Issues

[jhard]

Hello there. I hope I can get some ideas out of you folks. I feel kind of "naked" writing about personal things here.

My wife comes from a very conservative background. Feminum sexuality is non-existant in her background, thats how I see it anyway. Married for 10 years, she never had an orgasm until recently. I bought her a vibrator and basically had to tell her "go play with yourself." Eventually she did, and has had orgasms since then using the vibrator. She does not "like" being kissed anywhere. Going down on me is not something she likes to do, and at best she'll be there for 30 seconds and think she's done. She does not want me to go down on her. I really can not understand this, I am dying to give her pleasure. I am also dying for her to want to give me pleasure. Anyway, problems are not as easy to talk about as the weather, and I kind of leave it be. But my behaviour gives my frustrations away, to the point were I become uncontrollably depressed. I'll be lieing in bed thinking...10 years and no BJ's, 10 years no "passionate sex" and the thoughts keep coming and that is the end of my sleep and the start of a day or two of misery. I am actually ashamed that I can not control this depression that comes up this way.

So, my idea to "fix" this is to buy her toys. I bought several, among them things that we can use together. I hope that over time she will learn her own sexuality and thereby be more interested in being pleasured and also pleasureing me. Can this solve our dilemma? I find it very hard to talk to her about this, it makes her feel inadequeate and she becomes hurt, which is not what I want. She is more than perfect in every other aspect of her being.

[Amylynn920]

Hello there. I hope I can get some ideas out of you folks. I feel kind of "naked" writing about personal things here.

My wife comes from a very conservative background. Feminum sexuality is non-existant in her background, thats how I see it anyway. Married for 10 years, she never had an orgasm until recently. I bought her a vibrator and basically had to tell her "go play with yourself." Eventually she did, and has had orgasms since then using the vibrator. She does not "like" being kissed anywhere. Going down on me is not something she likes to do, and at best she'll be there for 30 seconds and think she's done. She does not want me to go down on her. I really can not understand this, I am dying to give her pleasure. I am also dying for her to want to give me pleasure. Anyway, problems are not as easy to talk about as the weather, and I kind of leave it be. But my behaviour gives my frustrations away, to the point were I become uncontrollably depressed. I'll be lieing in bed thinking...10 years and no BJ's, 10 years no "passionate sex" and the thoughts keep coming and that is the end of my sleep and the start of a day or two of misery. I am actually ashamed that I can not control this depression that comes up this way.

So, my idea to "fix" this is to buy her toys. I bought several, among them things that we can use together. I hope that over time she will learn her own sexuality and thereby be more interested in being pleasured and also pleasureing me. Can this solve our dilemma? I find it very hard to talk to her about this, it makes her feel inadequeate and she becomes hurt, which is not what I want. She is more than perfect in every other aspect of her being.

I don't know if toys per se will fix anything. It seems like her views are deep in her head, it's the way she's programmed so to speak. You really need to discuss how you feel with her, otherwise it's going to be worse for you. And your depressions going to lead somewhere.

She shouldn't be hurt, she needs to turn that around and really listen to you, and start talking. You can buy her all the toys you think will work, but doesn't mean she'll use them.

No one should be that miserable or unhappy with their sex life. I would sit her down and tell her what you've said here. That and maybe a counselor can help her understand herself.

Good luck!

[jhard]

I don't know if toys per se will fix anything. It seems like her views are deep in her head, it's the way she's programmed so to speak. You really need to discuss how you feel with her, otherwise it's going to be worse for you. And your depressions going to lead somewhere.

She shouldn't be hurt, she needs to turn that around and really listen to you, and start talking. You can buy her all the toys you think will work, but doesn't mean she'll use them.

No one should be that miserable or unhappy with their sex life. I would sit her down and tell her what you've said here. That and maybe a counselor can help her understand herself.

Good luck!

