Jealous Of Your Spouse/so's Porn Collection?

[Tyger]

Let's face it, as women, we have it good and bad. It's great to be a woman most of the time. Minus the monthly cramping/bleeding, childbirth, stretchmarks, sometimes it's just awesome! We can dress up for no reason at all, pamper ourselves silly, flirt outrageously, and proclaim it all as our right as being a woman! We get doors opened for us, chairs held, dinners paid for, respect (never hit a woman/treat a lady with respect), and, down south, we get the awesome cowboy hat-dips!!!

However, we have another curse: insecurity. Many of us ladies suffer from "Am I good enough for him?" And the "I should be enough for him, right?" We have this almost insatiable urge to please everyone around us, including our men. This is a good and a bad thing, IMO.

Which brings me to my question: Are you jealous of his porn collection? Do you feel that, YOU should be enough, and he shouldn't NEED to watch those films (or read those magazines)? Do you feel like your spouse?SO is cheating on you with porn?

What is the worst part? Is your spouse/SO aware of your feelings? What has he said to try and make you feel better/more secure about it?

Do you think it's normal for you to feel this way? Do you think it's abnormal for men to watch porn?

I'd love to hear your thoughts (or, in this case, read them).

[leslieanne]

Haven't had to deal with this myself (current SO has no porn collection other then the one DVD I gave him and exhubby denied having any - who knows if that was true) .......... however not long ago help a very dear, long time friend deal with this.

She has been married 20 yrs - about 10yrs into their marriage she found a large # of playboy magazines - her hubby said he rarely if ever looked at them and proceeded to toss them all at her request. Unfortunately they did not discuss it any more at that time. Fast forward to about 1 yr ago - again she found a large collection of printed porn while they were rearranging and cleaning out a walk in closet. She was very upset and hurt - mainly because they have a very meager sex life due to lack of interest on his part - it seemed to her that the printed porn was a substitute for sex with her.

Her sex drive has always been stronger then his - she has dealt with it by using toys whenever she was interested and he wasn't. He has never been willing to use toys (or oral sex or mutal masterbation) as a part of their sex life as he feels straight forward intercourse should be enough to satisfy her.

When she talked to me about it I encouraged her to at least try to talk with him to see what he wanted/needed in their sex life and also to help her to understand that porn is rarely an instead of.......well in her (or should I say their case) it was an instead of - he state he enjoyed looking at the porn more then actually having sex - "it's just easier, less energy on my part and I don't need to worry about whether or not you're satisfied". he went on to tell her that his had been his preference his whole life - it was the same in his first marriage.

So at least now it's no longer a hidden subject - she still is hurt, yet realizes it is not a reflection on her - that it's his issue. unfortunately neither of them are willing to do anything more about it.

My contribution ....... a willingness to listen and to give her a vibrator on her birthday every year so she can continue to enjoy herself.

[chloegirl]

I've never had to deal with that problem either....I'm usually the one that might point something out to him. When I was younger I'm pretty sure I would have been way too insecure to not be hurt or offended....now I'm confident enough to take it in stride. Hubby and I were talking about this just last night tho....it kind of creeps both of us out when grown men are really into the young girl thing....there's just something kind of sick and twisted about a man (or woman) having the hots for someone the same age as your daughters! (then again...I know no one wants to look at the "old" broads either so catch-22 there!)

[sun_flower969]

OK here's my feeling on this topic... I think porn, like anything if used in MODERATION is fine normal and serves a purpose.

My issue is when, in some cases, it gets out of control, for some guys. Obsessing, objectifying, collecting clips and sneaking around... you know what I mean! If it becomes an actual NEED then it is a problem.

I think porn is for mature adults. If you are exposed to it at too young of an age I feel strongly that it can cause confusion between reality and the "entertainment value" of porn. In the same way, I think it sets unrealistic expectations of how women are supposed to look. Which causes a LOT of insecurity in women, thinking they have to measure up and look like/act like them to please their man. It takes a mature person to be able to know the difference.

I have felt the insecurity sure. It was a real issue for me for a long time and affected how I felt in bed! I felt like I was just a vessel for him to use while fantasizing about his porn stars!! It really messed with my head for years!!

We talked it out and after a lot of things that happened in our marriage, he stopped watching. Now I have a very different perspective! We fulfill each others fantasies we are turned on by each other not the flicker of the TV!!

