Is It Cheating?

[Mikayla1]

Hey all,

I have this interesting question - and I would like some input. I have this friend, I have known her a long, long time. Anyway, she recently asked me a lot of questions about my lesbian experiences. Then she asked if I would have one with her. The idea intigues me, as I did enjoy my experiences with women TREMENDOUSLY before I was married.

I have gone back and forth on this issue - and after much thought have decided that whether you are having sex with a woman or a man - if your SO doesn't know, it is cheating.

I was wondering, does the fact that it is a woman, and not a man, lessen the effect at all? What do the men think? If they found out their SO was with a woman once or twice on the side, what would they think? Is the cheating still as offensive if it is with a member of the same sex?

I am interested in all opinions!

Thanks for indulging lil' ole me!

Mikayla

[me4now]

Well! this is my opinion , i would think that it is cheating especially if your husband doesnt know and if hes does know BUT,hes not into sharing (friends with benfits) and you have sex anyway thats cheating.

plus when you were single is when you had your lesbian encounter with another woman and i would think your good friend would consider things(you) might have change? and that "THAT WAS THEN AND THIS NOW"

im not trying to cruel im just on the outside looking in and plus i have never had a lesbian encounter but have had many many offers since i have been married and thats not for me or us.

so hopefully this helps:)

[nosleepnmesa]

Well.......I have been in a Lesbian scene a few times, but not since I have been married. I think it would be cheating, whether your SO knows or not. I mean whether male or female I believe that if you are with someone and then have a sexual relationship with someone else regardless of their gender it is cheating.

As far what the husband would think, I know mine would be jealous since he didn't get to join in or watch, a little upset that I didn't tell him and he had to find out the hard way. I believe that my hubby would ask for me to do it one more time so he could watch. Since we all know that the majority of men out there have this HUGE fantasy about two women.

As far as it been as offensive, I asked my hubby on this issue and he plainly stated," it wouldn't be as bad since it was a women." He also stated" that if it was a man I cheated with he would be extremely upset and would be serious grounds for divorce." I had to know why he felt that way and he said," that even though it is cheating on him, he would be able to accept me cheating with a women alot better, at least then he knew that he was full filling his job and knew that it was nothing he was doing wrong in bed etc.......

So I do think that men in general would accept a women cheating with another women, since women don't have penis's unless they are toys. Just our outlook on the situtation.

Hope this helps some!

[allit]

If I did it, it would be cheating.

[curvacious_lust]

Wow...I'm shocked to see you asking this one Mikayla I'm in the majority here....I'd call it cheating. Also, some men would find it MORE offensive to know that their wife cheated with another woman. I know because Hubby's ex-manager divorced his wife for the same thing...her affairs with another woman. He said it wouldn't have "been so bad" if it had been another man.

[chickenmom]

I can't even see why this is a question. If you have relations with ANYONE other than your spouse, SO, whatever, it is cheating, even whether or not it is known to all parties.

[ambrelyn]

Yeah, I'm with cl on this one. I almost think it would be worse if it was same sex. If my fiancee told me he had had sex with another man, it would upset me more, thinking that I'd failed as a woman or something. I don't know, you're hubby might not feel that way. But from everything that you've posted, it seems like you have such a great relationship, if I were you, I'd hate to do anything to screw that up. You might talk to him and ask what he thought, or if it would be something he might like to participate in, but even then, as you've posted many times, it rarely works out the way you want it to. My fiancee and I have talked about something similar, with me being slightly curious about a three way, but in the end we decided we wouldn't be able to stand it. He asked me if I would ever consider it with another woman, and I said no, he said how would you know, and I asked him how he'd like it if we had one with another guy. He said no; he doesn't want anyone else touching me. I said, see? So, I don't know, I just don't see what good could come from it.

I would suggest that maybe you find someone for your friend that you know or that you know can be trusted. That's as far as I would go. Even if you talk to your hubby and he thinks he'd be ok with it, it might come back to haunt you later. And to do it secretly is just a really bad idea. If he ever does find out, you look twice as guilty because you tried to hide it.

[hrnychick]

I too was surprise to see that you Mikayla posted this.......maybe its cause I have read your views on cheating concerning phone sex cyber sex etc.....also I guess Im so damn use to your reviews and offering advice that its a nice surprise to have you start a topic.

Well here is what I think and It may repeat other posts. I think even if it is same sex its cheating. Its the fact that its sex with other then your SO. Its interesting that your friend

offered up the idea....since you said she has been your friend for a long time she knows you had a past with girls and im sure knows that you are married and not been with others (girls) since. I guess you have to really ask yourself is it worth maybe risking your marriage over? If you do it and hide it you will have to live with that guilt of straying. I have to ask you this.... How did he take the idea of you being with other girls when you were single? .

How would you feel if he was bi and went to same sex for sex? Would you be mad and consider it cheating? I know I would I would think what am I not giving that my SO had to find elsewhere......same sex or not. Now I know you wrote in past topics that the idea of a 3sum while married is out of the question for you......but if you both agree to involve your friend then that is the only way I wouldnt consider it as cheating. Now if your hubby only watches or joins in is ofcourse up to you...but if you want to have sex with your friend for your pleasure ( the pleasure of being with a woman) or to be her "first" to show her and teach her so she feels confident to go with others then I say talk to your hubby.......maybe bring up the subject as just a "what if" and see how it goes from there

I think if you really want to go forward with this offer and not hide it from hubby but include him I can see you convincing him that its for your friends pleasure and curiousity......I mean you taught and shows others the art of a good BJ what other women could pull that off............lol

What ever you do Keep us all posted as Im sure Im not the only one interested in what the end result will be.

