Do You Think Cheaters Can Change?

[Tyger]

Whether your married to an adulterer, or you have cheated, do you think that the old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true? Or do you think that people can stop cheating?

[alishaw03]

Well everyone's situation is different but I think it depends on the reasons for the cheating. Some people probably cheat as a one-time thing because they have a weak moment or bad judgement, and that can happen because everyone is human. But for some people it's because something is missing in the relationship they have that they think they can get elsewhere. It may be something they aren't even aware of! In my last relationship I actually did cheat on my boyfriend once and at the time I thought it was a one-time thing but I realized that it was because I was looking for more excitement and rebellion-type behavior than he was giving me, and I mistakenly thought the answer was to go to another guy rather than try to improve my relationship with him, but we had alot of problems and that was just one of them (major factor in why we broke up but really it was doomed beofre that). I guess what I'm saying is that I think cheaters can change if they learn to try to work at the relationships they have instead of stepping out on them if they arent getting what they need, if that makes any sense.

[thurisas]

I think the saying should be more 'Once a cheater, always more likely to cheat.' The fact is that relationships have ups and downs. The cheater has already proven that when a relationship doesn't go their way, rather than work through the problem they look for a whole new set of problems. Where trust is a cornerstone of the relationship in the first place, I can't imagine anyone wanting to get into a relationship with a known cheater if they knew the person had indeed cheated in the past. This isn't to say that a cheater will absolutely cheat, it is just to say that the propensity for cheating is very much a reality.

Thurisas.

[krisleightate]

From someone who has cheated in the past I will say this, while I don't think once a cheat always a cheat it is hard not to do it now. It is like once you start you get addicted to the rush of cheating, for me it was more the rush than the sex. Now I am being a good girl again and damn its not always easy.

[ToyQueen]

I agree with Thurisas. I think there can be a propensity to cheat. I have had several counselors tell me that if it happens more than once, there is a pattern, and the cheater will cheat again. But once doesn't always mean forever.

[swoodzy]

Once a cheater... I think it is possible for people to change, but they must want to change. My 1st marriage ended because my wife was a cheater. had I known this fact before I got married, I probably would not have married her. (Of course I had some other misgivings, but the sex was great and I was young, dumb, and full of...you know the rest). I found out later that she had cheated on her ex-husbands and a few of her ex-boyfriends.

When I got stationed in Korea(1 year remote assignment-no family allowed), she called to let me know that she was cheating on me with one of the guys I drank/played bar trivia with. The divorce papers were signed within 1 day of my return to the States. 6 years of marriage lost to a lack of self control.

Anyway...being in the military, I have seen lots of cheating in my 12 years in. The guys I know that cheat are cheaters and will always be. The girls that are cheaters and will always be. They love the thrill of doing something and not getting caught (or of getting caught and still getting away with it). For the most part I don't think it's about the sex as much as it is the experience.

That's my 2-cents.

[krisleightate]

Once a cheater... I think it is possible for people to change, but they must want to change. My 1st marriage ended because my wife was a cheater. had I known this fact before I got married, I probably would not have married her. (Of course I had some other misgivings, but the sex was great and I was young, dumb, and full of...you know the rest). I found out later that she had cheated on her ex-husbands and a few of her ex-boyfriends.

When I got stationed in Korea(1 year remote assignment-no family allowed), she called to let me know that she was cheating on me with one of the guys I drank/played bar trivia with. The divorce papers were signed within 1 day of my return to the States. 6 years of marriage lost to a lack of self control.

Anyway...being in the military, I have seen lots of cheating in my 12 years in. The guys I know that cheat are cheaters and will always be. The girls that are cheaters and will always be. They love the thrill of doing something and not getting caught (or of getting caught and still getting away with it). For the most part I don't think it's about the sex as much as it is the experience.

That's my 2-cents.

I have changed and you are right though it was more about the taboo of it than it was the sex itself. But if someone is a cheater and doesn't want to change then they will not. I really and truly started to hate myself because of it, so I changed.

[Mikayla1]

I think that there is no guarantee either way. I was a cheater and a cheatee. THe man who cheated on me, my ex-fiance - couldn't keep his dick in his pants. He wanted to fuck any girl who gave him any attention whatsoever. I was good in bed, good to him, we were in love - yet he cheated with a total skank just cause he could. He had cheated on a previous girlfriend, cheated with ME on his ex-wife while they were separated, and then cheated on me. I found out years later that he got married again, cheated, divorced and now is living with someone. Cheat, Cheat, Cheat - HE will never change.

