Marriage Without Sex?

[GUNNAR]

I need some serious help. Can a marriage survive without having sex. It's not my choice and my wife has no interest in sex at all. I've been married 14 years and it just keeps getting worse. I love my wife, but hate my marriage. It's so depressing. I always thought that marriage was for me. A house, kids, pets, friends, memories that I would always keep in my heart. Now look at me, asking if a marriage can last without sharing the best thing that could ever happen between a man and a women. Is anyone else in my shoes. What did you do to fix it? Can you fix it.................

[Mikayla1]

Lots of people are in situations just like yours. Some go years and years and NEVER try to do anything about it. Some confront their partner and get resolution and some confront their partner and separate. It is a very personal decision and situation.

First, I have to ask the obvious: have you talked to her about it? Have you told her your wants, needs and desires. Have you told her that you love her and that sex is just a healthy part of showing and sharing that love? It is important that first and foremost your partner knows what you are wanting.

Second, if she does know, how does she respond? Does she seem to not care? Does she full out say, "no sex" or does she have an excuse? Is it, "I am too tired" or "I don't have a sex drive?" Answers to this can really help resolve it.

Third, when you did have sex, was she an active partner? When did you notice the decline in sex? Is it a decline or all out NO sex? It is important to note how often and how you are having sex. Do you try to seduce her?

Fourth, do you take an active part in just taking care of the house? helping with kids, chores, dishes? Sometimes stress in a relationship when it comes to daily stuff gets overwhelming.

Fifth, do you have a loving friendship and partnership, or is she totally disinterested in general?

I think that if you give us some more information, we can help you better. Do not fear, you are not alone. While I can not personally attest to having this issue, I do know a lot of people who have and I think there are people here who may be able to help!

[thunderchild]

That is because with few exceptions women are by nature cunning, conniving, loveless, selfish, self centered creatures who have absolutely zero respect for a man and have been taught through the ages that men have no feelings, wants, needs, desires within a relationship and furthermore they don't give a damn if we do.

Welcome to the real world pal, what you see is what you get, they use their pussy to 'rope a dope' and if you marry that is when you are really fucked....for life.

I know you are going thru a divorce and I agree your ex is a total bitch, Poon I can say we are not all like that honestly babes xxx

All I can say is you need to do as Mikayla says, try to work at it.

[cybele]

All I want to add is to ask what is your family life like right now? Are there kids who are running her ragged? I remember a time period when I was too overwhelmed and stressed between running with the kids, running them around to their various activities, keeping up the house, cooking, and helping with homework plus working 30 hrs per week. By the time they were all in bed, I was too exhausted to want to play in our bed. We eventually figured out how to get some quality time together.

[sun_flower969]

Tons of people on here are in the same boat! Unfortunately, but hopefully they will chime in! My thoughts... TALK about it! talk talk talk and then talk some more! I know most guys hate that but listen, you have to tell her how you feel. One of my friends, on here actually, had her husband sit her down and talk to her one time about how frustrated he was with their sex life. Long story short, it changed her life and they are happier than ever! So don't be afraid to have the talk. If you never do, then nothing will ever change!

[Tyger]

All the advise is great here. I have to agree, Poon is going thru a bitter divorce, so his comments may be a bit more negative than usual. But he's speaking thru his experience as he knows it. So, we can't penilize him for that, but try to be understanding where he's coming from.

Most women enjoy sex just as much as men. Some men AND women just don't like it. Though, I think it's pretty rare (unless there was some traumatic experience).

Life in general, stress, fairness of chores/household responsibilities, her energy level, medications, maybe she isn't taking her vitamins? Is she fearful of getting pregnant again? For me, at this point, THAT is what's killing my sex drive. I don't want anymore, and DH has made it known that he would LOVE to have another---try for a boy. Maybe she's done having kids, but the issue of possibly having more hasn't really come up?

Or, there could be an issue of menopause, where her hormones are completely out of whack. Some women have gone thru menopause as early as in their mid 30's! So, yes, it's possible. If she is honest with you AND herself, and seriously can't figure out why she's not horny much, then she should speak with her OB/GYN and have some tests done.

