Question

[webbabe]

how can a man say he loves his wife but still want a FFM threesome?

[mailahn97]

Me and a SO had a threesome twice. It wasn't about not caring about each other. It was more than that. I was curious about being with a woman, plus I got turned on seeing him pleasing someone else and being pleased by them. It was kind of a look at what I have and sharing with you. Have you ever mentioned that you were curious about being with a female. It is a nice experience and we don't regret it in the least. We learned a lot about ourselves as individuals and a couple. Also in some ways we became even closer.

It is something that maybe you need to sit down and talk to him. Ask him what his reasons are that he wants to have it? You might be surprised.

[Mikayla1]

There is a huge difference between sex and love - especially for men. Men see sex as a physical act, not necessarily combined with love. Now, there are many men who fall in love and then have BETTER sex because they are in love, but the lack of ability or interest in a threesome doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the love, as much as jealousy of another man touching HIS partner. It is a bit archaic, but accurate.

Women, on the other hand, combine the feelings with the act (some can compartmentalize) and therefore, for many women, when their partner suggests a threesome, they instantly think 'he must not love me' which has nothing or little to do with the whole situation.

[Stillmore2learn]

how can a man say he loves his wife but still want a FFM threesome?

Webbabe - If you want my opinion, Mikayla hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Having two girls at the same time is a very common male fantasy and I am confident that he can love you very much, while still wanting to experience a threesome.

Something else to consider - perhaps he also wants to give you the opportunity to safely explore, within the confines of the marriage. Maybe he wants to see you experience pleasure from another woman. Keep an open mind and talk to him about it...you may find that his motives are not completely selfish. Best of luck!

[webbabe]

so here's my situation. DH is 39 and im 31. weve been married 4 years in november and together 6. we were at a friends house and we got to talking about how men and women view sex differently. cheating being the context. expalining that men and women werent designed for life long relationships that men have this need for casual sex. how men can screw without any emotion involved. afterwards we went out for dinner just hubby and I . and we were still talking. and so i finally asked him if he wanted a thressome, hes been complaining alot about grey hair,. heavier, etc. and he said he wanted one. soemthing about needing to feel like he could have sex with some young hottie. he described it a need. one which i he had previously said he had filled in the military. i cant lie and say ive never thought about it. but im married and would never go outside our marriage. he said that it was totally up to me and that if i wanted it i would have full control over the entire situation. and that he would never mention it again until i brought it up to have the next conversation about it. also that if i didnt want it, it would never happen, and he would never cheat on me.

here;s the problem. i am sooo upset by this. he claims to be happy and satisfied. so no matter what he says im always thinking well hes really not and this is just the beginning of the end.i feel like hes already betrayed me. like he has a desire for someonelse. feels like a complete betrayal. now when he says i love you , im like mmm hmm. i dont believe him anymore. i cant get over this. and i cant get it out of my head. thers doubt in my head where there never used to be.

as for me, im going a really tough emotional time. im unemplyed and im dealing with my longstanding hatred of myself. a process that is painful enough, and throw this on top and im at my wits end. i love him and i cant imagine my life without him. but this is really upsetting me.

[Mikayla1]

Aww honey, there really is no reason to get THIS upset.

OK, imagine this: you get a bowl of icecream with 2 scoops. These 2 scoops are delicious - you have a chocolate and a stawberry. They are yummy. You could be satisified with just the two flavors. They are fantastic. However, if you had the chance to add on ANOTHER scoop and try a different flavor, wouldn't YOU want to?

That is how men view threesomes - getting to try another flavor while eating the ones they already have. It isn't a need (I am sure he mispoke, it is a common word to say) but a desire to try another 'flavor.'

Women in general have a hard time figuring this out and understanding it. We think that OUR scoops should be satifying enough. That it must mean WE are not good enough, sexy enough, smart enough - etc. Let me tell you, it isn't true. Listen, if he just wanted to do some undercover midnight snacking of another flavor, he would just cheat. He isn't doing that or saying he wants to do that. He is saying he wants to sample another flavor and SHARE it with you.

