Girlfriend At Sons Wedding?

[telecom69]

My 21 yr old son may be getting married later this year, and he told my daughter that my girlfriend won't be invited. My ex (sons mother) and my girlffiend have never met and I know my ex doesn't care for her since ex is still trying to get back with me 18 months later. I get along with me son fine, but if my girlfriend can't go, I don't wont to go. I'm sure my ex will say my girfriend is not wanted at the wedding. I've been with my girlfriend for about 16 months and she would like to go. My son is polite to my girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't really care for her since she is dads girfriend and its hard for him to accept that dad has moved on while his mom hasn't and is trying to get back together with me, even though the ex is the one who had the affair (with her daughters husband), stole money from me, etc. My girlfriend has never tried d to be their mother, and is always polite and friendly to my kids, so it isn't fair the way they treat her.

What is your opinion about my girlfriend being at the wedding? If I really think it may cause problems at his wedding, I of course would not bring her. I still need to discuss this more with my son.

Thanks..

Telecom

[nosleepnmesa]

Well Telecom69, our famlily went threw a similair thing. My sister was getting married and at the time my mother and father were divorced, my dad had be dating his new girlfriend for about 1.5yr. Well my mother and her have never met my sister said that she is not going to be aloud to come to the wedding. Since it was her wedding, and she wanted her mom and dad only, but here is the kicker,it was also not okay for the my mom to bring her new bf.

Needless to say it HIGHLY upset my father and also my mother, I really didnt understand this at all and in fact 10yrs later I still dont understand it completely. Well wedding day came and my sister and dad and all talk all the way till that day, needless to say my sister wasnt changing her mind no matter what. Well my father didnt come and told my sister that if his new girlfriend couldnt come then he wasnt going to go,my mother said the same thing to her. Wedding day came and my sister had a back up(my uncle) to give her away just in case our father didnt show up, since his girlfriend wasnt aloud.Well neither my father nor my mother showed up since their new SO was not aloud to go.

I understand my sister point of view a little bit, it was her first wedding and although our parents were no longer togeather she didnt want any problems, mind you even though they have never met nor saw each other ect...That doesnt mean that there wasnt the possiblity of a problem occuring although I wouldnt think there would have been. My sister paid a high price and it broke her heart to have neither at her wedding.

I know that this situtation is different since I am assuming that your x doesnt have a new, Since she is trying to get you back. My sister regrets the decision she made, but when I asked her if she would change it she said no even though she regrets it. She has stated that the reason behind her decision was for a cople of reasons.One since the news havent ever met she didnt want her wedding to be the place in case there was problems, and second off(she said she was being selfish)that she only wanted her parents so when she had children she didnt have to explain who the others were exspecially if they werent togeather. Now I have 5 children and if this situation arised with them I would have to say I wouldnt take my new or anything else to there wedding exspecialy if my child said no. Would I still go to the wedding of course. Would I have my son or daughter explain to me in more detail why, if course.

I think I would find out exsactly why he doesnt want her to go,and then the of course the ultimate decision is yours He of course may still although he is an adult may still be upset that his parents are no longer togeather. He may also be saying this so X isnt hurt by the new, myself being female and although it hasnt been that long that you two have went your seperate ways your x being that she is trying to get back with may be extremely jealous by her and son may know this without actually coming right out and saying it and doesnt want any discomfort on anyones part at his wedding.

My opion on this issue is that if your son has stated that he doesnt want her there and he is persistant on it then I would NOT take her. Although it may not cause a fight it may cause discomfort to not only your X but others, I cant really say but I being that it is his wedding and his day per say I Think I would respect his wishes because if he says no still and you show up with her it not only is going to make him upset on a very important special day of his life but prolly others as well.

Good luck and keep us posted on it

[Mikayla1]

Here is the deal, your son is NOT a child, he is 21. What if you didn't like his fiance? Would you just boycott the wedding? You and your ex are divorced, it is going to stay that way from what I understand. I believe his dislike for the girlfriend has nothing to do with her in paricular, but instead with her taking "Mom's spot" - which is a little childish for a 21 year old.

Now, it is his wedding, and he doesn have a right to invite whom he wishes, but if he were to put "cousin Jack & guest" he wouldn't be monitoring who cousin Jack brought as a guest would he? NO! Your kids are attempting to create drama in your life just to create drama.

