How Do You Just Let Go?

[kmt]

Hi folks,

I am new to the forums and have done lots of reading. Other than introducing myself, this is my first post and I have a question. How do you let go during sex??? I was raised Catholic and very sheltered. I was taught that women weren't supposed to enjoy sex and that it was just a duty to satisfy my husband. At one point I was even considering becoming a nun. Well instead I got married and rejected all those childhood teaching and actually wanted to enjoy sex, but not without a ton of guilt. My husband of almost 32 years was a selfish lover if I can even call him a lover at all. There was very little foreplay. He got right to the point and when it was over, it was over. In the beginning when I approached him for sex I usually got turned down and that crushed me to the point that I just stopped asking because I couldn't handle the rejection. The last few years there was no sex at all because he couldn't get an erection. This started when he was 40. Of course, I believed that his problem was my fault. A Catholic upbringing will do that to a person and I readily accepted this. I was too fat, not pretty enough, not exciting enough or whatever. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep for years because I loved this man and he didn't want me. In the end he got into religion so heavily and now believes he is Jesus Christ. There was drugs involved with him, religious delusions, bi-polar disorder and life had gotten very bizzare. I ended up on depression meds for about 5 years.

I am out of that relationship now and moving forward but not without a ton of baggage. My upbringing and my marriage have left me with lots of scars. I have no confidence, low self esteem, fears, insecurities and whatnot. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is so gentle with me because he knows how I am struggling. In bed he is so loving and unselfish it amazes me. He sees beauty where I see ugliness.

I could go on and on. I have so much in my mind that I want to say but to put it in writing, well it gets all confused.

Here is my problem. I have learned over the years to not express any sexual feelings, for fear of rejection and because of the sin factor. I can't let go, and I want to so badly. I can't tell my man when I want him because I feel that if he wanted me he would make the first move. I feel that I don't deserve sexual pleasure and any sexual needs I may have are wrong and to just surpress them. When we are in bed together my mind just will not let me focus on what we are doing. I always worry about not being able to orgasm or that I am taking too long and that of course prevents me many times from orgasming. I am afraid to tell him what I want or like because I'm not even sure myself. I am so inexperienced sexually and I am afraid of acting or sounding stupid or just plain looking disgusting in my mans eyes.

How the hell do I stop these thought patterns? How do I just say fuck it and let? I want this more than anything.

[shdowulf39]

my best advice is see a professional.they have the knowledge and experience to help get you over your problems.

[Sunday]

I have a feeling this might be a long, step by step process. The very first step is honestly and openly discussing it with your guy. Then, as Shadow said, a professional might help the two of you work through it. It's not your problem alone. You have a loving kind man in your life. He'll want to help.

[ladylove]

I agree with the others, in part. Your sweetie cares for you, and seems willing to work with you, but some of the issues you have are deep seeded form childhood and if you feel like you're hitting a brick wall you alone need to seek help to over come the issues. Each baby set is a positive one. It's going to be a long road ahead, have fun and relax.

[chloegirl]

In addition to everything else posted above I suggest you also explore, read, and expose yourself to all sorts of websites, forums, stories, videos, etc. to let yourself become more attuned to the fact that everyone has the same thoughts, fantasies, and desires that you have and not only is it ok and normal but it is healthy, positive, and hot and will keep you young and empower you in ways you never would have imagined. Reading, seeing, hearing about their thoughts and experiences will slowly help to open you up and let that wall of toxic past indoctrination crumble. You're on your way! Just make up your mind to leave that repression behind and don't worry about being judged! Good luck!

[mailahn97]

I have been there, but mine was due to an abusive relationship. I went through a lot so I felt I did not deserve to be loved or to think that I am sexy. Thankfully about 2 years ago I found a wonderful man that was very patient with me. The first night we were together I was so bad with shutting down that he was thinking that he had done something wrong. It wasn't him it was me. My self esteem was the lowest and I was completely scared in my own skin. My previous was all about him and his pleasure and not mine. It would be maybe if I was lucky 15 minutes from foreplay to the shower. Whether I was pleased or not and with him being my only I didn't know any better. Than I tried light bondage with him and due to his lack of knowledge and not listening to me. I ended up having surgery and a lot of emotional scaring.

