Cheating?

[Guest eminatic]

i believe the spouse in question ALWAYS has a right to know. i know that i would rather know than continually be played for a fool.

[ladylove]

i believe the spouse in question ALWAYS has a right to know. i know that i would rather know than continually be played for a fool.

E, I agree any one has a right to know; but would you still tell someone if they didn't want to know, or that person wasn't a good friend? Would you feel it your responsibility once you knew?

[sass]

i believe the spouse in question ALWAYS has a right to know. i know that i would rather know than continually be played for a fool.

I understand this. You say "continually be played for a fool." Do you and others think that if your SO has sex with another person, that you are played for a fool until you find out, even if it is only once or if it is honestly over? I guess I am curious when others feel like they are being played: when they don't know something has happened or if that something is continuing to happen. Make sense? There are reasons for these questions.

Great thread, BTW, I am finding it very interesting.

[synirr]

I'd want to be told, but when it comes to telling someone else they're being cheated on, I'd only tell a good friend... though I'd first threaten to tell as a way to get the cheater to fess up, no matter what the situation.

When my BF and I first started dating he was going through a lot of stuff, and he slipped up at a party one night, had too much to drink, and slept with some girl. We weren't an "official" couple, although it was pretty much understood that we weren't sleeping with other people at that point, so I didn't feel justified in being angry, but it hurt a lot. Nothing came of it, and if he hadn't told me I'd have missed out on some heartache, but I'm glad that he did tell me... it was obviously bothering him too, I'm sure he felt bad about it and was probably afraid of losing me. It took a lot of guts for him to face me, and I'm glad that even then he had enough respect for me to tell me.

[pappyld04]

Since I'm not a mushroom I would want to know! Avoiding the problem does nothing but give it room to grow.

[Guest eminatic]

You say "continually be played for a fool." Do you and others think that if your SO has sex with another person, that you are played for a fool until you find out, even if it is only once or if it is honestly over?

yes.

NOTHING good can EVER come from building on top of a lie. if the relationship is to have a chance at truly being salvaged, the cheater must come clean and start over. the more time and feelings invested in a relationship, the worse it will be when the truth finally comes out (and it WILL). it is the cheater's responsibility to confess and they owe it to their partner.

[raniedaize]

If I was being cheated on, yes I would want to know. If it were an affair (or even just recurring sex), I pretty much guarantee you that it'd be a deal breaker. I'm the type of girl where I'm either sufficient enough or nothing at all. However, if it were an unplanned one nightstand type thing and he fessed up to it, we'd definitely have some serious discussions about that and everything else. Maybe, just maybe, the relationship can be salvaged. Would I think I was being played as a fool? Perhaps. If it were an ongoing thing, most likely. However, if it were just one random act, I understand the stress of sharing the truth of a person bad decision. In that case, perhaps not. In other words, it depends upon the circumstances of the situation.

If I knew beyond a doubt that the SO of someone I knew was indeed cheating on them, YES I would take action. First, I'd talk to that SO. Then, if that does no good, I would tell my friend. Why? Because I'd like the same courtesy shown to me. Now, if I knew they did NOT want to know, I would honor their decision and keep it to myself.

[Sunday]

Sunday, You say you would know. So why is the old saying "The spouse is the last to know"?

And:

If you think you would know, why are so many spouses in a state of shock when they find out. I know we all would like to think we would know, but Do you really think you would know?

Just questions to ponder.

In a couple of past relationships I would not have known (in one she was cheating. I knew there was something wrong, but I didn't know what. Turned out she had been engaged to some other guy when we started dating, so I guess technically she was cheating on HIM with me. It went on for two years before I found out. )

In my current relationship we are so close and spend so much time together that it would be very hard for her to be seeing someone else withoug me knowing it.

[sun_flower969]

No good answer to this. Hurts to find out that the person you thought loved you has gone looking elsewhere. I've lived that. But its a different kind of pain not knowing why your relationship has gotten weird, distant, or less affectionate, and why there are so many times when someone is "working late" or "going out with friends without you" more often.

Oh boy can I relate to that! Having been in that exact situation! I would want to know definitely. I lived that "weird, distant" thing and it just about drove me crazy. Landed me in therapy and then I found out I was right!

Oh, I would want to know...and expect my gal pals to tell me right away! In the age of STDs and all the other shit, it is important to know. I also, would want to know 'is this something I can or want to save????'

ALso to consider here is, 'if you knew that your friend's hubby was cheating (or wife, as the case may be) would you feel obligated to tell them, or would you just say, 'not my business?'

I ask that question for a reason, which I will divulge later....

I certainly would expect, if someone who loved me knew that he was doing that behind my back, for them to tell me yeah and vice versa. If I saw a friends SO out w/ another female and it looked shady I would totally tell them!

[ladylove]

Hay Mikayla are you ready to divulge yet?

[ladylove]

I was discussing this again with one of the women and remember this thread ........ Mikayla I'm dying to know the reason for your questions. Are you ready to tell yet?