She'll use the toys. She likes it, which is good. I know that she is excited about the toys I ordered. I feel that everytime I bring up my concerns, that it takes us backwards making her feel bad/inadequet. My getting down about it is probably just as hard on her and harder on me. Your probably right, I have to find a way of discussing this with her. About getting a BJ, she has told me to go and hire someone to get it done. I have not done this, I am sure it would only lead to more problems. I am really waiting for her to someday want to do this for me, but it is one hell of a wait.

[jesso]

jhard - I'm sorry to hear you are in such a pickle of a situation.

Your wife has apparently not learned how to fully enjoy herself sexually. She's not alone. There are a lot of women out there who have a preconceived notion about what they are supposed to perform sexually to satisfy their man, a check list.

My best advice is for you to be as open and honest as you can be about your sexual dissatisfaction. Maybe not necessarily come out and say This isn't working for me and I want a blowjob. Try a different tactic. Maybe start by explaining that you wish there was more passion in your sex life and that you want to try new things. I applaud you for buying toys. This is a step in getting her to discover her sexuality. However, I don't know if this is going to necessarily solve your problems.

Frankly, if one person is unhappy in the relationship its just not a healthy relationship. You need to deal with this. You need to talk more openly with her because you've already started resenting the situation. If a sex therapist is out of the question, then you need to do your best to explain the importance of this situation for you to her. You may not get that blow job that you want, but you may get your wife to start treating sex in a new light with you.

You might also try further exploring the sex education sextion (pun intended ) of the website. One of the best suggestions I've heard on this website is printing these out for your lover/spouse to read. Mikayla has really done a knock out job of covering some of the basics.

Be Thankful for your Lover

Jump Start Your Sex Life

[Zildjian]

All really good advice so far. One thing that has helped me to want to give oral after years of not wanting to is the words of encouragement that I have gotten from my partners. Maybe start with encouragment over smaller things..like "I love how it feels when I am with you when we do [insert sexual thing you love here]" "You are so hot when we do [sexual thing here]" " I get so turned on when I know that you are using the toys I bought you" "*YOU* being sexual is such a turn on for me." Those kind of things are real confidence buliders and I always want to do MORE for my partner when I hear those things. As long as he's turned on by it and tells me, I will go all out and try all kinds of things I never thought I'd do. oh....um....TMI? Hope not. Hope that helps some.

[jhard]

double sigh...I have no idea??? I mean... I understand the background she has...conservative has a lot to do with it. It's not like it's OK for woman to talk about sex in some of those groups. (I was in a very consevative Church for years) I think it's best if woman DO talk to each other and loosen up a bit. I taught my kids it's the most beautiful thing God ever created. I don't 'get' why some woman don't seem to want to get over that 'block' and really enjoy sex. Definitely get the book that Iha recommends tho. I'm sure it's a slow grueling process...but it is doable with a person who truely loves you and is a good person. You indicated that your wife is. I believe it is doable if she has the right attidude.

Nymph;)

Thanks for the reply folks, just writing about this actually does help. I am actually 6'2", 230 lb and dont talk about feelings ever, I feel like a bit of a boob but what the heck. It is about as comfortable as going to the dentist, which I also got to do today.

I dont have self esteem problems, but my wife does. My personality probably does not help the situation. She often says she does not believe me when I compliment her. I guess what the fellow said about deciding what I will live with and what I will not live without is pretty dead on. I have lots of patience and will continue to have more. That said, I do not plan on leaving this life without having had a few mind blowing blowjobs. None of this bothered my as much before, but now that I'm getting closer to 40 I am starting to feel the "now or never" thing.

Until my last birthday I felt (sexually) like a 17 year old, due to aging...I now feel like an 18 year old. I would prefer sex 7 times a day...knowing this is unrealistic I will settle for 3 times a day. Honestly, every time still feels like the first time for me.

I will have to be gentler, more compassionate and at the right time more honest about where I would like things to go.

