Cheating At The Workplace

[ithurts]

My husband had an ongoing workplace affair until she was fired a few years ago. She (they) were even brazen enough to have sex at his and my home (outside, by the fireplace as well as in our woods) while our young son sat inside awaiting my return home from work. They both got out at 2:30, me at 6:30.

It took me a few months/years (??) to figure it out. I can't express how much this hurt, because I used to "defend" her at company functions, where she was called "fat...her name". He even called her that in front of me. Then one day she appeared at our house, needing "help" with her son who was "in trouble". Looking back I think it was pre-planned by them, not expecting me to be home. Then she started coming over "if it was alright with (me)". Initially I thought he was trying to be her friend only, until months later I could tell my son was very uneasy when I came home and she was there, not saying why. He and she were out at the fire, easily seen from the window even though it was dark out, laughing and quite drunk. I went out and before I even had the chance to get my first thoughts processing, she repeatedly rubbed her ass on him as she walked by him. I then IMMEDIATLY knew I had been fooled all along, and told her to leave immediatly. She has been "STALKING" he and me ever since that day, in spite of the fact she is married (3rd time), I doubt her husband has a clue. To make matters worse, her "best friend" is the personnel manager where he works, so she is constantly updated about him. Currently she is attempting to get him to look at her IM profile, which includes her MySpace address. He can't quit his job because we are very close to being broke and he has no college education and is in his lat 40's.

It hurts when he gets (too) drunk and fingers/writes her name on me during sex, which he keeps saying "I'm writing dirty words" as if I can't tell what the letters are. There is NEVER any warning. He just DOESN'T GET IT. I know he loves me but I just can't understand why the drinking brings her to our bed over and over. Why doesn't he understand that this "fantasy" is NOT THE SAME AS A FANTASY ABOUT SOMEONE HE'S NEVER MET? If it weren't for loving him so much, as well as I would NEVER hurt my son that way, sometimes I have a "fantasy" about blowing out my brains, usually the next morning after everyone is gone and I'm all alone and I can see that damn fireplace. I hate my life, but not enough to leave him, because I know in his strange/selfish life, he DOES love me. Why did he do this to me?

[Mikayla1]

Honey, I am not suggesting that he doesn't love you, but if he loved you enough to stop the affair, then he would stop writing that woman's name on you during sex.

In my personal opinion, if a man cheats once ----just ONCE ----he is outta here! I have no tolerance for cheaters - and if they do it once, they are more than likely to do it again.

I understand why people stay together after cheating - and I understand that it can be a one time deal - but if your son knows that he cheated on you, what message are you sending to your son? A man can cheat and the woman will take it? That is a HORRIBLE message to send to him.

I am not in your life, nor can I tell you how to live it, but 25 years or not, that man would be hitting the hotel - and NOT with me!

Mikayla

[chickenmom]

You really need to get into some counseling. If money is an issue, the local universities always have a sliding fee program. You need to be able to sort out your feelings; he needs to get to the root of why he did it; y'all need to get it straight.

I can understand why leaving him wouldn't be an option, but y'all really need to get some help, and fast.

The pain is hard to take. Deal with it one day at a time.

Keep us posted.

[Valntyn]

He may very well love you and you him -- I won't even try to dispute that -- but he certainly doesn't respect you, and no offense, it doesn't seem you respect yourself or your son, either.

If he respected you and your son, he wouldn't have had the affair in the first place... he wouldn't have had that woman at your house, especially with your son there... he wouldn't write her name on you or bring her up... and he'd have apologized and be thankful every day that you allow him to remain in your life.

If you respect yourself and your son, you need to show that boy that what his father is doing isn't right. I don't think that young children need to know the dirty business of their wrong-doing parents, but where he already knows (to some extent) what's going on, he needs to know how to fix it. Hard lesson, but it will help him in his relationship with you as well as with how to treat women in his future.

If she's stalking you and your family, you need to find out if your husband is egging her actions on. If he is, that'd be strike two (with many sub-strikes) in my book, and he'd be outta there. If he's not, and her actions are such that the police should be involved, get them involved.

The final thing I'll comment on is your 'fantasy' that you mentioned... quite frankly, even though I don't know you, it scared me. I NEVER like hearing people talking of taking their own lives. It's never the solution, especially when you think you have a son to consider. He needs his mother to be a strong force right now. He needs you to take care of both you and him. Please take that into consideration, if nothing else.

My basic opinion of your husband: I'd kick his ass to the curb, honey. Please take care of yourself and please pardon my bluntness... apparently I have strong views about this. Let us know how you are.

[whiskeywoman]

You know,

I have read this post at least a dozen times, and I still find more and more bits and pieces here and there.