We don't watch porn in my house but sometimes we make our own!

[sass]

I am not bothered when my SO looks at printed, online or video porn but I agree with Sunny that it can get to the point that it becomes an obsession. If it were to get to that point, then yes, I would be concerned but not just because of the subject matter but because of the dangers of any obsession.

[mailahn97]

To me it doesn't bother me as I compare it to shopping. He is just window shopping and not purchasing. It shows that he is not dead and that his sex drive is very alive. Just as I know he has no problem with me doing it as well. Hell he will find videos and send me the links just as I have done the same. Also I will see pics and send them to him. I never had a problem. I think it also goes hand in hand with the confidence and trust levels within a relationship.

[ladylove]

I always say it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite from (as it doesn't get in the way and)

As Long As HE Always Comes Home To Eat!

[blueberry]

I've had problems with insecurity (that caused jealousy) but they certainly were not related to my man having a porn 'collection' (how much porn makes a collection anyway? ). We watched porn many times together, and enjoyed it and I asked him several times to get more from his friends for us to watch (which he did). I love porn and I keep some on my computer. I love watching it when I'm alone and masturbating while I do so and I've never even thought about comparing my bf or his 'performance' with what I watch. So I've never given much thought to him watching porn and jerking off to it without me knowing it. He was doing it, without a doubt. I don't mind - I think it's natural. It never got in the way of us having sex - it may have only helped The only thing I regret is that we never had an open conversation that went along the lines of "I've seen something in porn that turned me on so much and I would like to try it with you..."

[Tyger]

Actually, the large DVD collection is mostly MINE!! LOL Hubby has the magazines, of course, and a couple of DVDs that he got or that his co-workers passed on to him. Hubby LOVES the benefits of having a "freak for a wife", so he tells his co-workers! LMAO

Porn is all about fantasy. I agree that, if it's causing your SO to replace YOU with the porn, then it's a problem. But, I've never been offended by my man asking me if I wanted to watch it.

[Shoop]

However, we have another curse: insecurity. Many of us ladies suffer from "Am I good enough for him?" And the "I should be enough for him, right?" We have this almost insatiable urge to please everyone around us, including our men. This is a good and a bad thing, IMO.

Which brings me to my question: Are you jealous of his porn collection? Do you feel that, YOU should be enough, and he shouldn't NEED to watch those films (or read those magazines)? Do you feel like your spouse?SO is cheating on you with porn?

What is the worst part? Is your spouse/SO aware of your feelings? What has he said to try and make you feel better/more secure about it?

Do you think it's normal for you to feel this way? Do you think it's abnormal for men to watch porn?

I'd love to hear your thoughts (or, in this case, read them).

WHEW! This is a huge one for me. I told my boyfriend the other day that I wanted to be EVERYTHING to him and he said that I should stop trying because it was impossible. True, I know, but it makes me sad.

Luckily my man doesn't have a huge collection, but he does watch the dvd's he has with some frequency. How often I don't know (I purposely try to not keep track) but I do know that whenever I see "anal babes" in the dvd player I feel a flicker of deep sadness which I have to push away. I feel like I couldn't BE more sexual with him and sometimes I don't understand why he NEEDS porn. We have very frequent sex and yet he still uses it. Hm...at least we have frequent sex...with my ex he was like the poster a few up..he replaced our sex life with porn.

I don't know if it's abnormal for men to watch porn. I think if it's available they'll watch it. So maybe that makes it normal...

My BF is aware of my feelings to a SMALL extent but not entirely as I've chosen not to restrict him in this way. I mean, i'm not going to tell him I can't watch it. He knows that I don't really like watching it these days (I've gone through phases and I'm off it now) because I just can't help comparing myself to those perfect plastic women that are on the porn that is on tv on friday nights (when we'd watch it). He says that I shouldn't compare myself but it's sooo hard.

Good news is the dvd he has (anal babes or some thing like that, lol) has REAL women, which is something I think is great!

Do I feel he's cheating on me with porn? A bit, I guess. I mean, it's not interactive and that's good...but something about it still makes me sad. Maybe I just need to change my frame of mind. Knowing that I want to BE everything to him and SEEING that I am not makes me sad..but if I dont' try to be everything...well that'd be easier to deal with I guess.

My problem is I don't know how to change my attitude.

[sun_flower969]

My problem is I don't know how to change my attitude.

