Can't Stand It Still

[bobo]

I've posted here before, but it's been months. I was the one who found out that her DH has been looking at risque pictures of women online. Anyway... I don't know how I can trust him anymore. I don't know what to do. He works from home and when I'm not there, I'm always wondering if he's looking at women online. People say that I should be glad that he's just looking, but c'mon... Why do I have to put up with DH's roaming eyes? Isn't it when you're married, part of the vow is to forsake all others? So if he's looking, he's already broken that. Right now, we're ttc with help of doctors, and it's not even my fault that we can't get pg. But then maybe that's a blessing in disguise? It just hurts me so much that I'm going through all the medical procedures and it's not even my fault and then for him to have roaming eyes, it just hurts me to my very core. Sure, you're probably thinking that I'm being a prude or being overly dramatic. But I am not the type to look the other way and forget about it. Maybe I just have an old fashioned idea of what marriage is. And I don't think I can change my views. Please anyone...any words of wisdom to help me get over it so that I can look at him with my trusting heart again?

PS. You're probably why I'm posting in this forum. But after I found out that DH has roaming eyes, I looked up on the internet as to how to be more sexual so that he won't have the roaming eyes. And this is one of the sites that came up on my research. And now I can't even the stomach the idea of sex with DH. I'm really disgusted and lost respect for him as what I think a husband should be - a man who is totally devoted to his wife and wouldn't want to hurt her. And with his case of roaming eyes, he's not totally devoted to me and it has hurt me so deeply.

[Mikayla1]

Hi BoBo....OK, I have a few things to say, and I don't want to sound 'harsh' so please take this as I mean it, sincerely trying to be helpful....

(1) Men have roaming eyes. They just do. Even men who don't get 'caught' do. It is a man thing. Many women have a roaming eye to. It is in nature to NOT be monagamous. That doesn't mean he is cheating, it just means he is 'looking.' I can't tell you not to be upset, but I can assure you 100% that you are not alone! My hubby looks, my friends look, men look. period.

(2) you are tying to get pregnant. That is a LOT of pressure for a man too. I know, you think "all he has to do is have sex with me" but it is really a lot more than that. He is probably going through the 'what is wrong with me, why can't I make a baby' issue. In his stress, his eyes are probably wandering more.

Therefore, while it is always a good idea to try and improve your sex life, make things better, improve sex for BOTH of you, it is not gonna keep his eye from wandering.

(3) OK, as for your pointing out that you are married, so why does he not 'forsake' others. Well, unless he is sleeping with these girls, then he IS forsaking all others. Forsaking means to 'abandon or give up' and for all intensive purposes, he has. The vows mean sexually, not that he could never again fantasize about another woman. God was wise enough to know that if you only put one woman in front of man he could forsake any others, but you give him more than one....well, he will look.

(4) I think you are putting too much pressure on YOU and HIM. Saying that you can't stomach sex with him because he MIGHT be looking at nude girls online...well, that is just naive. You are punishing him for what you THINK he MIGHT be doing....and you are punishing yourself too. This is not helping your relationship at all. It is harming it, by letting him know that you are so insecure about yourself and HIM. Men are attracted to women who are self loving and confident - if you are this insecure about him looking....well, it doesn't bode well for you.

PLEASE, try to understand his attraction to fantasy. IF it is not that bad and it is just looking and he is not cybering, then try to let it go, get some confidence, have fun in bed with him and just be happy.....

[jhard]

I've posted here before, but it's been months. I was the one who found out that her DH has been looking at risque pictures of women online. Anyway... I don't know how I can trust him anymore. I don't know what to do. He works from home and when I'm not there, I'm always wondering if he's looking at women online. People say that I should be glad that he's just looking, but c'mon... Why do I have to put up with DH's roaming eyes? Isn't it when you're married, part of the vow is to forsake all others? So if he's looking, he's already broken that. Right now, we're ttc with help of doctors, and it's not even my fault that we can't get pg. But then maybe that's a blessing in disguise? It just hurts me so much that I'm going through all the medical procedures and it's not even my fault and then for him to have roaming eyes, it just hurts me to my very core. Sure, you're probably thinking that I'm being a prude or being overly dramatic. But I am not the type to look the other way and forget about it. Maybe I just have an old fashioned idea of what marriage is. And I don't think I can change my views. Please anyone...any words of wisdom to help me get over it so that I can look at him with my trusting heart again?

