Cheating?

[AprilMay85]

About 2 months ago my bf had cyber sex with another girl, I got very hurt b/c i felt this was cheating and he thought it was just like porn. We had a loooooong talk, he agreed not to do it again. We discussed what is and is not cheating, and I know we were both very clear on the rules. I agreed to let this one go and forget about it b/c prior to this we had not discussed what is cheating and I felt like he shouldn't be punished for some thing he thought was ok, as long as it didn't happen again.

A little less than 2 weeks ago he cheated on me... he made out with another girl, as far as we are concerned this is cheating and he knows it. He told me, last wednesday, its not like i went snooping and found out, and I know he feels bad, he cried for 2 hours on sunday when i didn't think i could be with him and said basically if he wanted me to forget about it he could forget about me. on sunday he promised me that he would go to counseling b/c in addition to this incident he has been online getting girls to send him naked pics and i found on his phone that he had given out his number and not only had she sent him pics but he sent her one of his dick. he also promised that until i feel l can trust him again he needs to tell me when he goes somewhere when he leaves home, gets there, leaves there, and gets home. basically the night he did it he had been texting me a little and then i heard nothing from him for like 2 hours. I feel and he agreed with me that because of this he needs to let me know where he is so that i can be reassured that hes not doing it again. now 4 or so days later he got made in the car today when i asked who he was texting and tonight we get home and he tells me hes going to a car show tomorrow and he doesn't know when he'll be home, i asked if her would call me when he leaves there please and he was just like "idk, we'll see".

We live together and I believe that he loves me, I am head over heals for him. a small part of me is saying b/c he cheated i should leave him, but right now i feel so in love that I really want to work things out.

So, am i right for wanting to keep an eye on him? or should i just let him be and hope i don't get hurt again? anyone been in a similar situation? any advice?

[AprilMay85]

anyone have anything to say?

[Tyger]

Well, if I haven't said it before, welcome to TooTimid!!

As you will find out, if you haven't from reading already, many of us are going to tell it how we see it. I happen to be one of those people that just tells it how she sees it. I don't want you to think I am being disrespectful or rude, ok?

It's great that you were able to discuss this with him, and, in the beginning, he seemed genuinely sorry and wanted to make things work. However, the last text, and then the "IDK" to your "please call me" makes me wonder how sincere his efforts really are, and how sincerely he felt bad. Did he feel bad that he hurt you, or did he feel bad that he got caught? I mean, he got caught with the texting, and then he cheated on you AGAIN.

You know the saying, "forgive but not forget"? This is so true here. You can forgive him, however, don't forget about it.

He cheated on you again, which is why I asked was he sorry, or sorry he got caught. If he was TRULY sorry about what he did the first time, he wouldn't have made out with another girl, and in such a short period of time, which also is why I woud question how much of a relationship he really wants with you.

He may think that you're going overboard with all the check-ins, but, to establish trust again, if that's what you feel will help YOU, and will show that he IS sorry and IS trustworthy, it will take more than a few days to do. It sounds like he thinks that just those few times of calling should do it, but his cheating was not only the texts/pix, but now a physical contact of another woman. It's gonna take a while.

He should be calling you anyway, since he lives with you. I'm sorry to say this, but, IMO, it sounds like he isn't as serious in this relationship as you would like him to be. He sounds like he wants to go, flirt, have fun, and not worry. Then, you're home, and he gets his piece of ass whenever he wants it= have his cake & eat it too.

You asked if anyone had similar experiences:

My ex husband had this thing, where, even if I flirted online, he considered that cheating. So I didn't. Well, I got some info from a friend, and checked out HIS stuff. I had always respected his privacy on the computer and with his stuff, cuz I believe that, even in a relationship, you still need a piece of YOU to yourself. Well, I dove in, found histories, pix of local girls in lingerie, chat histories, hook up dates and times, blatant cybering, and even a disc that said "*His name* Please don't look at or touch". Well, after all this other stuff, ya know what I did? Oh yeah, I touched it, and looked at it. He'd actually SAVED pictures of women in lingerie, and nude. He was also sending a pic of himself, fully nude and fully erect, to these women, and that pic was saved on the disc too (for easy access without putting it onto my computer). It was then that I put it all together. I worked long hours, so a lot went right by me until that point. He'd be on the computer, close out his window when I walked in, shut the door to the office, leave me in bed alone, even got a pager and had mysterious pages on it, which he always claimed to be "mistakes". He was a HUGE hypocrite!!

