My Sex Life: Trials And Tribulations.

[Kirk]

Here are some details about our (my) sex life. It has not made any significant improvements during the past year or so, even after trying and continuing with most of the suggestions from forum members concerning our mis-matched sex drives. She still refuses to look at the Too-Timid website or forums. I'm not really soliciting advice this time, just thought I would give you good folks an update, but please feel free to add any and all comments.

A little history... We dated over 4 years and have been married 12. We are a physically fit and active couple with 2 boys, ages 5 and 9. I am 5'9" 155 lbs. my wife is 5'7" maybe 140 lbs. When we married I weighed about 145 and she weighed 120. Probably insignificant info, but what the heck. In the 4 years we dated we tried a lot of different things, some worked, some didn't, but at least we had fun experimenting, spending hours on foreplay and sometimes making out 'til the sun came up . I thought I had finally met someone that enjoyed sex as much as I did and would be ready, willing and able to take it to the next level.

Things my wife currently will and will not do:

Missionary sex: My wife loves it! She comes almost every time, usually multiple times and I am totally bored with it but continue to do it as best I can, ending in simultanious orgasms almost every time. She is perfectly content to do this once or twice per week and considers her sex life complete and fulfilled.

No foreplay. Period. I love foreplay, always have, but now she despises it, says it's a waste of time. Our only foreplay now consist of her grabbing my penis and fondling it until hard after she gets in bed with her clothes on. I occasionally remind her that it would work better if she would just let me touch, massage and kiss her. All to no avail. I truly miss foreplay.

She will occasionally let me go down on her and really enjoys it always ending in a great orgasm. Problem: She will only let me do it if everything is perfect (good mood, freshly showered, not too tired, kids asleep, etc.) so I only get to perform cunnilinguis once every month or so. Drives me nuts because I absolutely LOVE to pleasure her and would prefer doing it several times per week since she uses "Seasonal" (sp) for birth control. Also she clamps her legs shut if I try to finger her pussy or caress her butthole. Damn it, I want to give her a G-spot orgasm and/or finger her ass occasionally. Weird thing is, she used to be game for this, many times she had earth shaking orgasms while I simultaniously fingered her butt, massaged her G-spot and licked her clit, leaving her spent and trembling in pleasure from multiple orgasms. Ahhh, the memories .

She hates giving blowjobs therefore I only get 3 or 4 per year and that really doesn't bother me because she sucks at it (no pun intended) . She doesn't like the taste of sperm therefore she doesn't swallow although sometimes she let's me cum in her mouth only to make a mad dash to the bathroom to spit in the sink. Boy howdy that's a real boost to the ol' ego . Oh well, I can live without bj's since she doesn't mind giving me a good hand-job almost every night. She admitidly does this because her libido falls WAY short of mine.

69. Always one of my favorite things to do and was a regular part of our sex life for many years. Now maybe once every couple of months.

Anal. My absolute favorite thing to do. We have done it a grand total of 5 times during the past 11 years. Strange thing is I was finally learning how to take my time and do it properly. Ended up doing it twice in one week about 3 years ago, each time it was at her suggestion and she had tremendously powerful screaming orgasms resulting in her butt absolutely milking the cum out of me as it spasmed giving me the most gratifying orgasms of my life. The position we used the last 2 times were with me standing as she lay on the bed (it's pretty tall) with her legs over my shoulders or around my waist so she could have some control of how fast or hard she wanted it by using her legs to pull me into her as I massaged her clit with my fingers and a vibrator. Haven't done it in 3 years 2 months and 13 days.

Vibrators: Loves to use a small vibrator on her clit on a nearly weekly basis, but ONLY during intercourse. NEVER uses it any other time even though she knows it is my number one fantasy just to watch her masturbate. She got very upset with me last year when I surprised her with a giftbox of sex toys including a Rabbit Habit dual purpose vibe. She has never inserted a vibrator in her pussy that I know of, but knowing how much she enjoys using one on her clit I thought she would at least try it and without a doubt learn to enjoy it. Boy was I wrong. Not only did she throw it away but she cried all night saying that her orgasms were not good enough for me because the package also included a dvd on learning the techniques for female ejaculation. So I ended up feeling like a complete ass just because I desperately want her to have bigger and better orgasms.

Masturbation: She steadfastly refuses to do it with or without me. She also refuses to ever touch her pussy with her fingers even during intercourse. Although I do get to occasionally rub her to orgasm with my fingers while having sex, usually during the X-Factor position which we do about once every other month.