PS. You're probably why I'm posting in this forum. But after I found out that DH has roaming eyes, I looked up on the internet as to how to be more sexual so that he won't have the roaming eyes. And this is one of the sites that came up on my research. And now I can't even the stomach the idea of sex with DH. I'm really disgusted and lost respect for him as what I think a husband should be - a man who is totally devoted to his wife and wouldn't want to hurt her. And with his case of roaming eyes, he's not totally devoted to me and it has hurt me so deeply.

Hi BoBo,

Congratulations on bringing this up. It can be hard to post publicly what is bothering us and I think the process is helpful. First off, DONT FEEL BAD because of your man's "roaming eyes". Probably easier said than done I'm sure, but I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. I know lots of guys, by your criterea they ALL have roaming eyes. My friends and I are all decent husbands, decent fathers and we all like to look at beautiful naked woman. For woman, I suppose "feeling good" is important, for guys "seeing" is important. The fact that he looks at naked woman has absolutely nothing to do with how much he loves you. I can only speak from my experience, but when we got married our pastor said something about not trying to change our partners but rather to be accepting and willing to grow ourselves. My wife has never given me shit EVER about my looking at porn, or getting piss drunk or a whole host of other things that have made up my 'bad' side. Wholla...surprise...we have been married for 10 years and all of sudden I don't look at porn and am only rarely drunk. I loved her the same the whole time. It's a guy thing. The only advice I can give, and bear in mind that it is coming from a guy, is screw him for all your worth and trust him with the rest.

jhard

[synirr]

Mik hit the nail on the head, 100%

I'm not a man, but I'll tell you... I am hopelessly, pathetically in love with someone right now. I also find him extremely physically attractive, and the sex is frequent and great. I have absolutely zero interest in anyone else at the moment, but do I still eyeball attractive guys I see on the street? Yes. Do I still watch porn? Yes.

The relationship isn't even exclusive (it's a long story,) so in theory I could go out and sleep with someone else without hurting him, but I don't even want to. Nothing is holding me back, I just don't have the desire to be with anyone else. The point is, his love and commitment to you are not in any way diminished by the fact that he looks at porn. It doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you, it doesn't mean he loves you any less or finds you any less attractive than he ever did, it just means he likes to look.

[bobo]

Thank you for your replies. I really do appreciate it. There must be something wrong with me. I want DH to think ONLY of me that way. I don't want him lusting after other women, even if it's only in picutres. It just makes me feel like he's thinking about the other women and then I'm there for him to have sex with. It's not good enough for me. I want him to be turned on by ONLY me and then have sex with me - not be turned on by THEM and then have sex with me. Does that make sense? It just makes me feel used, like he can't have them so I'm the next best thing since I'm physically there.

When we got married, I took my vows seriously. I'm not sure exactly where in the Bible it says this, but I read somewhere that if a man is lusting after a woman with his eyes, it still counts as cheating.

After I found out what he was doing, I researched the internet to find ways to improve our sex lives, even wearing sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret and getting all dolled up beforehand. I even read an article here on how to give good oral sex. I tried numerous ways to be more adventurous and such. But the more I tried, the more I resented him for making me feel like this.

I can't talk with anyone IRL. To other people looking in from the outside, they think we have the perfect, fairytale marriage. But on the inside, I just want to scream how could he do this to me! I've never looked at another man lustfully. I even turned guys down whenever they would ask me out for coffee (when I was still in college). One guy even gave me a bouquet of flowers after class one day, and I told him that I was married. I tried to turn down taking the flowers, but I took them home and threw them in the trash. I told my DH about it, and he got really jealous. So what makes it right that he can be jealous about other guys finding me attractive and I can't feel this way about him? When he's lusting after other women's pictures, he's doing the same thing.