[ohshelly]

Hi Gunnar

I am sorry about the situation you are in, because that is how I lived the last five or six years of my marriage.

Yep, here is a chick complaining about not getting any! Men and women are both sexual creatures,

and every relationship has its highs and lows. Sex is an important part of feeling the love and connection you have with your partner.

That being said, you have been in a low piont for a bit to long.

Hopefully with some open communication, you can turn this around. Sunflower is right, talking to your wife is the first step

in finding core of the problem. The fact that you still love her is a plus.

I hope she listens and gives what you say careful thought.

My ex and I could not come to any resolution and ended a 28 year marriage.

I am in another relationship now, something I never thought possible. I am happy, and with the person I should have been with all along.

The end of my marriage, in a round about way, was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am not telling you this because I think you should end the marriage, but I want you to know if it should end,

it does not mean the end of happiness.

Mikayla is very knowledgable and has given you some good things to get you started.

Best of luck, I hope she is open to listening to your needs.

[GUNNAR]

Thank you to all who have posted up some great information and advice. I've been wanting to ask this for quite some time, but I know if my wife found out, she would be upset. We have very busy life. I'm sure everyone does. I've always felt that you need to take time for one another. I know that I'm last on her list. She is the worlds best mother that our kids could ever have. She works out, eats right and gets plenty of rest. The only problem is their is NEVER any time for us. At the end of the day, she is tired and has always needed 8 hours of sleep. So as you can see the last thing she wants to do is fool around with me.

I've tried and tried to talk about our lack of love making. She almost always says: "You have to catch me when I'm in the right mood". I leave her love notes, send her songs, make her laugh, but none of this seems to help our problem. I do laundry, cleaning, chores. You name it and I always help out. I'm romatic and funny, but it's like I've got coodies. I try to scratch her back and she says my hands are rough and she doesn't like me touching her. She said when the wind blows I get excited. Heck, that's a good thing. I'd rather have that problem then no movement at all down their.

We went to see a counselor one time and all she did was cry. She's tried testosterone cream, medicine and anything that may help her libido. If and when we do have sex, she acts like she can't wait for it to end. I'm totally into pleasing her and my needs are the last thing on my mind when we are making love. I've been with other women before I was married and I don't think it's my love making. I just don't think she's into me any more.

We try the date night thing. You know dinner, maybe a movie or shopping. Stop for a glass of wine, but when we get home it's always "I ate too much or maybe in the morning honey". Their is always an excuse.

I've asked her to let me go. I told her that I would not fight over the kids or our possessions. I just want to be happy and I just want to make someone happy. Sorry to be so long winded. I hope this sheds alittle more light on my problem.

[ohshelly]

Gunnar, I am sorry she has a good guy who is willing to put the work in, and yet she doesn't see it.

If my Ex had that attitude, we would have made it. If Poon's Ex had that attitude, they could have made it.

My SO's Ex wasn't willing to do the work, either.

I actually sent her a Christmas card this year and THANKED her fot the best present I ever recieved:

The wonderful man she threw away.

I'm sorry, Gunnar, I really am. I don't know what is wrong with some women.

[square]

I've asked her to let me go. I told her that I would not fight over the kids or our possessions. I just want to be happy and I just want to make someone happy. . . .

What was her response when you asked her to let you go?

[sun_flower969]

Thank you to all who have posted up some great information and advice. I've been wanting to ask this for quite some time, but I know if my wife found out, she would be upset. We have very busy life. I'm sure everyone does. I've always felt that you need to take time for one another. I know that I'm last on her list. She is the worlds best mother that our kids could ever have. She works out, eats right and gets plenty of rest. The only problem is their is NEVER any time for us. At the end of the day, she is tired and has always needed 8 hours of sleep. So as you can see the last thing she wants to do is fool around with me.

I've tried and tried to talk about our lack of love making. She almost always says: "You have to catch me when I'm in the right mood". I leave her love notes, send her songs, make her laugh, but none of this seems to help our problem. I do laundry, cleaning, chores. You name it and I always help out. I'm romatic and funny, but it's like I've got coodies. I try to scratch her back and she says my hands are rough and she doesn't like me touching her. She said when the wind blows I get excited. Heck, that's a good thing. I'd rather have that problem then no movement at all down their.