[Grumpy Bear]

Well, I can only relate my experience and say that the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree...

Going back 25 years here, before the Mrs and I started dating... the girl I was dating for maybe a month or so took me to meet her grandmother.... we were there maybe a half hour and in walks her mom and some guy that was not her dad.... I was actually introduced to him and told that he was "mom's boyfriend" and everyone knew.... hmmm? Well, ok then.....

The warning lights and gongs were going off, but being 20 I was thinking with the little head at the time..... Two months later my sixth sense jangled a bit and I suspected that she had hooked up with an ex at a party (in a car in the driveway while I was inside talking to friends) - she later confirmed this but said she was just "comforting him" 'cuz he was fighting with his wife..... (remember this for later) Now I'm still thinking with the little head cuz, well he's really happy and doesn't want to mess up a good thing.... Coming into Christmas time, she starts hinting that she wants some "jewelry" for christmas.... you know, the kind that us guys are supposed to spend two months pay on...

Um... we've been dating maybe 6 months and quite frankly the sex is good but the "spidey sense" was constantly tingling.... the big head now reasserts control over the little head and promply starts dragging the heels... Christmas goes by and we have a bit of a blow up 'cuz she insists that she wants to go visit an ex just home from the army (happens to be someone I grew up with but didn't know she had dated him). She did not want to go over the next day, and did not want me to go along so I stop the car in front of his parents house and tell her to get the fuck out..... She show up at my door an hour and a half later and appologizes... I drove her home and to this day figure she gave him a "welcome home" fuck...... more spidey sense tingling here....

Yeah.. the death spiral had started.... So we are together for about 9 months now and we've been going to different local colleges the last 6 months.... Now I have to say that I have a lot of friends and acquaintences and she either didn't notice, or care.... I had a friend that happened to go to her school, knew we were dating, and kinda kept his eyes & ears open....About a week before Valentines day he called me and said he needed to talk to me about her.... and her regular "weekly study group"....... suffice to say she was never very faithful.....

Now I did take a bit of pay back.... she moved in with the guy from school and kept showing up at a mutual friends place while I was there... I sent her home reaking of Polo a time or three before she moved across the state to continue her education..... Hey, I was young, horny, unattached, and had no qualms about it at the time... as much payback for him as her. Later, I had heard she was engaged briefly to another guy and she didn't understand why he broke it off when she told him she had screwed her ex.... (the guy I sent the Polo samples to)...

Noticing any patterns here???

Anyway.... would I tell? I did.... at least what I knew happened while one of my best friends was pased out New Years Eve.... Sensed that something was in the air and I had to get the girlfriend home.... got her there home and returned as quickly as I could. When i got back his wife was all but throwing herself at two of our - at the time best friends and they looked mighty guilty and uncomfortable about my return.... she later admitted that she had a long term affair with at least one of these two guys that started that night .... resulted in a bitter divorce.

[ladylove]

Good thing your 'spidey sense' kicked in or it could have been you.

[christinaf085]

Out at lunch one day a couple of women and I were talking about who's cheating on who, which spouse know, which don't, who's getting divorced, and of course who's crazy for not getting divorced. At some point during the discussion I asked "would you want to know or do you prefer to be blind". Out of the 5 women including myself everyone but myself didn't want to know. All these women have post graduate degrees, work and could live on there income alone. I however am the only one who no longer works. I was so dumbfounded by there reactions. I still think about it and don't understand it. I'm not asking for you to explain it, I'm simply asking you, WOULD YOU OR WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?, and why.

I would want to know. I think everyone has a little bit of a different definition of what is cheating and what is ok and I would want to know so I could decide weather he was still worth fighting for.

[SHEABUTTER]

I WOULD WANT TO KNOW. BASED ON HOW FAR THEIR RELATIONSHIP WENT WOULD DETERMINE MY ABILITY TO FORGIVE AND STAY OR SAY FUCK IT AND MOVE ON. I FEEL IF THE OTHER PERSON IS BOLD ENOUGH TO MESS AROUND THEN THEY SHOULD TELL YOU AND LET U DECIDE. ESP. IF THEY HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THE OTHER PERSON. YOU DONT TO SUFFER HEALTH WISE FOR THEIR UNFOOLISH ACTS!

[jhard]

Oh boy can I relate to that! Having been in that exact situation! I would want to know definitely. I lived that "weird, distant" thing and it just about drove me crazy. Landed me in therapy and then I found out I was right!

I certainly would expect, if someone who loved me knew that he was doing that behind my back, for them to tell me yeah and vice versa. If I saw a friends SO out w/ another female and it looked shady I would totally tell them!

Hi Sun,

A friend of mine had a moment of indescretion and ended up doing something with a gal he did not know. I later asked him if he would tell his wife and he said no. He was remorseful and in pain from the mistake he had commited, but he told me he did not know how in the world it would help to cause his wife the same pain or worse. The thing that does count is to do some house cleaning and make damn sure it does not happen again. I feel the same way my friend did. If my wife did something like that, I would not want to know.

jhard

[jhard]

Here's a short verse that certainly fits the situation that my friend got himself into.