Thankfully when I met the caring man we had talked for a month then we met and had our first date. He was very patient and always making sure I was alright. We talked a lot. About a month or so into the relationship we sat down and I told him about being hurt during the light bondage. It was very difficult telling him but he let me tell it in my time.

I had trouble telling him what I wanted because just like you I was afraid of rejection. I still have a sliver of that at times, but it is a lot better than it used to be. Hell if he was busy and didn't call me like he normally would. Right away I would go off the deep end in my mind wondering what did I do to upset him. Thankfully that is better and doesn't happen anymore.

Tell you this much since I have worked through it and have let go I went from not having any orgasms to being multi-orgasmic, squirter and can tell him what my needs and wants are.

If you need to talk feel free to PM me if I can help you at all or you just need to talk.

I learned in time that I could trust him completely and let go. Once I did let go it was amazing. I still had little meltdowns but he understood and was patient with me. I would say it sounds like you have a great man there. In your own time as you feel comfortable be completely honest with him. If he truly loves you he will help you work through it and it will be worthwhile in the end. If he knows what is going on that will in turn help him to help you.

[luvmymp]

I am new at this too, but I think the counseling advice is good. I never hurts to talk to someone and maybe they will have some ideas for things you can try to do when that wall starts going up. Maybe breathing or something to keep you focused on what is going on.

I will say for me what I think has helped in the last few months is self exploration. If you don't have a toy I would get one and figure out what you like. You can then better know what to tell your guy that you like or enjoy.

[kmt]

Thank you all for your comments and input. I have thought about professional help and although I am not closing the door on that option, I think this forum could be a huge turning point for me. Just being here and reading and knowing that others have had the same experiences and feelings and hang-ups and are overcoming them gives me hope that I can too. I know I can because I want this. I am doing lots of reading and learning new things everyday. lol, actually it's embarrassing to realize how little I know at my age.

Too timid is a goldmine of resources and I plan on tapping into it all that I can. I consider myself more fortunate than a lot of woman who are going through what I am and are not able to change or simply choose not to, but rather just accept the situation as it is. I am fortunate to have a wonderful, patient and considerate man who loves me enough to help me through this. We do a lot of talking in and out of the bedroom and I am learning to trust and to let myself be loved. He sees beauty in me where I see ugliness. The body that makes me sick when I look in the mirror actually turns him on and if I can get myself to believe that, well that would be half my battle won.

I have come a long way, I am more open and less of a prude than I was even six months ago. I have gone from not being able to even say the word sex without getting embarrassed to joining a sex forum. I am able to talk to my adult daughters about sexual things and they are amazed at the changes in me. The first time my man took me into a sex toy shop I had to go out and sit in the car, and I cried. i have three toys now and the I actually asked for the third one, lol, wow. I already have number four on my wish list. I am on the verge of breaking out I just know it. The woman I killed off years ago out of necessity, the one with desires and passion and needs is inside and is begging to come out. All I need is a push.

[mnjon]

Wow... you go girl, I would say that like you had said... Your almost there... Take the time and let it happen, it does sound as though you have a good guy that is with you now and is taking his time with you, that is the key... Every one of my past girl friends have had issues sexually! So I do know you will clear the funk so to say of the past and come to know your sexual being that is in everyone of us.

Do yourself the favor and allow yourself time to find what feels good, do this alone and also with your partner...!! Most of all take it easy on yourself, we are often the hardest judges of ourselves and it doesn't have to be that way, Have fun with it, your sexual life has just begun.... and there is so much to explore. Take your time and you will be fine.

[kmt]

Wow... you go girl, I would say that like you had said... Your almost there... Take the time and let it happen, it does sound as though you have a good guy that is with you now and is taking his time with you, that is the key... Every one of my past girl friends have had issues sexually! So I do know you will clear the funk so to say of the past and come to know your sexual being that is in everyone of us.