We went to see a counselor one time and all she did was cry. She's tried testosterone cream, medicine and anything that may help her libido. If and when we do have sex, she acts like she can't wait for it to end. I'm totally into pleasing her and my needs are the last thing on my mind when we are making love. I've been with other women before I was married and I don't think it's my love making. I just don't think she's into me any more.

We try the date night thing. You know dinner, maybe a movie or shopping. Stop for a glass of wine, but when we get home it's always "I ate too much or maybe in the morning honey". Their is always an excuse.

I've asked her to let me go. I told her that I would not fight over the kids or our possessions. I just want to be happy and I just want to make someone happy. Sorry to be so long winded. I hope this sheds alittle more light on my problem.

So sorry for you... Maybe the prospect of losing you will make things shift. I have many many thoughts on this but mostly it sounds like she needs help! Maybe she should go to counseling by herself to work through her issues! Again, so sorry for you...

[vanilla_bean]

So sorry for you... Maybe the prospect of losing you will make things shift. I have many many thoughts on this but mostly it sounds like she needs help! Maybe she should go to counseling by herself to work through her issues! Again, so sorry for you...

I agree. It is very likely not how she feels about you, but how she feels about herself that is causing her to hold back. I know all about living the supermom thing. For some of us it's hard to reconcile being a mom and being sexual. Maybe it has something to do with the examples we were raised with.

I also didn't realise that rejecting sex was the same, in my husband's eyes, as rejecting him and it was so painful for him. I hope she can come around. You sound like a great guy, and if she can figure out how to let go and have that connection with you, her life will be much fuller. Good luck. Please keep us informed.

[KentJ]

Gunnar,

I too am in a sexless marriage, and it is not getting better. I have been married to my wife for 15 years, and new each other for 8 years prior to getting married - we dated monogomously for 4 years. We talked extensively prior to getting married about how sex is a basic need, and that should one person stray from our relationship, that it is a shared responsibility. For some reason, that has been forgotten. When I finally got her to a marriage therapist, she stated that she was not interested in me in that way, but that she would "cut my dick off" if I had sex with anyone else! What the heck???

It does not get any better. But I am a man who will not leave his children, nor his responsibilities. Finally, I take my vows seriously, "For better or worse", and so I am being held hostage by my own morals. Kind of a "sick" situation. The thing I am most worried about is that I am presenting a model for my children of parents who are not affectionate with each other, which in my mind is letting my children down.

I have decided that this year things will change...one way or another!

Njoy

P.S. My biggest problem is that I do not socialize because I frequently am hit-on by women, and at this point do not trust myself from not breaking my vows.

[ladylove]

Gunnar,

I too am in a sexless marriage, and it is not getting better. I have been married to my wife for 15 years, and new each other for 8 years prior to getting married - we dated monogomously for 4 years. We talked extensively prior to getting married about how sex is a basic need, and that should one person stray from our relationship, that it is a shared responsibility. For some reason, that has been forgotten. When I finally got her to a marriage therapist, she stated that she was not interested in me in that way, but that she would "cut my dick off" if I had sex with anyone else! What the heck???

It does not get any better. But I am a man who will not leave his children, nor his responsibilities. Finally, I take my vows seriously, "For better or worse", and so I am being held hostage by my own morals. Kind of a "sick" situation. The thing I am most worried about is that I am presenting a model for my children of parents who are not affectionate with each other, which in my mind is letting my children down.

I have decided that this year things will change...one way or another!

Njoy

P.S. My biggest problem is that I do not socialize because I frequently am hit-on by women, and at this point do not trust myself from not breaking my vows.

Wow, Only you can decide for yourself wear your happiness is. Even a reverend preaches that intimacy in marriage is a wonderful thing. The 7 day challenge; have you heard of it? If not google it.

