Members MystryKitten Posted February 2, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 My best friend and I were talking last night about boys. We got to talking about some boys we know that will get to know you, heavily flirt with you, maybe even hook up with you a couple times, and then one day it all....STOPS! They dont text you anymore with flirty messages or ask you come over or anything. You try to get a hold of them but alas, with no luck. Now out of all the guys that have done this to us (this has happened way more to my friend) sometimes we are just looking for a quick hookup, and others we get attached and in the end feel either lead on or that we might of done or said something wrong. I came to the conclusion that the guys were just 'testing the waters' what I mean is, getting with us to figure out weather or they really DO like us. And if we arent quite what they are looking for, they ignore us and move on. Is this the case? Can somebody elaborate more as to what may really be going on? Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted February 2, 2008 Report Share Posted February 2, 2008 Both of these men are absolutely correct! Also, what takes some women a LONG time to realize, is, just because a man may kiss you, flirt with your, perform/recieve oral sex from you, and even sleep with you, does NOT make him an automatic boyfriend! Some men will go as far as they want with you, and then just stop calling. They got what they wanted, or found a new conquest. If any of these are the cases, then you're a LOT better off without them.Now, building a quality relationship takes time and effort. If you're hanging out with a guy and his friends, listen to how they joke with him. Of course, guys have to give their friends a bit of shit, but, if many of them insinuate, or come right out and call him a dog, player, or something along that lines, and/or if you hear from other girls/people that this guy really goes from girl to girl, then don't be at all surprised that you're the next notch in his bedpost.Most men will give you SOME fort of sign that they consider themselves exclusive with you. It also depends on the type of guy they are. Whether it be coming right out and saying that you're "his girl", officially "ask you out/steady", tell people that your his girlfriend, or something along those lines. If they don't, then he doesn't consider you a couple. I usually didn't even bother with waiting, (when I was single). After about a dozen dates or so, I'd come right out and ask, if the subject hadn't come up by that time. What girls need to remember, is that, unless it's stated, just because you THINK that you're a couple, doesn't automatically make it true.Also, if you ask a guy what your "status" is, and he just says that you're a friend, or something NOT a girlfriend, it's up to you how you want to handle that. Dump him, keep seeing him, whatever. But, you really can't get mad at him if he doesn't want to commit, and is pretty honest about that too. If you stay with him, that's YOUR choice, but at least you know where you stand.My step-sister use to SWEAR that she KNEW a guy in a matter of 2 weeks, and was ready to declare him her ever-lasting love. She continues to do this to this day (and she's 34). She's had more "ever-lasting loves" than I can count! I think Gene Simmons (of KISS) has a rival of the female persuation when it comes to her. She can't, or won't, see that since she's overly "easy", and doesn't REALLY take the time to get to know someone before moving in in 2 weeks. She honestly gets SHOCKED each and every time they cheat, use, abuse, or dump her. She has a low self-esteem, and wants guys to like her and take care of her, so she won't have too. And when a man "breaks out of her charms", she is utterly shocked!! So, don't beat around the bush. Have fun, date, flirt, hell, if you want to sleep with a few of them, by all means, go ahead (but use CONDOMS!!!), but don't sit around waiting for a guy that won't say "yes she is MINE". Best wishes!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MystryKitten Posted February 3, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Both of these men are absolutely correct! Also, what takes some women a LONG time to realize, is, just because a man may kiss you, flirt with your, perform/recieve oral sex from you, and even sleep with you, does NOT make him an automatic boyfriend! Some men will go as far as they want with you, and then just stop calling. They got what they wanted, or found a new conquest. Well, I completely understand this to be true, I learned that lesson a long time ago the hard way! I wonder though, why even bother flirting with me and invited me over to be with them if its not going to go anywhere? I mean right now in my life I just want some friends with benefits! I don't want to be in a relationship, but I dont want to be a 'slam-bam, thank you m'am!' either. Well, let me tell my story (and Ill ask my friend later if she wants me to ask anything) There is this guy who had been really heavily flirting me, talking dirty and telling me Im cute and everything. I've even been to his house on three different occasions to 'cuddle' with him. Seriously, thats all we did. Curled up on the couch, held hands, gave each other massages, and held each other. It was really fun! I didnt want to keep my hopes up, and knew he probably didnt really like me, so I didnt think much of it. Then the day after our last cuddle session, he stops sending me dirty text messages, and stops automatically chatting with me with I sign on to IM. I just though it was quite odd, and a little rude of him to just stop...?