[pappyld04]

jhard, feeling like a boob, in a way, is a self-esteem thing. Nothing major but it is what it is. Think of yourself as a student with a bit of experience. Iha of all people here probably has the best insight to this matter so I would really double or even triple read his posts. Mikayla has a lot of great things posted that could be of use to you both also. Here is one reason I wish that a former's posts had not been deleted. There was a lot of info there. I would think that you need a new approach to talk about this with your SO. Insults, jabs and barbs will only further the distance. Tact is what you need to find here. Really consider what you want to say before even thinking of a discussion. One wrong word kills any gain that may have been possible. Religion/belief is not a bad thing unltil it creates this type of problem. And a lot of times it is the parents not the beliefs that cause it. I hope you find a way to make it work!

[jhard]

jhard, feeling like a boob, in a way, is a self-esteem thing. Nothing major but it is what it is. Think of yourself as a student with a bit of experience. Iha of all people here probably has the best insight to this matter so I would really double or even triple read his posts. Mikayla has a lot of great things posted that could be of use to you both also. Here is one reason I wish that a former's posts had not been deleted. There was a lot of info there. I would think that you need a new approach to talk about this with your SO. Insults, jabs and barbs will only further the distance. Tact is what you need to find here. Really consider what you want to say before even thinking of a discussion. One wrong word kills any gain that may have been possible. Religion/belief is not a bad thing unltil it creates this type of problem. And a lot of times it is the parents not the beliefs that cause it. I hope you find a way to make it work!

thanks, growing up we never ever talked about emotions. nobody ever said i love you. i know that we were and are very much loved, but it was never said. i guess that is why it is awkward for me to talk about emotions. i appreciate ihas post, it is very open and applicable to me. depression is a bitch and if you would have tried to explain it to me a year ago i would thought you were nuts. you have to have experienced it to believe it. its also funny how it comes and gos. i know that if i do not have these desires/expectations that i would never get down about them not being fulfilled. but i am who i am and i have the desires/expectations.

by the way, i do tell my wife and kids almost daily that i love them.

ps. i will get that book that iha mentioned. sex is obviously a two way street and i dont for a minute think that my wife is the only one who needs to change.

[jhard]

iha, thanks for your post. i just ordered the book that you mentioned. i feel good about finally taking action about all of this. i think that things will work out.

wish all of you the best

[Tyger]

thanks, growing up we never ever talked about emotions. nobody ever said i love you. i know that we were and are very much loved, but it was never said. i guess that is why it is awkward for me to talk about emotions. i appreciate ihas post, it is very open and applicable to me. depression is a bitch and if you would have tried to explain it to me a year ago i would thought you were nuts. you have to have experienced it to believe it. its also funny how it comes and gos. i know that if i do not have these desires/expectations that i would never get down about them not being fulfilled. but i am who i am and i have the desires/expectations.

by the way, i do tell my wife and kids almost daily that i love them.

ps. i will get that book that iha mentioned. sex is obviously a two way street and i dont for a minute think that my wife is the only one who needs to change.

I'm really glad that you wrote the "PS" to your post, because, if you want for her to change, it's gotta be a 2 way street. She probably has issues with you as well, but won't say anything. This sort of non-communication has to start to change somewhere, and people like to see others trying too, especially when they're being expected to change. Not talking about anything in your relationship (sexual, emotional, financial, whatever) can't expected to get better if you don't address the issue.

Saying "I love you" to her and your kids is a GREAT way to start changing, especially if she knows how you grew up, but, what else is there? You're wanting her to change her whole thought process, which can be a lot deeper for some people. Showing her that you are willing to do some heavy changing yourself, will help her feel that she won't be the only one making an effort, and feeling bad about herself, and possible getting a grudge against you too.

Telling your wife that she doesn't do it for you, no matter how you word it, it's going to make her feel bad. What's going to be tricky, is letting her know that it's not HER your disappointed with, but the lack of passion in the bedroom.