[ManofHerdreams]

Gunnar,

I too am in a sexless marriage, and it is not getting better. I have been married to my wife for 15 years, and new each other for 8 years prior to getting married - we dated monogomously for 4 years. We talked extensively prior to getting married about how sex is a basic need, and that should one person stray from our relationship, that it is a shared responsibility. For some reason, that has been forgotten. When I finally got her to a marriage therapist, she stated that she was not interested in me in that way, but that she would "cut my dick off" if I had sex with anyone else! What the heck???

It does not get any better. But I am a man who will not leave his children, nor his responsibilities. Finally, I take my vows seriously, "For better or worse", and so I am being held hostage by my own morals. Kind of a "sick" situation. The thing I am most worried about is that I am presenting a model for my children of parents who are not affectionate with each other, which in my mind is letting my children down.

I have decided that this year things will change...one way or another!

Njoy

P.S. My biggest problem is that I do not socialize because I frequently am hit-on by women, and at this point do not trust myself from not breaking my vows.

Been there, done that.

Thankfully mine is getting better these days. I sat her down outside of the bedroom and had a long talk with her. I put it all on the line and told her everything that was bothering me and why. I told her it had to get better or after over 30 years I was ready to hang it up. If things hadn't of improved I was ready to leave.

Hopefully you can do the same.

Man

[chloegirl]

I have watched and payed attention to couple's relationships for a long time and I have seen where when BOTH parties are ok with little to no sex they can make it work....they seem more like close friends but seem happy together. But when it's one sided....where one goes sexless and the other wants it in the relationship....those couples may stay together, but they are not only unhappy and unsatisfied, as the years go by they get more and more bitter and cold towards each other. Always snapping and making nasty little digs at each other. It can get very negative and ugly, yet for some reason they feel that it's morally better to stay together despising each other than to get free and take a chance that you might find some happiness and pleasure with someone else who actually wants you in all ways. I know we were raised to respect our obligations and not just turn tail and run easily, but as I've gotten older and realize just how short life really is I personally can't see that living the rest of your life (which is supposed to be a gift) being unhappy or feeling that something important is missing is really such a noble thing to do. Unless you believe in re-incarnation, we only get one shot at life with these physical bodies and I believe we are meant to enjoy them to the fullest while we can. Physical contact and intimacy helps cement a loving relationship. I think a person should do everything in their power to try to make their partner understand, but if that partner totally blows off your feelings and just expects you to deal with it and stay while they do nothing positive about the situation, then you are justified in walking away. A marriage is equal parts give and take but it has to come from both sides or that one is not fulfilling their end of the marriage vows anyway. Good luck to you!

[vanilla_bean]

I have watched and payed attention to couple's relationships for a long time and I have seen where when BOTH parties are ok with little to no sex they can make it work....they seem more like close friends but seem happy together. But when it's one sided....where one goes sexless and the other wants it in the relationship....those couples may stay together, but they are not only unhappy and unsatisfied, as the years go by they get more and more bitter and cold towards each other. Always snapping and making nasty little digs at each other. It can get very negative and ugly, yet for some reason they feel that it's morally better to stay together despising each other than to get free and take a chance that you might find some happiness and pleasure with someone else who actually wants you in all ways. I know we were raised to respect our obligations and not just turn tail and run easily, but as I've gotten older and realize just how short life really is I personally can't see that living the rest of your life (which is supposed to be a gift) being unhappy or feeling that something important is missing is really such a noble thing to do. Unless you believe in re-incarnation, we only get one shot at life with these physical bodies and I believe we are meant to enjoy them to the fullest while we can. Physical contact and intimacy helps cement a loving relationship. I think a person should do everything in their power to try to make their partner understand, but if that partner totally blows off your feelings and just expects you to deal with it and stay while they do nothing positive about the situation, then you are justified in walking away. A marriage is equal parts give and take but it has to come from both sides or that one is not fulfilling their end of the marriage vows anyway. Good luck to you!

Thoughtful and well said as usual Chloegirl.

[vanilla_bean]

Honestly Poontang! Your "advice" is really bad... You cannot judge all women by your ex... even if you are, by the sounds of it, bitter and twisted please do not dish out such negative advice. No two relationships are the same and im sure if your ex was to comment her side of things would shed a hole lotta more light on the subject.

