What To Do...

[Gabby82]

My husband and I have been married for three years,have two kids and he was deployed with the military for almost two of them. He came back and now we are having problems. Wonder why? Anyway while he was gone he asked me to do some research into what I liked sexually, telling me that I was a prude and not very good in bed. So I did. I found that I am into being dominated. Nothing extreme and no where but in the bedroom. He won't even try it. Says that it isn't his thing and that it is kind of freaky that it's mine. Along with that there have been issues of him not coming to bed and watching porn of the internet and them coming in and asking me to "roll over and spread". Yes those were his words. I have never had an orgasm and always end up just frustrated. I have brought toys and asked if we could try differnt things. Since he likes porn I offered to watch it with him. No deal. I don't want anything extreme just a little consideration and some planning sometimes. Now don't get me wrong in the other aspects of our life he's ok. He's a great dad and he is fun to hang out with. I love him a lot. So any way here is the real question. WE have been having trouble and part of my issues with him is about our sex lives and if I want it this way. How important do you actually think sex is to a relationship? Is it a deal breaker when it doesn't get better and he takes no suggestions. I feel like maybe I am blowing it out of proportion but I just don't feel like this is the way it is supposed to be and quite frankly I don't want to be stuck in someething mediocre. Please tell me what you would do or try.

[crazy1]

In my mind, this is a real problem. I don't know that sex is a dealbreaker like you ask, but I will say that it is a KEY component to a happy marriage.

I may not be an expert, but to me it sounds like he just has become too involved with porn, and now that he is stateside, he doens't feel like jerking off. He figures, I did enough of that while I was over there, so now, I am home, my wife has a pulse and a vagina, I bet she would get something out if it too! This is why I truly despise pornography. I think it creates unreal expectations and can become the primary source of stimulation, thus decreaseing your desire for intercourse with your living, breathing, human spouse.

What you are asking for in, a little consideration, is nothing short of a basic quality in a loving marriage. I say, sit down with him in a non-sexual atmosphere, and in a non-threatening way, just lay out what your expectations are, and how you feel. Try to get him to understand that his sexual practices leave you unfulfilled and wanting something else. Or, if you just want to be mean, the next time he gives the order to "roll over and spread", when he is done, just whip out a vibe and say, thanks hon, but now I will let something that can actually get me off go to work. Then just lay back and get yourself off and put on a crazy show of moaning, panting and really acting like a porno girl, then when you are done, just say "I sure am glad I have that toy!"

Okay, so maybe that isn't the best way to go about, and I am just being sarcastic(as normal) and slightly bitter, but I am sure most of the men here agree, this soldier is not living up to his duty.

[Gabby82]

You are funny! Anyway I don't think that I would do the whole vibrator thing in bed to me that seems mean and in general I try not to be mean on purpose. As for the sitting down and letting him know what is wrong with the situations, let me tell you the solutions I have treid and then maybe you'll have suggestions on how to move from there. I have sat with him at our kitchen table and told him what I want out of our sex lives. I've asked what he wants. Since he likes porn I offered to watch it with him even though its really not my thing. I like the real deal so much better. I have tried to toy shop with him and suggested that we maybe go to an adult toy store. No deal. In bed I have tried everything from verbal cues to physically putting his hands where they need to be. I have told him what I want and that things aren't working. Along with all the other stresses our marriage I told him this is something we need to work out because it should be unnessecary to stress about it. He has not tried to fix anything, still watches porn, and says that life is not like the romance novels and sex isn't great all the time. I can't expect him to plan sex. Sex is supposed to be sponataneous. I have replied that I don't need the multi-orgasmic sexual encounters the romance novels portray(but hey it would be nice) but at least ONE in three years that was not self -induced with smething rubber would be appreciated. Now what!?

In my mind, this is a real problem. I don't know that sex is a dealbreaker like you ask, but I will say that it is a KEY component to a happy marriage.

