I Can't Believe He Said That

[ohshelly]

Ok, Don't know if its cuz the weather is cold and wet or I'm just being to sensitive, but S.O. sent me a text this morning that cut me to the quick.

A little background: I was in a 27 year marriage to a guy who used sex as a weapon. he knew my sex drive was in high gear most of the time. He would hold out on me if he was mad about something I had done, had not done, whatever. This is so WRONG. Sex is not a weapon to be used against your S.O. The last five years of our marriage we had NO SEX AT ALL. I was on my own for awhile, and it was going on 7 years with no sex when I met my S.O.

He knows exactly how I feel about sex, and why. Sex is used as a way to bring closeness and connection between people. never to be used against them. A loving relationship doesn't look for ways to 'get back' at your partner. I also have a rule that we never sleep apart. Nobody gets kicked outta bed for any reason.

This morning he left a note asking me to get out the flannel sheets and wash them so we can flip the mattress and remake the bed for cold weather. No problim, I can do that. I texted him and said "Does that mean we can break the sheets in tonight? Love you handsome." You see, the Dear stepson is going out of town for the weekend and we where thinking WHOOHOO! Love him to pieces, but you parents reading this know how that is.

He texts me back a little later and says "If you clean the kitchen, too, then we will." WTF??? Even if he was kidding, it isn't funny. He knows how strongly I feel about the whole bartering for sex thing. He knows it is one of my biggest issues in a realtionship. I need physical affection, I know it, he knows it, and it is not something I take lightly. Why would he even say such a thing? I was instantly hurt, and told him so. No response. None.

I love this mans children and treat them like my own, same with his grandkids and parents. I take care of his animals, clean his house, do his laundry and make whatever he wants when he wants it. Ok, I'll be honest, I am not fond of cleaning, but the health department isn't going to shut us down, either. The floors and counters are clean and things are picked up, but there are prob. smudges on the light switches and the baseboards need to be dusted, that kind of stuff. The Ex wife was real anal about the house, and he liked that. I'm not. She also didn't enjoy sex, I do.

My Ex was loaded and we had a cleaning lady. Now I don't. Do I bitch at him about that?? NEVER!! How many guys want to hear about what she used to have? S.O. never knew about the cleaning lady until about a month ago when the stepson and I where talking. D.S.S. told me his mom didn't spend time with him because she spent all her time cleaning. Does S.O. remember how miserable that boy was before I moved in and turned him around? It took time, it wasn't some magic I performed. I spent time with the son, paying attention to what he said and listening to him.

I love my life here, I am happy. I gave up 'stuff' but found things in my new lifr that where so much better then all the material things in the world. Thats why I'm hurt. Chores done don't equal sex in my book. Alright, rant over.

[mystofpric]

Well I get why your hurt, 100%. In fact I see both reasons why you hurt, the cleaning bit could make you feel less than the ex (though remember she the EX) and the sex part goes against your feelings. I say screw him. Do just what you do normally then do whatever you want babe. In fact, break in the sheets on your own, leave the toy out (or a toy) and when he says something about breaking them, tell him you already did, kiss him good night and roll over.

[ohshelly]

Thank you, Suzy. You always manage to make me laugh!

[mystofpric]

Thank you, Suzy. You always manage to make me laugh!

Any time babe you needed it i think

[littlemissnonamegirl]

It seems to me you do ENOUGH cleaning. things don't have to be super spotless right? and he shouldn't be bringing sex into whether you do this or that. Oy.

thump him in the nuts. =]

I hope your day gets better my love.

[pappyld04]

I'm with Tiny! THUMP HIS SQUIRREL BAIT!

[sun_flower969]

Oh geez I can relate... I am BAD about cleaning too... I can totally imagine my husband saying something like that to me!

It was probably a "loaded joke" KWIM? he was half kidding. I would leave the kitchen and dress in lingerie. When he tries to start things You could be like Oh but I didn't clean the kitchen...

[sun_flower969]

Oops computer glitch sorry!

[ladylove]

He may have seen, "Does that mean we can break the sheets in tonight? Love you handsome", as you opening the bargaining or flirting. Talk to him and see if it's what he's thought. If he did, then he'll have no idea what your so upset about. The biggest thing is to talk, open those lines of communication, so you can clear the air.

