I'm The Other Woman

[WhiskerFrisker]

I have been seeing someone that, like me, is in a bad marriage. Neither of us have slept in the same room with our spouses for years. I've been married for 15 years and he has been married for 8. On our first date he told me of his plan to get divorced, and that he was going to start the process as soon as he was done with a lawsuit he has been working on in his Uncle's behalf. I had no plans to divorce at the time.

Well the sex is incredible and we fell in love and about 3 months after meeting him, I asked my spouse for a divorce. We are aimicably in the process of doing so. My "friend" has been very supportive of me during this, however he says he's sticking to his plan to approach his wife for a divorce after the court stuff is completed, and that includes hiding his relstionship with me from her till then too. He lives 450 miles to the North of me, and the court case is in my area, so he goes back and forth. Then when his wife was away a few weeks ago, he flew me up to see him, and she found out about me right after that. So instead of facing the truth and telling her he wants a divorce, he is trying to cover the whole thing up, and he still wants to stick to his plan, and the court stuff won't be over for months, possibly next year even.

What I want to know from people that read this is their opinion on whether or not they think he will ever leave his wife, or is he just stalling me and he really plans to stay with her?

[Mikayla1]

I am constantly reminded of "When Harry Met Sally," that scene where Sally (Meg Ryan) and her friend, Carrie Fisher, are walking down the street. Carrie Fisher had been having an affair with a married man.

Carrie Fisher is talking about how her lover just bought his WIFE a new lingerie set and a new dining room set...and she says, as if having an ephiphany:

"you're right, he is never going to leave her, you're right, you're right....." talking more to herself than to Meg.

I think the Golden Rule of relationships is NOT to get into them with married people. I am not conemning you for what you have done - we all have reasons and circumstances separate from everyone elses - however, I think that when you get into a relationship with someone who is married, there are no guarantees for you. You are kind of "taking a shot in the dark" that you will always be "just a mistress" and never the "new wife."

I think that if you felt like it was necessary to end your marriage than I hope you did it for YOU and not for HIM, because the reality in your situation is, he may never leave her. Then again, he may. It is a crap shoot. IF you truly had a bad marriage, then getting out was a good thing for you to do.

Now, as for him, he is probably thinking "financials" and the "cost of adultery" - so I suppose you really can't think of him not owning up to you as a slap in the face. He is not divorced, so he is trying to hide what he has done, which is wrong in the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of many morally, and surely in the eyes of his wife. So I am not surprised that he tried to hide it.

However, your reaction to that hiding is what surprised me. If you felt like you wanted it to be announced and put out in the open, do you think that maybe you want and DESERVE a man who will do that for you? Now that you are free to do what you want in your personal life, why don't you look for a man who is 100% available to commit to you? Have the happy ending, like Carrie Fisher in the movie? I think every woman deserves that! The reality, he may never leave her....

Just my 2 1/2 cents....

Mikayla

[whiskeywoman]

Oh lord.

I recetnly went through something very similar.

It wasnt till about aweek ago I found out my ex BF is still married, he told me they were divorced.

The only reason I can see for him to want to wait for the legal stuff to be over, is if he doesnt have the money for a divorce, but you stated he bought her a new dining room setr and some fancy frilly things.

If it were me, I would break it off till after the divorce, NOT the seperation, the Divorce.

And get proof of his divorce, that way you know he isnt just yanking your chain.

I know its not what you wanted to hear, but if he is divorced and sleeping with you, his wife can ask for divorce on the grounds of adultery, and it makes things really messy.

If he truely intends to divorce her, he should have NO PROBLEMS about holding off, and your reunion will be all the more sweeter.

Best of luck to you

Whiskey

[Tyger]

I agree with WhiskeyWoman here, break it off until the DIVORCE is finalized, and you see the notarized copy of it. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will respect that, understand it, and honor it.

Married people need not get involved with other people until they are seperated (legally) at least. Where this guy has done all these things, DIVORCE is the good time mark there.

Howard made good points too about alimony and morality issues as well. Plus, that guy would be better off if his legal issues were resolved after the divorce, though, if there is money involved, either way, she will be entitled to at least half of it, if it's not involving a will of some sort.