Now, when I was the cheatee - I was young, I did it for the rush and for the pure lust of the man I cheated with. It was exhilarating and fun. I felt no remorse for it at the time - but thought back on it after I became the one cheated on. I have never cheated since - would not cheat now - and feel badly that I broke up a relationship.

Clearly 2 different answers to the question - both a yes and a no. Basically, it depends on the person and the situation. Some will always cheat, some will cheat only once or twice. It is not a black and white answer!

I

[swoodzy]

Mikayla brought up something interesting..."He wanted to fuck any girl who gave him any attention whatsoever". I think what happens so often is that people cannot distinguish attention from attraction/affection. I just had a discussion a few months ago about it with a girl I was in Iraq with. She was really nice to everyone which was many times mis-understood by most guys that she was attracted to them. One guy ended up being a semi-stalker (he was married). He thought he was in love with her and that since she talked to him, she was reciprocating. WOW, what a time that was. Everyone in our little group had to confront him to convince him that she WAS NOT interested.

It is amazing how the human brain can so easily confuse attention and attraction. Happend to me a few times, but I was able to nip it in the bud before anyone got hurt. I guess "When Harry Met Sally" (obscure reference,good movie) was right...Men and women can't be friends.

[krisleightate]

Mikayla brought up something interesting..."He wanted to fuck any girl who gave him any attention whatsoever". I think what happens so often is that people cannot distinguish attention from attraction/affection. I just had a discussion a few months ago about it with a girl I was in Iraq with. She was really nice to everyone which was many times mis-understood by most guys that she was attracted to them. One guy ended up being a semi-stalker (he was married). He thought he was in love with her and that since she talked to him, she was reciprocating. WOW, what a time that was. Everyone in our little group had to confront him to convince him that she WAS NOT interested.

It is amazing how the human brain can so easily confuse attention and attraction. Happend to me a few times, but I was able to nip it in the bud before anyone got hurt. I guess "When Harry Met Sally" (obscure reference,good movie) was right...Men and women can't be friends.

Now your comment that men and women can't be friends is something that I find very insulting, I have male friends that I have never done anything with or had the urge to do anything with.

[swoodzy]

Now your comment that men and women can't be friends is something that I find very insulting, I have male friends that I have never done anything with or had the urge to do anything with.

Krazikris,

Not trying to insult. Did you see the movie? It was a romantic-comedy in the 80's with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. There was a scene where he said men and women can't be friends because the guy will inevitably think about having sex with the girl. No action may be taken, but the thought is there. Anyway, they banter back and forth, and IT WAS FUNNY. The 2 characters ended up being friends then got together in the end.

I am just saying that whether a guy will admit it or not, the thought does cross his mind at one time or another (no matter who the girl is).

[krisleightate]

Krazikris,

Not trying to insult. Did you see the movie? It was a romantic-comedy in the 80's with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. There was a scene where he said men and women can't be friends because the guy will inevitably think about having sex with the girl. No action may be taken, but the thought is there. Anyway, they banter back and forth, and IT WAS FUNNY. The 2 characters ended up being friends then got together in the end.

I am just saying that whether a guy will admit it or not, the thought does cross his mind at one time or another (no matter who the girl is).

Oh ok I had never seen the movie, sorry bout that. It sounds like one I need to watch.

[krisleightate]

I do not believe it is possible for a leopard to change their spots.

They can, and I have. They have to want to be a new person. It all comes down to what the person, the cheater, wants out of life.

[Tyger]

Some great points!

I think people that cheat CAN change, and that men & women can be friends. When I was younger, I cheated on my long-time BF. He never found out (he'd have let me know for sure if he had). But, even though it was exciting, I didn't really like the whole sneaking around thing. How successful can a relationship be, if you're sneaking around? Even if it's just sex, it's still really hard to keep that all inside. But, people can and do change. It's called growing up.

Now, I'm not saying ALL cheaters can be redeemed. They may WANT to be, but in all actuality, the chase, hunt, and ego boosts are just waaaaaaay too tempting to pass up. These people will have a hard time feeling fullfilled in any sort of relationship, IMO.

As far as men & women being friends, of course at one point (or maybe more) either one of them will probably wonder what sleeping with them would be like. After all, the ideal partner is someone you're friends with, right? Sometimes sleeping with them will ruin the friendship, depending on the circumstances, and other times, it just is kinda shaken off for a "oops, shouldn't have done that, but oh well" type thing. Then, there are those that never regret it, and either develop a relationship, or just choose to stay friends. What's hardest, is whether or not SO's of the future can handle the fact that you've slept with a good friend, and are JUST friends.

