Selfish?

[Tyger]

OK, here's something new......

This is one of the things that's been bugging me lately.

My hubby & I use to have fantastic sex, before our DD was born. Before we planned for her, I sat hubby down and told him that I would more than likely only want ONE child....that I don't believe that I have the patience or stamina for anymore than that. Plus, he already has a girl from his previous marriage. He was all set with that, and said ok. Though, he did say that I'd probably change my mind when the child was about 4 or 5.

Well, I had a hard recovery time after DD, and, on top of that, some other health issues. Our sex life suffered. Then, not soon after I was healed enough for sex, DH started pressuring me to have another baby. I was breastfeeding at the time, exhausted ALL of the time, and told him to kiss my ass.

Fast-forward to now. Our DD is almost 6 (OMG!!), and I am STILL of the mind that I am ok with just the one. We are at a point where he's catching up on his back child support in good time, and able to go do stuff with our DD, without 500 lbs of baby gear. I love having a slight break while DD is at school and am looking for a Mother's Hours PT job. I love being able to pay attention to her the way I can. I love going to her school functions & her karate lessons with just me and some camera gear to worry about.

If there's more than one child around, I get irritable, and I KNOW it. I'm a big enough person to know my limitations. Most people agree that I'm doing the right thing by sticking to my guns.

My DH calls me selfish for not wanting another child. He KNOWS of all the issues that I had with the birthing (c-section), and afterwards. Not that I would trade my DD for anything in the world, but I just don't want to go thru all that again JUST so he can try to have a son, which there's no guarantee that we'd have a boy anyway! It's not like I wasn't totally upfront and honest about this when we decided to have a child. He was OK with it at the time, probably cuz he thought I'd change my mind.

When we have sex, it's great. But, I use 2 methods....the Pill and after I put foam up there too. I had dental work done the other day, so I have antibiotics, and he's pissed that I will make him wear a condom ontop of being on the Pill.

I tried getting the Mirena put in, but his insurance opted not to cover it. So, I am doubling up. He will NOT go get a vasectomy, and I would LOVE to have my tubes cut, tied, and burned, but we can't afford the deductable for that yet. He's teased by saying he'll poke holes in the condoms, and I tell him that if he gets me pregnant like that, I would probably divorce him on fraud. I don't think that kinda joking around is at all funny. It makes me NOT want to have sex at all. I love him, but he's really pissing me off this way.

Even his FATHER told me the other day that I was selfish for not wanting another child! I told him that men produce sperm til they die, so he can get off his ass and go have another kid of his own if he wants to have a baby around, and to leave me out of it!!

Don't get me wrong, when we DO have it, it's GREAT! I've spoken to him of how he makes me feel like I can't trust him, and that when he says that I'm selfish for not wanting another child hurts me. I've gotten so pissed at him one time I told him that if he wanted another child, he'd better leave my ass and find some hoochie to have another one with, cuz it's not happenin' here. He just doesn't get it, and, IMO, he's the one being selfish.

[Mikayla1]

This is such an interesting post Tyg, and I can relate TOTALLY. First, in my own experiences, I was just perfectly happy with my one son. I too had a hard delivery, had the c-section and all that. It was brutal getting recovered from that. Add to that a child with severe ADHD and my nerves were totally frazzled. My hubby said "NO MORE" for 6 whole years. It was, well, set for us. Then one day I start feeling sick, dizzy, ill. I wait a few weeks, go to the doctor and find out I AM PREGGO! Never missed the period in the first 2 months.

I was....confused! I would never abort a baby, so here I was, pregnant. It took all of a day to become totally psyched to be having another. Now I have this perfect little boy who is the other joy of my life. I don't regret it now, even though it wasn't planned, and I am so happy to have my boys...BUT, I do NOT want another. Hence why my hubby had the vasectomy.

I do not at all think you are being selfish. I think people who have children they can not afford or have patience for are the selfish ones! I mean, these are little people, not pets, and they require a life-long committment. Also, don't get me wrong here, but the Dads are not usually the ones around 24/7 - and they sometimes don't realize what a strain a child is. You can love your child more than life and still want to get away from them!

