Scared To Bj

[monetgracehoo]

I have been dating this fabulous guy for a while now who I love more than anything. But he really wants me to go down on him and I would like to but I just can't seem to get myself down there. It's like I have a leash holding me back. When we first started dating I said I wouldn't do it at all b/c I didn't like it. I have done it twice on other guys, neither of which were good experiences for me. I felt very degraded and inferior. I told him I would probably do it eventually it would just take me some time, and that was fine for a while, but now he brings it up quite regularly. I don't like that he brings it up and jokes about it b/c it makes me feel bad that I don't/won't/can't do it. I have gotten to the point now where I think about it doing it and consider doing it but I just don't know when I'll get the point where I will actually peform it. Any words or wisdom would be helpful. I just don't know want to do and I feel bad b/c I can't do it.

[thurisas]

I don't know how you can feel degraded or inferior when you hold his manhood in such a compromising place!!

In all seriousness, though, you have more power down there than I think you realize. Men are very visual in general. Just seeing you down there, especially if you're making eye contact with him is going to put him in a place mentally and physically that combines to be a true feeling of bliss. You hold all of the cards when you're down on him for the simple fact that if you're paying attention to his reactions then you can tease him and back him off from climax as many times as you want. You can absolutely drive him wild.

I don't know why your past experiences were bad, but you're with this person for a reason. You're learning to trust and this is just another way for you to show how you do trust him. I think you'd know by now if he was going to be demeaning or degrading to you. Just try to let yourself go a bit and enjoy him. I assume you've told him why you're uncomfortable and any decent guy is going to make this experience a good one for you. You have the power because he'll probably want it done again and again and if he's an ass, you can always say no.

Thurisas

[Tyger]

First off, welcome to the board. I hope you're able to find a lot of useful information here.

Second, I totally understand where you're coming from.

I agree with iha and Thur on this. You have to let him know that you've had bad experiences. However, you also need to let yourself know that, whoever did the bad things to you is NOT the man you're with NOW. If you trust him enough to have sex with, and to open up too, this is yet another obstacle that you CAN overcome, with time, and effort.

It took me YEARS to get over what happened to me. And, every so often, I get a flashback. BUT, I've told my lovers to NEVER hold my head so that I can't move. THAT'S my trigger. Once I tell them that if they do that, my first instinct may be to bite down hard to escape, it's never been a problem (for some unfathomable reason LOL). But, I was willing to try it, and, to my happy shock, I was a HIT!!

Please keep in mind that the bad men that did whatever they did to you is NOT your current lover. Don't punish him for their misdeeds.

Best wishes.

[Mikayla1]

Most people forget that oral sex is THE most intimate sexual act we can perform. Putting another person's genitals in your mouth is so personal and powerful. I had a terrible experience involving oral sex when I was younger - the guy went bonkers and forced my head down on his cock until I was choking and couldn't breathe. It was scary and I was petrified that I was literally going to die from choking on his penis. This guy just did NOT understand that deepthroating is OK, but choking was not.

I did get over that experience by taking the lead in oral sex - using my own power to control HIM. I think that many women get caught up in what it is, where it has been, what comes out of it, fear of swallowing. All these are valid fears and can be overcome.

As for the perception of oral sex portrayed in adult films, I agree. Many women get turned off to oral sex, anal sex and porn in general because of the depiction of 'degradation' and 'humiliation' that many films seem to have. THe porn of today seems to be doing a bit better with this - as there is less 'forceful' looking scenes in most porn. However, again, it is about training your brain to see the 'real' picture, not the fantasy of the porn. We have to think that these are consenting women, they are making good money, they know what they are doing, and they are playing a role. This should NOT impact our real sex life in any significant way.

Without knowing the specifics of your past history with the bj, all I can do is suggest that if this is something you want to do (and it must, since you came here for help) that you are honest with your man, that you go slow, and that you first analyze all the fears that you have and tackle them one by one. FOr example, if you have a fear of 'cleanliness' have your man wash up first (and he should be anyway); if it is a fear of choking, have him place his hands behind his head and have him keep them there. If it is fear that you will do it wrong, well, practice!

I hope that we can help you out here - so please, let us know if we are on the right track.