[krisleightate]

I still don't believe they change. If they will do it to one person they will do it to someone else. I don't believe peoples basic personality changes.

So you are calling me a liar is that it? I have changed and I haven't cheated since I made the choice not too any more. It is not about personality, and I believe that if your will is strong enough you can change your personality for the better. Also people change all the time, Are you still the same person you were in High School?

[Mikayla1]

I still don't believe they change. If they will do it to one person they will do it to someone else. I don't believe peoples basic personality changes.

I do believe that there is a distinct difference here in the two examples. First, a person CAN cheat once and never cheat again. It is entirely possible. Now, did they want to cheat, almost cheat, contemplate cheating - these are all things that could be part of the bigger picture.

Second, I do not think that cheating is in someone's "personality" per se. I think that it is in there moral code. I do think that once a person DOES cheat it makes it easier to cheat again. If a cheater cheats and he or she feels no remorse, no one "got hurt" and it was fun - then this person is likely to cheat again. However, if a person cheats and feels badly, a marriage or relationship is ruined or the person they cheated with goes back to the other person in the relationship - then they may not be so willing to cheat again.

There is also the obscure ideal of 'true love' in which you obviously would be so deliriously happy that you would not ever contemplate cheating. However, is this a true idea? Does this type of love really exist? Can we be completely and totally fullfilled by only ONE person? IF the answer is no, do we ever, even in our minds, just contemplate being with someone else? Does this make us 'emotional cheaters?'

The question really boils down to personal circumstance. I do believe that SOME cheaters change and others do not. I believe Kris when she says she would never cheat now. I would never cheat now. Does that mean that I never think about 'Mr. X' or 'Mrs. Y' and how it could be with them? What if either of them asked me to be with them - would I hold out? This is a circumstantial ideal - meaning, my circumstances probably dictate my actions more than my 'personality' ever could.

[krisleightate]

I did not direct my comment directly at you personally and I don't see where I called you anything. To answer your question, Yes, I am the same basic person with the same basic beliefs that I had in high school. My values have not changed and I hope they never do.

I never cheated on a girlfriend then, and I have been married longer than a lot of people on this forum are old, I have never, ever, cheated on my wife nor did I cheat when we dated. Perhaps the fact that we resepect and love each other enough not to cheat is the reason we are still married unlike some of our friends who chose to cheat and ended up with a well deserved nobody and nothing.

Cheating is my pet peeve in a relationship and my wife knows this...she would not get a second chance ever, period and I know the same thing if I cheated on her.

Married life is not a bowl of cherries and we have been through a lot of rough spots , cheating has not been on of them.

Now, I would appreciate it if you would not attack me on this forum again. My opinion on cheating is just that..My opinion and like my basic morals and values it is not going to change.

The way another person chooses to live their life is their business so as to wheather or not you are a liar is a question for you to answer..not me.

Have a good day!

I did not mean to make you feel as though I attacked you, and I apologize for that. I think its great that you and your wife love and respect each other to that degree.

[me4now]

Yes!!!

If some one cheats or commits adultery they can change I know I am not going to say anything different from what has been already said. But I have lots of friends male & female and they cheated on their spouses some of them change and some didnt. I think if you really want you marriage or relationship to work you will change and also if the spouse or companion can forgive the cheater it can turn out to be a beautiful beginning for everyone, if the forgiveness has not been done then it would be hard for the relationship. As some one said early it just depends on the situation and the persons all involve but for the most part they can change.

And its not a small % of change its form the heart and i will never do it again with determination they can change

[littlemidget]

I think usually once one always one... but it depends. Example, I cheated once, so I left my BF in the morning because I knew something had to be wrong with our relationship for me to cheat....But I have never cheated since then....and I would never cheat and stay in a relationship. One the other hand my Ex cheated on me all the time (a long with every other girl he dated for the last 20 years ) When I finally left him he told me he stop cheated on me once i got pregnant......so he supposable cheated only 7 1/2 years on me out of 9 years??? But I lost the baby at four months a long so I am sure he started cheating again after that but not sure....so maybe that life changing event (marriage, kids, etc) can make someone stop, but maybe not???? I guess everyone is different so it's hard to answer, but I think if someone cheats then that relationship should be over, because apparently something is wrong...and as much as you want to put it behind you, you never can. I only knew of a few affairs my ex had, but every time he was late coming home, or didn't want to F*ck or was looking at another girl it all came right back to me and hurt me and pissed me off again.

[jennycherie]

Whether your married to an adulterer, or you have cheated, do you think that the old saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true? Or do you think that people can stop cheating?