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

And you always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

jhard

[ladylove]

Here's a short verse that certainly fits the situation that my friend got himself into.

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

And you always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

jhard

Beautiful!

I would still want to know. If there is an indiscretion,, it is my belief there is a reason for it. I would want to fix the problem so the problem doesn't repeat the action.

[sass]

Here's a short verse that certainly fits the situation that my friend got himself into.

You always hurt the one you love

The one you shouldn't hurt at all

You always take the sweetest rose

And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

And you always break the kindest heart

With a hasty word you can't recall

So if I broke your heart last night

It's because I love you most of all

jhard

You almost made me cry, J.

That is one of the most fitting things I have read in awhile.

[crossroads123]

I would want to know. I WOULD know. I can't imagine being in a "relationship" and being so far removed from the other person that they could be involved with someone else and I didn't know it. If my life was that far removed from my partner, I'd probably be looking to end the relationship just on that basis, whether they were sleeping around or not.

I hate to disagree with you, but you may not always know. My job requires me to be gone sometimes for weeks at a time. My ex and I had raised our children and were alone at home. We had a wonderful sex life and were soul mates, or so I thought. We had just moved back home and built our dream house and seemed like we were living the "perfect" marriage. I was completely destroyed when I found out she was cheating on me. She not only was cheating, but walked out leaving me over $250,000.00 in debt. You think you would know, but there was NO indication that there was anything wrong in our marriage. I"m sorry, but I don't thing you will always know, if you love that person you are not looking for those clues and sometimes we have blinders on for love.

[ohshelly]

I hate to disagree with you, but you may not always know. My job requires me to be gone sometimes for weeks at a time. My ex and I had raised our children and were alone at home. We had a wonderful sex life and were soul mates, or so I thought. We had just moved back home and built our dream house and seemed like we were living the "perfect" marriage. I was completely destroyed when I found out she was cheating on me. She not only was cheating, but walked out leaving me over $250,000.00 in debt. You think you would know, but there was NO indication that there was anything wrong in our marriage. I"m sorry, but I don't thing you will always know, if you love that person you are not looking for those clues and sometimes we have blinders on for love.

Same with me, Chuck. Never saw it coming. Never had a reason to question or doubt him.

I loved him without question and was blind. I'm not that way anymore. I pay attention and question things.

Me? I would want to know. People I thought where friends and knew never told me. I don't consider that friendship.

[jhard]

Beautiful!

I would still want to know. If there is an indiscretion,, it is my belief there is a reason for it. I would want to fix the problem so the problem doesn't repeat the action.

There is a reason for the indiscretion, it is 7-8" long and has two egg shaped thingy's attached to it's base. Not all women are interested in "fixing the problem". For instance, my wife's lack of passion has been bothering for several years, at times to the point of getting depressed. Recently, she jokingly told me that she wished I was a dog. She said that I could then suck my own dick! Great humor, to bad she meant it. She knows that I am not happy, but she appears unable to change. Just like I find it very difficult to live with an unpassionate (no kissing, no oral, how much longer do you want to stay in bed! remarks) love life. So I try to spice her up and live with the rest, and am glad that Willie N. wrote some great songs (like the one I posted) to smooth out the bumps, if and when they arrive.

jhard

[ohshelly]

I am sorry things have to be this way for you, jhard.

Life sure isn't fair.

[ladylove]

There is a reason for the indiscretion, it is 7-8" long and has two egg shaped thingy's attached to it's base. Not all women are interested in "fixing the problem". For instance, my wife's lack of passion has been bothering for several years, at times to the point of getting depressed. Recently, she jokingly told me that she wished I was a dog. She said that I could then suck my own dick! Great humor, to bad she meant it. She knows that I am not happy, but she appears unable to change. Just like I find it very difficult to live with an unpassionate (no kissing, no oral, how much longer do you want to stay in bed! remarks) love life. So I try to spice her up and live with the rest, and am glad that Willie N. wrote some great songs (like the one I posted) to smooth out the bumps, if and when they arrive.

jhard

An age old story, I'm just sorry it's happening to you. To much mom, not enough wife/lover. If your kids are young there is still hope for the future; if not the choice is yours.

[square]

After thinking about this thread, and skimming the "Secret Liasons" thread in the Article Submission section last night (haven't had time to give it a proper read yet), I found myself on the way to bed last night half wanting to ask my wife if she had ever cheated on me. Not, "are you now," but "did you ever, even if you aren't now." Not that I think she is or ever has. I'm not at all worried about it (though sure, she could be, but I really don't think she is).

Then I thought, ya know, I'd really just rather not know. Things are pretty good between us for the most part, now. No good can come from knowing. It would only hurt. I just don't wanna know.

Now, that's for a past indescretion. I'm still not sure my answer for if it were happening now. Gotta think some more on it.