Bondage: Tied her up several times including blindfolds a couple of times while we were dating and she never got too comfortable with it. I actually liked being tied up and taken advantage of by her the 2 or 3 times we did it. I was quite comfortable with it and have mentioned it to her but she has no interest.

Things I currently will or will not do:

Actually there is very little that I would not try with a woman. I am game for most anything as long as it does not involve another guy, urine, fecal matter or excessive pain.

My favorites:

Sex Positions. I love experimenting and trying to invent new positions, some that we have learned to do on our own have been very difficult to find in any books and when I do find them they are usually in the advanced positions section.

Masturbation. Yes, a lot. You name it, I've tried it.

Anal. I am willing, but my wife has no interest and has made that quite clear. She rarely even touches my ass even though I am meticulously clean including shaving that area during every shower. I have mentioned on several occasions that I am willing to take turns if she will just try anal again.

Rimming. I love it! I love, love, love to rim her, but she is very uncomfortable to be on the recieving end so I only get to partake of this wonderful activity about once or twice per year now. Used to be once or twice per month, don't know why it changed. It is my biggest turn-on. She does reciprocate, so I am on the receiving end perhaps 5 or 6 times per year, always ending in a very relaxing and satisfying orgasm as she jacks me off at the same time.

Toys/Vibrators: I like them and use them occasionally when I am alone. My wife has no interest in using them on me.

A few things that we have done over the years:

Made love outside in the snow

Made love on the roof of our house under the stars

Got caught by a stewardess on a redeye flight recieving a hand-job right when I was cumming. We had a blanket over my lap but it was pretty obvious what was going on and I could hardly talk when she slyly grinned and asked how the flight was going and if we needed anything? We had only known each other 3 weeks when she went with me to Cali. on that business trip.

Things that I desperately want to do with my wife:

Watch her masturbate.

Watch her masturbate while I finger her pussy and cum on her tits as I kneel beside her.

Use a vibe on her G-spot.

Rim her as she masturbates.

Put a vibe in her ass during doggie.

Help her learn to squirt (she is convinced this is impossible and that any woman that does it is urinateing because she actually asked her ob/gyn who informed her that it is NOT possible. Trust me, I have tried to convince her otherwise)

Repeat the night in a parking lot when she sat on the center console facing the back of our Jeep and let me finger her G-spot while alternately licking, sucking and rubbing her clit to orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, covering the console, my face, chest and arms in her sweet delictible juices to the point that she was literally shaking and trembling in ecstasy for almost an hour. It was unfreaking believable. She had had a couple of stiff drinks and wanted me to have a great time on my 20 year High School reunion. I knew she was EXTREMELY wet at the time, but now that I am more educated on the matter I really think she was squirting or at least on the verge of it.

Use a dual purpose Rabbit vibe on her while we do it anally in the X-Factor position.

Use a dual purpose Rabbit vibe on her as she lays on top of me facing up while I'm in her butt.

Make a video of her giving me a hand-job and put it on the internet.

There is a lot more that I would like to do with her but it is late..........Good Day.

[thurisas]

Wow, quite the post. I know you weren't looking for answers here, but some things just struck me as similar to my own situation a while back. My wife and I went through a dry spell that was infinitely dryer than yours seems to be. We were lucky to have missionary sex once every few months let alone anything else. The major problem in our case, however, was a long time in the making and much of it had to do with me.

When our relationship started, we were pretty well the typical sexual jackrabbits. We'd have sex pretty well daily, many times more than once. Life was good and you get into that routine. As time went on, life got in the way, stress levels rose, and the sex tapered off. Once things got more stable again I expected life to go on as it had. I started hinting toward sex more and more...actually, alot. The thing is that while I was interested all the time and less stressed, she wasn't. My requests grew more frequent and I think she started getting really put off by the whole idea of sex in general. I was lucky if we were doing it once every few months.

Eventually, I myself got the hint that I really was asking too much and finally stopped altogether. I became very good friends with my hand again and just let her have her space where that was concerned. Then the darndest thing happened, we started having sex once a month...then about once a week...then the expirimentation started back up...then the toys made an appearance. We now do it when the mood strikes and no pressure is on either of us to perform. If she isn't in the mood, she isn't. I don't pester her anymore and more than likely we're having fun the next day. I've even learned that I can sometimes pique her interest for sex throughout the day while I'm at work with texts and phone calls that skirt around the subject but make it obvious that I'm thinking about her.

So, I guess what I'm asking is how hard are you trying to pursue these things and is it possible your chase is putting her off? From the looks of the things you have said, there's a lot more going on there than what I've suggested, but hey, outside of counseling, it might be a start.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

I have to say Kirk, that is quite the post! Very full of information.