Yes, I think anyone can change at any time--there is always a chance for us to do or be better today than we were yesterday. That being said, if I were a single person, I would be very cautious about dating someone who had cheated before (assuming I knew) simply because it seems risky. Are they still thinking it's okay to cheat if it's justified or have they had a change of heart and won't do it again? I've seen my sister-in-law burned SO many times. . . but she has dated men who were still married (yes, separated but still legally attached) and it never seems to work out. In her experience, the guys she has dated who were cheating on someone else by dating her have ALWAYS cheated on her as well. Frequently, they tell her they are separated (just waiting for that divorce to get finalized!) when they have no intention of divorcing. So, while I do believe people can always change for the better, I think one has to be very, very cautious.

[dazzleme]

Good question which obviously stirs up a good debate

Can cheaters change......we all can change, look at all the people who have had bad habits in their lifetime, ie. smoking, drinking, over-eating, etc. and those are some major lifestyle changes. Emotionally many people have overcome issues and flaws (and I am thinking some major things here) and changed their life and lifestyles so can cheaters change? Absolutely they can because as human beings we all have the ability to change and change for the good, for many people it can be something drastic (as in the death of a loved one, a near death experience, an illness, etc.) and for others it can be a simple growing up and becoming more of an adult (and believe me, I know PLENTY of 30 something year olds who are STILL unable to be adult like). Changing is hard and something that you want to have to do and be willing to do reguardless of the temptation.

Like others have said, there are differences between the types of cheaters....I've been cheated on and I know for a fact that this man will never, ever change. He cheated before me and he continues to cheat after me (he is my ex-husband) and he is a liar among many other things. Those type of cheaters/liars will not and cannot ever change.

The other's can and do change either by growing up and learning from life or simply wanting to be a better person.

As with anything there are varied reasons why people cheat and figuring out why whether it be something in the relationship that is lacking or something else they are searching for in their own personal lives.

[Lacey607]

My fiance cheated on me a year and half ago... We're still together now. It happened 3 times with 2 different girls (sex once, oral twice). I was a livid emotional mess! I am totally about commitment and fixing things before making assumptions and breaking things off. After a month of digging, and with the numerous psych classes under my belt, I found out the true honest to goodness reason WHY he did it. He lost his virginity to me and freaked out when we started getting serious, thinking I was going to be the only sex story he'd ever have. He never got to make his young drunken mistakes like most of us have. Things weren't going good at the time and he had a weak period. Although NONE of these are an excuse, a level of understanding came to me that has really helped in dealing with the problem. I am confident it would NEVER happen now, but on a bad day I still think theres always a possibility. All in all, I'm sure that in a situation like mine, it's curable. But trust-building is a LONNNGG road... it's really important to evaluate how important the relationship is to you, in my case- we have a 4 yr old son together, so that's what motivated me to make it work.

[moondawg]

I disagree. I have seen cheaters change, with no regrets. Cheaters come in all kinds, and often the reason for why they cheat is indicative of whether they will change. There are people who do it for the love of the hunt! Others, because their relationship is truly missing both good sex, and communication skills. Or one party has been cut off by the other, without discussion, or suggestion of compromise. NO SEX! The " Cheater " just got his cart and horse reversed, finding a willing partner before he divorced the evil one. Those kind of " cheaters" never really like " cheating " at all, and are more than happy to become mangamous, once they find a partner with whom they can be sexually compatible.

Spots on a leopard are a genetic characteristic that cannot change. Cheating is not genetic, but rather an emotional decision, and people can and do change.

Howard

I couldn't have written this any better myself. This is pretty much what I was going to type before I saw what Howard put. Being unhappy because of a mistake tends to make you want to change the mistake if possible so you can be happy again. This is easy if you are not married and/or have kids. In the dating world you can say,"hey, things aren't working out. I don't see a future in this so i'm dumping your ass."(one could probably exhibit more tact, but if you break it down the message is the same). Once you get into the realm of marriage and having kids though, you have crossed a line where things get messy. There is commitment and responsibility. Bleh. I don't even know why I am commenting on this. It's kind of scary. At least with someone, as howard put it, "on the hunt" you can kind of feel superior by having the moral high ground.

R

[pappyld04]

I think it takes a huge commitment to change but it is all about whether they want to change. Once a mind is made up to stop anything it can be done. But there is a world full of people who are weak when it comes to this. Hell Springer makes a killing with them. And if a partner cheats on you and suffers no consequence then you can bet your ass it will happen again. You have just shown them that they can get away with it. (Not trying to be rude just stating a fact)!