I suggest you sit down with them, all of them, and simply say, "Life goes on guys, Mom & I got divorced, it was a good thing that we did. We are both better off. I have a gf that I like (love) and care for. She is a part of my life now. You don't have to like her, you don't have to understand, you don't even have to care - but you do have to support MY choice because it is MY choice, and be repectful of her and I. I have always tried to support each of you in your own personal choices, and as your father I expect that respect from each of you....period"

Something like that. Then tell your son that you are happy he found the love of his life, the woman he wants to spend his life with. That you would never deny him that happiness. Then say, "I am sorry that your Mom wasn't my forever, but she just wasn't. I am not sure if (insert gf name here) is my forever, but she is my right now, and you have got to support and respect that" Tell him you are going to bring her to the wedding, she wants to celebrate his day of happiness because SHE is happy for him. Tell him to grow up and get past this petty shit.

That is what I would do. You are the parent, they are the ADULT children, they need to act like it!

JUst my opinion,

Mikayla

[hrnychick]

I think people make total asses out of themselves about attending weddings and other functions. My mother did not like a woman I was dating, and tried to bar me from taking her to my brother's wedding. I told my brother she was coming or I wasn't. I was the best man, so she attended, sharing a table with my favorite aunt, while I sat up on the dais, and squired around a Bridesmaid, who was the Bride's kid sister. It was okay. When I attended my cousin's funeral, his widow asked his children to tell their mother not to attend the services. The Exwife had been very mean and ugly about their relationship, even after 10 years! The widow just didn't want the woman in the funeral chapel. I didn't blame her, but it was a little hard on the 4 kids. Considering how my cousin felt about his ex-wife, its probably best that she did not attend, as he might have risen out of that casket, and hit her! She was long overdue, for all the lies, and crap she pulled to estrange him from his children.

I have a good friend whose step daughter asked him and her natural father to walk her down the aisle for her wedding, so she could be given away by both of them. ( thought that was a very creative, and thoughtful compromise, sine the natural father had made no effort to contact her for years, and she had been raised by her step father, my friend. The natural father told his daughter that if he could not walk her down the aisle alone, he was not coming to the wedding. She got so mad, she told him that if he didn't come to her wedding, she was through with him, and he didn't have a daughter any more. He didn't and she has communicated with him since, even to tell him he is a grandfather.

I think you want to attend your son's wedding. The world is not going to end if your new girlfriend does not attend with you. Don't miss the wedding. It is a very special day for your son, and hopefully he won't have another day like it. Do talk to both your son and his bride, and explain that they should resolve never to act like his parents have been acting should this situation occur in their own lives. My older sister, BTW, sat on my mother, laying down the social rules that she was to be gracious and polite to my girlfriend, and say nothing nasty to her or about her to anyone there. It worked, and my mother behaved herself. But, my sister watched her like a hawk, and mother knew she was being watched. If you do have other children, maybe one or more of them can intercede to muzzle their mother, so that you can take your gf to the wedding with you. But, leave the choice up to your son and his bride. It is their wedding Day, and they should have the ultimate choice. You can have a picture taken of you in your finery with your gf at home to add to the wedding album, no?

Howard I dont understand your point.....YOU said you would not attend your brothers wedding if your girlfriend couldnt be there and so she was able to join you so you could attend. Now youre telling Telecom the world wont end if his gf isnt with him at the wedding???? This person (like your gf to you at that time) is special in his life right now and a special day is coming up so ofcourse he would want her to share in that with him.....just like you wanted your gf to be with you.

[telecom69]

Howard I dont understand your point.....YOU said you would not attend your brothers wedding if your girlfriend couldnt be there and so she was able to join you so you could attend. Now youre telling Telecom the world wont end if his gf isnt with him at the wedding???? This person (like your gf to you at that time) is special in his life right now and a special day is coming up so ofcourse he would want her to share in that with him.....just like you wanted your gf to be with you.

Good advice from all. Thanks! It keeps me from going to Dr Phil or Jerry Springer!

Telecom

[hrnychick]

Telecom,

Like others have posted I too think you have to talk to your son and soon. Yes it is his day but to ask his own father not to bring his new gf is a bit uncalled for......I could only understand him requesting that if and only if HE knew there would be trouble......maybe he knows how your ex would react and thats why he is giving you a heads up.......so talk to him and find out the story.

If its not because of trouble looming and only because HE doesnt want her there then he better understand that someday it maybe him walking in those shoes......after all it wasnt YOU that cheated so if he should be upset with anyone for the marriage not working it should be with you ex (his mother). I think you should talk to him and tell him how things are......the marriage ended....and you moved on.....you are happy now and he should be happy that you are.....you want to share in his special day and you want your gf to attend as well......you can take pictures with her in them so no need to explain who is who if someone later on ( like grandchildtren ask) but who know by then you may be married to your gf then what......you cant bring your new wife to your grandchilds birthday party? If you dont make it clear to your kid(s) now when will it ever end?

Hrnychick

[Tyger]

Telling your son that if your GF isn't invited, then you aren't coming would have dire consequences in your relationship with your son. And your son would blame, not you, but unreasonably, your GF for your actions.