I guess I live by the rule do unto others as you would have done unto you. I would never lust after other guys, nor look at pictures of naked me. And that's what I expect from my DH. He was the first person I've ever dated (I was planning on being a nun when I was younger), and we didn't even have sex until the day after we got married.

Anyway, I appreciate all of your responses, but I cannot accept the fact that he lusted after other women. It's just wrong anyway I look at it. And I know I shouldn't judge him, Lord knows I'm not perfect. But there are some things that I cannot ...I will not... put up with. I'm just trying to figure out how I am going to deal with this. I don't want a divorce, as I still love him with all my heart. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I need to find a way to get over this, and I so want to turn back time to the way it was before I found out. Like the old saying goes...Ignorance IS bliss. And I wish I was ignorant right now. How can I look at him the same way now? Whenever we have sex, I'm wondering if he's looking at the other women and getting turned on and that's why he's having sex with me.

[angelkisses98]

ok i have a few things to add...and again..dont take this the wrong way.

it is normal for both men and women to naturally have a roaming eye. when i see an attractive man, i look..hell sometimes even twice..i've been known to look at a woman or 2 as well. it does not mean i want to jump into bed with that person, it just means i find something about them attractive.

my hubby knows i look, and i know he looks...but i look at it this way..he is coming home with me, i trust him 100% therefor i dont care...let him look. and he knows the same about me.

hubby and i are also going through fertility treatment..you made the comment about it not even being your fault. do you blame him?? because it sounds like you do...just remember, just as this is not your fault..its NOT his either, its just the way it is..and trust me ...he feels really bad about it..he might not say anything to you because he doesnt want to stress you out further with all the hormones you are on, but trust me, he feels worse then you do.

the porn issues..all men look at porn..most women do to..i do..i have HUGE self esteem issues and i felt like he would rather look at those women rather then being with me. it was explained to me by my hubby and a very good friend of mine...hes not looking at porn or masturbating to porn because he does not love you, or find you physically attractive..hes doing it because he just wants to get off real quick and orgasm..or relieve stress..which he is under ALOT right now....would it be any different if you walked in on him masturbating in the shower??

sweetie, he loves you...and just because he is looking at porn or pics of women does NOT mean hes cheating. DO NOT make this out to be more then it is...sometimes we need "me time"...with everything you are going through, you do not need this added stress, you need to have as little stress as possible, and your making a mountain out of a mole hill really

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

...after I found out that DH has roaming eyes, I looked up on the internet as to how to be more sexual so that he won't have the roaming eyes. And this is one of the sites that came up on my research. And now I can't even the stomach the idea of sex with DH. I'm really disgusted and lost respect for him as what I think a husband should be - a man who is totally devoted to his wife and wouldn't want to hurt her.

After I found out what he was doing, I researched the internet to find ways to improve our sex lives, even wearing sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret and getting all dolled up beforehand. I even read an article here on how to give good oral sex. I tried numerous ways to be more adventurous and such. But the more I tried, the more I resented him for making me feel like this.

Anyway, I appreciate all of your responses, but I cannot accept the fact that he lusted after other women. It's just wrong anyway I look at it.

I can relate to how you are feeling, I had similar perspective when I was a young bride. I'm not sure of your background, but for me, I had all this ideology that came from a childhood unexposed to brothers and a father, I just didn't know the true nature of the male psyche.

So I did the same thing you did, took it upon myself to be "enough" that he wouldn't look or wonder about any other women. Not only did I resent it, but it was just TOO much work to overcome soemthing that is designed into them by The Creator. From a purely sociological perspective, looking is a universal male trait. They are visual creatures. You could be the entire cast of Bay Watch and he'd STILL be tempted to look. His interest IS NOT a lacking on your part. So take time to understand YOU can't change or "fix" him.