*shrugs* I did tell him just the other day tho, that "If I really really want sex, like cant take it any longer, I'll come to you?? lol" Hes like "Oh, yea?" And I said "Idk, maybe." And we pretty much left it at that. The last text I got from him was last night, and he said "Wheres my bj?" and I go "Wheres my kiss??" (No I never gave him one, nor did I ever say I would, thats just the kinda dirty talk he says) and havent heard form him since...so I guess I'll just see how this all goes. I'm not sad or anything, just little bummed that he seems to have lost intrest in me (?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members littlemissnonamegirl Posted February 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Gah. I have so much to say on this, but I'm still trying to figure out how to put it. But I definitely know what you mean Mystry, it's really hard sometimes to really know where you stand if they do stop calling or whatver. I guess sometimes being up front and ask may help. Depends right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MystryKitten Posted February 3, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 Of course the easy way would be to just ask, but it really does depend. Right now I'm not going to ask 'where we stand' because all I want is FWB. If I really liked him and wanted to be involved with him as a significant other, I would try to persue him more, and then ask. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MystryKitten Posted February 3, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 I did casualy tell him that if I really wanted sex I'd probably come to him. I didnt make any promises but I think he got the picture. True, I'm a bit intimitated by the fact that I could start to feel attached to him, but I don't want to worry about that now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted February 3, 2008 Report Share Posted February 3, 2008 I too can see why they may be confused. You said that YOU would CALL HIM if you wanted sex. I bet if you CALLED him, he'd talk with you. Saying something like that, puts the ball in YOUR court, and he's probably waiting to get a call, even if it IS just a booty call. Or, he may want MORE than just a FWB. If that's all you're willing to give now, and there's nothing wrong with that, and being upfront & honest about that, then by all means, call him. If he wants more, he'll either let you know, or make some sort of excuse not to hook up. But, if this guy is a friend, then, he also may be a bit hurt that you said something like that to him, being a friend. You kinda reduced him to a piece of meat.You can't just cuddle, kiss, hold hands, and then say you just want a FWB, then expect him to call. For a guy to cuddle and kiss, and hold hands, usually (but not always) signals a bit higher level than just FWB status. Giving out mixed signals (saying one thing, and doing another) can cause a guy to step back and wonder if you're a player in female form, or question what is really going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members swoodzy Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 Stop dating BOYS. They have a "Hit it and Quit it" mentality. You are young and should be having fun, not stressing over the immaturity of guys that think with their penis. Go out, have fun, set some ground rules. If the guy is worth it, he will hang around, if not ... His loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MystryKitten Posted February 4, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 I too can see why they may be confused. You said that YOU would CALL HIM if you wanted sex. I bet if you CALLED him, he'd talk with you. Saying something like that, puts the ball in YOUR court, and he's probably waiting to get a call, even if it IS just a booty call. Or, he may want MORE than just a FWB. If that's all you're willing to give now, and there's nothing wrong with that, and being upfront & honest about that, then by all means, call him. If he wants more, he'll either let you know, or make some sort of excuse not to hook up. But, if this guy is a friend, then, he also may be a bit hurt that you said something like that to him, being a friend. You kinda reduced him to a piece of meat.You can't just cuddle, kiss, hold hands, and then say you just want a FWB, then expect him to call. For a guy to cuddle and kiss, and hold hands, usually (but not always) signals a bit higher level than just FWB status. Giving out mixed signals (saying one thing, and doing another) can cause a guy to step back and wonder if you're a player in female form, or question what is really going on. Now your confusing me! LOL.He stopped texting me and things before I randomly said "If I really want sex, like cant take it any longer, i'll come to you?" over IM. Before I stated that we were discussing sex. He was actually always in some form 'implying sex' I took it as flirting/joking but idk. He'd text things like "Do me" and over instant messaging (IM) he'd tell me he cud help get me off, or to join him in the shower. IDK whats going on...i thought to that if a guys cuddling and holding my hand (we've never kissed) it would mean something more, but how am i supposed to take one too seriously when they send me dirty txts and stuff? lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 I wonder though, why even bother flirting with me and invited me over to be with them if its not going to go anywhere? I mean right now in my life I just want some friends with benefits! I don't want to be in a relationship, but I dont want to be a 'slam-bam, thank you m'am!' either. I'm not sad or anything, just