What I caught on to right away is that when you were dating (4 long years) you had fullfilling and interesting sex. She allowed you to do many things that she doesn't now. She was overly more sexual, she was into trying new things, anal didn't bother her so much, she allowed you to finger her and give her oral orgasms - and now, not so much.

This is sooooo not uncommon. There are a few reasons why this happens: sex becomes RESPONSIBILITY, not ADULT PLAY. Both women and men can adopt this position, but it is more women than men. Women still allow sex (wifely duty) but do not go over and beyond to satisfy their needs or their lover's. She is climaxing in a nice "married couple" position - so for her, that is all she needs to do. She is giving you sex and she is orgasming - so in her eyes, you are doing your job and she is doing hers! WRONG!

Now, it could also be "Mommy syndrome" where once a woman becomes a mother, sex becomes different. Some women fail to see the sexy side of themselves any longer. They are first and foremost a mom, and to have up the butt sex....well, what kind of Mommy would they be? This is a total psychological shift and happens to SOOOOOOO many women I can;'t even tell you. There is also the stress factor - but your children are older now and require less constant attention. When children are little and need EVERYTHING from Mom, sex becomes a back burner event. However, this should have weaned by now, your children are much older!

I think most of your expectations and wants are normal (I am not judging your desires, everyone wants different things and has different fantasies) but I mean more from what I think she should be open to. HEr not wanting oral sex is probably due to the fact that she has given birth. Hence the clean, freshly showered, kids are in bed (no reminders) situation that is optimal for it. Women and men can have a different view of the pussy once a baby's head has passed on through. This is her issue - and is not likely to change quickly.

Her not touching her clit is probably a religious thing. Masturbation for many women and men is EVIL in the sight of the LORD! Is she Catholic? IF so, you have a long road to hoe my friend. Or, if her parents told her that masturbation is wrong, evil and disgusting, that takes a long, long time to get over. She occassionally lets you though, and that is a big step for her I am sure.

You indicate that you have sex once or twice a week. While I personally have sex much more than that (when I am not pregnant) the national average is much, much lower! You would be the envy of many men in this country! I understand that this really doesn't help the situation, as your sex drive is much higher and you feel like the sex is not really satisfying. So, there is still a large problem there.

Now as for the blowjob / swallowing thing. Many know I am a pro-swallower, pro-bj giver. The truth is, many women will NOT swallow...period. The fact that she allows your cum in her mouth at all is a nice thing, but I understand how her running to the bathrrom to spit might make you feel sort of....dirty? I am doubting that this would be an easy thing to change either.

As for the G-spot thing....ummmmm, her gynecologist is either dumb ass stupid, or she lied and never asked her. The G-Spot is not a fallacy, it is real, it is medically documented. Now, do all women have G-spots that are big enough to stimulate and squirt? No! For more information, read my G-Spot article. My feeling here is, she is afraid of peeing (cause that is how it feels when it is stimulated) and she doesn't trust herself. It is not worth it to her to find out. Oh well, what are you going to do? You are willing, she is not - you may have to leave it alone cause if she is uncomfortable with it, she will probably never get relaxed enough to do it.

So, what do you do? Honest conversations about what needs and wants you have. Decide if the sex you have now is enough for you. WOmen and men sometimes think if they are giving up sex, in one position, with NO foreplay that it is OK - it IS NOT! Sex has to be and should be a fun adult play session. If she is doing the roll over and take me sex - she is NOT looking at it that way. This can make sex sooooo unenjoyable for you. Talk to her, explain to her, or - just try to move her into a different position or tell her "shower tonight, I want to eat your pussy!"

She should not be the one holding all the cards here, it should be a mutual thing. Oral sex, masturbation different positions, are all good. Start there. Save the anal sex and some of the other requests for another time. Probably forget broadcasting anything on the internet! That would not fly with me either!

I wish you well and hope that you can find some type of resolution!

[Tyger]

I agree totoally with what the other 2 posters have said.

I can also sympathize with you AND your wife. After I became pregnant, I had several health issues pop up, making sex painful or impossible, and then, after our daughter was born, I went into FULL TIME MOMMY MODE, and still slip into that at times. I breatsfed our daughter for a full year (to the day). I would never ever change the privelage it was to breastfeed our daughter. However, my breast sensitivity went from VERY high to "Don't touch 'em!!".

Now, I agree with Mikayla here, it can't be a one way street. And, there are always 2 sides to every story. I would highly suggest having a nice conversation, in a non-accusationary way, away from the bedroom one night, addressing your concerns, desires, and fantasies. It really can't be a one-way street here. She has to be willing to try and please you. Of course, there may or may not be things that she absolutely hates to do, and, if that's the case, after trying them a couple of different ways, then you should honor the fact that that may be something that she just doesn't want to do.