Anyway!... ( sorry it just annoys me that some people base every persons realationship on there own past experience )

Yup. I'm a little discouraged by some of the bashing that's been going on around here lately.

[ohshelly]

Been there, done that.

Thankfully mine is getting better these days. I sat her down outside of the bedroom and had a long talk with her. I put it all on the line and told her everything that was bothering me and why. I told her it had to get better or after over 30 years I was ready to hang it up. If things hadn't of improved I was ready to leave.

Hopefully you can do the same.

Man

I'm glad things are working out for you, MOHD.

You are another one of the good guys that most women would be happy to have.

[ohshelly]

People, Most of us have been around here long enough to know Poons situation.

He has been through an ugly divorce and has had his child emotionally abused by her mom

ever since she decided to leave them. (Yes, she left them)

There are stages we go through in a divorce, much like we do with death.

I am not excusing Poon, nor would I ever speak for him. (He does fine on his own, don't you, Poon? )

But can we give him credit for being honest about his views and feelings?

As he progresses through his divorce, I hope he comes to see it as a good thing

and the opening of a new and happier life for he and his daughter.

Yes, he sometimes generalizes, but I know for a fact that Poon is kind, and thoughtful of women,

just not every woman. Nuff said.

[Mikayla1]

I think that this is a SUPER sensitive subject, for obvious reasons. I think that in many places on this forum both men and women have displayed their 'generality' that 'all men or all women are........' and that is unfair, generally speaking. It is a hasty generalization or stereotyping, whichever you prefer, and it is grossly inaccurate and unfair.

Not ALL marriages are sexless and not all sexless marriages are because one partner or the other is a 'selfish' or 'inconsiderate' something or another. Both men and women have complained of this issue - it is not exclusively a 'woman's' or 'man's' fault.

I think that for people in that tender state of hurt (like Poon) it can seem like ALLLL women are this way (or all men). I think that pain is a powerful motivator for hatred and fear. However, if we all decide to succumb to this fear, we will never find happiness anywhere. It is unreasonable to think that we can ward off or avoid all men or women and it is unfair to group us all together.

I for one (of many) have a sex and love-filled marriage. I have had issues with men, have had issues with women, but NEVER generalize all women or all men as ....whatever bad thing.

The question here is a serious one, and deserves serious answers. I stick by my original post, and hope that in between the unnecessary muck here, that a real solution or suggestion may be found!

[pappyld04]

Wow, Only you can decide for yourself wear your happiness is. Even a reverend preaches that intimacy in marriage is a wonderful thing. The 7 day challenge; have you heard of it? If not google it.

http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=8641 - No need to Google unless you want more detail than posted! And if you do please share it!

[mystofpric]

Gunnar, I have never been in your position. But I know someone who is, and his happiness means the world to me, but I'll ask you the same question I asked him: Why and how do you do it? If you stay and forego the sex because you love her and having her in your life is worth more than just sex, then continue to fight. If your miserable and you feel that being with her is dragging you down and eatting at your happiness then you have your answer. Either way you deserve to be happy.

[kisskat]

I have read this at least three different times (different feeling each time I read it). I have been married for 10 years and there was a period of time where I was not interested in sex. It was after my last child was born. I made myself misreble and my husband miserable. We were constantly fighting, under stress, and I even considered leaving because I felt I had grown apart from him and did not want to torture him any longer. This lasted almost 2 years. I'm not saying we did not have sex it was just the point I was going through the motions and he knew it too. We finally had a sit down and we really had a long talk about it all. We both discovered we had a lot of insecurities and found out we both wanted to do new things with each other. Needless to say we got through it and we are better off now. We talk more now and we actually enjoy each other more now than we did before....LOL!!!

With all this said I think you and her nedd to have a sit down and find out what is truly wrong. There is something more there she's not telling you. You may very well need to give an ultimatium to make her talk to you. If it does not work then you need to make a choice in your own life of what you expect and need.

[ladylove]

http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=8641 - No need to Google unless you want more detail than posted! And if you do please share it!

Thanks Pappy