Do yourself the favor and allow yourself time to find what feels good, do this alone and also with your partner...!! Most of all take it easy on yourself, we are often the hardest judges of ourselves and it doesn't have to be that way, Have fun with it, your sexual life has just begun.... and there is so much to explore. Take your time and you will be fine.

What you say about being the hardest judges is so true. A little encouragement can go a long way. Thank you Mnwolf.

[mailahn97]

I agree that is one thing he always reminds me to stop being so hard on myself. I have gotten better but I still regress into it at times. I am my worst critic. I know that but changing it well that is another thing. Best of luck to you.

[kmt]

I agree that is one thing he always reminds me to stop being so hard on myself. I have gotten better but I still regress into it at times. I am my worst critic. I know that but changing it well that is another thing. Best of luck to you.

Changing is hard work and at times very painful, but really, what are the alternatives? I have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets hard and I just want to quit.

[mailahn97]

Changing is hard work and at times very painful, but really, what are the alternatives? I have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets hard and I just want to quit.

Don't it will be worth it in the end. I promise you that. I have been through so many changes in the last two years that it amazes me, but I am so glad that I have been through them.

[ladylove]

Changing is hard work and at times very painful, but really, what are the alternatives? I have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets hard and I just want to quit.

Yes all you said is so true, but the freedom and joy you'll experience once you do, will compare to nothing you know.

[ginshreve]

The first step in making the changes you want is to make the decision to change. Once that decision is made, there is no "trying" - you either do it or you don't, and you seem well aware of the problems in failing to make those changes.

Just do one thing differently each time. Just risk one thing every time. I have found that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

[Tyger]

I would say that WAY TO GO was in order, first off! You're here! Searching for answers to questions that have probably bugged you all of your adult life! That is a HUGE first step!

Here's the thing, and please don't take me as prejudice against any religious beliefs, cuz I'm all for freedom of religion, but, in my experience, respectfully, the Catholic faith does a disservices to all of their people. It's a male dominated religion (brought up with mostly Catholics around me), and it's the man's job to procreate, but the woman must pop out babies and like it. Birth control was frowned upon (not sure if it still is for I have removed myself from keeping track of all of that), and if you had an independant thought, you were gonna go to hell. Forget about masturbation, for that was self-serving, and, again, you'd go to hell.

Here's a question I pose to a lot of people that can be thought of as extreme religious people: if God didn't want you to feel pleasure, as a woman, why did He make you feel anything? Why did He put a clitoris on you? How bad could it be if He designed us in His image, to feel with something He put on you & other women? Why is it OK for the man to have all the pleasure, and the woman none?

How is a couple suppose to have a successful life/relationship/marriage with that sort of, sorry to say, bullshit?? To have any sort of successful adult/couple relationship, you MUST have honest & open communication! Which also moves into the *gasp* bedroom! If one partner, man or woman, is unsatisfied sexually, it can, and WILL spill over into other aspects of the marriage. You are finding this (or found this) out.

Here's my thing/take on it: masturabation is your FRIEND. To learn how to please YOURSELF is the BEST way to find out what you like in the bedroom. Once you play with yourself, become comfortable enough to do so (which is one of the hardest hurdles, trust me), and RELAX enough to do so, the orgasm will come. However, don't TRY too hard. If you don't cum the first few times, that's ok too. It may take a few YEARS, but, in the meantime, you can try new things, positions, toys, even films if you like them. Go get some books on the female orgasm, and how some women get there. If you don't know your body, and what it likes, then you won't be able to cum. There's nothing wrong with learning at any age. If it embarrasses you to go to a bookstore, order some from here, or other sites. I get a lot of stuff from Amazon.com. You can search for practically anything, and you can get them shipped right to your door. If you're interested, I can look at the titles I've learned from, and you can PM me if you want the names of the books I have.

When back in the dating world, you will find that many men now appreciate a woman who knows what she wants. I would try and date away from your town you live in. That way, they don't know you, or how others know you, and have any pre-conceived notions on how you will/should act.