I may not be an expert, but to me it sounds like he just has become too involved with porn, and now that he is stateside, he doens't feel like jerking off. He figures, I did enough of that while I was over there, so now, I am home, my wife has a pulse and a vagina, I bet she would get something out if it too! This is why I truly despise pornography. I think it creates unreal expectations and can become the primary source of stimulation, thus decreaseing your desire for intercourse with your living, breathing, human spouse.

What you are asking for in, a little consideration, is nothing short of a basic quality in a loving marriage. I say, sit down with him in a non-sexual atmosphere, and in a non-threatening way, just lay out what your expectations are, and how you feel. Try to get him to understand that his sexual practices leave you unfulfilled and wanting something else. Or, if you just want to be mean, the next time he gives the order to "roll over and spread", when he is done, just whip out a vibe and say, thanks hon, but now I will let something that can actually get me off go to work. Then just lay back and get yourself off and put on a crazy show of moaning, panting and really acting like a porno girl, then when you are done, just say "I sure am glad I have that toy!"

Okay, so maybe that isn't the best way to go about, and I am just being sarcastic(as normal) and slightly bitter, but I am sure most of the men here agree, this soldier is not living up to his duty.

[sexykitty]

Well from reading your post Gabby82 yes there is a problem here but its not with YOU its with him. I just could not get over the fact that he asked you to find out what you like and want sexually and now that you did he wont try it with you. Maybe it isnt "his thing" but he asked and you replied so he should atleast try and see if it maybe something he would like or do for YOU. To me he seems very onesided......when it comes to sex and pleasing you.......that "roll over and spread them" remark tells me he only thinks of his own pleasure......I think a good talk is in order here......he has been away as you said so you both have to get back into the swing of things, get to know eachother all over again, maybe start with a date night but only after you had a non-threating talk with him about this situation.

You deserve just as much pleasure as he does and the statement of you "not being good in bed" was just uncalled for......if he (and you) feel the need for some improvement then both parties should be willing and open for improvement to take place.....He seems unwilling so how can you make things better if he wont try?

As far as him looking at porn so much.....well since he was away thats all he had and now it seems that is what he is use to......porn is not a bad thing as long as its not taking away from the other person.....as long as its not the main reason for one to become sexually aroused....it should enhance not take away.......you offered to watch some with him and he refused.....again that is something that you have to talk to him about......sounds to me like he maybe having a hard time adjusting to family life etc......after being back.......im sure after a good talk and in time things will get better.......just remember communication is key......and like the other post stated sex is key to a happy marriage.....so keep working at it and keep us posted

[nosleepnmesa]

Well Gabby I can relate in some aspects of it I have 5kids and have been married seven years but my problem was that my husband was getting boring in bed and just ugggg. But with the help of people here things are gettting better.

I have to comment on Crazy post though I have to say I do agree, and find it interesting. Here is some advice I was given from Makayla and Howard and some others. When he is watching a porn on either TV or the computer, have you tried to straddle him? what would he do ? Naked though of course.

Sounds to me like he needs to find out what he likes and get back in touch with you. There was of course something (LOVE) that brought you all togeather and pleasing each other of course since you do have children.

Let me tell you something I use to in a way be kinda like your husband with my X. We were married for 5 years and had 3 kids togeather and there came a point in our relationship that he wanted sex and he was all into and I was just like hurry up and get it over with. So I was like worthless to him in a sense. Once I started thinking about why I was doing this I relized other things were playing a factor. Exsample-stress, kids, life, my friends at the time and what they thought of our relationship. I have to say though this is not YOUR problem he did ask you to find out things about you and you did.

I do also have to agree with sexykitty there is a big talk that needs to take place , Maybe over a nice candlelite dinner, once the kids go to bed. Also a date with just him and you, find a sister go to a nice dinner then a movie or something you all use to love doing.