[froggystyle1977]

Its kind of hard to figure out what it is thats holding you back since you don't get into your bad experiences. I had horrific experiences with BJs when I was young, I was actually choked and it has haunted me. I still have issues with it sometimes I will gag or feel like I can't breathe thankfully I have a wonderful man who understands my issues and loves me anyway. My ex boyfriend hated that I could never finish with him, and told me so often it made me not want to touch him even more, and I believe I do better with my husband just to spite him (at first anyway now I just like it) there are many ways to overcome whatever your battling for me it was truly mind over matter I needed to want to pleasure who i was with and when I had issues I needed someone that would hold me and tell me its ok. your boyfriend is not making this easy for you. you should talk to him and let him know how you feel, tell him there are issues you need to deal with on your own and if he doesn't stop pushing he won't ever get it!! this is something that needs time and patience as said above it really is about control you need to have control and if a full Bj isn't in the cards tye up his hands and tease him with your hands, keep trying and sooner or later you will be able too.. feel free to PM me if you want I will answer anything!

[monetgracehoo]

thank you for all of your responses. it's good to know there are people who understand and have positive reinforcement on how to fix my dillema.

[pappyld04]

If your bad experience is similar to what the other ladies here speak of why don't you tie his hands. Either to the headboard or behind him. That way there is no chance of him repeating this experience and you will hold all the power.

[bazil323]

I can understand the choking feeling. I have bad asthma, so anytime I feel like I can't breathe, I start to freak out. But I just pull back take a couple seconds, and start again. At first, I thought I'd have a hard time doing oral on hubby (we were both virgins before marriage), but we tried it, and I liked doing it more than he liked receiving it! I've only taken his cum in my mouth once, and I couldn't make myself swallow. I'm glad I did it, but I prefer to just get him going and then mount him. So don't give up! If taste is a factor, try some flavored lube.

[curiouskate]

I have very little sexual experience, infact I only just gave my 1st blow job less then a month ago...anyway I love doin it. Yeah I was afraid I wouldn't be good but once I started I got such a power trip, it was amazin! He was layin on his back & I was on top of him kiss his neck & down his body, gettin him very excited, before I even took his pants off. He was compleatly under my control & it made me feel so powerful! As long as ur guy doesn't push his penis into ur mouth or do anything to forceful u can really pin him down & have ur way with him, I think if he's the right guy for u it'll all work out & u'll both have a great time

[whitefang2002]

I have been dating this fabulous guy for a while now who I love more than anything. But he really wants me to go down on him and I would like to but I just can't seem to get myself down there. It's like I have a leash holding me back. When we first started dating I said I wouldn't do it at all b/c I didn't like it. I have done it twice on other guys, neither of which were good experiences for me. I felt very degraded and inferior. I told him I would probably do it eventually it would just take me some time, and that was fine for a while, but now he brings it up quite regularly. I don't like that he brings it up and jokes about it b/c it makes me feel bad that I don't/won't/can't do it. I have gotten to the point now where I think about it doing it and consider doing it but I just don't know when I'll get the point where I will actually peform it. Any words or wisdom would be helpful. I just don't know want to do and I feel bad b/c I can't do it.

I too have similar experiance with previous men forcing my head to them to deep throat them and once he acted like he was F*****g my mouth and started pumping really fast and shoving his dick down my throat. It did take me awhile to give head to other men after that. Now I am fine.

But when I first gave head I didn't like him watching me because I thought I might do something wrong or make a funny face when he came in my mouth and I was just embarassed because I really didn't know what to do. I decided that I wanted him blindfolded because I didn't like being watched.

That got me over my fears. Now everything is great and I love to stare my SO in the eyes while i'm taking in his kids. lol.

[Michelle Bird]

Hi, you could have been describing me exactly.

I wanted so much to give my husband a blow job, i'd even take it in my hand and get ready to, but then couldnt go through with it.

I had an awful experience when i was young, i dont mind talking about it now so i'll tell you. I was raped and part of that raped was a forced blow job. I was 17!!

Now, with a lot of tenderness, my wonderful DH has helped me recover from every other part of the attack, but nothing he did helped with oral sex. I knew he really wanted it, but as i picked the right man he has waited for me to be totally ready. I wont tell you how long (ssshhhh 14 years ) lol

I started by kissing licking nibbling gently round his cock, and would kiss the head of it. Some times thats all i could do, but it was fine, that was enough.

The last couple of weeks i've got my nerve up and found i've enjoyed it. The tips on here have helped so much, and of course talking to my DH, finding out what he liked, and surprisingly what i was doing was getting him off as much as a full BJ would have!!!!

Dont force it, Tell your boyfriend the more he goes on about it the more nervous you feel about doing it. Get him to tell you whats nice apart from that final taking him inyour mouth.

I havent finished him off that way yet, thats my big battle!