MASTURBATE!!! If you don't know how to please yourself, a man can't help get you there. Just saying, "whatever you like to do" isn't going to cut it. For example, some women like their breasts tugged on, some hard, some not so hard.....what if the man you're with is use to tugging really hard, and you don't like it? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, nicely, "I don't care for that, let's try this......"

I wish you much happiness, and self-exploration! Looking forward to more questions or discoveries you decide to post about!

[sass]

I can't think of a thing to add here. Yes, you will learn tons on here and isn't joining a sex site kind of liberating? It is an excellent step in the right direction. And I am so glad things are turning around for you. Happy exploration!!!

Edit: I did think of something to add! You mention at least a couple of time that you see ugliness where your new SO sees beauty in your body. I can relate to that very well. I look at myself naked and say "eewwww" when my husband will get an instant hard-on. I think that men really just have different tastes. Some men like very small women, some like those with a little meat on their bones, and some like those with a lot of meat on their bones.

I will see what I think men consider to be a hottie walking by and say something to that effect and my husband will say something like "too skinny," or "too made-up," "fake boobs," etc. We have these conversations because we have talked about inviting another woman into our bed at some time, so they are serious conversations. In "window shopping" (yeah, I know, we are terrible!), I have learned a lot about what my husband finds attractive in a women and it makes me understand more about how that instant hard-on happens when he sees me.

If you think about it, women are like that, too. Some like the tall, dark and handsom type while others like their men shorter, or with a fair complextion, or stocky, etc. I have a very good friend and we are very much a like. Her SO is blonde, prim-and-proper in appearance and works in an office. My husband has black hair, loves his "wife-beaters" and worked as a truck driver when we met. Both are great men - very different - but perfect for each of us.

OK, you see ugliness and he sees beauty - accept it and go with it. Variety is the spice of life and your SO likes what you have to offer. YAY him and for you!

[kmt]

The first step in making the changes you want is to make the decision to change. Once that decision is made, there is no "trying" - you either do it or you don't, and you seem well aware of the problems in failing to make those changes.

Just do one thing differently each time. Just risk one thing every time. I have found that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Everything you've said is true. I've made the decision, now the only thing stopping me is fear. Now I have to decide whether or not I am willing to let my fears rule the rest of my life. I think not. Thank you.

[kmt]

I would say that WAY TO GO was in order, first off! You're here! Searching for answers to questions that have probably bugged you all of your adult life! That is a HUGE first step!

Thank you Tyger.

Here's the thing, and please don't take me as prejudice against any religious beliefs, cuz I'm all for freedom of religion, but, in my experience, respectfully, the Catholic faith does a disservices to all of their people. It's a male dominated religion (brought up with mostly Catholics around me), and it's the man's job to procreate, but the woman must pop out babies and like it. Birth control was frowned upon (not sure if it still is for I have removed myself from keeping track of all of that), and if you had an independant thought, you were gonna go to hell. Forget about masturbation, for that was self-serving, and, again, you'd go to hell.

I agree with all of the above. At the early age of 7 (the age of reason) many a night I would be afraid to fall asleep lest I die and go to hell. Fear is a very strong weapon and the catholic church used it very successfully. And frankly, I am fucking pissed off!

Here's a question I pose to a lot of people that can be thought of as extreme religious people: if God didn't want you to feel pleasure, as a woman, why did He make you feel anything? Why did He put a clitoris on you? How bad could it be if He designed us in His image, to feel with something He put on you & other women? Why is it OK for the man to have all the pleasure, and the woman none?