I have a friend who doesn't want kids. Never did, never changed. She was told over and over how selfish she is. She always said, 'why selfish? Cause I won't bring a child into this world that I really don't want or that I should just have a child to have one?' She is right. Having children is a personal choice, and I do not think that you are being selfish at all. Unfortunatly, for your hubby, he only knows that he wants another, so he is going to try and use anything he can to change your mind. Now, I ask you, in that kind of situation do you even want to give that man a child? Of course not! You want to be in the best place together and try for a child.

I get ya honey, and I know where you are. Stay firm if that is your decision, but always leave yourself open to the idea if you have any doubts, that way it doesn't seem so final!

[pappyld04]

Isn't it selfish to want to try again just to have a son? He should feel lucky that he has 2 beautiful, healthy girls!

[vanilla_bean]

After I already had two kids, I was under pressure from every direction to have another. It was tough. I didn't mind the thought of having three kids, but my second child was a really difficult baby. I knew I absolutely didn't have the energy for another one like her. Of course there are no guarantees about baby's gender or about Mom or baby's health. I think that if someone wants a child, but only wants it with specific outcomes, then it's a bad idea to get pregnant. You have to be prepared to love whatever you get. Stick to your guns Tyger!

[sun_flower969]

It is so hard, this impasse. He wants another and you are all done. Does he remember the hard times when she was a baby the late nights etc? I get it too girl! Believe me we were done when I had my second! Like Mikayla I was shocked to find myself pregnant. Here I am now with an almost 6 year old, 4 year old and a baby! I don't want to minimize your feelings but I felt so much anxiety about having this baby. I had SEVERE gestational diabetes when I was pregnant. I was on over 100 units of insulin (Pinky will tell you that is a lot!) Every pregnancy is worse for me this last one was no exception. I had back problems and other things not related to pregnancy which were aggravated by being pregnant. Let me tell you I NEVER wanted to get pregnant again. Yet now I look back and it is like oh well it was only 9 months and it does go by pretty fast. In addition we were very comfortable with just the 2 girls. Having the new baby was like starting over again. It was tough at first. Now he is 9 months old. I am telling you it is GREAT now. The girls LOVE him! He is a wonderful addition to our family! All your reasons for not wanting another baby are completely valid. Yet I bet you would see things different if you were faced with no choice. Here we are 9 months later and I can not imagine my life without this little person in it! You have to do what's best for you however! I hope he can be sensitive to your strong feelings about this. Especially if it is something you have no intentions of even considering...

[LilyElle]

We're behind you, Tyger! Pappy's got it right, he's being the selfish one. He should be glad he's got two wonderful daughters, and that you DID recover after your daughter's birth.

I hate the assumption that women have to want to have children, or if they have one already, that they have to want more. I'm one of those women who just doesn't really want to have children, and ever since I made that known, everyone but a few of my best friends has either called me selfish or given me a knowing look and told me I'd change my mind when my friends started having babies. As if the decision of whether or not to have kids should be decided by peer pressure, like whether to buy a certain style of shoes!

Tyger, you have every right to want to have only one child. That is NOT selfish! He is the one being selfish, trying to manipulate you into changing your mind on a decision this important. Making him wear a condom while you're on antibiotics is completely reasonable. Like Vanilla Bean said, stick to your guns, Tyger.

Here's a little cheerleader:

#<()>#

We're rooting for you! Don't back down!

[chloegirl]

I agree with you too Tyger! I'm not knocking the people who just love the thought of being tied down and surrounded by children...if that's what makes them happy go for it....but for people to try to judge you and make you feel guilty for knowing yourself well enough to know that you DON'T want that makes me furious! Of course once they are here we love them, but if you have the choice and you choose not to have a litter then that's the right choice for you and everyone else needs to shut the hell up and stay out of it unless they want to be the ones who want that lifelong 24/7 committment it takes to raising them. I doubt that hubby would relish the idea of being the main stay at home caregiver for the next umpteen years. I know that there are alot of good, hands on dads around these days, but like Mikayla said...it's usually the woman who has the major brunt of raising the kids and it's a lifetime committment and expense! It is NOT selfish to admit how you feel about a subject this serious and to follow thru with it knowing that it's the right choice for you. This is one of those cases where you owe it to yourself not to cave, but be true to yourself! Best wishes to you!

[synirr]

IMO, he's the one being selfish.