I know when basically I was acting like your husband in some aspects with my X. We did have a talk it wasnt an easy one and I seemed to be the one always saying there is nothing wrong and I dont want to talk about it . It came though when he found a sitter without me knowing about and I came home from work and he was dressed up and sitting on the couch, we had a nice dinner and came home and starting talking about all the things that were bothering me and why I was feeling this way and he asked me what I thought would help with our sex life. IT took alot of time and patients on his end and alot of jacking off but things eventually got better. Our divorce though had nothing to do with this problem.

I think you all need to rekindle the fire since he has been gone awhile.Also the military can put alot of stress on a relationship. He may have some things bothering him from overseas or where ever he was that maybe he isnt even aware. Try talking or having a date.

Good luck and keep us posted

[Gabby82]

Ok there are other factors in our relationship. We have sat down and talked about them. Nothing has changed . I have done about all I can do on that front believe me. As for the interrupting his porn here is the deal. I didn't know he was ding it until I was searching for a website I had visited and had lost the address. I went to the history portion of the google bar and there were a ton of sites that I didn't recognize. With my two year old standing besie me I opened the site to fing an orgy pop up full screen with sound. I couldn't figure out how to shut it off so I grabbed my sons went into thed back bedroom and waited for the noise to shut off. I left them there while I came out and shut the file. He had well over four hundred sites. I confronted him and told asked him where he found them time. He had been getting out of bed at night when our baby cried. He'd rock the baby to sleep and then log on and search porn. I told him that with everything els in our marriage I didn't know if it could handle the strain of this as well and asked him to stop. I also asked to see a counselor since I know this can be an addiction. It would not have cost anything and would be local becasue the military will pay for this type of thing as a post duty benefit becasue of there are a lot of these problems. I gave him the number and asked if he wanted to call. He said no he would do it I told him if he really liked it I would watch it with him. If ever felt the need to watch to please come to me and I would step it up a bit in the bedroom. I did too. He said he wouldn't do it again and I said fine. That was just the conversationin a nutshell. Anyway two weeks later I thought I would check up on him. He hadn't been doing it when he got out of bed so. Turns out he had been taking the wireless internet to the University library. Yep you geussed it. There were double the amount of sites and they dated to the day after we had the first fight. He had told me he called the counselor he hadn't. He even talkedto his parents and had them Have a "talk" with me and tell me it was a normal thing for all young men. He is 26 people! HIs parents. CMON! I had stepped it up in the bedroom and I had warned him and he still hadn't stopped . I had a lot of suggestions to take the internet out of our home. and take away the computer. I told them I saw no need to punish myself. and look what happened anyway.. He had access to computers at his parents who had no problem with it. At school and at work. I told him that that was it stop or we stopped. As far as I know he's stopped at least doing it at home. But the damage has been done. He lied and spent a lot of money on something that is detracting from our love lives.

As for the date. He will not plan one. If we have a date this is typical. WE are new in town and don't know very many people so our babysitting pool is limited. I have to find one. His parents live here and they refuse because if they do it once they think we will take advantage of them. He only wants to go to the movies and then to Burgur King. WE pick up the kids go home where he kisses me politely on the cheek says thanks and then plays Playstation while I get the kids ready for bed. WE have a problem All of which came out about a month after he got off of deployment. I am running out of ideas to help turn things around. He says he sees the problems but nothing in our home has changed.

[Mikayla1]

Ok, here is my perspective on this situation:

Your husband just came back from war, God bless him, and he has probably seen some things. I am talking a whole realm of things from extreme pornography to the normal (but horrible) war time things. He has been through the ringer. Men who come back from any time in a war are just not the same - it is unfortunate, but they are not.

I am not surprised that he doesn't want to be dominant. He was in the military. Contrary to what you might think, men who are powerful or who have high powered or stressful lives, jobs or situations (like military) do NOT usually like to be the dominant, they like to be submissive. Why? BEcause they are used to being the dominant in the rest of their life. They want someone to Dominate THEM. This is just the way it is.

