Wife Reluctant To Blow

[JJlove]

I'm looking for help with my wife's oral situation. She is usually reluctanct to give me a blow job. She has used the hygiene excuse once, even though I keep the hair trimmed and make sure I'm quite clean before bed. Since that excuse I've been scrubbing that entire region and beyond like a surgeon, but it hasn't made any difference.

She also has trouble having an orgasm when I go down on her. Only once in her life has she even come this way (fortunately from my efforts, wish I could remember more of the specifics). Before our marriage, most of my girlfriends seemed to come easily when I went down on them, some multiple times, and I'm making a loving, real effort here. I go down on her fairly regularly, and often she won't let me when I make the move to go there.

I've asked about getting more head, but that doesn't seem to help (except on birthday's and christmas). I am fairly patient but will occassionally make an overt move to get her to do it, which she usually does but not with enthusiasm.

She never swallows, nor would I surprise her in the rare event of getting that far.

Background, this is her 3rd marriage, and she doesn't talk openly about her previous ones. I suspect there may be some issues beyond my knowing.

I've had past girlfriends who loved giving head, so even though I don't expect her to follow any standard, I do know how nice it would be to get and give oral satisfaction more frequently.

Otherwise our sex is somewhat vanilla but loving and good. She comes about 80% of the time from intercourse.

Thanks for any suggestions, JJlove

[pappyld04]

Wife won't blow, asked about getting more head, and I can only bet that she has heard a few other euphamisms. It really sounds like you have left her to feel that it is a dirty taste in her mouth. (pun intended)!

[sun_flower969]

This is a topic that raises it's head (LOL) very frequently. I wonder, how do we convince these women with preconceived notions about oral sex, that it is fun and awesome???!!! The thing is, I think, when you have hangups, whether they are from upbringing or self esteem or what have you, they are hard to shake. The best thing I can say, that may or may not help, is positive reinforcement. Tell her how good it is, how great it feels, while she is doing it, be detailed! ( I love your mouth baby, Your tongue is amazing, OMG you take it so deep etc...) I'll tell you from experience it is a HUGE turn on to hear how much he enjoys what I am doing. It boosts my self esteem and incentives me to want to do it more often! Even on her side tell her how much you love doing it to her, how it turns you on etc. (I love how wet you get, you are so turned on, I love the way you feel in my mouth etc...) Sometimes that is all it takes. She might be feeling like it is a chore for you so that is why she has trouble enjoying it. If you SHOW her it isn't then maybe she will begin to relax and enjoy! Just my thoughts

[ManofHerdreams]

I wish I had an answer for your question, because if I did. Not only would I solve some of our issues at home but I'd probably put it in a book and get rich selling it.

I wish you better luck than I've had.

Man

[Amylynn920]

Ok let's look at what's happening here. It seems to me it's not just her reluctance to go down on you, no matter how much she uses the *cleanliness* excuse. There are ways around that issue for her if that's what it only is and I suspect it's not. She could take you in the shower or a bath and clean you to *her* specifications.

Her unwillingness to let you down there can be two fold. One she is just against any oral play for you or her, and second she may feel if she lets you do this she has to do for you. Which is true. Sex is reciprocal. You do for me, I do for you, otherwise no go.

So how do you get her to want to do it? Well only she can *want* to do it. I assume she is in her 30's? And most women in their 30's want oral. For their men and them.

Why won't she talk about past marriages? Did they end partly due to sexual reasons? Is this her history?

You can only talk to her about what you want. That's all you really can do. But it's not fair she won't do something for you that will certainly not kill her. It's about pleasing your partner.

I simply cannot wrap my mind around people that I hear about on here so often that won't give their partners the pleasure they want. I think it's selfishness. But that's my personal opinion.

Oh and I love the women that give it as a *gift* for birthdays and holidays yeah that's exciting.

And I don't get the women that won't blow their men but will greedily accept oral from their men. That is the ultimate in selfishness. I mean, come on women it's a penis. It doesn't bite. It won't kill you and it will give your man pleasure that no one else can. Unless he chooses to find a woman that does, and trust me there are a lot of us out there. Just ask our men.

[ladylove]

When I was younger, I would give my husband BJ but really didn't enjoy them myself. It wasn't about him it was totally about the way I was raised. After getting through that, I enjoyed it more, however, I didn't like the hair in my mouth, so one night he surprised me by shaving bald and I found I really enjoyed the BJ as much if not more than he did. I don't usually have him cum, because I like penetration sex best.

It took experimenting on the amount of shaving that is pleasing to both of us. I will suggest instead of going bald right off he bat, why don't you shave the boys clean, trim the length of all the remaining pubic hair and buzz around your soldier....It may help. Who knows, it certainly can't hurt!

If you have questions about shaving look in the articles and tips area.

GOOD LUCK!

[tootimidtoo]

It is a mental issue, one I have over come myself. I will tell you I enjoy it 100 times better now that DH goes bald down there. And knowing how much it pleases him is a huge turn on to me. Let her know how much you enjoy it and that she has the control.