I spent the first decade of our life together trying to make Big conform to MY ideas of what a Father/Husband should be. And it wasn't really fair of me because when I finally gave him a chance to share his side of the story, he was raised with different mores and social structure that made his choices totally acceptable. Thing is, I never discussed with him the intricacies of his nature and how we each would behave in certain situations. I was making him feel bad for things he didn't think were wrong. And that was wrong of ME.

Your opinions are just that, opinions, and I won't tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. I will tell you to look inside yourself FIRST before casting blame on him and ask youself why you truly feel the way you do. My guess is you will find that you have a lot of deeply ingrained messages about what marriage and sex "should" be, most likely from conservative religious and familial sources. Then sit down and have a talk with hubby. Really listen to his side. If his background differs dramatically, then you owe it to your marriage to relax a little.

You obviously love him a lot, so let him be who he is. Come to conclusions together about his behavior, and then if he is in agreement with you that he wants to hold himself to a higher standard, then let him make some choices at your local christian bookstore that can help him change on his own. I can assure you that I stand in the midst of what I would consider a very successful 20 year marriage and can advise you won't always see eye to eye on things. You just have to respect each other enough to work through them in a loving and conscientious manner.

Good luck to you,

~LG

[Mikayla1]

OPL LG is VERY insightful here....it is definitely true, you could BE a porn star and he would look...you could BE a model and he would STILL look! I mean, come on now.

I have to be a little blunt here, cause you did come here for help and opinions, and you do not seem even a little bit open to realization here. You say you want to know and get help, but when person after person tells you the same thing, even a very respectable and Godly man tells you, you still say "I don't care, he shouldn't do this...."

Honey, let me just be blunt.....if all he is doing is looking, and it isn't too excessive (all day, every day) and he is still loving and intimate with you, and not asking you to BE those women...then let it go! For the sake of your marriage, let it go. Get off his back about it and I bet it will get less frequent. Men want women who are supportive and confident, if you constantly harrass him about it.....well, he is going to search for comfort in the women who do not nag or talk....the computer women.

Just try to understand that this is NOT personal, you are NOT the first woman to feel this way, you are NOT being disrespected (if everything you say is true) and when he is having sex with you, he IS having sex with YOU. I think it is unreasonable for you to assume he is thinking of the girls he looks at online. My hubby looks at Penthouse and I am soooo not a Penthouse model. Do I think taht he can 'confuse' my body for the July centerfold? OF course not! He enjoys looking and different breasts, pussies, bodies, but he sleeps with MINE.

You have to get over it....as hard as it is...you have to try.

[jhard]

Thank you for your replies. I really do appreciate it. There must be something wrong with me.

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. We are all evolving and where we are today is most likely not where we will be 5 or 10 years from now. In the sense that "there is something wrong with you" there is something wrong with all of us, meaning we are working through some things. I condsider it a sign of intelligent existence.

I want DH to think ONLY of me that way.

Most likely he is. Bottom line is we can't control other people's thoughts so it is best that we don't even try. I have adopted this mentality and it does wonders in lifting a heavy unnecesary load off of my shoulders.

I don't want him lusting after other women, even if it's only in picutres. It just makes me feel like he's thinking about the other women and then I'm there for him to have sex with. It's not good enough for me. I want him to be turned on by ONLY me and then have sex with me - not be turned on by THEM and then have sex with me.

This is a control thing. As hard as it is, things get much easier and less stressful when we stop trying to control.

Does that make sense? It just makes me feel used, like he can't have them so I'm the next best thing since I'm physically there. When we got married, I took my vows seriously. I'm not sure exactly where in the Bible it says this, but I read somewhere that if a man is lusting after a woman with his eyes, it still counts as cheating.

Unfortunatly, he can't control how you feel, only you can. You are not "the next best thing", you are the best thing for him and he chose you and he is sleeping with you. It helps to look and what we have not dwell on what we don't have. I'm sure he took his vows seriously as well, and he may well have guilt problems about looking at porn. The biblical verse about lust goes hand in hand with coveting. There is a difference between admiration and coveting.