As for him coming to bed after watching porn and saying "spread em" well, he is looking at 400 sex sites, there is no other way he can express it but that. He is horny, you are his wife, he wants sex, that is how it comes out. I am NOT excusing him, I am just saying he needs to rejoin you in a loving, caring, committed relationship now - and get out of the mindset of porn for whacking off.

Let's face it - contrary to what Crazy might think - porn is NOT the root of all evil. It does have a purpose, a time and a place. For our guys in the military, it gives them something to help deal with the stress of what they are going through AND in many cases, it helps them to stay faithful to their wives. In a relationship here, stateside, porn can be a way to reconnect and fire up the lovelife - but only if both people in the relationship are into it and enjoying it. What he is doing is bordering on deceitful and tht is hurtful to you.

I truly feel that he is trying to readjust to life here and he really doesn't quite know how to do that. If you love him, you will try to help him adjust. I do not mean to put all of this on your shoulders, hell, I know what it is like to have wants and desires and to not get them. He may get into the bondage thing later, after he has readjusted himself to normal sex.

For now, I would concentrate on reconnecting with him. Try to surprise him with sex, get him involved in it. Try to engage him in it. Give him blowjobs with nothing expected in return. Try to relieve some of his stress and things may be better for you.

Now, as for the part where you say you have never had an orgasm - that is a problem within itself. I think you have to learn how to find that orgasm yourself. You have to find your pleasure center - your clitoris - and find how to touch yourself until you have your O. My best advice is to lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom, get naked, turn off the lights, light candles. Feel your whole body. Nipples, tummy, thighs. Concentrate on the sensations of it. When you get to your vaginal area, concentrate on pulling the lips and finding your clit. Play slowly, sensually. Rub your clit directly in a pace that makes you feel good. Do not think about anything but YOUR pleasure. If you are having trouble with your fingers, use a vibe just for the clitoral pressure. This will eventually get you to your orgasm - but you need to take the time to explore it.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Mikayla

[Gabby82]

Thank you! Yes I understand that he has come back from a war zone. And not to be mean or anything I was the wife (who by the only just missed being deployed with him becasue my child was too young for me to leave) who watched the news nightly praying there were no bombs. Who got a call one night at 3am saying that there was an accident with one of the units he was deployed yet one soldier was dead but they didn't no who yet( the girl in qeustion was in MY unit i would have deployed with and I knew her.) I had one year old and was pregnant while he called me talking about driving through the streets of KIrkuk and seeing the soldeirs with their weapons and having missles hit their camp. I was there too. Not in the war zone but from experience I can say while you are busy doing your dty there is someone at home doing theirs. That was me. I may not have seen things but every scrap of news was investigated. Every day without a phone call worried over. Do want to know the funny thing he says he never even fired a round that he sat on a hill and ate frozen pizzas and played videogames. He says that most of the Iraqis he met were really nice and still wrties to a few. He didn't even come close to live fire. Thank you GOD! I'm sorry but it irks me that people put this on them like it was all their stress. You do not send one soldier to war_you send their whole family.

