Members ladylove Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Out at lunch one day a couple of women and I were talking about who's cheating on who, which spouse know, which don't, who's getting divorced, and of course who's crazy for not getting divorced. At some point during the discussion I asked "would you want to know or do you prefer to be blind". Out of the 5 women including myself everyone but myself didn't want to know. All these women have post graduate degrees, work and could live on there income alone. I however am the only one who no longer works. I was so dumbfounded by there reactions. I still think about it and don't understand it. I'm not asking for you to explain it, I'm simply asking you, WOULD YOU OR WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?, and why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would defininately what to know and the sooner the better. That is the only way to sort things out - is the relationship salvageable? Do I want to try to salvage it? What's next? If it meant that the best thing to do was bail, I would want to begin to start over as soon as possible. It would be horrible and painful either way, but not knowing would be worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 22, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would defininately what to know and the sooner the better. That is the only way to sort things out - is the relationship salvageable? Do I want to try to salvage it? What's next? If it meant that the best thing to do was bail, I would want to begin to start over as soon as possible. It would be horrible and painful either way, but not knowing would be worse.Exactly what I thought and said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I think I'd want to know. My hubby, on the other hand, has said that what he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him. So, if I cheated, and he didn't find out about it, he wouldn't have to care or worry. How ubuer-odd is that???? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crossroads123 Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I have been down that road b4 with a cheating wife and I never knew until it was tooooo late so yes I would want to know immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DADT Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Out at lunch one day a couple of women and I were talking about who's cheating on who, which spouse know, which don't, who's getting divorced, and of course who's crazy for not getting divorced. At some point during the discussion I asked "would you want to know or do you prefer to be blind". Out of the 5 women including myself everyone but myself didn't want to know. All these women have post graduate degrees, work and could live on there income alone. I however am the only one who no longer works. I was so dumbfounded by there reactions. I still think about it and don't understand it. I'm not asking for you to explain it, I'm simply asking you, WOULD YOU OR WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?, and why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DADT Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 No good answer to this. Hurts to find out that the person you thought loved you has gone looking elsewhere. I've lived that. But its a different kind of pain not knowing why your relationship has gotten weird, distant, or less affectionate, and why there are so many times when someone is "working late" or "going out with friends without you" more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mystofpric Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I'd want to know, when I was in a relationship that was my one rule, don't cheat just let me know and we'll end it. Not we'll fix it and I can make you happpy blah blah blah, but let's end it like civilized adults. Yeah it'll suck but i'd think that easier than finding out the hard way that my SO has been unfaithful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Oh, I would want to know...and expect my gal pals to tell me right away! In the age of STDs and all the other shit, it is important to know. I also, would want to know 'is this something I can or want to save????' ALso to consider here is, 'if you knew that your friend's hubby was cheating (or wife, as the case may be) would you feel obligated to tell them, or would you just say, 'not my business?' I ask that question for a reason, which I will divulge later.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Oh, I would want to know...and expect my gal pals to tell me right away! In the age of STDs and all the other shit, it is important to know. I also, would want to know 'is this something I can or want to save????' ALso to consider here is, 'if you knew that your friend's hubby was cheating (or wife, as the case may be) would you feel obligated to tell them, or would you just say, 'not my business?' I ask that question for a reason, which I will divulge later....This is dicey, but if it was a close friend, I feel like I would have to tell her/him. And I would expect a close friend to tell me if the situation were reversed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mystofpric Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 This is dicey, but if it was a close friend, I feel like I would have to tell her/him. And I would expect a close friend to tell me if the situation were reversed.That's very dicey. This is normally something that I say none-ya to and keep out of. Now if this is a really close friend and I have 100% fool-proof evidence and I'm not just sepculating then I would say something, but be prepared for fallout when teh friend does find out, she/he is likely to want to shoot the messanger I'd think! