Want Vs. Need

[Seven]

My husband explained to me this morning that I shouldn't need a penis or him to fulfill my needs. He said there was a difference between want and need and sometimes I needed it. What if he was paralyzed?

He said, "you're always saying how masturbation isn't as satisfying for you, how you need me and how you want my cock." Yeah, I say that and it's true. I never get off as hard masturbating but it isn't that he's a tool, it's that he turns me on and I look into his eyes and I love him. I explained that to him. He said I punish him for not wanting me. Well, yeah - I get upset after awhile, I'm not trying to punish him but I do get irritable and tend to snap at people after awhile. And that sex for me was a need. Yeah, it is ... I mean, I kinda thought people had that need.

One member on this forum put it really well,

"for ME--sex doesn't mean anything if there is not some type of "connection". I think there are a lot of women who feel this way too.I have told my husband time and time again that without some type of emotional connection SEX IS MEANINGLESS for me."

I'm the same way. Intimacy and being loved are intertwined with sex in my marriage. Back when I was single, honestly I didn't care. If I was in the mood I went to visit a friend and we took care of that and had a few laughs. We both understood it was a physical thing.

My husband is really good at sex. He lasts from 20-30 minutes and turns me on like crazy. But lately I feel like he is holding back in the emotional intimacy department. He doesn't want to make out, and if he does kiss he wants to make sure there are no strings attached. It does not mean we will be having sex later. During one week out of the month my hormones go crazy and I can't help but turn into a sex kitten. I dress sexy, act sexy and well....I really want it. Other times of the month aren't so bad...I can kinda tune it out.

I work out at the gym and eat right so I like to think that I'm actually a little bit sexy.

I don't feel sexy, beautiful, loved, wanted, cherished etc. right now.

He said that he would give it to me when he felt like it was right and as a special gift. To me this sounded like, 'when I'm in the mood I'll do you a favor and let you feel my cock.'

I don't understand this. I'm trying to wrap my head around how I will take care of my own needs. Not want him until he wants me. Appreciate his special gift and keep my trap shut if I want it any other time.

I feel so stupid and humiliated. God, there I was wearing sexy pink undies thinking I was hot and I just was "a duty to perform".

Honestly I'm not sure if I can take care of my sexual needs by myself. And I'm not so sure if I have to take care of my needs by myself that I will still want him at all. Maybe it is selfish and horrible, but I'm a little wild, I have wigs and short school girl skirts and lots of toys - unused. I've begged him to just give me a try, just let me be me and that I think he would like it. The thing is, I'm not longing for toys or porn - I want to get frisky. It's kinda a want and a need.

He says he's under a lot of stress right now and I just add to it. All his stress seems to be my fault. He has a PS3 (new), a modded xbox 360 -- you know -- lots of fun things. I shop thrift for my clothing, I don't spend much and I cook and clean just to prove to him that he can trust me, that he can have all his fun stuff and he doesn't have to give it up in order to love me.

I feel so horrible right now and unloved and unwanted. He says stuff like, "well maybe I need viagra" - I pointed out that it doesn't make you horny, just hard. he said, oh. I can't help but think, 'wow, wouldn't it be nice to have a guy who WANTED me and thought, holy yeah - bring it on sexy.'

Sorry to go on about this. I didn't want to tell anyone I knew in real life because maybe anyone would think I'm a freak. Don't mean to whine. Can anyone explain this want/need thing to me? Should I really wait until he feels like it? He said that maybe as early as a couple of days from now he would want it. Meanwhile I have to sleep by someone I can't have. Sucks.

[T0920K]

To me it sounds like there is something else thats bothering him. An underlying cause so to speak. If not in your releationship maybe in his health. There are many things that can lower a mans sex drive like high blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

[harmanwk]

Other factors that can lower a man's sex drive especially STRESS! Another possibility could be low-T or low testosterone.

And yes, there is a difference between want and need. We need to eat, but we may want steak and lobster.

Everyone needs to feel loved the only problem is that we do not always receive it in a manner we prefer. Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The 5 Love Languages" One possibility is that your hubby is not feeling loved in the "language" he prefers. That does not mean that you do not love him or that you are not trying to show that you love him. He may feel love from affirmation, but does not register love so much from touch. This is by no means the solution to your situation, but if you wish to explore it further (it won't hurt anything) check out the site www.5lovelanguages.com It has a short description of each language and an online assessment.

I hope things work out. I definately know what it is like to be the one wanting more sex in a relationship and it is not always easy. Hang in there.