Speaking from my experience, when going thru my divorce with my ex, I didn't start sleeping with anyone until we were legally seperated. Mind you, there were no kids, and no real property to speak of, so nobody else was involved, and I was seeing a long-time friend ( who turned out to be a Friend with Freaky Benifits) and knew the whole situation. My ex was sleeping with people the entire time of our marriage, so he didn't care either way. For me, it was the respect for my promise that I made, that held me back from doing anything, dishonoring myself for what I would do, not my ex.

That said, I hope that you are able to find the right thing to do to make you happy and able to face yourself in the mirror.

One thing to leave you with: would you fully trust this man if you 2 were to be a couple? Would you wonder whether or not he would cheat on you the way he was with his wife?

Just a little food for thought there.

[hrnychick]

Its sad that you were in a unhappy marriage but at least youre now getting out and will be free to find happiness. It sounds to me that you and this man just met at a bad time in both your lives and if its really ment to be then you can stop seeing each other for now and IF he gets divorced and like others said shows you proof then maybe you can start the realtionship off right and try again.

I have this male friend who was with this married women and she kept saying how her marriage was over and how much she hated her hubby and how much better my friend made her feel and how she loved all the attnention and affection he showered her with and she kept saying she was going to leave her hubby as soon as he got a sum of money he was waiting for from a disability....well come to find out that she has told that story to a few other guys she was with before my friend.....she even said at one point that she was kicking him out of the house by the end of the month.......but when it came right down to it he never left and they are together "working" things out according to her.....and my friend was just taken for a emotional ride.

That just goes to show you unless all is said and done dont count on that person leaving who they are with.....cause it may not happen.....Like the other post said hope you left your unhappy marriage for YOU and not because of HIM and what you thought you to would have together.....sounds like its time for you to find happiness for yourself and enjoy your life,,,,,,and find that guy that isnt in a realationship and can focus on you 100% like you deserve.

[puck4007]

It sounds like he is more concerned with the money he may get from the lawsuit than he is in committing to a relationship to you. Also, if this is how he treats the woman to whom he is currently committed, how will he treat you? If they do it with you, they'll do it to you...

[nosleepnmesa]

Wow Well of course I dont know him etc.. But my only thought on this whole situtation is that this is a good exsample why not to get involved with a married man. I also dont understand if he says he is getting a divorce why he hasnt filed already why wait if he loves you and wants to be with you then why wait for this other court hearing, if it involves any type of money situtaion that to me is still no excuse. Just a quick thought on my end also I think that if he doesnt do it soon I would move on, myself I have never been involved in anything like this.

I also agree that with the other post on this issue he seems more involved with what is going on to stop and think about your feelings and what you want or need.

Good luck !

[kristine]

I also dated a married man that was "almost" divorced. He kept me a secret and strung me along for a long time. I supported him and we kept everything quiet and we continued to have sex and get emotionally involved with each other. Eventually he did get divorced and immediately dumped me because he said "I have never been single and I need to enjoy this time to date other people and I am afraid that I will resent you for my divorce!" I was devastated. It is hard, but you deserve someone who will want to be with you 100% of the time.

Kristine

[tyciol]

Stop dating him until you speak to his wife and know she consents to this relationship, or he divorces her. It's not right to do that in relationships.

[allit]

I was in the same type of relationship with my wife. I did not have sexual relationships with anyone else until the marriage was over and I had moved out. My feeling was no matter how bad the marriage had become, that I still owed it to her to treat her with dignity and respect. I also think it sends a message out to your next that you are willing to try to make something works when things go wrong.

[chickenmom]

I was in the same type of relationship with my wife. I did not have sexual relationships with anyone else until the marriage was over and I had moved out. My feeling was no matter how bad the marriage had become, that I still owed it to her to treat her with dignity and respect. I also think it sends a message out to your next that you are willing to try to make something works when things go wrong.

A man with honor. They are hard to find. Good for you. I hope the next relationship works for you.

I have never known a relationship that was based on infidelity to work. What will keep them from doing again? Nothing. It also hurts the other party and their children in such a way that it's hard overcome.

[allit]

A man with honor. They are hard to find. Good for you. I hope the next relationship works for you.

I have never known a relationship that was based on infidelity to work. What will keep them from doing again? Nothing. It also hurts the other party and their children in such a way that it's hard overcome.

I am with a wonderful woman. I do everything I can do to please her and the same from her. After living in a void, it makes you feel so good.