So, that's my story, and one HUGE reason he is my EX husband.

In a relationship, there are things you should tolerate, and things you should NOT tolerate. What you need to ask yourself, is how much of this behavior are you willing to put up with, because, the more you accept/forgive his cheating ways, the more he's going to do it, since you let him get away with it.

I just saw this quote, and I really liked it:

The worst thing about being lied to, is knowing you weren't worth the truth. (And cheating is a form of lying.)

Best wishes!!

[AprilMay85]

I do know that you are all blatant and open and that is why i came here for advice. I posted few months ago when the cybering happened and you all had great advice but i had been using my email without the @yahoo as my user name on here and a friend of mine googled me (why i still dont know) and found out that i had posted here rather than coming straight to her and she got pissed that i wouldn't talk to her first. I do talk to her alot and we are very close but I wanted the opinion of someone who didn't know either of us... so as a result i have made myself a new account, with a user name that is unique to this site only.

again thank you for any honost advice :-)

[Tyger]

I kept thinking of stuff, so I've editted it a few times!! LMAO

I've said it before: no relationship is perfect, and every relationship has areas that need working on. However, cheating is one of the hardest things to get over, whether you're a man or a woman. This is because of 2 things, IMO : violation of TRUST, because without trust, there is NO relationship. AND EGO "How dare they cheat on ME?" The latter is usually felt more by men, but I know I felt that way when I was cheated on too. Plus, I hate being played for a fool.

[ladylove]

How long have you tow gone out together and how long have you lived together. Do you think these are the only times, or just the times he was caught? Also could you give me the approx. age of each. After you let me know the answers to these ? I will let you know what I think.

[AprilMay85]

How long have you tow gone out together and how long have you lived together. Do you think these are the only times, or just the times he was caught? Also could you give me the approx. age of each. After you let me know the answers to these ? I will let you know what I think.

been together 11 months, living together for 9 of them.

I do think these are the only times I have asked him before if he has been with anyone else and he said no, though you may or may not believe me I'm 99% of the time able to tell when anyone is lying to me, i saw something in his face and eyes and i believe him here.

We are both in our early 20's. I don't feel exact age is nessicary b/c I have read on either this forum or another 2 similar stories from a women in their late 40's and early 50's who appear to feel the same as i do. in both of these cases they had not been married or with their so for a very lenghty time. i think love is something you can have at any age and the pain i'm feeling can be felt at any age/ stage of the relationship. I would like your 100% honosy opinion however i think most of the time opinions should not be based on age. regardless i want your honost opinion weather we agree here or not.

thank you :-)

[ladylove]

been together 11 months, living together for 9 of them.

I do think these are the only times I have asked him before if he has been with anyone else and he said no, though you may or may not believe me I'm 99% of the time able to tell when anyone is lying to me, i saw something in his face and eyes and i believe him here.

We are both in our early 20's. I don't feel exact age is nessicary b/c I have read on either this forum or another 2 similar stories from a women in their late 40's and early 50's who appear to feel the same as i do. in both of these cases they had not been married or with their so for a very lenghty time. i think love is something you can have at any age and the pain i'm feeling can be felt at any age/ stage of the relationship. I would like your 100% honosy opinion however i think most of the time opinions should not be based on age. regardless i want your honost opinion weather we agree here or not.

thank you :-)

You need to know my opinion is not based on a similar experience, only life experience. In addition, my opinion is also based only on age as a (loose) barometer of life experiences. Not on your feelings.

You better buckle up because what I have to say may not be easy.

Usually when a person feels they are being cheated on, they are. Past studies I have read indicate that, with very few exceptions. So if you really think you are being cheated on, you probably are.

Don't fool yourself people can be/become excellent liars when need be.

Here is the hard part.

You've known him for 11 months total, and for 9 of those you've lived together. You are suppose to be in the "honeymoon stage still'. Every thing suppose to be deliriously happy for at least one year. But instead, with in those 11 months he has already cheated on you a few times in a few different way; yes I understand you don't count one of them. Don't fool yourself, he knew exactly what he was doing. He has disappears with out a word and you have know idea when/if he'll be back and you feel the need to 'keep a watch on him'. You are not his mother, this isn't part of a healthy mature relationship. You love him and want to work it out. Why?