[WendyNY]

I can relate to what you are going through. I do have a higher sex drive than my husband. Oh, he doesn't ever make me feel unwanted in the way that you are feeling though. Sometimes it is frustrating. My husband had (still has) a hard time dealing with my increased sex drive. I guess you could say that I reached my "sexual peak" very, very late in life. Maybe 2 - 2/2 yrs ago or so.(I will be 45 this summer) It comes and goes now as does yours. There is always that time in the month where like you, I go "crazy". It is completely normal for women to feel like that. My husband seemed to think there was something wrong with me at first. I was never this sexual before. We had such a hard time with sex in the beginning too, so there are issues with us. (we were both virgins) Sex was painful for me. I would do everything possible to get out of having sex for a long time . We have overcome a lot of the problems we had. We communicate so much more now. (Don't get me wrong--- we still have our ups and downs---but things are much better)

There is the problem of my husband's lack of sex drive presently now. I guess with your husband it could be a lot of things. Men handle stress very differently than women do. I read your story to my husband to see what he thought the problem was. He mentioned that your husband does have time to play his "games" (XBox etc.....) Without really knowing the two of you, it's hard to pinpoint the "problem".

You are definitely a sexy woman !! Don't let him not "wanting" you make you feel otherwise. There are lots of times where I want sex or some type of closeness with my husband. We've talked enough about this- that when I am in the mood and he is not, he will try to please me or just hold me while I pleasure myself . And when I'm not in the mood, I will do the same for him. It's "giving and receiving". It's being unselfish enough to give your spouse or partner the love that they need (or just "want") There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be loved by your husband.

I think you and he need to take a good hard look at your relationship and talk about what is going on now. Was is different when you first got married ? How long have you been married ? It's easier said than done to just tell you to sit down and have a talk with him. But you have to speak up or you will end up resenting him and yes.........possibly looking elsewhere. (and no one would blame you for it)

[ladylove]

I understand your husbands confusion, mine went through it too. However, I do believe want and need are intertwined, most of the time. Is your sexuality affecting your relationship negatively?

[Kace]

Just discovered this thread. I completely sympathize Seven! I would put fulfilling sex in the "need" category - without it there's no reinforcement of those critical bonds that make a couple. Don't let his lack of desire make you feel like you're not the smokin' vixen you know you are. Sex drives wax and wane, sometimes its more waning. It's hard not to take your partner's disinterest in sex personally. When you say he's "holding out in the emotional intimacy department", he likely has no idea what that means. Guys in general aren't so good at knowing how to express emotion. For many of us this comes from an upbringing where showing emotion equates to weakness - it's a hole in the armor that someone is going to exploit. It's easier to withdraw emotionally and convince yourself you don't need or want sex than it is to open up.

The bit about him giving you sex as a "special gift" is pure douchebaggery. Sex isn't less special when it's frequent. I've heard the same thing from my SO - it's just an excuse.

[sass]

The question of what is an actual "need" is a little difficult to answer. There are the basic needs humans have for food, water and shelter. Can we live without sex? Well, yes, it won't kill us to go without. However, I think one has to look at it deeper than that. Do any of us want to simply exist? Do we not want to be happy in our existance? I think we do, and for many of us, a full-filling sex life is a true need to make that happen. Some may not need it and not understand it as a need, but for those who require an emotional bond and sexual releases to be happy, then yes, I would say it is a need.

There are millions of couples who are not on the same page sexually. It is how the partners within those relationships chose to handle that can be open for debate. For some, they live unhappily and just deal with it. Others seek what they need elsewhere (either with or without their partner's knowledge). Still other project their unhappiness on others. I don't know what "the right" answer is, but I do know it has to start with an open and frank conversation.

No one, not your partner, or anyone else, as a "right" to make you feel like less of a person. I don't care if you are a sex kitten who needs it 5 times a day to be happy - he does not have a right to make you feel badly about that. It is who you are. He vowed to love and honor you, and your sexual needs are part of who you are. Sure, maybe things have changed over the years, but I doubt that is the only area of the relationship that has grown/changed. We don't get to pick the parts we want to accept and disregard the rest. To think we can is childish and unrealistic.

[thurisas]

I think you need to know outright that you are not the selfish one. I don't know your entire story as there are two sides and yours is only half but taking what you've written at face value I would have to say your husband is the selfish one and hasn't got a real understanding as to what it is he has in you. I get a feeling in reading your post that your husband is enjoying the control you allow him to have. You seem to bend over backwards to make sure his needs are served. Marriage is a two way street and needs to have compromise. Sex is not a gift, it is a connection, and whether it is a one night stand or the ten thousandth time you've done it in a marriage every time it is surrenduring much of what you are to another whether person you are male or female. Face it, with sex you're putting it all out there.

Randy.