Pro's And Con's

[sun_flower969]

Here I am again with my infinite thoughts...

Lots of people have been/are in a relationship where the sex is kind of "so/so" but maybe you have lots of other interests. Maybe you are parents together and what not. You wish the sex was better but you stick with your SO because the other things are fulfilling and you can't imagine life w/o that person...

What about those people who are in a relationship that is sexually satisfying but yet somehow, it seems like that's all there is? Anyone out there experience this? Where you just don't seem to get along except for in the bedroom? I wonder which is worse?

A relationship where sex is few and far between, compatibility on other levels. Or a sexually compatible relationship with frequent hot sex, where you don't see eye to eye? What would you choose if you had to??

Opinions please!!!!

[Neuroticax]

I wouldn't say sex is the most important, but for me it has to be a good foundation to the relationship.

[MarieMarie]

I've just come out of a 13-year relationship. We had so much in common and are doing our best to remain friends. But....the sex was terrible and then nonexistent in the last few years, which at that point was almost kind of a relief. Prior to our relationship, we had both had fantastic sex with other partners. The two of us just never clicked on that level, though, and we both thought that we were somehow being more mature by ignoring that aspect of our relationship and focusing on the friendship part. But gradually that morphed into very hurt feelings on both sides, and some really oppressed desires. The upshot is that our divorce will be final next month.

I'm 38, and I have made a promise to myself that my next relationship will involve sex and a lot of it. Sure, all the other stuff has to be there, too. But I simply cannot be in a sexless relationship again.

[kisskat]

I think you need all of it...mental, physical and emotional gratification. I think sex is a big thing but I do not believe that should be the main thing. I think you should be fulfilled on all levels not just sex. I think if it is just about sex that will fizzle out eventually and then you will have nothing else except maybe just being friends. Some people can live that way but I could not and am glad that I have a man that has stuck with me and loves me for more than just the physical need. Now with that being said I think sex is a part of your relationship that you do need to relieve tension, to make you feel good, and to bring you closer together but you do need everything else too.

[synirr]

I think you need all of it...mental, physical and emotional gratification.

Ditto that! I've never been in a sexless relationship, but I've certainly been in one where sex was almost all there was, and it's not fulfilling in the longrun for sure.

[Mikayla1]

I was in a relationship where sex was all we had in common. It was great while it lasted...until we realized that was all it was.

With my hubby I can honestly say that we have a lot in common, can communicate and have fun, laugh, joke and have great sex. The sex has become more important and frequent over time - built on over the years. It was not the best sex I had ever had, but all the other things we had in common drew me to him. I assumed that I could make sex more of a priority and I have.

While I don't think that sex has to be all there is in a relationship, I mimick Iha's sentiments that sex is only a problem when there is not enough of it. Lack of sex does not just mean lack of sex it is honestly an indication of other issues. Sex is intimacy, and intimacy is sex. You can not have true intimacy in a marriage without sex. You may think you can, but you can't.

A marriage without sex is like flying a kite when there is no wind: the kite might be pretty and fun to hold, but it will never get off the ground.

I think there has to be a good mixture for things to work and be successful over time.

[vanilla_bean]

I've never been in a long term relationship where the best thing going for it was the sex. For me, if there are problems outside the bedroom, they find their way into the bedroom. Maybe not the best way to deal with things, but that's the truth for me.

[chloegirl]

It's definitely a VERY important aspect of the relationship. Many couples can get along ok and stay together for the long haul because of duty, habit, feelings of responsibility but in every single case I've seen (and I've seen and talked to a huge number of them in the last few years) one or both of the partners ends up spending an enormous amount of time dwelling on the lack in the relationship and even though that doesn't mean they actually go out looking for something or someone to fill that gap, it creates a hole that could be penetrated easier by outside parties than if you were completely satisfied or fulfilled. And sure toys and solo might be one way to relieve that pressure but it's just not the answer and ultimately being forced to rely on that artificiality is damaging as well. Being good friends and getting along is important but a mate is supposed to be more than that....anytime anyone has to tamp down their sexuality to adjust to a lack in the relationship it is damaging in more ways than one! We only live once....we should NOT have to live with less in that aspect of our lives.

[sun_flower969]

So it seems to me that neither will work! No one has said which they would choose, but these are REAL circumstances! It's tricky! I think the side of it where the sex is all there is can be a situation where the sex is used to cover up all the other problems. Eventually leading to deterioration of the relationship. The other is just frustrating altogether, that need is not being met and could also lead to the same demise!