[Mikayla1]

Aiden pretty much nailed this one. There are some women out there who just won't give head and don't like oral. Period. It could be any number of reasons why - from those you mentioned, to upbringing, to laziness (yes, laziness). The ultimate undercurrent is: she has some sort of mental block that keeps her from pleasing you in a very basic manner. Yes, oral sex is basic. It is an expected part of a loving, sexual relationship.

What can you do? Talk. Ask. Listen. Complain. Leave her. You have options, and many of these situations end badly - I hope yours doesn't. I would explain your desires in a loving way and see if she is receptive to talking, if not....counseling perhaps! Good luck to you, I don't know how easy this will be for you.

[ginshreve]

Hi JJlove,

I can only add a little from my own experiences to what the others have responded. In two previous relationships, my partners both really wanted oral and it was really hard for me to do with them, because of how they responded when I tried. Both of them attempted to force and hold my head down where they wanted it to be, and pumped forcefully, and complained about where my teeth were (as if I could help that! but I understand the worry) and it just became a fairly unpleasant experience every time, even though I wanted to do what they wanted me to do. For my part, I did not understand that it could be different and did not even have the words to describe to them how I needed them to handle it in order for it to be pleasureable for me. Instruction on their part was along the lines of "harder" "deeper" "put your lips around your teeth" and various grunts and groans. I always finished with a sore jaw and lips that were almost raw inside; not incentive to do it again, I promise you.

With my current FWB, I cannot wait to get him in my mouth because of how he responds! It could not be more different, and I was beyond ecstatic to discover this difference. He leans back and PUTS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD most of the time, they never come close to holding my head in any position, so I am free to move my head as I need to, sometimes shallower and sometimes deeper, as I want. He does not push his hips/penis against me but allows me to do what I am comfortable with. He constantly tells me what I CAN do, like "you can suck harder", and tells me specifically I am doing that feels good so that I know what is working for him. He makes it so enjoyable that I don't WANT to stop!! I really WANT to keep going until he has an orgasm from oral, even when it means less vaginal time for me (which I can be kind of selfish about!) The differences could not be more dramatic. And I can take part of the credit - I read some of the articles on this site about how to give a good bj and really learned a lot about what to do other than just going up and down like a barbershop pole; it was really educational and helpful to me.

I don't know if you see yourself in any of this, and I am not trying to take the heat off of your wife - but I am saying that you might consider this perspective, too, along with the other good suggestions given. As I said, until I experienced the difference, I would not have known how to ask my previous partners to do anything different, so we all went wanting from what I have learned can be a fabulous experience.

As to her response to your oral - your wonderful techniques that worked for previous women might not work for her; she might respond to something totally different - but if she is unable to communicate to you what she wants, you might not happen to stumble upon it for years, if ever! I know I respond best to soft, slow, tantalizing, teasing (sometimes described as what you would do when you are licking a melting ice cream cone) - which is a little hard for my current FWB to grasp; he wants to get in there and work hard and get the job done, but that is not the path to orgasm for me! If she is concerned about the hygiene part, it would really help her for you to tell her how good she smells/tastes/feels, how it turns you on, etc while you are going down on her, so that she becomes more comfortable with the organic nature of oral sex. You might have to try different things; there are some great instructional articles in this site for both of you and I suggest you share them with her and discuss it.

Good luck with this one! Let us know what you find helpful; others can surely benefit, too.

[Tyger]

Everyone's given some fantastic advice already. Of course, always feel free to post as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. That said, there are a few things that remain unclear.

You said that you're her 3rd husband. Have you learned why her first 2 failed? The way I see it, with all due respect to your wife, if she had this aversion before, it may have led to the first 2 divorces. Or maybe 1&2 made her feel dirty, inadequate, or didn't think that a woman needed oral sex, because it's all about THEIR nuts getting off.

How's her self-esteem? She may not feel comfortable with herself (due to insecurities cause by an ex, or just feeling lost *down there*) with oral attention giving and recieving. Or, she could be lazy, and just doesn't want to put forth the effort.

As Mikayla pointed out, she may not LIKE it at all. There are those that don't care for it giving or recieving. For whatever reason. Some don't get pleasure from either.

In any case, the only way to get your wife more comfortable, is to talk with her. She may not LIKE to talk about her past, but, the excuses you have said she gives are just that, EXCUSES. They're not reasonable if you've taken steps to make it more comfortable for her. She needs to let you in, so you both can either understand it, and move on, and/or work on the issue together.

Good luck!

[chloegirl]

It's definitely a mental thing...hopefully discussing it and time will get her to see it in a different light and allow her to let go and enjoy it (both giving and receiving)...You can make alot of difference by really showing and voicing your enthusiasm and enjoyment of it. Good luck to you!

[JJlove]

I want to thank all of you for excellent comments and suggestions. I love my wife very much and am so grateful for her in my life that I will continue to work patiently on this one.

The comments made in the past 12 hours are collectively genius! Thank you all so much.