He has shown his true colors and doesn't deserve you. If this is the best he can do, is it good enough for you? Are you willing to give up your self respect for him?

No matter how much you love him, think with your head, does he deserve you?

**If this seems brutal, I apologize for my bluntness.**

[SensualWoman]

Couldn't have put either better myself.

[square]

Easy for me to say 'cuz I ain't the one in love with the clown, and its not like I have any magic crystal ball here, but . . .

Dump him. Fast. Don't look back. In my experience, without some major life-changing event, people tend not to change, at least not much and not quickly. If this guy is doing cheatious things now, he's not going to stop any time soon. He'll just get better at hiding it. Even if he genuinely is sorry when he does his things and sobs real tears, he will not change.

If you need to keep him on a tight leash, it is not worth it; and he will bite through it at the first scent of a girl dog or a garbage can or a rotting carcass, and it sounds like he already has.

[sun_flower969]

You need to know my opinion is not based on a similar experience, only life experience. In addition, my opinion is also based only on age as a (loose) barometer of life experiences. Not on your feelings.

You better buckle up because what I have to say may not be easy.

Usually when a person feels they are being cheated on, they are. Past studies I have read indicate that, with very few exceptions. So if you really think you are being cheated on, you probably are.

Don't fool yourself people can be/become excellent liars when need be.

Here is the hard part.

You've known him for 11 months total, and for 9 of those you've lived together. You are suppose to be in the "honeymoon stage still'. Every thing suppose to be deliriously happy for at least one year. But instead, with in those 11 months he has already cheated on you a few times in a few different way; yes I understand you don't count one of them. Don't fool yourself, he knew exactly what he was doing. He has disappears with out a word and you have know idea when/if he'll be back and you feel the need to 'keep a watch on him'. You are not his mother, this isn't part of a healthy mature relationship. You love him and want to work it out. Why?

He has shown his true colors and doesn't deserve you. If this is the best he can do, is it good enough for you? Are you willing to give up your self respect for him?

No matter how much you love him, think with your head, does he deserve you?

**If this seems brutal, I apologize for my bluntness.**

Agreed you are young this relationship is very new. Don't wait till it's more complicated. He doesn't deserve you. She's right!

[Jojo1231]

Speaking from a guy's perspective, yeah he knew what he was doing. I might give him the benefit of the doubt if he wasn't "getting any" but that's not the case here. You established the ground rules and he went ahead and broke them. I agree that best thing is to get out now before it gets any worse (ie having kids involved).

That's the great thing about this place...nobody is here to preach or run their life rules by someone. You want advice, no prob, ppl will give them to you, straight up w/moralization.

Deep down, I think you know what course of action you should take and really, you're the only one that can make that decision.

[shdowulf39]

doesn't sound like this dog will ever change.he knew the rules.you both sad down and talked about them.I personally think he is a cheater now and maybe always.some people out there just are.just who they are and there nature.

you are too good for him.kick him to the curb,and find someone who is worthy of your affections.

sorry if this is so blunt.but it's just another guys point of view.

[ohshelly]

Sweetheart, I wish I knew the answer for you, I really do.

I know the hurt and pain you are feeling.

No matter how new the relationship, the hurt is very real.

I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will be alright.

Give this a lot of thought, ok? Do what is best for you, don't think about him right now.

It is going to be tough.

I will be thinking of you.

[raniedaize]

Some people have a literal lack of control when it comes to behaving as they should--regardless of how genuinely they may love their SO. That said, if he happens to be one of such said people, can you handle a lifetime of being cheated on? If exclusivity is of paramount importance to you, then you need to consider him an "Almost, But Not Quite" type of man for you. He may possess qualities that you absolutely love, want, and need for a boyfriend/fiance/husband, but his pattern of behavior does not reveal the type of qualities I personally would require in a man for myself--namely, FAITHFULNESS, REASONABLENESS, and CONSIDERATION. If I were in your shoes, my heart might want to work it out or give it another try, but my HEAD would tell my heart, "Shut up!!!!!" and make my feet flee in a very speedy manner.