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members duey1963 Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I would expect my SO to tell me herself. And i would tell her also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Well, Mikayla, this actually happened to me with my ex-husband. TWO, count 'em, TWO of my very good friends, that I was super close too, KNEW that my then-husband, was flirting/cheating via the internet, and physically, and didn't tell me until MONTHS AFTER I married him! They didn't think I'd believe them, even knowing that I was realistic with how he was, especially in the past. He (my now ex) cheated on his other GFs, and I was aware of that. In fact, with one GF, he cheated on her with ME. So, I knew that, and so did they! I was really close, like sisters in fact, with one of these friends. To this day, we're not nearly as close. Both friends expressed regret at not telling me, and I have really forgiven them, but they haven't forgiven themselves. They saw the aftermath of the death of that marriage, and, although it was emotionally traumatizing, they know I was still hurt by him, them, and also financially hurt as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 23, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Oh, I would want to know...and expect my gal pals to tell me right away! In the age of STDs and all the other shit, it is important to know. I also, would want to know 'is this something I can or want to save????' ALso to consider here is, 'if you knew that your friend's hubby was cheating (or wife, as the case may be) would you feel obligated to tell them, or would you just say, 'not my business?' I ask that question for a reason, which I will divulge later....Here's the thing. Before that infamous lunch, I would have said yes, if that person was a very close friend. I would never tell a casual friend, I don't feel it would be appropriate. I also understand the fall out from this and would be deeply saddened by it, but would regretfully inform him/her. Now, after my lunch, I would not say anything to either of the women in that group, and I'm not sure I would ever say anything to the men. And I know without even asking, my husband would say it's not his business to get involved. I'm not sure any more what I would do. I think it would depend on who it was. Yes, in a world of Aids, and a host of other STD's you might think it is imperative to inform a friend, but wouldn't you think a responsible adult be responsible even if cheating; and if you know a party doesn't want to know, I believe you need to honor their request, no matter what your own personal views are. If I don't know their views, I would definitely have to make a judgement call. I'm a very good friend, but I'm not the worlds gate keeper. As I said before, I would need to know, in order to decide what course of action is to be taken.I'm dyeing to find out why you ask! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 23, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 To both of the questions, I have to wonder if it would matter if it were a one-night stand, or a long-time affair.If my SO cheated and there were emotions involved and it was a on-going thing, I KNOW I would want to know. He would owe it to everyone, including himself, to figure out he could fall for another. I don't know what the answer would be, but it would certainly be something that would need to be discussed. If he cheated and it was a one night drunken mistake ... I don't know. If there were no babies or STDs involved ... I don't know, maybe I would be better off not knowing.Likewise with telling a friend - it might depend on the "level" of cheating. It is hard to say for sure, having never been in such a situation, but I feel fairly certain I would tell the friend if the SO was having an affair, but a one-nighter, I probably wouldn't unless the person the cheating happened with was known to have some issue (fatal attraction habits, diseases, etc.)These are really good questions - very thought provoking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shoupja Posted March 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Ignorance is not always bliss. When an affair is happening, the primary relationship totally changes. It's very obvious that something is going on even though you can't put your finger on it. You'll drive yourself insane wondering what it is until you know the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 23, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I would expect my SO to tell me herself. And i would tell her also.Not likely.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 23, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 To both of the questions, I have to wonder if it would matter if it were a one-night stand, or a long-time affair.If my SO cheated and there were emotions involved and it was a on-going thing, I KNOW I would want to know. He would owe it to everyone, including himself, to figure out he could fall for another. I don't know what the answer would be, but it would certainly be something that would need to be discussed. If he cheated and it was a one night drunken mistake ... I don't know. If there were no babies or STDs involved ... I don't know, maybe I would be better off not knowing.Likewise with telling a friend - it might depend on the "level" of cheating. It is hard to say for sure, having never been in such a situation, but I feel fairly certain I would tell the friend if the SO was having an affair, but a one-nighter, I probably wouldn't unless the person the cheating happened with was known to have some issue (fatal attraction habits, diseases, etc.)These are really good questions - very thought provoking.I find it interesting you clarify types of cheating. Excusing one as a forgivable drunken mistake, in-excusing the other. Now, you also qualify cheating into levels. Low level doesn't make it onto radar so don't tell, unless there are extenuating circumstance; highest level is a full blown affair = tell friend. If you saw a friend with another person in a compromising position, do you really think either male of female would tell you if were having a full blown affair, and how would you know if there were extenuating circumstances, you wouldn't to both. Each are signs