After I found out what he was doing, I researched the internet to find ways to improve our sex lives, even wearing sexy lingerie from Victoria's Secret and getting all dolled up beforehand. I even read an article here on how to give good oral sex. I tried numerous ways to be more adventurous and such. But the more I tried, the more I resented him for making me feel like this

.

Praise the Lord, I garauntee you that your man appreciates that more than he can put in words. When my wife makes gestures such as you described, it makes me feel like a million bucks. It gives me hope. It lets me know that she cares about my primal carnal desires and is making an effort to fulfill them within our marriage. Men are so easy to please. All a gal really has to know is "balls empty...stomach full, in that order"

I can't talk with anyone IRL. To other people looking in from the outside, they think we have the perfect, fairytale marriage. But on the inside, I just want to scream how could he do this to me! I've never looked at another man lustfully. I even turned guys down whenever they would ask me out for coffee (when I was still in college). One guy even gave me a bouquet of flowers after class one day, and I told him that I was married. I tried to turn down taking the flowers, but I took them home and threw them in the trash. I told my DH about it, and he got really jealous. So what makes it right that he can be jealous about other guys finding me attractive and I can't feel this way about him? When he's lusting after other women's pictures, he's doing the same thing.

This is real life, just a little different. I also have the "perfect marraige". You see, I am looking down the line, call it creative imagination if you will. I "see" where I want for us to end up and do what I think needs to be done to create what will be. I do not worry about how long it will take and I certainly enjoy the ride. I spend more time thinking about how I can make things better than how others can make things better. Again, I can only control myself (and quite poorly at that!) I understand your thing about flowers and coffee and such. In my circle of friends husbands and wives kiss on the cheek and hug as a form of greeting. For me this is always sexual. I have too really tell myself that my friends wives actually like me and want to greet me with a kiss on the cheek and a hug and I do not have to feel that they want to screw me, just that they are happy to see me.

I guess I live by the rule do unto others as you would have done unto you. I would never lust after other guys, nor look at pictures of naked me. And that's what I expect from my DH. He was the first person I've ever dated (I was planning on being a nun when I was younger), and we didn't even have sex until the day after we got married.

I bet you that our raisin' was pretty simaler. Unfortunately, our (my) conservative upbrining has a lot of heavy baggage that comes with it, especially when it comes to sex. Next to sending his son for us, SEX IS THE BEST GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN THE HUMAN RACE, it is the best entertainment, the best stress reliever, it is free, it is for the young and the old, the rich and the poor, it is meant to be perfect and it is for us all. As believers, over the centuries we have done a really great job of complicating it and loading it up with guilt.

Anyway, I appreciate all of your responses, but I cannot accept the fact that he lusted after other women. It's just wrong anyway I look at it. And I know I shouldn't judge him, Lord knows I'm not perfect. But there are some things that I cannot ...I will not... put up with. I'm just trying to figure out how I am going to deal with this. I don't want a divorce, as I still love him with all my heart. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I need to find a way to get over this, and I so want to turn back time to the way it was before I found out. Like the old saying goes...Ignorance IS bliss. And I wish I was ignorant right now. How can I look at him the same way now? Whenever we have sex, I'm wondering if he's looking at the other women and getting turned on and that's why he's having sex with me.

Please think about the difference between lust and admiration. If you can, worry about your "wrong and right" and let your husband worry about his "wrong and right". And then ask for patience and understanding. Forget divorce, don't even go there. Getting a divorce over this is like getting a divorce because he sprinkles when he prinkles. Remeber, any swinging dick you drag through your door is likely to look at porn, and most likely do a whole host of other things that I am sure you hubby does not.

jhard

[tkla]

Hey Bobo I know where you are coming from. My husband is the first man I was ever with, and he looks at porn fairly freguently. Early in our relationship this caused me horrible feelings. I felt that I must be lacking in some way, he wasn't happy with me so he needed to look at others, I must not be sexual enough, or he wouldn't need to look at porn etc.... However, and I'm not sure exactly when it happened, I have somehow revised my thinking. We have been married for almost five years now, and have a wonderful marriage. It doesn't bother me now, and he doesn't look at it often, but occasionally he still does. I have learned that no matter who he looks at, he loves and wants me. That's all there is to it. Just because we are married, doesn't mean we don't have eyes. I still notice an attractive men....and my husband still notices attractive women. Despite this, we love each other unconditionaly. Hope this helps, and I wish you luck with dealing with this.