Now that I am done with that I just have to say I am sorry to come of mean but I get it a lot. I understand that reading this you see me being very negative and down on him. I see it too. The problems we are having aresomething I don't know how to fix. I think you are right in the fact he would really enjoy being dominated. I feel uncomfortable doing it. I have tried though and he will only let me go so far. Oral sex is one of my favorite things to do for a man. I love the taste feel, sight I love it. He gets them frequently. I do not believe in the sexual raltionship of "you'll get yours when I get mine". It should be done with love and shared btween people like a gift. There is nothing more personal and private to me than my body. I dress modestly becasue I believe now that I am married the only one that should ogle the goods should be my husband. I am not saying however that when he comes home every now and again I don't special time to do my makeup and hair and dress a little more provacatively. That I don't try putting romance back into our relationship by making a nice dinner and finding a babysitter so we can stay home and watch a movie and eat dinner on the living room floor. Yes I have . This is not the problem it his reaction to things like that. a polite kiss and asking when the kids will be home. if he does touch it is more grope than caress and if I show himeby taking his hands and moving them he pulls away or if I like what he is doing he moves on and never returns. I am all for the tease but there is never a return either that time or the time after. I have a game I thought of that I tried and he stopped it in the middle. I made little cards on each there were matching pairs of body parts male and female. Like the childrens game Memory where you had find the two to match so that you could take them off the playing area if you found the two that matched that area would be bared to view. I was freshly shaved and showered the kids were in bed it was fairly early. He got up and watched TV. I know he doesn't have a problem with it becasue it goes up at the drop of a hat but he doesn't use it. When he does use it he barely thinks of me. I have sat him down and had serious discussions about what I would like to ry, wahat was bothering me what he would like to try in a nonsexual environment. When their is no reciprocatin and no communication back to me how do I get him to tell me what is wrong. How do aI suggest something without making us both feel two-inches tall. IThose are the answers I would like. Also there is no qeustion that I love him. Very much. He really is a great guy but sometimes I feel like I running uphill(never been great at that) and at what point do you give up and roll back down. I don't know I don't want to give up to soon becaseu beyond me and my feelings I have towo children that love their father very much.

And as for the orgasm I meant that I never had an orgasm that was induced by a man. I will get this close and then nothing. Yes I have tried toys and helping myself. I've tried but lets just say that it isn't a big deal to begin with and to finish off would take longer thaan the act. Its get in, get off, get out. With my toysHELLO! L:ove those things and if it weren't for them I think I would run screaming for thedoor sooner. But they let me live to another day without the brain fried fromthe frustration of a less than stellar bedroom play..

Ok, here is my perspective on this situation:

Your husband just came back from war, God bless him, and he has probably seen some things. I am talking a whole realm of things from extreme pornography to the normal (but horrible) war time things. He has been through the ringer. Men who come back from any time in a war are just not the same - it is unfortunate, but they are not.

I am not surprised that he doesn't want to be dominant. He was in the military. Contrary to what you might think, men who are powerful or who have high powered or stressful lives, jobs or situations (like military) do NOT usually like to be the dominant, they like to be submissive. Why? BEcause they are used to being the dominant in the rest of their life. They want someone to Dominate THEM. This is just the way it is.

As for him coming to bed after watching porn and saying "spread em" well, he is looking at 400 sex sites, there is no other way he can express it but that. He is horny, you are his wife, he wants sex, that is how it comes out. I am NOT excusing him, I am just saying he needs to rejoin you in a loving, caring, committed relationship now - and get out of the mindset of porn for whacking off.

Let's face it - contrary to what Crazy might think - porn is NOT the root of all evil. It does have a purpose, a time and a place. For our guys in the military, it gives them something to help deal with the stress of what they are going through AND in many cases, it helps them to stay faithful to their wives. In a relationship here, stateside, porn can be a way to reconnect and fire up the lovelife - but only if both people in the relationship are into it and enjoying it. What he is doing is bordering on deceitful and tht is hurtful to you.

I truly feel that he is trying to readjust to life here and he really doesn't quite know how to do that. If you love him, you will try to help him adjust. I do not mean to put all of this on your shoulders, hell, I know what it is like to have wants and desires and to not get them. He may get into the bondage thing later, after he has readjusted himself to normal sex.

For now, I would concentrate on reconnecting with him. Try to surprise him with sex, get him involved in it. Try to engage him in it. Give him blowjobs with nothing expected in return. Try to relieve some of his stress and things may be better for you.