something is wrong. I would want to know either way.There is one exception: If both parities agree to have an open marriage, and are free to explore. How the hell would I know that? That's not cheating, and doesn't fit here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 23, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I find it interesting you clarify types of cheating. Excusing one as a forgivable drunken mistake, in-excusing the other. Now, you also qualify cheating into levels. Low level doesn't make it onto radar so don't tell, unless there are extenuating circumstance; highest level is a full blown affair = tell friend. If you saw a friend with another person in a compromising position, do you really think either male of female would tell you if were having a full blown affair, and how would you know if there were extenuating circumstances, you wouldn't to both. Each are signs something is wrong. I would want to know either way.There is one exception: If both parities agree to have an open marriage, and are free to explore. How the hell would I know that? That's not cheating, and doesn't fit here.True, it is fascinating that I have levels. I have never really thought about it before. It is really odd considering how important honesty is to me in a relationship. This probably says something strange about me. I think telling the friend also depends on the friend. I have one that is strong enough emotionally that if I told her I saw something that made me suspicious of her husband, she would be able to rationally confront him and find out what was going on. She is my only RL friend but I know other people who are not that strong and would fly off the handle, likely more at me than him, even if I had absolute proof. I think I am somewhere in between. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted March 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I think telling the friend also depends on the friend. I have one that is strong enough emotionally that if I told her I saw something that made me suspicious of her husband, she would be able to rationally confront him and find out what was going on. She is my only RL friend but I know other people who are not that strong and would fly off the handle, likely more at me than him, even if I had absolute proof. I think I am somewhere in between.I think it really depends on the situation who the person might blame. I mean in some situations the person he cheats with is something both of them know. So with this being said then....the woman knows the man is in a relationship and is friends with both of them. Then how do you handle that. Me I would blame her, but he is to blame as well. He is not completely innocent. If I were in her shoes I would have avoided it and fought the feelings even more as to worry about jeopardizing friendships for what could be just lust.Whereas it is different if the woman he is cheating with is someone not known to the SO. The woman may not even know he is taken. He could be feeding her lines that he is single and such so then definitely all blame would be on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 23, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 ....the woman knows the man is in a relationship and is friends with both of them ... I would blame her ... I would have avoided it and fought the feelings even more as to worry about jeopardizing friendships for what could be just lust. I can't argue that one with you. You are totally right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunday Posted March 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I would want to know. I WOULD know. I can't imagine being in a "relationship" and being so far removed from the other person that they could be involved with someone else and I didn't know it. If my life was that far removed from my partner, I'd probably be looking to end the relationship just on that basis, whether they were sleeping around or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 23, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 I would want to know. I WOULD know. I can't imagine being in a "relationship" and being so far removed from the other person that they could be involved with someone else and I didn't know it. If my life was that far removed from my partner, I'd probably be looking to end the relationship just on that basis, whether they were sleeping around or not.Sunday, You say you would know. So why is the old saying "The spouse is the last to know"?And:If you think you would know, why are so many spouses in a state of shock when they find out. I know we all would like to think we would know, but Do you really think you would know?Just questions to ponder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shoupja Posted March 23, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 why are so many spouses in a state of shock when they find out.Because often all the signs point right to it, but the one who is being betrayed lives in denial. Even when they are actively searching for evidence, subconsciously they are hoping that they find nothing. When it's staring you in the face is when the truth, and the shock, hits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 23, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Because often all the signs point right to it, but the one who is being betrayed lives in denial. Even when they are actively searching for evidence, subconsciously they are hoping that they find nothing. When it's staring you in the face is when the truth, and the shock, hits.I'm not sure denial is the right word. The women I know who suspected and found, were told, promised and sworn nothing was going on. I think they each wanted to believe and trust their husbands, until otherwise proven. I also think it may be a little of 'I can't believe it happened to me' sort of thing. Neither of these women hide there head in the sand so to speak. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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