Absolutely!

Sounds like you need to make it known, somehow, that your mind is made up and that trying to change that is just going to create arguments and hurt your relationship. His options are either you, or another baby... he can't have both.

[brianmichele]

I agree with you too Tyger! I'm not knocking the people who just love the thought of being tied down and surrounded by children..., but if you have the choice and you choose not to have a litter

I am not trying to be argumentative here, but it really does sound like you are knocking those who choose to have a large family. You say those with a large family are "tied down" and call them a litter which has a very negative connotation. I beleive in large families. I would love a larger family than I already have, but we have decided it's not whats best for us right now. I know many, many families with 6, 8, or 9 children and they are not tied down. They are on the go more than I am.

I think if someone doesn't want children that it is sad. I also don't think someone should be pressured into having more if they don't want to. I also beleive when you choose to have children you are making a life long (at least 18-20 years)committment to put them first. Being a parent means being unselfish. If someone is selfish they shouldn't be having kids.

Tyger, I am sure you have talked with your husband, but it sounds like you are doing a lot of fighting about this issue. Maybe a moderator would be helpful. I agree that he shouldn't pressure you into having more children if it's not what you want, and don't take my statements to mean that I think you are being selfish, I don't. I think you are being responsible by not bringing a child into this world which you know you do not want at this time. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can work this out with him.

Also, if it's the baby routine you don't want there are thousands of older children waiting for a good home. Maybe adoption of an older child is a solution you could look into.

[chloegirl]

I am not trying to be argumentative here, but it really does sound like you are knocking those who choose to have a large family. You say those with a large family are "tied down" and call them a litter which has a very negative connotation.

Sorry about how that came out. I truly did not mean to sound derogatory. I know many families with 5 - 9 children and they are all happy, with well-behaved children who get along beautifully! I have nothing but respect for them....it is an awesome accomplishment to be able to successfully raise a large family of happy, well-adjusted kids. I also firmly believe that not everyone is wired to naturally want that. There are many people who are happy with just a small family or even no kids at all and they are not sad at all. Everyone is different and I don't believe it makes you a bad or "unnatural" person if you don't want them. It's that opposite prejudice of assuming that those people are self-centered or selfish just because they don't feel that need that gets me riled. The important thing is knowing how you truly feel about it and living your life the way that makes you happy and not trying to conform to other people's stereotypical expectations. What's right for one is not necessarily right for the next one and it takes an enlightened person to know themselves well enough to live their life in a way that is right for them and they should not have to defend their decision.

[synirr]

I think if someone doesn't want children that it is sad. I also don't think someone should be pressured into having more if they don't want to. I also beleive when you choose to have children you are making a life long (at least 18-20 years)committment to put them first. Being a parent means being unselfish. If someone is selfish they shouldn't be having kids.

Hey now... pot calling the kettle black? You're welcome to your opinion, but if you think what chloegirl said was knocking those who choose to have large families, maybe you shouldn't turn right back around and do the same to those who choose NOT to. I don't want children, I don't think it's sad, and it's not selfish at all for me to CHOOSE not to have a child that I don't want. Maybe for you childrearing is the ultimate goal, but personally, I guess I'll just have to go on living my sad little life that I intend to devote to other pursuits.

[stockingsandheels]

I think if someone doesn't want children that it is sad. I also don't think someone should be pressured into having more if they don't want to. I also beleive when you choose to have children you are making a life long (at least 18-20 years)committment to put them first. Being a parent means being unselfish. If someone is selfish they shouldn't be having kids.

My wife and I decided not to have children and we're perfectly happy. Why would you say "I think if someone doesn't want children that it is sad" Whats good for you may not be for other people. Personally I think having a large family is very selfish.

[cybele]

IMO, I think that your husband should be more concerned about your health and well-being. If you had such a difficult time, six years later isn't going to make the next go around any easier, especially since you've had health issues on top of it.

I had wanted a large family, but we stopped after three since I discovered my limitations. I was stressed enough and it wouldn't be fair to the children I already had, to add any more. Taking into consideration our business (at the time) and the hours we put into it, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.

[mystofpric]

Hi El Tygre!