Now, as for the part where you say you have never had an orgasm - that is a problem within itself. I think you have to learn how to find that orgasm yourself. You have to find your pleasure center - your clitoris - and find how to touch yourself until you have your O. My best advice is to lock yourself in the bathroom or bedroom, get naked, turn off the lights, light candles. Feel your whole body. Nipples, tummy, thighs. Concentrate on the sensations of it. When you get to your vaginal area, concentrate on pulling the lips and finding your clit. Play slowly, sensually. Rub your clit directly in a pace that makes you feel good. Do not think about anything but YOUR pleasure. If you are having trouble with your fingers, use a vibe just for the clitoral pressure. This will eventually get you to your orgasm - but you need to take the time to explore it.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

Mikayla

[hrnychick]

What a hard time in your relationship. Sounds to me like there really isnt anymore on YOUR part that you can do. After you wrote your last post that better explained the whole thing much better. I know it seemed like everyone was telling YOU to do more or try more and it was all about him and being at war,,,,,,but thats only because your first post lead people to think of those typical answers to what seemed to be your problem.

Like I said after reading the last post that really tells the story better,,,,,,,I think its sad but true that HE is the one here with the problem......it would be much easier if it wasnt a onesided problem.....or if it there was more on your part that could be done (and there really isnt) seems to me like the only answer here is for him to get that help thats offered by the military......personal and/ or marriage counseling is much needed here.

I may be wrong on this, but im not sure you will find any other help for your problem (his problem) here other then what was already offered.....like i said before what more can you do? You have tried all the ideas given here before you read them here...you had the talk....nothing......you did the date night.....it went ok but not what you wanted it to be....you try to tell him what you like and where to touch you and either get no reply or one that is a let down for you. I really dont know how you lasted this long, to tell you the truth. I have to hand it to you for not giving up others in your case would have given up by now im sure.

Its so hard when you love someone and try so much and get very little in return. Marriage has many ups and downs as you know.....always a work in progress.....and you being new to the area where you live and him being in the military doesnt make it any easier along with the every day stress and kids etc.....I hope you do find the answer you are looking for and hope it works out for you......Sorry i couldnt offer better advice or help but i just felt that i had to reply to your post......and to let you know if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to you can PM me anytime. Sometimes you just need to vent and you will feel a bit better,

Good Luck and make sure you keep all of us posted please.

[nosleepnmesa]

Well Gabby, In alot of ways I have to agree with Makayla and the others. War is a very as you know tramanic thing whethe you are on the front line or your love one is away. I know that you have stated that you gave him a counselor number and he said he would call and didnt. What if you called and made a appointment would he go or would he just get upset? I have to say that I do believe that anyone that has been sent overseas to war once they return should seek some type of counseling just do to the stress of deployment things that were going on around them ect.. I could be way off base here, but my brother has been a Navy Seal for years in fact this is his last year THANK GOD, I know that everytime he came back him and his wife went to counseling whether their was a problem or not. Even if my brother wont go my sister in law would. Just a suggestion, I know you have tired everything you can possibely try but if he wont go maybe you should go just to get the extra help. I am at a loss of words and I am sorry but I hope things do get better.

I just felt like I had to response to you last post, you sure have tried alot and you sure can tell that you love him alot. Sounds heartbreaking and sad to me.Keep us posted and I wish you the best of luck , I am very sorry I couldnt be more helpful. If you ever need a person to vent on or anything just like hrnychick has mentioned please feel free to pm me and vent all you would like.

[Mikayla1]

Honey, I didn't mean that YOU didn't have your own stress while he was away, I completely understand the concept of the whole family suffers when you send a man to war. However, no matter how you look at it, he was the one who could have been thrust into the warzone in a moment's notice, and he was the one sleeping in 100 degree heat, etc. This is really about him being at war, I only brought that up to point out why I felt he might be hesitant to be in the dominant position with you.

Now I will point out something that might not be pleasant to hear, but has also come to my mind. You have been married for only 3 years - in those 3 years you have had 2 children and he has gone to war. That is a tremendous amount of stress on a new marriage - a tremendous amount. Women handle stress MUCH better than men (sorry guys, we do) - we can mulit-task kids, home, work, carry the family and still be horny at night. Men get deterred and distracted by things. I think your hubby is just super stressed out! He is living in porn world because he doesn't have to interact in it. Then when he finally gets too horny, he comes to get you to "help" him relieve. It is a sad image, but it is probably true.