It sounds like you're willing to try almost anything to please her, and she's just digging in her heels. Thurasis had a great point: if you're constantly pestering her for sex, or something to try, applying pressure to her to do something to do or try, she may feel overwhelmed, and to avoid disappointing you in the bedroom, she just won't do it. Sex is suppose to be FUN, not a chore. I would suggest letting up, after your talk, just let things flow for a while. She may come around, and want to do other things with you. If not, I would highly suggest getting into marriage counselling. I know that sounds cliche', but, if one person is making all of the effort, and the other person just doesn't seem to even want to try, then you may need a neutral party to address each person's issues. It may be as simple as that. She may not want to try and talk with you alone, for fear things may be turned around sexually, and then her guilt and pressure may start all over again.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.

[foryoureyesonly]

Well, Howard, you're right. You did piss off at least one female. Granted there is some truth to some of the things you said, BUT, you need to remember we are only getting one side of the story here. To even imply that it might be time to give up is not helping. Maybe your intent was to get his attention to how serious you think this situation is. Did you notice what time his post was written? I have had some very dark and depressive thoughts at 2:00 in the morning myself. I can't help but think maybe this contributed to the helplessness that he is feeling.

Women are very complex folks (not to imply that males aren't). You yourself have said repeatedly that sex is very much a mind game for women. It is easy to sit at our keyboards and arm chair quaterback what is wrong in such a relationship but without both sides of the story we cannot begin to know what else is happening here. I know for years I wasn't all that into sex. Kids, lack of money, self-worth, body image. The list could go on and on. It had nothing to do with not loving my husband or not wanting to please him. I didn't think I COULD please him to the level that I thought he wanted.

You are absolutely right in that communication is missing here. If my husband and I hadn't started talking about these issues and how they were affecting us as a couple, nothing would have changed. I don't necessarily see that she is a brat, self-involved, or many of the other things that you stated.

Kirk-continue to give her love and support and try to draw her out in conversation as others have recommended. However, I can't see where accusing her or threatening her is going to change a thing. That would only make me dig my heels in even more. One of the most important bits of advice that others have given is you absolutely cannot have this discussion in the bedroom. It must be on neutral territory and done in a loving manner. You have to be willing to open yourself to honest discussion, both the good and the bad. You must LISTEN to what she is saying. Repeat back to her what you think she has said so that she can see that you hear her. I read a whole lot of "me" and "my" and what you like. Yes, you have given some examples of what you think she likes but that seems to be then followed up with how this makes you feel. Give her a chance to express what she is feeling and be ready for some negative feed back because it's coming. I am sure she has some issues with you just like you do with her.

This can be overcome with a great deal of love and patience. Hang in there and don't give up on her yet. It took us about 10 years to get through all of this and we have come out the other side with a tremendous amount of respect and love for each other.

[foryoureyesonly]

Howard-that is a much more helpful and insightful post than the previous. Thank you!

[Kirk]

Update! It has been almost 3 years since this post and little had changed until a month ago and holy cow has it ever changed. Let me backup for a moment, the past couple of years have been significantly better than the previous 6-7 years, but I still felt that we could/should have so much more. Even though I tried much of the advice given on this board I basically just learned to live with it (my wife's low libido) by convincing myself that I still had a better sex life than many.

The past few weeks have been crazy, crazy good, with my wife practically attacking me in bed resulting in sessions that can last several hours. Letting me do things I thought she would never let me do again. For instance last night she wanted foreplay, lots of foreplay, letting me suck her nipples, nibble and kiss her all over and actually letting me go down on her even though she had not showered since morning, which I think is awesome because I love her sweet, natural flavor as opposed to the fresh out of the shower squeeky clean soapy taste I normally get. Then she let me finger her g-spot to my hearts content as I licked, nibbled and sucked her clit to several waves of orgasms eventually resulting in a huge, very wet, body shaking orgasm that squeezed my fingers harder than I thought possible, leaving her trembling for a few minutes until I mounted her, putting her feet over my shoulders as I thrust deep and hard, rubbing her g-spot with each stroke, ending rather shortly in a great simultaneous orgasm. I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion. Absolutely the best most satisfying sex in years. Finally, I am married to the woman of my dreams.

I have to go now but welcome any and all guesses as to why my wife's abrupt change in libido. I will be back asap...

Thanks for your support and advice over the past few years.