Now, I am not saying that this is a good idea, or that you should do it. I am simply trying to explain to you why it really isn't all that upsetting. THere are probably very few men out there - even happily married ones - who would still like to sample another flavor if their partner was open to it. IT is a whole idea of eating the ice cream and having their partner eating it too.

[hyokahey]

Not to be 'stodgy', but there is another valid view...people are strongly affected by the culture we live in, and that includes their spiritual (not necessarily 'religious') beliefs about monogamy. Some of us, while fully aware of and at times enjoying the threesome fantasy, would never engage in this behavior because of our interpretation of love in the context of monogamy. Because of my love for my wife, I have a set context for sex; violating the context would not be loving my partner.

There are hidden aspects to (spiritually chosen) monogamy that many who do not practice it (or just occasionally have a threesome) miss...but that is a discussion for a different thread.

[ladylove]

Some of us, while fully aware of and at times enjoying the threesome fantasy, would never engage in this behavior because of our interpretation of love in the context of monogamy. Because of my love for my wife, I have a set context for sex; violating the context would not be loving my partner.

YES! I strongly agree with the above statement.

However each couple needs to find what the context of their own relationship is. If you have different views make sure you don't do something that would be compromising and wrong for who you are. If you do it could hurt your relationship. In other words just think VERY carefully before you make any decisions.

[mailahn97]

That is one thing I can say before we actually had our first one we talked ALOT. We got to also know the person very well also. Even then all the way up til the day we were getting together he was asking me if I was sure that this is what I wanted. That he didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize us or cause me any emotional issues. I think trust and communication is a big factor in deciding whether to go through with one or not.

I agree with the way Mikayla put it. Men are interested in trying another so to say and everything that goes with it. I would suggest talking more about it with your partner and doing some thinking about it as well. It is not just something to jump in to. I wish you the best whichever decision you decide.

[webbabe]

he says that a threesome is the only way for him to satisfy this sexual need of his and not be cheating,. since he wants me to an enthusiastic partcipant. i cant help but think that hes having a mid life crisis. how is it a man can be in a loving commited relationship and feel this "need" to be sexually attractive to someone much younger. i think hes feeling his age. i cant get my head around this.is this a conquest thing???

guys please help me with some perspective

[hyokahey]

Please accept my comments with the understanding that I understand that I am biased in favor of strict monogamy.

Many, many people in the world are addicted to 'other validation'. This means we depend on others to validate that we are smart, attractive, sexy, good..etc. This need forms due to our learning experiences when we are young through the culture at large, media, and our own family learning.

You might think of this kind of dependence on 'other-validation' as reflecting a damaged, poor, or less than mature self esteem. When a person operates in their life dependent on other-validation, when it is not there, or their partner is unable or unwilling to give it, or give it in the way it is wanted, some folks are tempted (and do) step out to find it elsewhere.

Now, I am not suggesting that everyone who has a threesome is in this 'place', only that many are. Proceeding due to 'needing' other validation may indeed damage a relationship in a variety of ways, either temporarily, or permanently. In this case, the real need might be all about one's own internal self development, not the vehicle of sex. The sex alone will only temporarily validate (if at all)...what happens when this 'dose' of validation wears off?

Growth and development of self with a focus on 'self-validation' is key to gaining maturity and ending the emotional roller coaster of being addicted to others validating us. I need NO ONE to validate myself, attractiveness, charm, humor, good looks, sexual preferences, or skills as a lover, not even my partner. When you are able to validate yourself more consistently, your emotional life becomes much more satisfying, secure, and less negatively erratic.

[LilGreenPuffer]

Has he asked you if you're willing to do it? Is he serious about going through with something like this? If so, don't do anything you're not completely comfortable with, okay?

What about trying some role-playing? You could play the part of a really young foxy lady, maybe even a schoolgirl with a short skirt. Or maybe you could bring a male toy, one of those fake vaginas, into the game, and pretend that someone else is there. One of these, or a similar scenario, might be a good compromise.

[webbabe]

he asked me to think about it and that it would only happen if i were completely into it.

[Mikayla1]

I should probably have qualified my statement with the fact that as a married woman, I would NOT, at this point, engage in a threesome. My husband is not interested in such (as one of the minority that says he loves me and I am enough for him sexually) - but, I can understand the reasoning behind it. Much like Hyokahey, I can see the validation and enlightment in a monongamous relationship and do think that is worth its own discussion post. However, for the simple matter of explaining his motivations, I chose to explain the general mechanics of this type of male thinking.

