that sexual passion that all human beings crave.

Make sense? Helpful?

Take care. It safe to share here. There are a ton of people here who get it. And I mean all it.

[sass]

I am so proud of you for getting out of the marriage you were in. If you have not taken the time to give yourself an internal "high five," please do so.

I don't know that I can offer much advise but I can tell you that you are not alone in how you feel. The first time I was with a man after a period of celibacy (which followed a bad relationship) I felt the same way - I just wanted to shower and curl up in the fetal position and sleep. I don't know why I felt that way. The guy was wonderful, probably the best man I ever dated, but it just wasn't right.

However, all that is history for me now. The next man I was with really helped me to open up and love sex. I don't think anything is "wrong" with you, you just need some time and the right guy. Don't give up.

[lil_librarian]

GRRRR.....all this time I could READ what everyong posted just not repsond...internet issues. So I am responding to everyone collectively, sorry in advance if the thoughts are jumbled.

Thank you all for responding! I definately learned that I can not have sex with someone that I do not have deeper feelings for, my brain is just not wired for that. I did completely disconnect though, I was not even in the moment, even though moments before the foreplay had me humming. Was it just him? Would this happen with someone I really cared for deeply? I have no idea, I guess I will have to wait and see. I would not say he was experienced because I had to instructed him on what felt right during foreplay and it was some basic stuff. That being said there was no way he would have known whether I faked an orgasm or not. That was NOT what I faked, I faked that I was ok after ward. I would say that even after another 20 dates with this guy, I am going to react the same. And I know that I can not mentally experience what I felt that night again. About mid day the next day, the numbness wore off and I felt really lousy. I had the ultimate joy ( I jest ) of giving the " It's not You, It's Me" speech, because he was already planning for the next night of fun. I read all of these posts and cried. The crying felt pretty good though. If nothing else it was very helpful to share with someone what happened. For me it is not particularly easy to expose my fears and concerns about sex and how that affects my relationships.

I liken everyday as a survivor of abuse as a dance, some days a waltz thru it gracefully, others I stumble thru. Thanks for the great comments..it really helped!

[Amylynn920]

I'll keep my response short since everyone before me gave you excellent thoughts and advice.

There is nothing wrong with you for not connecting. You don't know how yet. You had a bad marriage and a date. You haven't yet experienced the joy of a normal good relationship and trust me they are out there.

I know for me I can't have sex with someone unless I am in love with them. That would probably account for my extremely short list of lovers. My best sex is with GSK, now. My worst was with my ex. I couldn't respect the ex let alone stomach sex with him.

And there is nothing wrong with being honest afterward. No one learns by not being truthful to their partner. I still have moments where I was not satisfied during sex, and just afterward say "I need more" and he does what ever it is I need to make it good for me.

You will find that happiness and fulfillment, just keep dating and it's fine to say "I'm not ready" when it comes to sex.

((hugs)) for the bad times.

[lil_librarian]

I can not tell you how great is feels to know that I am not the only one out there that can not do the casual sex thing. ((hugs)) back at you Aiden

[Amylynn920]

I can not tell you how great is feels to know that I am not the only one out there that can not do the casual sex thing. ((hugs)) back at you Aiden

I don't understand the people that can do casual sex, it would leave me so empty inside. But everyone's different.

[Smile4Me]

I have to agree with both of you. Casual sex is not for the faint of heart. I don't understand what happened tho Lil lib, why was the sex so terrible? Is it because you couldn't see yourself with the guy in a relationship? Just curious!! Maybe I missed something .....

[lil_librarian]

I have to agree with both of you. Casual sex is not for the faint of heart. I don't understand what happened tho Lil lib, why was the sex so terrible? Is it because you couldn't see yourself with the guy in a relationship? Just curious!! Maybe I missed something .....

I really have no idea. There's nothing wrong with him, he's good looking, smart, and funny, and looks pretty impressive in his Sheriff's Deputy uniform. By all counts I should be gobbling him up. I enjoy spending time with him, but know that it won't be anything more than close friends. To his credit, he was very understanding and supportive and took me to lunch over the weekend. The experience hurt like hell for a couple of days, but it was a lesson I needed to learn about myself.