You don't have to change your attitude!!! Have the conversation! I mean seriously if he doesn't need it then it shouldn't be an issue! You have to tell him how it makes you feel. You could come to some sort of compromise that would satisfy you both.

It seems to me that someone (or more than one person) has been trying to convince you that ALL men watch porn, ALL men fantasize about other women etc. That is not true! You don't have to change your way of thinking you just have to adapt and try to find a way for you BOTH to compromise. It's not fair for YOU to have to do the changing when it is something that hurts you and he just gets to continue on... that seems pretty selfish to me! You are not wrong! You are letting your insecurities tell you it's all you that is the problem but it's not!

Believe me I have been there! Listen You can PM me anytime if you want to talk...

[crazybaymare]

My problem is I don't know how to change my attitude.

I have the same issue. My BF doesn't have a collection, but he does look online. Whenever I think about him looking, it hurts and makes me sad. The girly emotional side of me thinks it must be because I don't look the way he would like me to or I don't do the stuff he likes in bed. The non-emotional intellectual side understands that it has nothing to do with me and it's just something he enjoys doing.

We have talked about it too many times to count and he always feels bad about how it makes me feel. He tells me that he will stop looking if I want, but I don't want to take something away from him that he enjoys. Especially something that I feel shouldn't even bother me. I know he loves me and only wants to be with me, but at the same time, it hurts that he is fantasizing about fucking these other women. And I feel that it shouldn't. What really matters is that he loves ME and only wants to be with ME. Besides, in my experience, the only way someone can successfully stop doing something is if they want to stop for themselves, not because someone else wants them to. Then it usually becomes a sneaking around thing, and that is worse, imo.

I try so hard to be ok with it. I really feel that a big part of my problem with it is my EX. I never used to have a problem with porn until he came around. The only way that he could get off and really enjoy the sex is if we were watching porn. And that made me feel like shit. I obviously wasn't enough for my ex, so I guess in some ways those feelings have carried over and I feel like I'm just not enough in this relationship. Which I know is not true. It's a mental hurdle that I need to get over and I try so hard to.

Not that any of that helps you, but I pretty much was just saying that I know how you feel! I want to be ok with it. I don't want it to bother me. I feel that it's silly that it bothers me, and that makes me mad at myself.

[Tyger]

WHEW! This is a huge one for me. I told my boyfriend the other day that I wanted to be EVERYTHING to him and he said that I should stop trying because it was impossible. True, I know, but it makes me sad.

Luckily my man doesn't have a huge collection, but he does watch the dvd's he has with some frequency. How often I don't know (I purposely try to not keep track) but I do know that whenever I see "anal babes" in the dvd player I feel a flicker of deep sadness which I have to push away. I feel like I couldn't BE more sexual with him and sometimes I don't understand why he NEEDS porn. We have very frequent sex and yet he still uses it. Hm...at least we have frequent sex...with my ex he was like the poster a few up..he replaced our sex life with porn.

I don't know if it's abnormal for men to watch porn. I think if it's available they'll watch it. So maybe that makes it normal...

My BF is aware of my feelings to a SMALL extent but not entirely as I've chosen not to restrict him in this way. I mean, i'm not going to tell him I can't watch it. He knows that I don't really like watching it these days (I've gone through phases and I'm off it now) because I just can't help comparing myself to those perfect plastic women that are on the porn that is on tv on friday nights (when we'd watch it). He says that I shouldn't compare myself but it's sooo hard.

Good news is the dvd he has (anal babes or some thing like that, lol) has REAL women, which is something I think is great!

Do I feel he's cheating on me with porn? A bit, I guess. I mean, it's not interactive and that's good...but something about it still makes me sad. Maybe I just need to change my frame of mind. Knowing that I want to BE everything to him and SEEING that I am not makes me sad..but if I dont' try to be everything...well that'd be easier to deal with I guess.

My problem is I don't know how to change my attitude.

Some women just don't like porn, or the thought that their men watch it. And that is OK. However, the reasons behind it vary, you can change your reasons, if you really think about it, and not take it personally.

Men are visual creatures. You know how he likes to see you in lingerie? Of course he does!! And that's a great thing!! Men get turned on by what they see. That's not all that turns them on, but it's a big part of it.