[Tyger]

I KWYM. I hate cleaning, but I do it. This is a sensitive topic with me (and a few other SAHM's too) I'm a SAHM right now. But that doesn't mean that I will do 100% of everything, just cuz he brings home the $$! My DH is like "I want my week off to be MY week off". WTF??? When do I get a week off????? He knows better not to make stipulations like that with me, cuz I'm bitchy enough where I will tell him that he can get off HIS ass and clean whatever it is that he wants cleaner, cuz I did it my way, and if he doesn't like that, tough shit. I've always been like that though. His other wives (2), were slobs, so on the rare occassions that he slips and says something, I tell him to go back to one of them, or find himself another woman, cuz I am as good as I get, baby! LOL I've always been upfront about what I will and will not do....and I swear he thinks that he'll change that, but he won't. It's causing some issues, him not accepting who I am with that. But that's another story.

I agree with you. Sex should never ever be used as a bargaining chip. Where he knows you're sensitive about it, he shouldn't have done that, but he may have forgotten, and just slipped up. If he brings it up again, tell him that if he wanted a wife that was anal about the cleaning, he should've stayed with his first wife.

IMHO, we can't do it all, and still have time to spend with the families guys. Ya gotta learn that. Get off your duffs and help out too, or shut up and take it as it is.

[ohshelly]

Thanks everybody. We had a talk, and as soon as he hit the send button, he went OOPS! and didn't know if I'd laugh or cry

when I got the text. (I cried) duh!!

He says he does not compare me to the ex, he has his own set of standards he wants for the house. (in my opinion, I still think he does compare us) I say great, I'll do it my

way and then you can go back and do it the way you want if it is not good enough. Yep, if he wanted Martha Stewart, he shoulda

kept the ex, with her comdom covered blow jobs twice a year,and all the rest of her weird little hang ups. We talked until he fell asleep,

but I stayed awake and cried awhile longer.

In his defense, to be fair, he is a cheesemaker by trade. Things have to be extremely sanitary in the dairy business, and he takes his job seriously.

He is a perfectionist in his work, and he takes great pride in his products. He has won many state awards for his artisan cheeses. However, I am running a

household with pets, his son, plus our adult kids and five grandsons who are in and out of here at various times. I'm telling you, my floors, kitchen and bathroom are clean.

He thinks clean is spraying down with bleach and mopping after each meal. No way!! This is a home, people live here day in and out. I don't have the state inspectior here

twice a month. (Oh,wait, he lives here, doesn't he? Ha ha)

He got up before me and made breakfast this morning. That was nice. He is a very sweet and thoughtful guy most of the time.

We talked more this morning, and we both know the way the other feels, although we are still not in full agreement of what clean means.

We do agree that sex should not be a bargaining chip, he said he was sorry about that, he wasn't thinking. (You where right, Poon!)

And no, I didn't get any lovin' lastnight, he fell asleep. On the bright side, DSS is gone until tomorrow, and Sweetcheeks has the weekend off.

I'm gonna give him a V8 and Geritol for lunch. heeheehee.............

[pappyld04]

Sweetcheeks would hate to live in this house! Never has been and never will be that clean! Gla that he saw his mistake as soon as he made it though!

[mystofpric]

If you want to be the bigger person and get back at him at the same time, Put on something sexy, or even just cute heels and do some house work. Nothing says sexy liek vaccuming in heels.

[sass]

If you want to be the bigger person and get back at him at the same time, Put on something sexy, or even just cute heels and do some house work. Nothing says sexy liek vaccuming in heels.

I love that idea! He wants a clean house ... give it to him!

[vanilla_bean]

I'm glad you're working this out. I don't have your background, but that would have got my back up too!

[ohshelly]

Sweetguy and I stayed in bed late this moring. NOT SLEEPING, EITHER!!

Keep in mind a workday starts at 4 a.m. around here, ok?

Anyway, we roll out at about 11:20 and he is making breakfast for me.(Two days in a row!)

The D.S.S. drives in a couple minutes later from his trip out of town. We didn't expected him until around 6 p.m.

Sweetguy says 'Why are you home so early?' D.S.S. says 'Early? I'm almost an hour late.I thought you guys would be really worried'.

Sweetguy and I look at each other stupidly. D.S.S. says 'I texted you this morning about 7:30.'

We both go find our phones and I said 'oh yeah, right here. He sure did!'

He looks at us and half shouts 'OMG! What the hell have you been doing?'. As the words come out,

you can see the light come on behind his eyes. He starts up to his room. I ask if he is hungry.