little bummed that he seems to have lost intrest in me (?) This is somewhat confusing but seems also contradictory. You want FWBs but don't want to be a slam-bam thank you ma'am!? I think your last sentence says a lot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members synirr Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 This is somewhat confusing but seems also contradictory. You want FWBs but don't want to be a slam-bam thank you ma'am!? I think your last sentence says a lot!That's not contradictory at all! A friend with benefits is still, at heart, a friend... not just a f*ckbuddy. A f*ckbuddy is someone you basically only hang out with for the sex, a FWB is still gonna be your friend even if you're no longer having relations. That's the difference to me, anyhow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 I would guess that your definition is probably right! I can't say I know a lot about the FWB. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hollybw Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 IMO, the Friends-With-Benifits deal is not something you are really going to find easily without someone developing feelings and eventually ruining a friendship.When I was about your age, I found only one person that this ever worked with. I had a friend who I could hook up with, and we actually were ONLY friends and never ruined the friendship. No one ever knew what we were up to, and we remained good friends until each of us moved away and lost contact.I tried this situation with two other people, and someone always got hurt or the friendship was damaged. I do not recommend trying this unless you are absolutely positive that the friendship can withstand the stress and strain - or unless you are absolutely sure that sex is all you want and all he wants. It can get pretty ugly if you are not both honestly on the same level.Also, he may actually like you and be thinking of more than just sex with you, or you may have just confused the hell out of him! Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thurisas Posted February 4, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 4, 2008 The comment of "If I really want sex, like cant take it any longer, i'll come to you" doesn't really fly in guy-world. You're still leaving a lot of doubt. Guys need a 2X4 to the head. "I'd love to be your friend...oh yeah, and by the way, I'd occasionally like to have sex with you. Are you okay with that? How does Tuesday at 7pm sound at my place?" will work wonders.Thurisas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted February 5, 2008 Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 OK, I am WAAAY too visual!! So, you're saying the caveman clubbing the woman is backwards, that the WOMAN needs the club? LMAO!! And, I can just see Val at the door with a 4x6 (so you can't get away as fast)....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted February 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 Sounds like you are married to YOUR FWB, Pappy. We're still debating on whether we even like each other or not! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted February 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2008 OK, I am WAAAY too visual!! So, you're saying the caveman clubbing the woman is backwards, that the WOMAN needs the club? LMAO!! And, I can just see Val at the door with a 4x6 (so you can't get away as fast).......EQUAL OPPORTUNITY!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MystryKitten Posted February 6, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted February 6, 2008 That's not contradictory at all! A friend with benefits is still, at heart, a friend... not just a f*ckbuddy. A f*ckbuddy is someone you basically only hang out with for the sex, a FWB is still gonna be your friend even if you're no longer having relations. That's the difference to me, anyhow.This is exactly what I mean! You couldn't of discribed it better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nosleepnmesa Posted February 8, 2008 Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2008 Okay I had to jump in on this subject a little and tell you my own experiance. Before I was married of course, I had a very good FWB relationship, In fact to this day we are still good friends. To be honest with you it was in a sense a wam bam thank you, although we are still friends it was a no strings attach thing. He could have anybody he wanted. I will say I am a little confused though, Since it seems like you don't want a relationship but then it seems like you do since you are wondering why the flirt, kiss , then nothing.My good guy friend I have known for many years and we use to flirt all the time etc tell one day it just happened of course this was many many years ago, although it just happened it seemed like a "sympathy " type screw. In fact we laugh about it to this day. There was no passion really in it realy at all. I think that is what really can draw the line between FWB and relationship in some sense. FWB can be hard since you need to keep your feelings out of it, I know since to be honest I could have very easily fallen in love with him, but since I was young at the time I was afraid of ruining our relationship. The men on this board are correct and I agree with them that age has alot to do with it. Hormones are racing all over the place and "testing the water" is very common. I could go on with this forever but I think all the other posters did a great job. I will stop rambling now. LOL Keep us posted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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