Everyone compares themselves to the media "norm" for women. However, the "MEDIA" norm for women is NOT reality. Media, porn, magazines, books, posters, hell, even Barbie dolls, all show women that, if they stick out sideways & stick out their tongues, they'd look like zippers with boobs! LOL It is getting more & more popular now, to show women with curves, and love it. Marilyn Monroe was a curvacious size 12/14 and she's considered the sexiest woman ever!! Once you become more comfortable with YOURSELF, curvy, flat, skinny, plump, or fat, you will be more self-confident, and that shows and makes you even MORE sexy than you already are!!!!

You are not alone. Many women want to be their man's "everything", but that's impossible. You can't be his sister, aunt, mother, or best guy friend. Women should KEEP your own identity in a relationship, while including being a couple too. I'll let you in on a lesson I learned thru another girl: if you are his EVERYTHING, if, heaven forbid, you break up, you would feel sooooo lost, and not have a clue how to function as one person. Keeping your own identity is very important.

Porn is a fantasy get-a-way. It's not meant to be a replacement. If your men are watching porn and not having sex with you as much, then yes, it's a problem. There is such a thing as being addicted to porn. However, addicts usually can't function sexually with real women if they are addicted to porn. But if it's not, then think of it as their guilty pleasure. Kinda like many women's guilty pleasures of reading romance novels or buying shoes kinda thing. If it's something he enjoys, and it doesn't hinder your sexual relationship, then why let something that he can put away in a case or drawer, bother you? You are THERE, and he loves YOU. You are so much more a part of his life than porn is. If porn seems to be what he does all of the spare time he has (and from your other posts, it doesn't), then there's an issue.

Should you LIKE porn? Should? No. It's like saying everyone should love the color yellow (I don't like yellow). You like what you like. It took me a few years to like porn, and understand that it can actually help stimulate each person. You can get ideas (though don't use it as a "how-to" tool) on what to do, or even ideas on how to tantillate your BF). Plus, it depends on the type/quality of porn. You may find that, with some searching, you enjoy porn if you find the right genre' (yes, there are different types, like books), director, and stars. There have been some porn that I absolutely HATED. And others that I LOVE! Some have even made me laugh due to the obvious humor in them.

If not, that's ok too.

I hope this helps.

[sun_flower969]

Some women just don't like porn, or the thought that their men watch it. And that is OK. However, the reasons behind it vary, you can change your reasons, if you really think about it, and not take it personally.

Men are visual creatures. You know how he likes to see you in lingerie? Of course he does!! And that's a great thing!! Men get turned on by what they see. That's not all that turns them on, but it's a big part of it.

Everyone compares themselves to the media "norm" for women. However, the "MEDIA" norm for women is NOT reality. Media, porn, magazines, books, posters, hell, even Barbie dolls, all show women that, if they stick out sideways & stick out their tongues, they'd look like zippers with boobs! LOL It is getting more & more popular now, to show women with curves, and love it. Marilyn Monroe was a curvacious size 12/14 and she's considered the sexiest woman ever!! Once you become more comfortable with YOURSELF, curvy, flat, skinny, plump, or fat, you will be more self-confident, and that shows and makes you even MORE sexy than you already are!!!!

You are not alone. Many women want to be their man's "everything", but that's impossible. You can't be his sister, aunt, mother, or best guy friend. Women should KEEP your own identity in a relationship, while including being a couple too. I'll let you in on a lesson I learned thru another girl: if you are his EVERYTHING, if, heaven forbid, you break up, you would feel sooooo lost, and not have a clue how to function as one person. Keeping your own identity is very important.

Porn is a fantasy get-a-way. It's not meant to be a replacement. If your men are watching porn and not having sex with you as much, then yes, it's a problem. There is such a thing as being addicted to porn. However, addicts usually can't function sexually with real women if they are addicted to porn. But if it's not, then think of it as their guilty pleasure. Kinda like many women's guilty pleasures of reading romance novels or buying shoes kinda thing. If it's something he enjoys, and it doesn't hinder your sexual relationship, then why let something that he can put away in a case or drawer, bother you? You are THERE, and he loves YOU. You are so much more a part of his life than porn is. If porn seems to be what he does all of the spare time he has (and from your other posts, it doesn't), then there's an issue.