[ohshelly]

Some people have a literal lack of control when it comes to behaving as they should--regardless of how genuinely they may love their SO. That said, if he happens to be one of such said people, can you handle a lifetime of being cheated on? If exclusivity is of paramount importance to you, then you need to consider him an "Almost, But Not Quite" type of man for you. He may possess qualities that you absolutely love, want, and need for a boyfriend/fiance/husband, but his pattern of behavior does not reveal the type of qualities I personally would require in a man for myself--namely, FAITHFULNESS, REASONABLENESS, and CONSIDERATION. If I were in your shoes, my heart might want to work it out or give it another try, but my HEAD would tell my heart, "Shut up!!!!!" and make my feet flee in a very speedy manner.

Well said, Taiyo. Thanks.

The guy and are are working thru his last and only chance,

so this applies to me, also.

[raniedaize]

Well said, Taiyo. Thanks.

The guy and are are working thru his last and only chance,

so this applies to me, also.

You're welcome. If you need a shoulder, I have two!!!

[ohshelly]

You're welcome. If you need a shoulder, I have two!!!

Thank you so much. The support of my friends here has been invaluable.

We have been back together for almost two months, and it is working.

It is going to take time, tho, and I know we are not out of the woods yet.

I want it to work, but I am realistic, also.

[ladylove]

Thank you so much. The support of my friends here has been invaluable.

We have been back together for almost two months, and it is working.

It is going to take time, tho, and I know we are not out of the woods yet.

I want it to work, but I am realistic, also.

I truly hope everything works out for you.

[AprilMay85]

Thanks for all the advice :-)

Right now we are trying to work things out, I'm still not sure this is going to work but I'm trying. I'm not being 100%naive either, its just that our lease doesn't end until the end of October. I have previously spoken to the building manager about moving b/c I don't like our building and my original lease was supposed to end June 1st. I'm sure if i really really tried and talked to a lawyer or something i could get out of it but I can barely pay bills now. I can't afford our apt by myself anymore because I lost a job in January and i/I'm only working part time. Even if we could get out of our lease I don't have anywhere to go, my parents have a tiny house and my sister and her daughter were having a hard time and just moved in with them. And being this age all of my friends either still live with their parents or are also living in small apartments.

Also right around the time this was all happening he got laid off. I don't think this is an excuse but I also know when I lost my job in January I was devestated. The day of my first post was the only day things were really uncertain. Since then (fri, sat, and sun) he has been really sweet. he seems to understand that I can't just forget about it. I have forgiven him, i had a huge problem with my mother when i was younger and held something against her for 5 years, I just can't do it again it didn't help me with any aspect of the problem. He has told me a few times in the past week that he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and that he is willing to do anything and everything to prove that he loves me.

So, we have 4 months to see weather this will work out. he did find a new job, and I was also hired at the same place, he thinks he did some things b/c he was lonely while i was working. We can carpool together, and I will be getting paid more than I am now plus overtime so I can save money, safety net no matter what happens. And, while I know its not absolutely necessary to explain myself to all of you... I had loaned him money when he over drew a bank account a few months ago, and normally he has given me x-amount of dollars per week and I write the checks to pay the bills. I feel like trying to work things out over the next few months, pass or fail, I am more apt to get paid back at least part of the money I am owed.

I will be back with updates, as I said before I like you all because you are honest and not afraid to speak up, even if it may hurt. You all are great. Again, THANK YOU!!

[raniedaize]

(It accidently posted twice)

[raniedaize]

I understand how you would want to work it out, and I am proud that you have set a specific date to reevaluate your situation. I too am in my early 20's and think that waiting the few months of your lease in order to not break it and be able able to save up money will be extremely advantageous for you. I hope his act straightens up!

[AprilMay85]

I understand how you would want to work it out, and I am proud that you have set a specific date to reevaluate your situation. I too am in my early 20's and think that waiting the few months of your lease in order to not break it and be able able to save up money will be extremely advantageous for you. I hope his act straightens up!

Me too! thanks... and at very worst atleast since he loves to drive i will save myself a lot of miles on my car driving to work the next few months, lol. but really I hope it works out, and eitehr way i'm glad its a lesson i'm learning now and not after i've been married for 20 years.

[ladylove]

Everyone needs to make decisions based on what's best for themselves. Good luck!

[ohshelly]

I have my fingers crossed for you, sweetpea.