I don't think he really wants to be bothered with the stress of adjusting to a bad sex life - and honey, you have a bad sex life. I don't hear about any fun, I don't hear about any connecting with each other. I just hear about him avoiding it. Is is possible that he is no longer interested in YOU personally? Just cause a man gets a boner, doesn't mean he loves you. I am SOOOOO sorry to sound mean about this, I don't mean to, but if your marriage is in this much trouble, then the sex life is often the first thing to show signs.

I think a marriage counselor is your best bet - or even a counselor just for him. I feel he has issues that he needs to work out, and that he needs someone to talk to.

As for the orgasm, if you have had one with toys, you can have them during sex, you probably just need to start clitorally stimulating yourself. OVer 80% of women can't climax without clitoral stim - so give that a try next time.

So I hope this didn't come off mean, I just think that our expertise here will cease to help you - I think that you both need to air your concerns and thoughts to a counselor. You obviously are upset and you are also a little "angry" that he left you. I know that you understand he had to, but you tell me that you had stress, you had to worry and watch the news, you had to wonder if he were dead - while he sat and at pizza on a hill and never fired a gun - kind of makes it seem like you had it worse, and you really didn't - so I think you need to do some soul searching and see what it is you are really angry about, and see if you are projecting that onto him - cause if you are, then he would probably not be so receptive to sex.

Find a good counselor!

Good luck,

Mikayla

[Tyger]

I am responding to this post before I read any of the responses. I will go back and read them in a bit! So if I copy someone, I am sorry for the redundancy!!

Where does HE get off calling YOU lousy in bed AND a prude!!! It sounds like HE needs to wear that title!!! I mean, you did the searching, and now he doesn't even want to try it? And doesn't want to explore other options, like watching simple porn with his WIFE??

Cybering is OK, IF IF IF both partners are OK with it. Now, if he's neglecting you, or coming in a just giving you slut talk, instead of loving words to HIS WIFE, then there is a major problem, IMO. Once in a while "slut talk" is fine. But that is either for booty calls, or slut talk. And I am SO sorry that he is treating you like that.

Toys shouldn't be an issue either. I mean, he TOLD YOU to get better in bed, you are trying, but not to his liking? How fair is that??

I am a bit steamed for you. Sorry, but this is how I see it, just from what you've said.

Good luck!!

[kristine]

Gabby82,

Wow! Just like all the other responses, the problem is not you.

I wish you luck and hopefully something can work out or change for the better. Keep us posted, you sound like a great gal trying to make a stressful and complicated situation better for everyone.

Kristine

[teedosgirl]

Gabby, I so totally understand the stress you went through while your husband was away and I've been where you are. About 3 and a half years ago my daughters dad was killed in iraq. So when you say that the whole family goes to war you are soooo right. Then my husband now went to iraq, oh my was that scary. Well while I awaited his return, I had all these ideas and expectations from him. But wow was I wrong. Yeah we had sex but it just wasn't the same. Hell, he wasn't the same when he got back. No he never fired at anyone either but he knew what was going on and apparantly that was enough. I was sooo frustrated cause I wanted so much more and just like you the more i tried the more he rejected. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep.

I will say it did get better, but after a lot of patience on my part. The both of us had to learn how to readjust to each others life styles, wants and needs. Basically we had to leave sex out of it for awhile so that we could get back to just being US. You obvioulsy love your husband or you wouldn't put yourself through the torment, god knows it takes a lot of courage. Some may not like my advice but I would suggest putting sex out of it for awhile. Just get to know each other again. Let him and you adjust to life together again. You've both been without eachother for so long that you probably learned how to adapt and then to just jump right back in well its hard for both. Just take your time. It will get better cause it obviously cant get any worse.