Should you LIKE porn? Should? No. It's like saying everyone should love the color yellow (I don't like yellow). You like what you like. It took me a few years to like porn, and understand that it can actually help stimulate each person. You can get ideas (though don't use it as a "how-to" tool) on what to do, or even ideas on how to tantillate your BF). Plus, it depends on the type/quality of porn. You may find that, with some searching, you enjoy porn if you find the right genre' (yes, there are different types, like books), director, and stars. There have been some porn that I absolutely HATED. And others that I LOVE! Some have even made me laugh due to the obvious humor in them.

If not, that's ok too.

I hope this helps.

HERE HERE Tyga!!

[adickted2]

Haven't had to deal with this myself (current SO has no porn collection other then the one DVD I gave him and exhubby denied having any - who knows if that was true) .......... however not long ago help a very dear, long time friend deal with this.

She has been married 20 yrs - about 10yrs into their marriage she found a large # of playboy magazines - her hubby said he rarely if ever looked at them and proceeded to toss them all at her request. Unfortunately they did not discuss it any more at that time. Fast forward to about 1 yr ago - again she found a large collection of printed porn while they were rearranging and cleaning out a walk in closet. She was very upset and hurt - mainly because they have a very meager sex life due to lack of interest on his part - it seemed to her that the printed porn was a substitute for sex with her.

Her sex drive has always been stronger then his - she has dealt with it by using toys whenever she was interested and he wasn't. He has never been willing to use toys (or oral sex or mutal masterbation) as a part of their sex life as he feels straight forward intercourse should be enough to satisfy her.

When she talked to me about it I encouraged her to at least try to talk with him to see what he wanted/needed in their sex life and also to help her to understand that porn is rarely an instead of.......well in her (or should I say their case) it was an instead of - he state he enjoyed looking at the porn more then actually having sex - "it's just easier, less energy on my part and I don't need to worry about whether or not you're satisfied". he went on to tell her that his had been his preference his whole life - it was the same in his first marriage.

So at least now it's no longer a hidden subject - she still is hurt, yet realizes it is not a reflection on her - that it's his issue. unfortunately neither of them are willing to do anything more about it.

My contribution ....... a willingness to listen and to give her a vibrator on her birthday every year so she can continue to enjoy herself.

So sad..as this just wreaks of lack of communication,

I think more honest communication.Sharing of his kink,perversion erotism with his wife.may re VAMP their sexual union.But as long as one does it in private.leaving the other in the dark.She is better off on her own .Mutual masterbation infront of each other..expressing how they want touched etc..could possibly restore their passion for each other

[adickted2]

OK here's my feeling on this topic... I think porn, like anything if used in MODERATION is fine normal and serves a purpose.

My issue is when, in some cases, it gets out of control, for some guys. Obsessing, objectifying, collecting clips and sneaking around... you know what I mean! If it becomes an actual NEED then it is a problem.

I think porn is for mature adults. If you are exposed to it at too young of an age I feel strongly that it can cause confusion between reality and the "entertainment value" of porn. In the same way, I think it sets unrealistic expectations of how women are supposed to look. Which causes a LOT of insecurity in women, thinking they have to measure up and look like/act like them to please their man. It takes a mature person to be able to know the difference.

I have felt the insecurity sure. It was a real issue for me for a long time and affected how I felt in bed! I felt like I was just a vessel for him to use while fantasizing about his porn stars!! It really messed with my head for years!!

We talked it out and after a lot of things that happened in our marriage, he stopped watching. Now I have a very different perspective! We fulfill each others fantasies we are turned on by each other not the flicker of the TV!!

We don't watch porn in my house but sometimes we make our own!

SUNFLOWER way to go...men are visual.Women are emotional.I think couples making their own Private Porn is very erotic..and helps keep the passion alive for us CAVEMeN..has to feel better knowing hes jacking off to your TWO's last love session..than a silicone queen

Tips hat

[SensualWoman]

I have numerous conversations with my SO about porn, and I feel that it is cheating, that it makes me feel uncomfortable, so like sunflower we make our own! It's fun and erotic plus it's us, which makes it better. He has agreed to watching porn with me if I want to, but only then because he understands how I feel about it. I told him that if he is going to fantasize about another woman, then do so when it involves me in some way, and that's what I do with my fantasies, if there is another man or woman it's always made-up, never someone we or I know, or a celebrity. We are both very content with this, but that's just US, not every couple is like this, and a lot of guys are willing to put porn away if his girl is unhappy with it. So I guess that I am his porn collection.