[ladylove]

he asked me to think about it and that it would only happen if i were completely into it.

Seems to me your not completely into it.

[Mikayla1]

I just had another thought I want to add:

Contrary to some of the theories that couples who have threesomes are looking for 'validation' or 'differentiation' or are malcontented with each other, sometimes having a threesome is just a way to share an experience, or to live sexually free from restrictions. When I was younger and engaged in threesomes, I was very sexually confident and free. As a bi-sexual woman, I wanted to have that experience, and my partner at the time was very open to sharing with me. The experiences that included another man did not feel any differently to me than when we included another female (psychologically speaking.) None of my threesomes was for any type of validation - sexual or otherwise - they were simply to live an experience, to share a sexual feeling, to be who I wanted to be.

While I agree with the notion of being spiritually bound and having an intimacy that is based on a belief in a religious commitment, I do think that some couples ARE secure enough to enjoy sexual freedom even in a committed relationship. I do not necessarily think that having a threesome while married is a bad thing, I do think that the implications of doing such are different for every couple. I think that as a whole women mate for life; men do not. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, many men DO feel this connection, this spiritual connectedness to their partner, but many more don't.

So, your hubby obviously doesn't have that connectedness, do you? I think you have to first attack why he doesn't, and then worry about the mid-life crisis thing, that, to me, is a secondary issue here.

[Tyger]

I personally think Mikayla landed the point right on the head well. Men fantasize. If he says that he doesn't want to do this without your consent, and it's obvious you don't want to do it, then don't. If you do it out of feeling guilty, you WILL grow to resent him, the other girl, and yourself, which will, in fact, kill your marriage.

Also, he may not be wording it right. He may have the fantasy, but, if it was a NEED, like water, air, food, clothes, then he should've fulfilled that NEED before he married you. Besides, you can point out the obvious: YOU are the younger hottie!! HELLO? He married his fantasy! Bring THAT to his attention. Maybe dress up as an 18 yr old, even just jeans, t-shirt, and a visible thong. Do your hair, nails, and make up using a teen magazine. Have some fun with it, and seduce him as a teenager. Act giddy, shy, and a bit niave. Have fun with it.

[stagnuts]

Ok I am a 28 y/o male, and speaking from my mind. Your husband is sharing one of his fantasies with you. So that right there is a big step. For him to tell you this should make you feel confident that he is not going outside of the marriage. But me and the wife have talked about bringing in a third person in the past. Has not happened cause of a couple reason. She is not comfortable with the idea of having a female and myself do things. And I told her that is really is not about the female pleasing me but more about me watching the female please her. "Total turn on for me" And she was ok with that. And also she is not confident with her own body. We have two kids and she hasn't lost all the baby weight and she thinks she is fat. I think she looks beautiful and I wouldn't change anything about her. And last picking the right person would be the hard step. Someone that she would be comfortable with. So there are alot of things to think about. Like everyone has said it is about weather or not you are comfortable with the idea. Don't do it if your not, cause it will not end good. Good luck and if you do decide to have fun with it, you never know you may enjoy it more than him.

Josh

[webbabe]

thankyou all for your responses,. and im sorry its taken me this long, theres just been sooo much going dealing with my own stuff and issues ive been ignoring for a long time. but im doing alot better. so im in a much better place

i told hubby that right now i am not interested, i have no desire to experience a woman. i want to lose some weight and im starting a new job, so i want to get settled there too. and also, as im becoming more and more comfortable in myself, i find myself enjoying sex alot more. im able to turn my mind off and enjoy the moment. which is a big step for me. sex has become more passionate and intimate. so right now this is the road i want to be on. i told him that if i ever reconsider ill let him know. which he seems okay with.

i know i could never watch him with another woman. i just know me. i wouldnt be able to get past it. maybe someday down the road ill be alot more secure but for now no.

thankyou all for your advice and perspective. it really helped me to think this thru once i calmed down. and mikayla you were right, i was freaking out for nothing.