Here's the thing, if you don't feel you can handle or even just want another child, then your done. End of story. Now add in the fact that your fist was not an easy birth, then your well within your rights as a person and a wife. You and your hubby talked long ago, and he said fine, but if you change your mind then he's ready when you are. Right? Plus isn't your hubby a week gone a week home? or something like that? Cause I'd be looking at him and telling him hat he's not the one who has to wake up 12 times a night. If you really want to take away that feeling of distrust, get female condoms, awkward and annoying but then you have them and he can't puncture them. OKay well that doesn't actually give you your trust back but it elimentates the temption for him.

Also, Violet Dawn, I'm not going to condem your opinion, but I will say this. I'm the middle of five kids. We were always broke, holidays and birthdays were a HUGE stress on my mom, oh did I mention she was a single mother? And I only talk to 2 of my siblings and not very regularly. Plus once you start tossing in 1/2 siblings and steps and I'm closer to 1 of 15. I'm hugely jealous of small families and I only hope to have one or two so I can focus on them more.

Suzy

[brianmichele]

I think reading more carefully would be a good idea. I said that if you knew you didn't want children or want more children that it was a responsible decision to not have them. I said that you need to be unselfish when you do have them. I did not mean that you were being selfish if you chose not to have them. I also didn't say that people who chose not to have children were sad, just that I thought it is sad that so many people don't want them. I also am supportive of Tyger and her decision and stated so in my post. I don't think anyone should ever be forced to have children or anything else that they don't want to do.

I know families who have many children for the wrong reasons and live in poverty or close to it. Most of the large families I know have to make sacrifices, but do so willingly and unselfishly. These families are anything but poor. They need to watch their budget and plan ahead, which is something everyone needs to learn to do to have a better economic outlook for the future. Children are given far too much in society today which produces selfish adults. Kids don't need everything they want and that does not make a family poor if they are unable or unwilling to give into every whim that their children have. It makes for healthy realistic views of life.

I have 4 children and have had one miscarriage, so I have 2 sets of kids because there is 6 years between my 2nd and 3rd kids. It was challenging having to remember to pack a diaper bag after 4 years of not needing one and having to remember to pack snacks if we were going to be out awhile. My kids have always gone with us whenever we go somewhere and it has never been a burden. I can't imagine life without the smile of my youngest daughter or the energy of my youngest son. No, it's not for everyone and that's a personal decision.

[Tyger]

Thanks to all who've replied so far. Here are my lists of reasons as to why I am done having kids:

I've spoken to him about this, though he doesn't bring it up all the time (at least once a week when he's home), when he does bring it up, I'm to the point where I get pissed at him. He has asked me repeatedly WHY NOT? Well, as anally specific as I've gotten with him in the past about it, I've told him that it's now HIS problem if he doesn't listen to my explanations, and I'm not going to keep explaining myself after 6 whole years of the same answer. So, he can either accept it and love us the way that we are as a family, or divorce my ass, though I'm staying right where I am, and find another woman to have a brood with, cuz it's not gonna be me.

A large family decision should be made by both parties. I know of a few people, that when they started out, they wanted 4,5,6,7, even 8 kids. After the 3rd one, they figured out that, for them, that was enough. It's important to KNOW your limitations. I mean, what's the point of having such a large family, if you can't truly enjoy it all?

Adoption is a fantastic option, for those that want kids and can't have any/more. But, not for me. I don't want anymore. I'm done, finito, completed, over and done, TYVM.

With my c-section, it took me the whole 6 weeks to heal up where I could physically lay down and get back up. 3 weeks after the surgery, one morning I woke up and couldn't stand up all the way. DH was at work, and I had to call my Mother so she could come get me and take me to the chiropractor. I was soooo out of alignment that I just couldn't do it.

I had to be on suppressive therapy with bladder infections. The first trimester, I had a bladder infection every 10 days, so they finally gave me one Macrobid a day, so I wouldn't have anymore. Then, every single month, I had a herpes outbreak. I refused to take the Valtrex that I was Rxed because there's no studies on how Valtrex affects a fetus, so I had to deal with that discomfort every month. We barely had sex during my entire pregnancy due to this! Plus I had some disease that I can't remember what it's called now, but it causes a dry patch in the cervix, predominantly in white women, and makes sex very painful, no matter if you use lube or not. It was over a year after our DD's birth, before I could enjoy sex again!!!