Lol, I was one of those "extreme religious people" not too long ago. Growing up I was wanting to be a nun then in my high school years I had sort of a religious rebellion. After being married several years ( to a drunk who beat me at least once a week whether I needed it or not) my husband got sober and decided to get back to the church. It took me a while longer but I did eventually end up back in the church as well. It started out normal then we got a spiritual director and that was normal for a few years and then it all got so bizarre and I've come to discover (years later) that this was actually a cult-like group of people within the church and there was sexual abuse. Ironically, it was another catholic priest who told me that what I had done to me was sexual abuse. I didn't even realize that. I know this is all schetchy and a lot of the blanks aren't filled in but the end result is I was left over 20 years of my life stolen from me, a very bad case of clinical depression, a serious drinking problem and some self esteem issues that I don't know if I'll ever overcome. I also have a very hard time trusting anyone including my own self. I got myself treatment, was on anti-depressants for about five years. The drinking isn't a problem anymore thankfully and I got out of that marriage of almost 32 years.

How is a couple suppose to have a successful life/relationship/marriage with that sort of, sorry to say, bullshit?? To have any sort of successful adult/couple relationship, you MUST have honest & open communication! Which also moves into the *gasp* bedroom! If one partner, man or woman, is unsatisfied sexually, it can, and WILL spill over into other aspects of the marriage. You are finding this (or found this) out.

Here's my thing/take on it: masturabation is your FRIEND. To learn how to please YOURSELF is the BEST way to find out what you like in the bedroom. Once you play with yourself, become comfortable enough to do so (which is one of the hardest hurdles, trust me), and RELAX enough to do so, the orgasm will come. However, don't TRY too hard. If you don't cum the first few times, that's ok too. It may take a few YEARS, but, in the meantime, you can try new things, positions, toys, even films if you like them. Go get some books on the female orgasm, and how some women get there. If you don't know your body, and what it likes, then you won't be able to cum. There's nothing wrong with learning at any age. If it embarrasses you to go to a bookstore, order some from here, or other sites. I get a lot of stuff from Amazon.com. You can search for practically anything, and you can get them shipped right to your door. If you're interested, I can look at the titles I've learned from, and you can PM me if you want the names of the books I have.

I have entered the world of self discovery and am trying to learn all I can about my body, my sexual needs and desires. I have pretty much rejected all the old teachings as bullshit but there is still something inside me that wants to make me believe I am committing a sin, by masturbating, living with my SO and having sex with him outside of marriage and all the other crap that was forced down my throat over the years.

When back in the dating world, you will find that many men now appreciate a woman who knows what she wants. I would try and date away from your town you live in. That way, they don't know you, or how others know you, and have any pre-conceived notions on how you will/should act.

MASTURBATE!!! If you don't know how to please yourself, a man can't help get you there. Just saying, "whatever you like to do" isn't going to cut it. For example, some women like their breasts tugged on, some hard, some not so hard.....what if the man you're with is use to tugging really hard, and you don't like it? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, nicely, "I don't care for that, let's try this......"

I wish you much happiness, and self-exploration! Looking forward to more questions or discoveries you decide to post about!

I could go on and on I guess but a little at a time. Thanks for your reply Tyger. The more I vent and hear other peoples thoughts the more it erases the old tapes and replaces them with new. I am very happy to have found TT.

[kmt]

lol, this would have been a double post so I deleted it. Still learning how the board works.

Edited December 30, 2009 by sexualhealing

[kmt]

I can't think of a thing to add here. Yes, you will learn tons on here and isn't joining a sex site kind of liberating? It is an excellent step in the right direction. And I am so glad things are turning around for you. Happy exploration!!!

Edit: I did think of something to add! You mention at least a couple of time that you see ugliness where your new SO sees beauty in your body. I can relate to that very well. I look at myself naked and say "eewwww" when my husband will get an instant hard-on. I think that men really just have different tastes. Some men like very small women, some like those with a little meat on their bones, and some like those with a lot of meat on their bones.

I will see what I think men consider to be a hottie walking by and say something to that effect and my husband will say something like "too skinny," or "too made-up," "fake boobs," etc. We have these conversations because we have talked about inviting another woman into our bed at some time, so they are serious conversations. In "window shopping" (yeah, I know, we are terrible!), I have learned a lot about what my husband finds attractive in a women and it makes me understand more about how that instant hard-on happens when he sees me.