A woman is wired to want to please people in her life. However, if she was instilled with deep-seeded values about sex, then this will be extremely harder for her to try and overcome. Some people have it so ingrained into them that they can't get over it, or never learn HOW to overcome these beliefs. People need to WANT to change as well. If she's happy with how she thinks, feels, and acts, she won't want to change. After all these years, it's worked for her, and it may seem, to her, that you want her to do some uber changing all of a sudden.

If she doesn't like your personality, well, that's a bit harder to address, since, your personality is what makes you YOU. Now, if she just has a problem with your sincerity, that can be worked on. Too much complimenting can sound insincere. So can the tone of the voice. If she has a low self-esteem, then, no matter how sincere you are, she won't believe you, and you can't help that.

There are a lot of issues here that sound like they will need some heavy duty work, and possible some marriage counselling, so you both can learn the TOOLS & SKILLS to make geniune changes that will stick.

Best wishes to you both!

[Wheezer]

Please, please, please, go on line at Amazon and get the following book and read it: "Passionate Marriage" my Dr. David Schnarch.

Your issues are not just sexual, they have to do with a concept called "differentiation". I know intimately of what you are speaking of...read the book and make changes in how YOU approach her...improvements take time and hard work, but if she will not budge, then it is up to you to act. I too not only live with depression, but have been deeply and direly depressed in a similar situation for decades. If nothing else, reading this book and doing what it recommends, on your own, can bring back your self esteem and ease the depression: you will know that you are doing everything possible to make things better...from there, like me, you will have to make some big decisions about what you will live with and what you will not live without.

You are not alone, and yes, it is very very painful to talk about (with your partner and with others in seeking help), especially when you love your partner dearly. Many do not think we guys are capable of such emotional depth, sensitivity or pain...but we are...being 'emotionally naked' IS often more difficult than the physical kind of naked...it's o.k. to be naked here.

One last thought (I don't want to go on forever, but I could!): The toughest challenge may be for her to understand just how much pain this causes you...many women think it's just about the sex and release for us, and do not understand that one important way we express our love for our women is by offering up deep, intense, intimate, and lengthy pleasuring FOR them...our sexual hunger is not just about our penis and orgasm, but about our hunger to CONSUME their entire being in our passion.

sigh

Iha, Couldn't have hit the nail better with a giant hammer. I have just started on this journey after 33 years of marriage. It's a tough journey but I love my wife crazily, more than myself, and am trying to find ways to change me to make me more attractive to her. But while I was growing up, I was in the "you are to be seen and not heard" crowd. Now it is hard to open up and try to say what needs to be said. Especially when both people are that way. Day at a time i think.

[chloegirl]

I know a couple of women who seem to have this same mind set but both of them are quite a bit older than your wife. It seems like that is just the way they were brought up and they stubbornly refuse to even give another point of view a try. They have been married for many, many years, but neither partner is particularly happy in both relationships and they don't care who knows it, they are just plodding along to the end with a barely disguised anger always simmering under the surface. You don't want to end up like that! (Marriage should not be about being a martyr!) Even trying to talk to them about the subject gets them all uptight. The good thing is that your wife is still young enough to bend a little. Maybe it would help her if she had other women she could talk to about sex. If she's not comfortable talking to her friends about it try to get her to read the articles and posts here. Seeing so many other people's thoughts on all this may help her to see that these thoughts and desires are not wrong or strange. Also, it may sound corny, but there are alot of good "erotic-romance" authors out there that write some pretty hot yet interesting stories that might slowly get her mind wrapped around all the delicious possibilities out there without seeming threatning to her! Good Luck!