Communication is KEY!!! IMO

Thanks so much for the responses so far!

[mystofpric]

Being on a dry spell has taught me one think: I need sex. Need it. I'm a happier and healthier person when I'm fullfilled. Now that being said I have had relationships where all it was was sex and hated it. So I wouldn't want either a sexless or only sex relationship. Sorry, but this girl has standards.

[mailahn97]

I have been on the side of a sexless marriage. The few times that we would finally have it...normally lucky if it was once every three months. It was a total of 15 minutes if I was lucky that was from the very beginning of foreplay to climax. His idea was turn out the lights get underessed and then get in bed. No build up really of any kind.

Finally I had my eyes opened almost 13 months ago. Now I am involved with someone that I have the emotional and physical connection with. I know enjoy just taking time no rush and loving the build up to it all. I have realized it is much better for the relationship to have both.

[sass]

I think we would all want both, sex and all the other good stuff in a relationship. I think Sun is asking IF you had to have one: sex but no "other stuff" OR "other stuff" but no sex, which would you chose.

I have to go with Suzy on this one. There was a time when I didn't think I needed sex but that time is in the past. If I don't have some sort of sexual release on a fairly regular basis now, my whole mood gets off. My mental well being is definately tied to my physical happiness. When not in a relationship I know how to deal with this on my onw, but when I am in a relationship I have to have that need met by that other person.

[ohshelly]

I agree with so many things that everyone has said.

I find for me, sex is VERY important. I NEED SEX. There, I said it.

If the sex goes, the relationship will eventually go, too.

If I am willing to meet his needs, and he isn't doing his part, it itsn't going to work for me.

I spent to long in a relationship like that, and It won't happen again.

[ladylove]

I not reading any responses yet....

I think each has it's own personal hell. True love is a blending of friendship and sexuality. Without the combination I think each person may end up resenting the other no matter how good they are. I don't think I would pick either. I would choose to be alone before compromising.

[kisskat]

I not reading any responses yet....

I think each has it's own personal hell. True love is a blending of friendship and sexuality. Without the combination I think each person may end up resenting the other no matter how good they are. I don't think I would pick either. I would choose to be alone before compromising.

I agree 100% with you. There has to be a combination of both.

[DADT]

While I don't think that sex has to be all there is in a relationship, I mimick Iha's sentiments that sex is only a problem when there is not enough of it. Lack of sex does not just mean lack of sex it is honestly an indication of other issues. Sex is intimacy, and intimacy is sex. You can not have true intimacy in a marriage without sex. You may think you can, but you can't.

My personal Nobel Prize for Sex Advice goes to Mikayla. And to hear this truth uttered by a very smart woman is so important & reinforcing.

If a couple can't achieve regular, frequent, mutually satisfying physical intimacy then what is the point?

If you are not getting enough sex, you do not have enough opportunities to connect with someone who is supposed to be your soulmate. And you feel as if you are not important to them. You might as well be roommates or friends who talk platonically on the phone twice a week.

If you are withholding sex, you are being cruel to someone you are pretending to love. A fundamental need is going unmet. If you don't want to meet those needs, then that person really isn't your first priority. You really don't love them in the marital sense.

There is no choice here. A real, mature, satisfying emotional relationship can only work if you are in sync sexually. The two go hand in hand. If you both have low libido then great. Sex once a month with the lights off meets both your needs. But if your sex drives are out of sync you will find yourselves having this issue spill over into other areas of you relationship.

[hrnychick]

I agree with DADT.....you have to be on the same level in order for it to not take a toll on the relationship in other ways. There were many good points made by posts here on this topic. I have to say I would rather be alone then be in a sexless marriage or a marriage where the sex is great and we have nothing else but that....to me thats just a booty call. I would feel as if I was being used...like thats all I am good for is the sex. Yes looks are a part of being sexy but lets face it....when you really get to know someone arent you more attracted to them if they stimulate you in other ways then just in the bedroom. If you can laugh and joke and really have a good conversation its all key to having a good relationship including the sex. It all goes together and you really cant have one without the other.....no matter how much you try to believe you can.

I know people who have cheated and when we talked about it ...it wasnt because of the lack of sex....they had a good relationship in the bedroom...it was outside the bedroom...they just had nothing in common....and when they met someone they could have fun with etc...they were so attracted to that person that it lead to them cheating. Not that any reason is a good reason to cheat but it just shows that not all people cheat just because there is a lack of sex...it could be for lack of many other things too.