[jhard]

Update! It has been almost 3 years since this post and little had changed until a month ago and holy cow has it ever changed. Let me backup for a moment, the past couple of years have been significantly better than the previous 6-7 years, but I still felt that we could/should have so much more. Even though I tried much of the advice given on this board I basically just learned to live with it (my wife's low libido) by convincing myself that I still had a better sex life than many.

The past few weeks have been crazy, crazy good, with my wife practically attacking me in bed resulting in sessions that can last several hours. Letting me do things I thought she would never let me do again. For instance last night she wanted foreplay, lots of foreplay, letting me suck her nipples, nibble and kiss her all over and actually letting me go down on her even though she had not showered since morning, which I think is awesome because I love her sweet, natural flavor as opposed to the fresh out of the shower squeeky clean soapy taste I normally get. Then she let me finger her g-spot to my hearts content as I licked, nibbled and sucked her clit to several waves of orgasms eventually resulting in a huge, very wet, body shaking orgasm that squeezed my fingers harder than I thought possible, leaving her trembling for a few minutes until I mounted her, putting her feet over my shoulders as I thrust deep and hard, rubbing her g-spot with each stroke, ending rather shortly in a great simultaneous orgasm. I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion. Absolutely the best most satisfying sex in years. Finally, I am married to the woman of my dreams.

I have to go now but welcome any and all guesses as to why my wife's abrupt change in libido. I will be back asap...

Thanks for your support and advice over the past few years.

I am happy for you. I can only imagine that this makes your whole marriage that much better. Like you, I have also almost given up at times. Did you do anything to bring the change about or did it just happen? What about her, what does she say brought the change about?

j

[jhard]

Update! It has been almost 3 years since this post and little had changed until a month ago and holy cow has it ever changed. Let me backup for a moment, the past couple of years have been significantly better than the previous 6-7 years, but I still felt that we could/should have so much more. Even though I tried much of the advice given on this board I basically just learned to live with it (my wife's low libido) by convincing myself that I still had a better sex life than many.

The past few weeks have been crazy, crazy good, with my wife practically attacking me in bed resulting in sessions that can last several hours. Letting me do things I thought she would never let me do again. For instance last night she wanted foreplay, lots of foreplay, letting me suck her nipples, nibble and kiss her all over and actually letting me go down on her even though she had not showered since morning, which I think is awesome because I love her sweet, natural flavor as opposed to the fresh out of the shower squeeky clean soapy taste I normally get. Then she let me finger her g-spot to my hearts content as I licked, nibbled and sucked her clit to several waves of orgasms eventually resulting in a huge, very wet, body shaking orgasm that squeezed my fingers harder than I thought possible, leaving her trembling for a few minutes until I mounted her, putting her feet over my shoulders as I thrust deep and hard, rubbing her g-spot with each stroke, ending rather shortly in a great simultaneous orgasm. I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion. Absolutely the best most satisfying sex in years. Finally, I am married to the woman of my dreams.

I have to go now but welcome any and all guesses as to why my wife's abrupt change in libido. I will be back asap...

Thanks for your support and advice over the past few years.

I am happy for you. I can only imagine that this makes your whole marriage that much better. Like you, I have also almost given up at times. Did you do anything to bring the change about or did it just happen? What about her, what does she say brought the change about?

j

[ladylove]

Good for you Kirk. You wife found her sexy again.

Let me explain.

We all understand men peek sexually at about 18 and women peek around 30ish unfair but true. What I've found with myself and some of my friends is that we have sort of "second peek" or as I refer to it as a sexual awakening. Around 40ish, give or take a year, there it happens again, this time stronger and longer. I'm not sure if is considered an actual peek, but it is definitely an awakening. All I and some of my girl friends wanted to do was to have sex morning noon and night. It may be because life gets less stressful or it may be biological I have no clue. It's lasted several years and shows no signs of leaving. Celebrate your wife's reborn sexuality!

[hyokahey]

.

We all understand men peek sexually at about 18 and women peek around 30ish unfair but true.

There is a difference between genital peak and sexual peak; the former is around the second decade, while the latter may not be possible until enough wisdom, maturity, and life experienced is gained. At 51, I am far beyond my genital peak, but I find that I enjoy, savor, and find sex far, far more intimate than when I was at my genital peak.

[LilGreenPuffer]

I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion.

I'm requesting.

[sun_flower969]

There is a difference between genital peak and sexual peak; the former is around the second decade, while the latter may not be possible until enough wisdom, maturity, and life experienced is gained. At 51, I am far beyond my genital peak, but I find that I enjoy, savor, and find sex far, far more intimate than when I was at my genital peak.

Totally...