Hubby was working the night shift at that time, and slept most of the day, so, indeed, it was pretty much just ME, and whatever help my Mom could offer me. Thankfully, she came everyday for a few hours, took me where I needed to go, and lifted the carseat for me to her car and back, so I could heal.

I was tired ALL the time, trying to keep her quiet, breastfeeding, and having to sleep in a recliner, with her in my arms cuz I couldn't manuever myself to reach over and get her. Twisting and bending was IMPOSSIBLE for me for 6 weeks. And, I BLED those 6 weeks, just as they warned me that I could do. I had told my OB after, next time, tell my body it would bleed for just a week....that was reasonable!! LOL

Now, DH is indeed away a week at a time, and my nerves are already frazzled to begin with. The Hurricane really took a lot out of my patients/stress levels, and adding another child ontop of all that isn't fair to the family, our daughter, myself, financial situation, as well as the baby itself. I'm either puttering around the house, on the internet, or cell phone, as therapy. I find it relaxing. LOL

I mean, it cost us almost a thousand dollars to fly his oldest DD here for a month! Granted, we got reimbursed half over a month later, but, we're pretty stretched out as it is. Plus he needs a new truck. His has almost 200k miles on it, and it's getting expensive to keep putting parts on it (Dodge 3.4 tone HEMI). And the animals.......well, we're getting by, but there's no way we'd be able to keep all the horses, get a new truck, and afford to do a bunch of other stuff we do now, with another baby.

Plus, I MISS helping out financially! I love getting out of the house, go to work, and get a paycheck. I miss being able to contribute financially to the family! I'm a SAHM now, and yes, I do a lot here, but I'm ready to move on to a paying job, as well as still having my family.

Hell, when I first met my now DH, I told him that I wasn't even sure I ever wanted kids! When he asked "why not" I said that I was too selfish with my time, and it was very true. I don't think that's a "sad" statement, but an open & honest one. If a person isn't ready or wanting to have kids at any point in their life, then it's their choice. I know of people that have made these statements, and stuck to them, and they're just as happy as those with families. It's a personal choice that shouldn't be entered into lightly.

"Surprise kids" can be blessings in disguise, or they can stir up resentment in the mothers that they don't deserve, but, you can't help how you feel either. I would hate to give in just to shut DH up, only to resent the child I didn't want. It wouldn't be fair to anyone, especially the child.

Anyway, looking forward to more responses.

[angelkisses98]

tyg...stick to your guns sweetie!! if you dont want another child for WHATEVER reason, he should respect that..especially since when you first met you told him you did not want ANY.

if you don't want children then you should not have children. peroid.

now, hubby and i are going through fert. treatments, because WE both want children. i am lucky enough to have a son from a previous relationship, and he may very well be it for me. we both went into treatment knowing that i have an 85% chance of a miscarriage. why? because we want a child together. if it does not work, we are planning to adopt.

bottom line is...having children or not having children is a personal choice. and no one deserves to be called selfish or sad or have any judgment or comments passed upon them.

[froggystyle1977]

Considering that I have been there with you since almost the beginning with your DD, I know exactly where your coming from!!! Though I honestly (and I have told you this) think you are selfish, only its in a good way!! your selfish in that you know yourself and know what your limitations are. He on the other hand is selfish in a bad way, its all about him and not your or your DD. His dad is selfish too considering he doesn't spend any time helping you either!!! Its not you darlin, your doing whats best!!!!!!!!

[mystofpric]

OH I forgot to say this earlier, but you have to be one of the least selfish people I have met in cyber-land. Whenever any os us is going through something tough you always have kind words for us. So, thank you and no your not selfish.

[Tyger]

Thanks for the sweet words Suzy!

[thurisas]

I have to agree with the general concensus here that you're certainly not being selfish. I even envy your ability to stick to your guns the way you are. I think if you're not ready for another child you should absolutely not give in to having one.

I have a question, though. You say he KNOWS all of the stuff you went through and you say you've talked about it. My question, I guess, is have you REALLY talked about it and does he REALLY remember what you went through? After all, he was asleep through much of your pregnancy and while you may have spoken about it in assorted conversations, to him that is an abstract thought. I only ask because I know you're a fairly vocal person, but vocal isn't always effective communication. Just a thought.