First and foremost....

If she is driving by your house, walking her dog by your house, calling your house and hanging up, or calling his workplace or your sons daycare, get a restraining order, yesterday!

Make it clear to her that she is no longer welcome around your home, change your phone number if you have to.

Stalking is against the law point blank period.

Secondly, if your hubbys boss is giving out information of ANY kind to this woman, even in a friendly phone conversation, talk to his boss, remind him it is not only immoral, but HIGHLY ILLEGAL to give out ANY information other than that which is allowed by law.

The ONLY information allowed to be given out is if hubby is employed and if not, if he is eligible for rehire.

As for leaving not being an option *BZZZZT* WRONG ANSWER!

You ALWAYS have the ability to leave, trust me, I know, I have lived in more womens shelters and homeless shelters than I care for.

By you staying and allowing him to stay, you are giving him the message that "i am a door mat, feel free to walk over me, i will just lay here and take it"

Kick his ass to the curb!

And as for your "fantasy" of blowing your brains out, *BZZZZT* WRONG ANSWER!

Suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem.

Besides, if you go, what kind of a message are you going to tell your son?

That when life hands you lemons and things go south, just quit?

PSHAW! How many times have you encouraged him? how many times have you told him he could do it? that he could get through whatever was bugging him? And you want to quit?

As for him writing her name on you?

I would hand him a pillow and tell him to get the fuck outta my bed and go sleep on the damn couch.

How dare he degrade you like that?

You KNOW he is writing her name on you, tell him, don't just lay there and let him, call him on it.

The alcohol does not bring her out, he brings her out, he figures he can use the alcohol as an excuse, and you will allow it.

I apologize if I seem harsh, but, cheaters are lower than gutter scum in my book.

Believe me, I am aware of how badly it hurts to have the one you love lie and cheat.

You are sending messages to him and to your son, your telling your husband that it is alright to treat you like dirt, because you are just gonna lay there and take it.

Your telling your son, this is how women behave, this is how men behave. and it is all good.

If you want to be with him fine, but both of you better get some marrige counseling, if ya don't, pack his bags and say see ya!

Make his ass pay you spousal support and child support.

As far as him being in his 40's and not having any college education, well, sorry to say this, but thats his own damn fault.

Do not make apologies or excuses for him anymore, make him make his own damn apologies, and let him make it right.

Mikayla is right, once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat.

Good luck

[riv]

My husband had an ongoing workplace affair until she was fired a few years ago. She (they) were even brazen enough to have sex at his and my home (outside, by the fireplace as well as in our woods) while our young son sat inside awaiting my return home from work. They both got out at 2:30, me at 6:30.

It took me a few months/years (??) to figure it out. I can't express how much this hurt, because I used to "defend" her at company functions, where she was called "fat...her name". He even called her that in front of me. Then one day she appeared at our house, needing "help" with her son who was "in trouble". Looking back I think it was pre-planned by them, not expecting me to be home. Then she started coming over "if it was alright with (me)". Initially I thought he was trying to be her friend only, until months later I could tell my son was very uneasy when I came home and she was there, not saying why. He and she were out at the fire, easily seen from the window even though it was dark out, laughing and quite drunk. I went out and before I even had the chance to get my first thoughts processing, she repeatedly rubbed her ass on him as she walked by him. I then IMMEDIATLY knew I had been fooled all along, and told her to leave immediatly. She has been "STALKING" he and me ever since that day, in spite of the fact she is married (3rd time), I doubt her husband has a clue. To make matters worse, her "best friend" is the personnel manager where he works, so she is constantly updated about him. Currently she is attempting to get him to look at her IM profile, which includes her MySpace address. He can't quit his job because we are very close to being broke and he has no college education and is in his lat 40's.

It hurts when he gets (too) drunk and fingers/writes her name on me during sex, which he keeps saying "I'm writing dirty words" as if I can't tell what the letters are. There is NEVER any warning. He just DOESN'T GET IT. I know he loves me but I just can't understand why the drinking brings her to our bed over and over. Why doesn't he understand that this "fantasy" is NOT THE SAME AS A FANTASY ABOUT SOMEONE HE'S NEVER MET? If it weren't for loving him so much, as well as I would NEVER hurt my son that way, sometimes I have a "fantasy" about blowing out my brains, usually the next morning after everyone is gone and I'm all alone and I can see that damn fireplace. I hate my life, but not enough to leave him, because I know in his strange/selfish life, he DOES love me. Why did he do this to me?