[sun_flower969]

I am going to say some things here, Now I am not like everyone else. What exactly is he doing? Is he looking at porn clips and masturbating? How often is he doing it? Is he hiding it? Does he choose it over being sexually intimate with you? The thing is, within a marriage, if you are expecting exclusivity and he is sneaking around doing this stuff it feels like betrayal. This is why I DO NOT LIKE PORN! I have huge issues with it and I could go on and on about how it can become a problem in peoples relationships. It is not necessary! There is no reason why you should not be enough for him. Not ALL men look at porn, maybe the majority does but that's not the point. I think you have reason to be concerned if: it is a compulsive thing or if he is hiding it, doing it in excess. It really depends on what is going on in his head. I really feel for you, I know what you are going through, feeling inadequate, like you can't measure up to those porn stars... Yeah I can relate. The thing is, YOU, are uncomfortable with it so he should recognize that and be sensitive. Unless he has a deeper issue with it and can't stop!

I have lots more I could say on this topic. You can PM me if you want to talk.

[Mikayla1]

Sunflower does make a great point...there are men (and women) out there who do become addicted to porn and fail to give the proper respect and admiration to their partners. There are those who forsake any intimacy with their loved ones for pornographic images - or who can not operate normally sexually without the porn. If this was his issue, my answers to you would be completely different.

However, you have only indicated that he occassionally looks at these women online, he doesn't do it all the time, he doesn't seem to be mentioning that they are fueling his desire for sex, and he doesn't sit and watch porn movies either. In my opinion (opinion here) he is not out of the realm of a normal, healthy sexual appetite for variety.

I think Iha has given you the best answer possible on what is or is not 'God's intentions' toward this, as well as some healthy insight into a man's psyche...I just hope you are willing and able to hear all these thoughts and helpful opinions here.

[ladylove]

Ok bobo, just want to let you know I'm very conservative, but I've always told my H:

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home to eat!

It really shouldn't be a problem as long as it isn't interfering in your sex life, or his everyday life.

[brianmichele]

I haven't read through all of the posts to see what others are saying, but I want you to know that I am here for you if you would like to talk. I know how you feel (for the most part). The first thing I want to tell you is you are not your husband's conscience. I know this is hard, and I am struggling with this myself, but let him look at what he will and just be the wife you are called to be. Don't nag him about or try to find out if he is looking, just make a choice to love him. Also at this point, your views are different, there is no way you can change his mind and you shouldn't change yours. You will need to accept what is and go from there. I can recommend many books for you to read to help in this area if you are interested.

Second, I have caught my husband looking at porn online several times over the course of our marriage and I will admit that a lot of the reason why he had to go "looking" was my fault. It started out as pictures and later became movies and then one day it became an affair. I was hurt, angry, confused. I hated him, I hated me.

I agree with you that marriage is a sacred vow and forsaking all others means exactly that. Yes, guys will look, but that's just the way they are wired and there is nothing wrong with that. If they weren't wired to look they would be so preoccupied with work or games or hunting/fishing, etc to ever notice us and then there would be no sex or marriage at all. It is gauking or seeking out of someone to look at that I disagree with. All men have the ability and can make the choice to look away, though.