[ladylove]

I really have no idea. There's nothing wrong with him, he's good looking, smart, and funny, and looks pretty impressive in his Sheriff's Deputy uniform. By all counts I should be gobbling him up. I enjoy spending time with him, but know that it won't be anything more than close friends. To his credit, he was very understanding and supportive and took me to lunch over the weekend. The experience hurt like hell for a couple of days, but it was a lesson I needed to learn about myself.

Also, even though you may want something, you may not be ready for it yet. Just a thought.

[lil_librarian]

Also, even though you may want something, you may not be ready for it yet. Just a thought.

This is extremely true. It's been 2 years since I left my ex and only one since I felt the desire to exchange greetings and make eye contact with a guy. Sadly, there is no 10 step method to recovery. Everyone's different. But I swear that talking about it on TT was beyond helpful. So for that BIG HUGS to everyone!

[Smile4Me]

I really have no idea. There's nothing wrong with him, he's good looking, smart, and funny, and looks pretty impressive in his Sheriff's Deputy uniform. By all counts I should be gobbling him up. I enjoy spending time with him, but know that it won't be anything more than close friends. To his credit, he was very understanding and supportive and took me to lunch over the weekend. The experience hurt like hell for a couple of days, but it was a lesson I needed to learn about myself.

I understand (I think) lol...That's really a good thing that you knew that you could only be friends. So many people misinterpret feelings of love with feelings of lust (cliche, but true) and worse, some young ladies I've met before have kept the sexual relationship going while promising the man she's committed, when she is just too scared to be alone or take care of herself. By the way, I think this is TERRIBLE, but it happens. I'm glad you were able to come out of that situation a brighter and stronger woman; ladylove makes an excellent point sometimes you just aren't ready for what you want, or even what you know you may eventually need.

[Smile4Me]

By the way, don't you just love a man in uniform? MMMHMMMM!! Yes mayum! LOL

[ladylove]

This is extremely true. It's been 2 years since I left my ex and only one since I felt the desire to exchange greetings and make eye contact with a guy. Sadly, there is no 10 step method to recovery. Everyone's different. But I swear that talking about it on TT was beyond helpful. So for that BIG HUGS to everyone!

How long were you married? Are you seeking help to work through the issues so you don't subconsciously pick the same kind of man again? I hope you have someone to help you navigate through the muddy waters.

[lil_librarian]

How long were you married? Are you seeking help to work through the issues so you don't subconsciously pick the same kind of man again? I hope you have someone to help you navigate through the muddy waters.

We were married over 5 years. I do have a couple of really wonderful friends that I can talk to about anything/everything and I do. That being said....I have to give myself a pat on the back...I really have no intention of falling into a relationship that is abusive in any way, shape, or form. I questions guys better than the FBI and if I get a vibe that I don't like, I walk away. It takes an aweful lot for me to trust somebody...I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm willing to be patient to wait until I find it. Which will probably be good for TT sales. HAHAHA!

[ladylove]

We were married over 5 years. I do have a couple of really wonderful friends that I can talk to about anything/everything and I do. That being said....I have to give myself a pat on the back...I really have no intention of falling into a relationship that is abusive in any way, shape, or form. I questions guys better than the FBI and if I get a vibe that I don't like, I walk away. It takes an aweful lot for me to trust somebody...I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm willing to be patient to wait until I find it. Which will probably be good for TT sales. HAHAHA!

good for you!

[ginshreve]

Lil Librarian,

I too was celibate for years (!) after a bad marriage before I was comfortable having sex again or even being in any kind of a relationship. Even now, it's very very hard to risk that kind of love relationship again. I feel fortunate that I have a very good long term friend who has become a FWB, and I have to say, after our first sexual encounter, my overwhelming thought was something along the lines of "THANK YOU GOD, If I die tonight my ex-h won't be the last man who had his mouth/dick on me". Crass, perhaps, but that was what I felt. With a little more practice, I have come to enjoy sex much more than I did that first time back in the saddle, so to speak.

If nothing else, I hope your encounter has purged some of the bad memories from your marriage, and you can thank your friend for that.