[Gabby82]

Wow I am sorry about your first husband. That was my nightmares for the last couple of years and I would never wish it on anyone. Everyone has mentioned counseling and I'll tell you what happened to that. I did call the military counseling system. I got appointments for us to do marraigge counseling. He refused to go saying that he didn't have the problems with our marriage I did so I needed it. I went by myself. There wasn't much that I could do by myself. All it did was make each of the problems and why I was having them seem clearer. I suggested he go to counseling for the porn again he refused and wouldn't call. Since I thought he might have a problem with going to someone he thought was meant for sick people and he's not sick I suggested he go see the Bishop of our church. He's a nice amdn who we both feel comfortable with. He went and saw him for 30 min. and that was it. My family says, and a few other preople say that I should make the calls and set the appointments for him. OK I can do that but I can't wrestle him into a car to go. I know he knows we are having issues and refuses to go. Some people think I should tell him he has to go. I have a problem with that. He is an adult. He knows his wants and needs. I am not his mother nor do I want to be I have two children already and do not want any more. Especially one three years older than me. I have talked the counseling issue to death. I ambeating a dead horse with a broken stick. Not that I am going to give up mentioning it every once in a while. Basically my asking for advice is asking for another angle. I have tried the obvious and a lot of not so obvious approahes.. I thought that if I started with our sex lives, something that is so intimate and bonding that it would start the ball rolling for the rest. Thanks for your thoughts I appreciate them.

Gabby, I so totally understand the stress you went through while your husband was away and I've been where you are. About 3 and a half years ago my daughters dad was killed in iraq. So when you say that the whole family goes to war you are soooo right. Then my husband now went to iraq, oh my was that scary. Well while I awaited his return, I had all these ideas and expectations from him. But wow was I wrong. Yeah we had sex but it just wasn't the same. Hell, he wasn't the same when he got back. No he never fired at anyone either but he knew what was going on and apparantly that was enough. I was sooo frustrated cause I wanted so much more and just like you the more i tried the more he rejected. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep.

I will say it did get better, but after a lot of patience on my part. The both of us had to learn how to readjust to each others life styles, wants and needs. Basically we had to leave sex out of it for awhile so that we could get back to just being US. You obvioulsy love your husband or you wouldn't put yourself through the torment, god knows it takes a lot of courage. Some may not like my advice but I would suggest putting sex out of it for awhile. Just get to know each other again. Let him and you adjust to life together again. You've both been without eachother for so long that you probably learned how to adapt and then to just jump right back in well its hard for both. Just take your time. It will get better cause it obviously cant get any worse.

[Maxiega]

Gabby,

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm new to the board, but I'm not new to being an Army wife. My husband just got from Iraq last September. He is a Combat Engineer, and unfortunately he did see a lot of action. He has talked about it a little but tends to clam up if things get to hard for him. I don't know what your hubby does in the military, but I'm willing to bet he saw more than he is telling you about. I have been married 19 years so this is not our first combat tour. However, it is the first tour that he came back a totally different person. I don't know what is so much worse about this conflict but it is the worst I have seen as far as the soldiers coming back different. I was a family readiness group leader and I can't tell you how many wives called saying they didn't know their husband's anymore. I think Howard hit it on the head. Your husband has to get intrigated back into the civilan world. Trust me your problems go much further and are much deeper rooted than you sex life. I read your posts and I felt like I was watching my life in a movie. We don't have children, so that makes it a little easier. I don't know when he got back but give him time. This is a very difficult time for both of you. I know what it's like waiting for that phone call, and because I was the senior wife, I had to go to the homes of the family's that got that "phone call". Needless to say it was very long year. If your husband won't get help, you join a support group. Most wives suffer from as mush Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as the soldiers do. They are just starting to reconize it. You are not the only who is having problems. Even though we have since left that unit, I still keep in touch with most of the wives and I'm seeing more and more problems crop upas the time goes by. I really can't give you any tips for sex life because mine is worse than you can imagine. One of the reasons I found this place. But as a military wife I would be willing to help anyway I can. Hang in there, the man that you fell in love with and married is in there somewhere, you just have to find him again. Good Luck.

God Bless,

Maxie