[Tyger]

I think that sex is very important to a relationship, in MOST cases....however, what about those people that are physically disabled, either all their lives, or from an accident? Does this mean that, if they can't perform sexually, that their marriage will fail? I don't believe so. Look at how well (apparently) Christopher Reeve's spouse handled his tragic accident. She stayed by Superman's side! True, they had been able to have sex before, and that probably helped, but I don't think it would kill a marriage.

There are many levels of intimacy. Whether you can't have sex physically or you can, if you strive to be close to your spouse/SO, I think that speaks volumes, and may make a marriage emotionally stronger, if that makes sense. Plus, you can also encorporate the use of sex toys, and other tools to help boost the intimacy and have that physical release as well.

[DADT]

I think that sex is very important to a relationship, in MOST cases....however, what about those people that are physically disabled, either all their lives, or from an accident? Does this mean that, if they can't perform sexually, that their marriage will fail? I don't believe so. Look at how well (apparently) Christopher Reeve's spouse handled his tragic accident. She stayed by Superman's side! True, they had been able to have sex before, and that probably helped, but I don't think it would kill a marriage.

There are many levels of intimacy. Whether you can't have sex physically or you can, if you strive to be close to your spouse/SO, I think that speaks volumes, and may make a marriage emotionally stronger, if that makes sense. Plus, you can also encorporate the use of sex toys, and other tools to help boost the intimacy and have that physical release as well.

Maybe for a few years. But can you suppress your sexual needs for years on end. Toys & porn can only carry you so far, even for the most loyal person.

Anyway, for couples where disability is not a problem being out of sexual sync will make it hard to be in emotional sync.

[Expanding Horizons]

Sex is like air: it's only important when there is not enough of it.

and then sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as "enough". I haven't found that point yet - and hope I never will! If it's good, I want more. If it's bad, we need more practice!

Seriously though, My husband and I went about nine months w/out having ANY sex. He wouldn't even come within two feet of me. (He doesn't believe it was that long, but I have a "monthly timer" so I know!) This was not my choice by any means. We ended up talking divorce in November. Sex was a major topic, of course, and he said "It hadn't even crossed (his) mind because we weren't getting along". Well, here was my response - take it for what you will... sex is a basic for me. You could even say foundational basic. When I don't get any, I feel rejected and I build walls. As I continue to get rejected (multiplied by the number of times I tried to start something and was refused), those walls get higher and stronger and with those walls comes more and more distance between us which then creates the environment of us "not getting along" - aka me being a bitch and then him being a jerk back at me. After mulling this over for about a month, he started to understand. We started having sex again and HELLO! those walls came crashing down. I got some, I quit being such a bitch, and he quit being such a jerk. Divorce is no longer even a passing thought and we are on our way to a relationship that is going to be better than ever - I hope!

[DADT]

and then sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as "enough". I haven't found that point yet - and hope I never will! If it's good, I want more. If it's bad, we need more practice!

Seriously though, My husband and I went about nine months w/out having ANY sex. He wouldn't even come within two feet of me. (He doesn't believe it was that long, but I have a "monthly timer" so I know!) This was not my choice by any means. We ended up talking divorce in November. Sex was a major topic, of course, and he said "It hadn't even crossed (his) mind because we weren't getting along". Well, here was my response - take it for what you will... sex is a basic for me. You could even say foundational basic. When I don't get any, I feel rejected and I build walls. As I continue to get rejected (multiplied by the number of times I tried to start something and was refused), those walls get higher and stronger and with those walls comes more and more distance between us which then creates the environment of us "not getting along" - aka me being a bitch and then him being a jerk back at me. After mulling this over for about a month, he started to understand. We started having sex again and HELLO! those walls came crashing down. I got some, I quit being such a bitch, and he quit being such a jerk. Divorce is no longer even a passing thought and we are on our way to a relationship that is going to be better than ever - I hope!

Beautifully Said.

[sass]

and then sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as "enough". I haven't found that point yet - and hope I never will! If it's good, I want more. If it's bad, we need more practice!