[pappyld04]

I'm sure that you've seen myself and a few others here speak of the PTSD, and several about depression and so on. That is probably the only way I would have understood it myself. Before I knew it personally I would have said that the person needs a swift kick in the seat of the pants. So I know just what you're saying there. I thought that PTSD was a diagnosis that was used only when the therapist had no clue what was going on and just had to pin a name to it. I'm still undecided about that one even though I;ve been told that I have it. Finding someone who has real life experience either with having it or fixing it is a sure step in the right direction. Being willing to change yourself to change the situation will definitely help if she is willing to put the same effort into it. I just emailed my sis-in-law 2 days ago about my delayed response time to her email. I had to tell her that I have had exactly 0 experience with SILs that were worth my time. Having met my brothers 2 x-wives she does know what I'm talking about. It's not always easy but sometimes it's really worth the time it takes to get there!

[vanilla_bean]

You have be given some great advise, but I want to add to it. I may ramble a bit, but I hope that I say something that is helpful to you. I think that I actually identify with your wife. I too come from a conservative background and had never spoken about sex to anyone. I also have esteem problems, I suppose, and find compliments hard to accept. I have been married for a long time and my long suffering husband had been getting less and less of my attention. Like your wife, I didn't want oral sex, didn't really even want to be kissed. All of that has changed completely. I think that getting her toys is a great first step. That was the beginning of our bedroom revolution. Hot Husband (I always call him that now) went to the city and bought me some toys to play with. This was huge for us. He nervously showed me them one day when the kids were elsewhere. I knew how hard it would have been for him to go to a store and buy these. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to have sex with me forever. He was so sincere and open that I was totally moved. We had a heart-to-heart about our sex life and I was able to believe that he really did find me desirable and attractive.

Jumping ahead, I made good use of those toys and have acquired a few more. I love him and trust him completely. We are so much more bonded than we ever were before. I had no idea, although this may sound ridiculous, that sex was such a vital part of marriage. I feel so much more connected to him in every way. We are so much more open and so much more of a team. It may seem like I'm exaggerating, but honestly, I feel better about myself, my marriage, even about my parenting. Our sex life is,well, amazing lately. There are still times when i hear that nagging voice saying that I am making a fool of myself for being sexual and feeling desirable, but it is becoming dimmer.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you can get through this, it may change your lives in an amazing way. I am really hoping for the best for the both of you. Good luck !!

[Zildjian]

Great post, vanillla bean! Power to you!

[jhard]

Great post, vanillla bean! Power to you!

Thanks Vanilla Bean, your post was great and it described my wife to a T.

jhard

[sun_flower969]

Hi there, You responded to me now I am doing the same. I have to say I probably can relate to your wife (and Vanilla Bean) I was also in a similar situation for most of my early 20's. I have wicked (yeah I'm from MA) low self esteem and it is really hard for me to take compliments. I used to have a hard time reaching orgasm as well. My husband recently has been literally sitting me down and telling me everything he loves about me. It helps and is something that has helped me lose my inhibitions. You have been married for 10 years so she must trust you. See if you can get her to let her guard down, a couple glasses of wine maybe if she likes that or whatever else you may enjoy . Try seducing her. make a whole day of it. Start in the morning with a love note or maybe some sexy emails about how you have been thinking about her. It is her self image that is holding her back. She can't let go because she is afraid or embarrassed. If you can make her feel like the most desired most beautiful woman in the world things could change. Just be PATIENT and keep trying. I was sort of the same way about oral. If he tried to go down, most of the time, I would stop him and be like "oh no honey it's OK" but one time he didn't listen, he pushed my hands away and he went down and did not come up until I really had the greatest orgasm. I swear since then things have been different. even made me want to head "south" myself! LOL Just tell her how much you want her etc. It's hard if you aren't used to talking about this stuff but little by little you will get there. Thank you BTW for your reply on my post. Our marriage has been for the most part great but believe me it is not perfect! Have you considered counseling? Scary I know but for some people it really helps.

Hello there. I hope I can get some ideas out of you folks. I feel kind of "naked" writing about personal things here.