If you think about it, women are like that, too. Some like the tall, dark and handsom type while others like their men shorter, or with a fair complextion, or stocky, etc. I have a very good friend and we are very much a like. Her SO is blonde, prim-and-proper in appearance and works in an office. My husband has black hair, loves his "wife-beaters" and worked as a truck driver when we met. Both are great men - very different - but perfect for each of us.

OK, you see ugliness and he sees beauty - accept it and go with it. Variety is the spice of life and your SO likes what you have to offer. YAY him and for you!

Yes he does and I love him for that but I am also afraid that someday the blinders will come off and he will see what I see. I am 58, had five kids and at have battled with weight most of my life. Now, the weight is off and I am told by many, including my kids that I am hot, a MILF and some of my son's friends (17 year olds) told him he has a hot mom. And with clothes on I'll admit I have turned a few heads. It's when the clothes come off that's ugly. I see sagging boobs, sagging ass and stretch marks and all this is a reminder to me of how bad I let myself go. But he loves it, go figure!

[ginshreve]

Sexualhealing, I am no religious scholar (not by a long shot!!) but religious law has many assumptions and stereotypes that, if you read the Word carefully, you will not find.

All of the 10 commandments basically boil down to two: "love God" and "love one another". The commandment about adultery really says nothing about living with someone outside of marriage, it just says not to covet someone else's spouse (by which is a way of respecting other people, and which falls under the "love one another" category). And if you read Jesus's words carefully, you will find that he really only gave us two instructions: to make Peace and to help the poor. Enjoying sex with your lover does not violate any of these instructions. Fundamentalist viewpoints will have you believe that you are living in sin in God's eyes, but a careful reading of the Bible for yourself will not uncover anything like that. As I said, I am no Bible scholar, but a wonderful former lover was and I have taken his interpretations to heart, as this version makes much more sense, coming from a loving Creator.

Many believe that God is actually in each of us, and loving one another as we love God is the highest form of worship. I have chosen to believe that sexual pleasure was given to us to enjoy, and that full enjoyment of this is one of the highest forms of worship. God wants us to enjoy each other just as we enjoy a beautiful sunset or the smell of the ocean, and there is no limit to this.

So let go of those limiting beliefs and begin to see your love as pleasing to the Creator. You can really choose to believe whatever you like, as who really knows the truth other than what is in their heart?

[kmt]

Sexualhealing, I am no religious scholar (not by a long shot!!) but religious law has many assumptions and stereotypes that, if you read the Word carefully, you will not find.

All of the 10 commandments basically boil down to two: "love God" and "love one another". The commandment about adultery really says nothing about living with someone outside of marriage, it just says not to covet someone else's spouse (by which is a way of respecting other people, and which falls under the "love one another" category). And if you read Jesus's words carefully, you will find that he really only gave us two instructions: to make Peace and to help the poor. Enjoying sex with your lover does not violate any of these instructions. Fundamentalist viewpoints will have you believe that you are living in sin in God's eyes, but a careful reading of the Bible for yourself will not uncover anything like that. As I said, I am no Bible scholar, but a wonderful former lover was and I have taken his interpretations to heart, as this version makes much more sense, coming from a loving Creator.

Many believe that God is actually in each of us, and loving one another as we love God is the highest form of worship. I have chosen to believe that sexual pleasure was given to us to enjoy, and that full enjoyment of this is one of the highest forms of worship. God wants us to enjoy each other just as we enjoy a beautiful sunset or the smell of the ocean, and there is no limit to this.

So let go of those limiting beliefs and begin to see your love as pleasing to the Creator. You can really choose to believe whatever you like, as who really knows the truth other than what is in their heart?

Hi Moontide, letting go of my old beliefs is exactly where I am at this time. Thank you for your input.

[ladylove]

Hi Moontide, letting go of my old beliefs is exactly where I am at this time. Thank you for your input.

Are you making progress SH?

[ladylove]

Hi Moontide, letting go of my old beliefs is exactly where I am at this time. Thank you for your input.

Are you making progress SH?