Seriously though, My husband and I went about nine months w/out having ANY sex. He wouldn't even come within two feet of me. (He doesn't believe it was that long, but I have a "monthly timer" so I know!) This was not my choice by any means. We ended up talking divorce in November. Sex was a major topic, of course, and he said "It hadn't even crossed (his) mind because we weren't getting along". Well, here was my response - take it for what you will... sex is a basic for me. You could even say foundational basic. When I don't get any, I feel rejected and I build walls. As I continue to get rejected (multiplied by the number of times I tried to start something and was refused), those walls get higher and stronger and with those walls comes more and more distance between us which then creates the environment of us "not getting along" - aka me being a bitch and then him being a jerk back at me. After mulling this over for about a month, he started to understand. We started having sex again and HELLO! those walls came crashing down. I got some, I quit being such a bitch, and he quit being such a jerk. Divorce is no longer even a passing thought and we are on our way to a relationship that is going to be better than ever - I hope!

This so great to hear! It gives me a lot of hope for some friends that are in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing.

[Mikayla1]

I think for some couples, sex is very important, but there are issues. Some of my friends have not had sex with their SO in months, and one even 3 years! Why? Well, in one instance, the guy has ED. Diagnosed and medicated - performance anxiety and ED. Because he is so nervous that his penis won't perform, he gets all worked up and they find themselves having great foreplay, but no...culmination of efforts. Even with the medicine he still has issues. She always feels like it is her fault, and he always says it isn't. So, they end up NOT having sex, cause neither wants to feel bad.

In another instance, the woman is simply asexual. She has NO desire to give it up, he stopped asking or trying years ago, and both are seemingly unhappy. He wants sex, she doesn't. Neither will get help or try to make it better. Therefore, day after day after day -nothing. No connection. Their marriage is on a downward spiral.

I think anyone who says that sex is not important in a relationship is lying through their teeth! Why do people get married? Do they get married for friendship? Do they get married cause they like the way the other does laundry? NO. They get married because they love and are ATTRACTED to each other. Sure, there are some exceptions to the rule, but most people when being honest will admit that when they were dating, they wanted sex. Many couples fuck like crazy when dating, then it goes downhill when they stop. Many couples admit that children or life just sucks the sexual identity right from them. Does it stop being important then? Do both people like not having sex?

OF COURSE NOT! In a successful marriage you need to have intimacy - in and out of the bedroom. This means communication, respect AND sex. How can you have a truly intimate relationship with someone without sex? You can't.

Some would argue that couples who stay together through tragic accidents, where the one person can no longer have sex, are the proof that sexless marriages work. Well, I suppose if it HAD to be taht way, you would be forced to find other ways to be intimate. However, when both partners are fully capable of sexual contact, what is the excuse then? Why is it OK to not feed that part of a marriage?

Sex is like food. You need it to survive. The food may be good, it may be bad, and you may not like what you are eating, but it is a necessary part of life. Now, does this mean that I equate sex to liver and onions, something that people don't like but eat anyway? No. Does this mean that if you are not attracted to your partner, you should 'eat them anyway?' Well, maybe.

True love, true committment is not based 100% on looks - but it is based at least partially on attraction. If you ask most men why they are not attracted to their wives anymore, most will NOT say weight or aging - they will say ATTITUDE! The attitude changes from one of love and adoration, to one of exhaustion and frustration. When a man thinks that his wife is no longer interested in him, as a man, then they become less interested in her. Then, the woman thinks the man is no longer interested in 'he sexual bone' that is thrown his way once every couple of months, and they get bitchy. This analogy can be reversed of course. My point: if you are sexually unsatisfied look toward yourself more than toward your partner. What have YOU changed? If you can honestly say that you are happy with yourself, and you have been giving more than asking, then look toward your partner. Too many women and men say, 'it isn't me, I am exactly the same!'

so, for my little rant, the point is, sex is important. It just is. To anyone who thinks otherwise, examine why you think it isn't. Try to find out why it is not necessary for your happiness. I guarantee, it is probably necessary for your partner's happiness!

[Sunday]

But if your sex drives are out of sync you will find yourselves having this issue spill over into other areas of you relationship.

That is SO true! I think 90% of the other problems in my relationship would go away if I was getting loving, enthusiastic sex once a week.

If I HAD to chose I would chose a relationship that was just sex. It's easier to find a friend to talk to than to find a good sex partner. But I hope I never have to choose.

[ladylove]

That is SO true! I think 90% of the other problems in my relationship would go away if I was getting loving, enthusiastic sex once a week.

If I HAD to chose I would chose a relationship that was just sex. It's easier to find a friend to talk to than to find a good sex partner. But I hope I never have to choose.

Have you ever thought relationships are cyclical. Perhaps this is the bottom and things will be on the way up now?

(forever the optimist)