I still say hold your ground and do whatever it is you need to do to make him understand. You also need to let him know in no uncertain terms that the trust in your relationship took a hard hit.

Randy.

[Tyger]

Thanks Randy. Yeah, I'm pretty vocal. LOL!! I've also gained a lot of tact thru the years (yes really). However, I think that the problem lies with his ability to hear what he wants to hear. I mean, how can I repeat the same thing for 6 whole years, and him not hear it? Especially when HE'S the one that starts the conversations?

I've explained to him all the problems that I had, financial reasons, even my desire to spend quality time with our DD, the horses, other critters, AND get a job! I mean, he's just not absorbing it.

I keep saying the same things over and over again. I've even threatened to make a recording of my reasons, so I won't waste my breath on it anymore (I'm seriously considering really doing that). We've been together long enough where he should know that, when I make a decision, it's made. I never, ever swayed and said "well, maybe". And I was totally upfront with my views on that, my "religion", my strengths, as well as my many faults (such as sucking at not folding and putting away laundry and I hate hate hate to cook!).

He's a southern dude to an extreme. He married his first wife because she got pregnant with their daughter. He's usually dated women where they'll sway their minds just to please their man. I had looked at him when we decided to get serious, and told him if he wanted a "Yes sir" kinda gal, he was soooooooo looking in the wrong place! LMAO He definitely can't say I didn't warn him! LOL Hell, when I found out I had herpes, I told him that I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to just leave, and I wouldn't think anything bad about him, and I meant it. Perfect duck out (this is while we were dating, no plans for children at all). I understand how excited and proud he was being able to impregnant his women at all, since, as a child, he had some serious medical issues, that required 2 surgeries *down there*, and was told that he'd never be able to have children. But, I'm not going to make myself and our family suffer because he wants a boy, or just to prove that HE CAN. LOL

I've tried being reasonable, it's gotten me very upset, angry, and direct when I answer him. Now, at this point, I've given up on being nice at this point and tell him that if he can't hear what I am saying, or like it, then, that's on him, and he can make his own choices if this is where he wants to be. I love him, don't get me wrong here, cuz I know I'm sounding like a hard ass bitch. And it would really hurt me to loose him, but I've loved and lost a few times, for various reasons (usually cheating on me), but, I would go on, and have told him so, especially for the sake of our daughter. Wanna hear a funny? His ex wife's the same way of thinking, she was happy with just the one, and hasn't had anymore, and their DD will be 13 this Feb!! LMAO

[pappyld04]

My only DD will be 19 this year. And I still don't want another. I may in the future but it would take some soul-searching to make that decision!

[leslieanne]

Tyger - As an OB/GYN physician I spend my life surrounded by women in various stages of their lives and have yet to have a patient happy that they let themselves be pressured into having another child just to met the needs of their spouse, their parents or their inlaws. That's not to say that they don't love the child, but there is often a sense of resentment towards the child as well as the person who pressured them. You know yourself best, know your limitations, your strengths and weaknesses and your desires and dreams, so there is no one better to make the decision about whether you should or shouldn't have another baby. It's your decision all the way. And one additional observation you wouldn't believe the number of times I've heard "Well he really wants a boy so I agreed even though I really didn't want another baby".......... and then guess what - it's another girl.

And while from my perspective the physical aspects of another pregnancy are not really the issue and yes every pregnancy is different, since you had significant bladder issues in the first pregnancy you probably will with the second, same can be said for most of the other physical discomforts related to pregnancy. In addition a slow recover from a C-section the first time - most likely a slow (and even longer) recovery from a c-section the second time.

You are making the right decision for you.

[ohshelly]

Honey, you where honest with him from the start, he is changing the rules. That is not fair.

You are not being SELFISH, you are doing what is best for you and your family.

You are one smart lady, Tig, and I have always admired that about you.

Family size is a personal choice.

My former H and I had agreed on five children. He changed his mind after the third.

We are now divorced, and my SO has a son and daughter that I love dearly.

To my way of thinking, I now have my five children.

My DD and her DH do not plan on having a family. That is their choice, and I respect that.

Children are NOT a requirement of a happy, healthy relationship.

To each their own.