Suicide should never be an option....you' re a human being and no one should ever be treated the way I'm understanding your post. I had some pretty serious issues a couple of years back that made me consider suicide too but there is help out there. I have no Idea where you are but there must be a crisis line and those people most likely saved my life. They listen , so if it's really to that point call them for your sake and your sons. NO one is worth taking your life....no one.

Good Luck

[Tyger]

Well, I know I am repeating all that's been said. But all of it bears repeating!!

First, whether he loves you or not, which I have a hard time believing if he continues to disrespect you by writing her name on you, and bringing her up, he TOTALLY blew any care, consideration, and trust out the window, not only by the affair, which could be forgiven, but by bringing the woman to your house, infront of your son!!!!!??? Um, how does that prove he loves you? What is he doing to prove his love? Flowers, jewelry, cards, sucking up? That just proves that he doesn't want to loose you, in whatever capacity he thinks of you as. I can't say for what. True regret and wanting to be forgiven doesn't include writing HER name on YOU while you 2 are suppose to be intimate with each other. That's an emotional 3-some.

A fling, or one night stand would probably be easier to forgive, since it was a brief thing (not that I am condoning that in anyway), and usually nameless, but not when it happened for an extended period of time, and AT YOUR HOUSE!!! There's more there than just sex, but emotional attatchment as well. Mikayla is right. If he did it once, especially for so long and under your nose, he will do it again. If he's not still doing it. You mentioned that you aren't even sure that he has stopped seeing her. Well honey, trust your insticts.

And, as mentioned, if she is stalking you or your husband, maybe you should both get a restraining order. And tell him to talk to his boss. He can't get fired for asking his boss not to mention his name to that woman. It's a basic right legally and personally, and if he gets fired for that, he can sue his boss.

Suicide is never the answer to personal problems. What would your son do? You are hurting, and that's understandable. Is suicide your way of thinking it would pay your husband back? It won't. It ends up hurting more people, and you not being around to see your son graduate high school, get married, have his own children.....do you want to miss out on that because your husband is a jerk? I doubt that.

But, if you continue to hurt just by being where you are, and seeing your husband, kick his ass out, and tell him that you just can't handle his cheating ways anymore. Even if he has ended the sexual aspect of the affair, fantasizing about her by doing what he's doing, so openly, doesn't show he's ended it in his mind. Kicking HIM out, It's what would be best for you and your son. If you own your home, put it up for sale, tell your husband you will not live in the house anymore, and you want to sell it, too many bad reminders. Or, if he wants too, and you end up divorcing, then he can buy your half out.

There are always solutions and help out there, but it won't come easily, but you need to search for the help and answers. You have to want to help yourself, before others can help you. And you have to ask for it. I believe that you coming on here, and telling your story is a way of reaching out. It's a start, and that's great.

I'm sorry, Im sure I sound harsh. I have strong beliefs on cheating. Especially long-term cheating. Y'all have been together a long time, share a child, and that's hard to think of yourself away from him. But, honey, being single is better than being degraded, used, and feeling less than. I Hope you're able to find a solution that makes YOU happy!!

[willtryanything]

I'm really sorry for you. Thank God I have never been cheated on (that I know of!) but if I ever was, I'm pretty sure I would not be able to stay with him. It's one thing to have an affair and feel bad about it but it a whole other thing to finger write her name on your back during sex. It makes me so angry I could twist his balls off.

Now for the more important issue. Please do what you need to do to get the thoughts of suicide out of your head. I have three inch scars on my wrists for trying that so I know where you are. The first thing my mother said to me was "What would have happened to your babies if you had succeeded?" You don't want that psycho in your son's life. Please see a therapist. No man or sorry excuse for one is worth your life. If you have to leave him, you will eventually get over it. Your son will never get over your death and you will have no control over what will happen to him if you are gone.

I might be a freak in the bedroom but I do pray and I will absolutely pray for you tonight. Things will get better.

[willtryanything]

I'm really sorry for you. Thank God I have never been cheated on (that I know of!) but if I ever was, I'm pretty sure I would not be able to stay with him. It's one thing to have an affair and feel bad about it but it a whole other thing to finger write her name on your back during sex. It makes me so angry I could twist his balls off.

Now for the more important issue. Please do what you need to do to get the thoughts of suicide out of your head. I have three inch scars on my wrists for trying that so I know where you are. The first thing my mother said to me was "What would have happened to your babies if you had succeeded?" You don't want that psycho in your son's life. Please see a therapist. No man or sorry excuse for one is worth your life. If you have to leave him, you will eventually get over it. Your son will never get over your death and you will have no control over what will happen to him if you are gone.

I might be a freak in the bedroom but I do pray and I will absolutely pray for you tonight. Things will get better.