My husband and I just had a disagreement about your post. He saw it online and told me I might want to reply to you. I agreed with him, but then our discussion led to our disagreeing about porn again. So, it is an ongoing battle. I don't know that he and I will ever agree or that you and your husband will, but I do know that if we are the wives we are supposed to be that is what really matters. I am glad he told me about your post and I hope something I said can help you. I think the best thing to do is let your husband know how you feel in a non threatening way and then leave it at that. I started a journal for my husband and write my thoughts and feelings in it when I can't sit down and talk to him or when I want to have the time to find just the right words and not sound condemning or overbearing or angry. I started with cards, but there were so many it was easier to keep the journal so it was all in one place - cheaper too.

Please feel free to email me privately if you would like a list of the books or to talk in more detail. Best wishes.

[*Mikayla's~Man*]

I am married to Mikayla. Mikayla is a very, very, very sexual person. I get anything and everything I want/need sexually. There is not one sexual wish I want that she wouldn't provide. Also, contrary to what she may see in herself, she is a gorgeous woman, not perfect to others perhaps, but close to perfect to me. I love her, I respect her, sometimes I am in awe of her. She is, in a nutshell, perfect for me.

Now, I love to look at naked women. I love to look at Mikayla, I love to look at porn, I love to look at mags, cause I love women. This is no way means I do not love or desire Mikayla. When I am making love wtih Mikayla, it is Mikayla who I am connecting with. It is Mikayla's body who I am with. When I have private masturbation time, it can be Mikayla or Angelina Jolie or any other 'girl du jour' cause that is MY fantasy time. It has nothing to do with Mikayla.

If she were nagging me about looking at other women (and she doesn't, cause she looks too!) or watching porn, then I would still do it, I just wouldn't let her know. I am a man and as a man I have a wandering eye, which is greatly different than a wandering penis.

I would let this go. Try to take the advice here and just be more confident and secure in his love for you. It is not you that you doubt it is him and his l0ove. That feelign will translate badly to him, I guarantee it. Good luck to you and may you find inner peace with this and with yourself.

[Mikayla1]

I am married to Mikayla. Mikayla is a very, very, very sexual person. I get anything and everything I want/need sexually. There is not one sexual wish I want that she wouldn't provide. Also, contrary to what she may see in herself, she is a gorgeous woman, not perfect to others perhaps, but close to perfect to me. I love her, I respect her, sometimes I am in awe of her. She is, in a nutshell, perfect for me.

awww honey, that is so sweet!

I also love the 'wandering penis' point....that is a great way to say it.

[ohshelly]

Honey, if you make to big of a deal out of it, he will continue to look, but hide it from you.

That will create even more problims. Try to take everyones advise and lighten up a little.

He loves you, you are the woman he wants to have children with. That is a lifetime comittment. That is what matters.

[dscn]

one thing I can say to try is to make your own homemade porn. Me and my wife made a few after we got married I did not want to watch porn as much as I did when I was single so I told her and we made home made porn and pictures. So that is what I look at most of the time I still do sometimes look at porn.. I look but when I am having sex with my wife it's my wife I am having sex with her body is what I am thinking about. Sit down with hime and as him why he looks at porn see what he says. Just talk to him and see why.

[cmwise1]

I don't want to sound blunt, either, but I'm afraid i will. But here goes:

You cannot change another person. You do not control their thoughts. You have no right to do that. A person can change themselves, but you cannot make them. If you try to control another, then both of you will feel bad..you for your inability to change him, and him for your notion he needs to be changed.

Men like to look. That is like saying men like sex. It is not a big deal. IMO, you are being too sensitive about a normal behavior. Do you think he is bad because he masturbates? That is normal behavior, too.

You are lucky to have a man who cares for you and wants to have a child with you. Not everyone is so lucky. To want him to change is just asking for trouble and unhappiness. There will be many more stressors in your lives together if you have and raise a child. Again, IMO you need to focus on growing together as a couple and not growing apart.

[harmanwk]

bobo,

I read over several of the posts, but not all of them.

I did notice that some posts tell you not to change him, but that would mean you have to change. I see marriage as a change for both parties, a sacrifice by one side on many things, a comproise on many others and some things have to be worked out. For you this sounds like it needs to be worked out.