It is hard for older children to let go of their parents as a single unit.

Try reasoning with him, as mentioned, "We're divorced, that's the way it is, and that's what you're going to have to accept. We weren't good for each other as we grew older, and we grew apart". That way, you're not bad-mouthing her, and not putting blame on one person. It sounds fairer.

It may cause extreme discomfort for your son to see you with your GF, and you never know what your ex may say or do when she meets the GF. So, maybe it is best that she not attend the wedding. That way, your son's mother will be comfortable, there is no watching and waiting for a bomb to drop, and so on.

Attend the reception for a short period of time, get the pictures and toasts out of the way, then graciously leave. Or maybe gently ask if she can attend just the reception? That may be a good compromise.

It's his and his wife-to-be's day, so their comfort and happiness, if only for that day, should come first.

[sam7970]

Calling this man's son childish, no matter what age he is, is not fair. No matter how old a child is, it will always be difficult to watch your parents split up and move on with other people. He has the right to invite who ever he wants to HIS wedding, and as Telecom said, the son has been polite to his girlfriend, so it's not like the son has been disrespecting her all along. The father needs to respect the son's wishes, and if he can't deal with not having the girlfriend at the wedding with him, don't go. But, it would be a BIG mistake not to go.

[whiskeywoman]

tell your son straight up the way it is.

Don't sugar coat the issue or make threats, don't try and placate him with deals and make no comprimises, this is known as "tough love"

Tell him you understand that he is upset about the divorce and that he may resent your new lady for trying to take his moms place.

Tell them that the your lady can never replace their mom, for that simple reason right there, she is their mom and your lady can never have that certain bond with them.

Explain to him that you are hurt by his not wanting your lady there.

There is also no reason that they should punish her for what transpired between you and their mother.

Although he is an adult and it is his wedding, and he should be happy.

YOU also have every right to be happy as well, do not let him dictate your life by telling you what you can and can not do, which is EXACTLY what he is doing in this situation.

His making you miserable is making him happy, also commonly known as sadism.

As a parent, it is a milestone for you.

For your eldest child to have made the biggest step he will ever make when he says "I do"

It is a once in a lifetime oppertunity for you both.

I understand it is a hard choice for you to have to make, and a wonderful gesture for you to want to include your lady in such a joyful time in both yours and your sons lives.

It is truely a crime that he would rather see you both miserable than to allow you both to celebrate the joy that is his special day.

[telecom69]

tell your son straight up the way it is.

Don't sugar coat the issue or make threats, don't try and placate him with deals and make no comprimises, this is known as "tough love"

Tell him you understand that he is upset about the divorce and that he may resent your new lady for trying to take his moms place.

Tell them that the your lady can never replace their mom, for that simple reason right there, she is their mom and your lady can never have that certain bond with them.

Explain to him that you are hurt by his not wanting your lady there.

There is also no reason that they should punish her for what transpired between you and their mother.

Although he is an adult and it is his wedding, and he should be happy.

YOU also have every right to be happy as well, do not let him dictate your life by telling you what you can and can not do, which is EXACTLY what he is doing in this situation.

His making you miserable is making him happy, also commonly known as sadism.

As a parent, it is a milestone for you.

For your eldest child to have made the biggest step he will ever make when he says "I do"

It is a once in a lifetime oppertunity for you both.

I understand it is a hard choice for you to have to make, and a wonderful gesture for you to want to include your lady in such a joyful time in both yours and your sons lives.

It is truely a crime that he would rather see you both miserable than to allow you both to celebrate the joy that is his special day.

I've talked to my gf and she understands about not coming, but I can tell she is a little hurt. The worse problem is my sisters, who HATE my ex for her affair with our daughters husband and what my she did to our kids, which are my sisters nieces and nephews. My daughter lost her mother and husband at the same time because of the affair, although her husband was a fucking loser. 1.5 years later and she has never recovered from that emotionally. I hurt him pretty bad later on and he never pressed charges. He stole from me to, which really pissed me off. I'm 47 and he was 20 and big, but wasn't a very good fighter. My bigger issue is my sisters love my son and want to see him get married. But, when they see my ex they will want to mess her up. I'm serious. In the end, I'll probably tell my sisters it won't be a good idea for them to come. They will probably understand and not want to upset their nephews wedding day.

Telecom

[whiskeywoman]

Well,

It sounds as though the whole situation is a major mess.

Your sister's should not be excluded from such an occasion because of their dislike for your ex wife.

Just tell them that she will be attending the wedding, and you and your son and his new bride would appreciate it if they would use a bit of self control in regards to your ex wife.

weddings are stressful enough with the making of the arrangments, now add in bad blood to all of that, well, it can be bad news and even more stressful than saying the vows.

I wish you the best of luck.

Whiskey