My wife comes from a very conservative background. Feminum sexuality is non-existant in her background, thats how I see it anyway. Married for 10 years, she never had an orgasm until recently. I bought her a vibrator and basically had to tell her "go play with yourself." Eventually she did, and has had orgasms since then using the vibrator. She does not "like" being kissed anywhere. Going down on me is not something she likes to do, and at best she'll be there for 30 seconds and think she's done. She does not want me to go down on her. I really can not understand this, I am dying to give her pleasure. I am also dying for her to want to give me pleasure. Anyway, problems are not as easy to talk about as the weather, and I kind of leave it be. But my behaviour gives my frustrations away, to the point were I become uncontrollably depressed. I'll be lieing in bed thinking...10 years and no BJ's, 10 years no "passionate sex" and the thoughts keep coming and that is the end of my sleep and the start of a day or two of misery. I am actually ashamed that I can not control this depression that comes up this way.

So, my idea to "fix" this is to buy her toys. I bought several, among them things that we can use together. I hope that over time she will learn her own sexuality and thereby be more interested in being pleasured and also pleasureing me. Can this solve our dilemma? I find it very hard to talk to her about this, it makes her feel inadequeate and she becomes hurt, which is not what I want. She is more than perfect in every other aspect of her being.

[jhard]

Miss Sun Flower969,

Thanks for your post. It means a lot to me to hear from you ladies who share simalarities with my wife. I am about to recieve a box of goodies (four sex toys for my very anticipating wife) . I am about to go on a NOKIDSTRIP with her......she will have to wait for the toys until we arrive....ohhhboy ohhhhboy...5 days in the garden of eden, i will send a few pics (landscape only) later.

Why do I address you and some others with Miss? Call me an old sucker for poetry, gitar licks and ryhmes...but I have a fixation on beauty that is hidden but somewhat revealed...and I see that in your's and Miss Bean's posts. I see you are a couple of gals loaded with all the qualities that any guy could want or need, but are sufficiently reserved...good for you. Best of all, some kinds of dribble require a condom but this kind dont. Right about here is where I should BLUSH!

So i will leave you with the words of a song of a friend of mine,

there's a girl i still remember

who's name i can't recall

i gave her what i had

but she tried to take it all

and the song goes on and on and on, but it never ends......

[vanilla_bean]

Hey, aren't things looking up for you. The tone has really changed since the beginning of this tread. It's great to see your commitment to your wife and so encouraging that you're making progress.

Now you're going on a kidless holiday - yay! And your wife has new toys to look forward to- lucky girl!! I hope that both of you have the best time of your lives.

thanks for the kind words to Sun Flower and I - it's an ego boost for sure!!

[calvin]

Hi jhard,

reading this thread, it seems like you have very similar problems to my wife and i, we also both grew up in environments where affection and sex weren't really discussed (they weren't taboo, but werent really openly discussed either, i guess like us, our parents didnt know how). WHich means we havent seen any really good examples of how to discuss them, so we're having to figure it out for ourselves. I know I still have difficulty bringing up the subject of sex sometimes, but it is getting easier (in waves, one day up the next day down) so the message (for you and for us) is to keep practicing.

Low self-esteem is a problem, a great book that really helped me is "feeling good" by David D Burns, its a classic in psychology i think, but also a really practical self-help workbook. You and your wife might find it helps. Taking compliments badly is a classic sign of negative thinking, and that book can help you (either of you) understand the thoughts that are going on. I read the book and kept thinking "oh wow, i do that", realising that is something i could change - just realising is a huge part.

your depression is also perfectly natural, so dont be too hard on yourself about it. but depression comes from lack of hope, and it sounds like you have got some hope going on now.

I hope your no-kids trip goes well. Hopefully in amongst playing with the toys you'll have a lot of open honest discussion about how you both feel. I know from experience that part is hard to do at first, but it gets easier

It sounds like you really love your wife and are really committed to working with her to make good the things in your marriage that are not so satisfactory (even when that involves doing things that make you 'feel like a boob'). SHe's a lucky woman.

Let us know how that trip goes.

Calvin