One question, have you told your husband how it makes you feel when he views porn? I did not see in your posts where you mentioned this. Knowing that you don't approve and knowing how it makes you feel are two different things. You may even ask him if he even knows why he likes to look at porn. If it is just to get quick relief maybe you could offer a handjob, blowjob or whatever for a quickie anytime he needs (barring illness) if he will just ask. Remember, this quickie is to get him off so don't be disappointed if it doesn't lead to other things. Sometimes it might. If he likes the fantasy part (and I am sure with no desire act on it), maybe you might try writing some erotic stories about the two of you for him to read. Some for the two of you to act out and some just for fantasy. Maybe he can write some and both of you read. This is working it out and takes time, effort, communication, patience, insight, forgiveness and love (I am sure I missed something). Whatever you do, don't let resentment bottle up, it only makes it worse.

For myself, I was on your husband's side and my wife caught me several years ago and she was very upset. She had to go visit her family for a few days. She explained to me how it made her feel. Much how you explained in your post. Why did I do it? What it came down to was an escape from stress. It wasn't about wanting or desiring another woman. I found that while looking at porn online that I didn't think about all of the stresses that I faced every day and the endorfins when I orgasmed reinforced that. Once I realized this and how it made my wife feel, I had to find other ways to "escape" and reduce my stress. I didn't say it was easy for either of us or that I changed overnight, but don't give up.

Yes, the trust can come back, but it takes time AND effort from both of you. If your marriage is worth having it is worth working for. I hope both of you are able to work through this and make your marriage stronger. Best of Luck.

[sun_flower969]

bobo,

I read over several of the posts, but not all of them.

I did notice that some posts tell you not to change him, but that would mean you have to change. I see marriage as a change for both parties, a sacrifice by one side on many things, a comproise on many others and some things have to be worked out. For you this sounds like it needs to be worked out.

One question, have you told your husband how it makes you feel when he views porn? I did not see in your posts where you mentioned this. Knowing that you don't approve and knowing how it makes you feel are two different things. You may even ask him if he even knows why he likes to look at porn. If it is just to get quick relief maybe you could offer a handjob, blowjob or whatever for a quickie anytime he needs (barring illness) if he will just ask. Remember, this quickie is to get him off so don't be disappointed if it doesn't lead to other things. Sometimes it might. If he likes the fantasy part (and I am sure with no desire act on it), maybe you might try writing some erotic stories about the two of you for him to read. Some for the two of you to act out and some just for fantasy. Maybe he can write some and both of you read. This is working it out and takes time, effort, communication, patience, insight, forgiveness and love (I am sure I missed something). Whatever you do, don't let resentment bottle up, it only makes it worse.

For myself, I was on your husband's side and my wife caught me several years ago and she was very upset. She had to go visit her family for a few days. She explained to me how it made her feel. Much how you explained in your post. Why did I do it? What it came down to was an escape from stress. It wasn't about wanting or desiring another woman. I found that while looking at porn online that I didn't think about all of the stresses that I faced every day and the endorfins when I orgasmed reinforced that. Once I realized this and how it made my wife feel, I had to find other ways to "escape" and reduce my stress. I didn't say it was easy for either of us or that I changed overnight, but don't give up.

Yes, the trust can come back, but it takes time AND effort from both of you. If your marriage is worth having it is worth working for. I hope both of you are able to work through this and make your marriage stronger. Best of Luck.

What a great reply and perspective! I know it is not MY issue per say but it is so refreshing to see your POV!

[froggystyle1977]

You have recieved some very insightfull and wonderful answers here with a range of good, bad and ugly. I have a different suggestion that I have not seen mentioned here. If you are religious and it seems that you may be then go speek to your minister\preacher what have you.

Another thing and this is a big one and noone has stated it, (you may think this is harsh but) until you get your trust issues and whatever issues you have in the marriage (not wanting ot have sex with your husband) STOP TRYING TO HAVE A BABY!! Do not bring a child into a relationship that needs fixing it will only separate you further and makes things worse. Fix your marriage then try for a baby.