He doesn't answer, just keeps going, grumbling. I set a place, he comes back a few minutes later and sits down, eats with us

and tells us all about his weekend. He is happy and full of stories. He had a great time.

As he gets up to leave the table he looks right at me and says 'NO! I don't want to hear about your weekend!' and winked at me.

Such a funny funny kid!

[12GAUGE]

Thanks everybody. We had a talk, and as soon as he hit the send button, he went OOPS! and didn't know if I'd laugh or cry

when I got the text. (I cried) duh!!

He says he does not compare me to the ex, he has his own set of standards he wants for the house. (in my opinion, I still think he does compare us) I say great, I'll do it my

way and then you can go back and do it the way you want if it is not good enough. Yep, if he wanted Martha Stewart, he shoulda

kept the ex, with her comdom covered blow jobs twice a year,and all the rest of her weird little hang ups. We talked until he fell asleep,

but I stayed awake and cried awhile longer.

In his defense, to be fair, he is a cheesemaker by trade. Things have to be extremely sanitary in the dairy business, and he takes his job seriously.

He is a perfectionist in his work, and he takes great pride in his products. He has won many state awards for his artisan cheeses. However, I am running a

household with pets, his son, plus our adult kids and five grandsons who are in and out of here at various times. I'm telling you, my floors, kitchen and bathroom are clean.

He thinks clean is spraying down with bleach and mopping after each meal. No way!! This is a home, people live here day in and out. I don't have the state inspectior here

twice a month. (Oh,wait, he lives here, doesn't he? Ha ha)

He got up before me and made breakfast this morning. That was nice. He is a very sweet and thoughtful guy most of the time.

We talked more this morning, and we both know the way the other feels, although we are still not in full agreement of what clean means.

We do agree that sex should not be a bargaining chip, he said he was sorry about that, he wasn't thinking. (You where right, Poon!)

And no, I didn't get any lovin' lastnight, he fell asleep. On the bright side, DSS is gone until tomorrow, and Sweetcheeks has the weekend off.

I'm gonna give him a V8 and Geritol for lunch. heeheehee.............

Far be it from me to say anything out of line.....I think your bf is out of line. I worked in a cheese/butter plant for 11 1/2 years about 17 years ago. Cleanliness there is number one. We used acid to clean the make tables. Caustic and burning hot water in the CIP system. Steam hoses every 40-60 feet. Stainless steel equipment throughout the plant. We used ALOT of chlorine on cleanup. We made USDA#1 cheese and butter. With what sounds like 6 or more + pets living under one roof housekeeping is a real job. I bet you do most if not all of it. If you vacuum and mop kitchen and tile floors once a week thats good. Laundry for that sized crew sounds ominous to me. You might try this trick. My Mom used to use Pine Sol. I still love the smell to this day and its a nicer aroma than chlorine in my book. In order to keep the peace you might fill a spray bottle with a diluted bleach solution for wiping counters and kitchen table and appliances.

[ohshelly]

Far be it from me to say anything out of line.....I think your bf is out of line. I worked in a cheese/butter plant for 11 1/2 years about 17 years ago. Cleanliness there is number one. We used acid to clean the make tables. Caustic and burning hot water in the CIP system. Steam hoses every 40-60 feet. Stainless steel equipment throughout the plant. We used ALOT of chlorine on cleanup. We made USDA#1 cheese and butter. With what sounds like 6 or more + pets living under one roof housekeeping is a real job. I bet you do most if not all of it. If you vacuum and mop kitchen and tile floors once a week thats good. Laundry for that sized crew sounds ominous to me. You might try this trick. My Mom used to use Pine Sol. I still love the smell to this day and its a nicer aroma than chlorine in my book. In order to keep the peace you might fill a spray bottle with a diluted bleach solution for wiping counters and kitchen table and appliances.

Thanks, 12Gauge, That is some good advise. I'm glad you know what the business is like, you can understand where he is coming from

but how unrealistic that kind of cleanliness is in a home, espically with animals and kids in and out. Floors are vacuumed every day and mopped every third day.

Yep, I am the only cleaning lady/laundress/cook we have!

I am working 12 hour days at an outside job until Christmas. Yikes! My day starts at 4:45 a.m. I love the job, but I'm beat.

I am ready to fall on my face. This is the latest I have been up all week.

Is it worth it? Don't know yet. I will make enough $$ in these few weeks to heat the house all winter. I'll let you know when it is all over!

Thanks again for the ideas, 12G, very much appreciated!! I like Pine Sol,too! Shell