Hrnychick

[VALERIE]

Hey all,

I have this interesting question - and I would like some input. I have this friend, I have known her a long, long time. Anyway, she recently asked me a lot of questions about my lesbian experiences. Then she asked if I would have one with her. The idea intigues me, as I did enjoy my experiences with women TREMENDOUSLY before I was married.

I have gone back and forth on this issue - and after much thought have decided that whether you are having sex with a woman or a man - if your SO doesn't know, it is cheating.

I was wondering, does the fact that it is a woman, and not a man, lessen the effect at all? What do the men think? If they found out their SO was with a woman once or twice on the side, what would they think? Is the cheating still as offensive if it is with a member of the same sex?

I am interested in all opinions!

Thanks for indulging lil' ole me!

Mikayla

I BELIEVE THAT IT IS CHEATING. WHEN EVER YOU DO SOMETHING INTIMATE WITH ANYONE, BUT YOUR HUSBAND. MOST OF THE TIME YOUR MORAL INSTINCS WILL TELL YOU WHAT IS RIGHT. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DISCUSS THE SITUATION WITH YOUR HUSBAND. IF HE KNOWS ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL EXPERIENCE, YOU 2 MAY BE ABLE TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT. PLEASE DON'T SNEAK THOUGH. IF HE EVER FOUND OUT, IT MAY BE SOMETHING NOT ABLE TO BE FIXED. & LOVE AFTER ALL DOES COME B-4 SEX. RIGHT. GOOD LUCK

[DaniLovell]

well, hmmm. i would have to agree with the rest. it would be classified as cheating. any sexual relations outside of marraige qualify as the same. at the same time, what does your hubby think? you are intrigued but how does he feel about it? would he be able to watch, either in person or a vid of the experience? you have said yourself that a 3some is not an option for you since you've been married. i wish the best.

[trickychick]

Mikayla, GREAT question!!

My man once said it would not be so bad for him if I ran off with another woman, because it wasnt another man...very cryptic.

Well my answer is from a sort of anthropological viewpoint here….(this explanation is given completely ignoring any social, cultural or religious boundaries and contraception)

I think men ‘compete’ amongst themselves for women. They compete to mate with them, sow their oats and spread their genes through the resulting children, thus ensuring genetic immortality. This is basically what makes men capable of sleeping with a long string of women, this biological urge, or force even. Even sperm in the womb, if they were there first, are capable of fighting off a second mans sperm in the race to get to the egg and make a baby... (Ever seen film of this? Weird!)

Passing on his genetic information to his offspring is what drives a male. They are naturally competitive with other men when it comes to getting women.

It is therefore biological nonsense for a man to compete for women with other women because they cant impregnate each other, and I think that’s why two women shagging is so titillating for men, in a sort of ‘how sweet, two women not threatening our masculinity’ kind of way, as they cant possibly make babies (not YET anyway…) Whereas another man IS a threat and could potentially 'steal' their chance at genetic immortality, by sleeping with the woman and making her pregnant with HIS child.

I don’t think in general many men would be too upset about a GF or wife having a very quick fling with another woman (probably be more upset that they had missed the occasion!), and much more upset about her going to another man... but then you get into the realms of love and marriage, culture and social rules…

If a woman fell in love with another woman, and had for example, a long, secret affair whilst married to a man, this could/would be more upsetting to the man. It might make him feel less of a man, or inadequate in some way. And I think that’s definitely cheating, because its emotional and goes against the whole point of marriage or exclusive union.

I also think its a whole different story if a bloke left his woman for another bloke.

Of course there’s no SINGLE RIGHT answer to your question, (seems to be up to you and hubby)but that’s my thoughts!!

[Mikayla1]

I have gone back and forth on this issue - and after much thought have decided that whether you are having sex with a woman or a man - if your SO doesn't know, it is cheating.

If you will all recall from my original post, I had already decided in my own mind that cheating is cheating is cheating. I was surprised, frankly, to even be thinking that it wouldn't be cheating, because as others have pointed out, I do have some pretty clear-cut views on what cheating is.

My hubby and I have a very open relationship, and I told him about this offer. He chuckled and said, "want to go muff diving for old time's sake huh?" Then he pretty much asked if I was really considering it, etc. He was not upset, he was not angry, he did not ask me to do it so he could "watch" or participate. He and I talked about it, and he is assured that I would NOT cheat on him - either with a man or a woman. We do have a great marriage (for those of you who are wondering) and we DO communicate about our thoughts. This is what makes our marriage work.

I asked the question only to see if men would find it less offensive if it was with a woman, or if the women thought the same way. I was caught a bit off-guard by myself even THINKING that it wouldn't be cheating - and then got curious as to the opinion of my "friends" her on TooTimid, who have very varied opinions on things.

As I am surprised to find, almost all of you agree it is cheating - which I find surprising. I also found Howard's rather short post amusing - I thought he would have had a lot more to say!

So thanks for indulging me in a little experiment of opinion - sometimes I just get curious about how people think. If I had any doubts before I had posted the question, I most certainly would not have had any after!

Mikayla

[promiscuouseuphoria]

Well, the experiment seems to have ended, but I think I'll be annoying and add my two cents anyway. Largely, because I think I'm about to become the odd man out, as it were.

To me, cheating implies betrayal. Now, if both parties are aware of the situation, and consenting, and clear on boundaries, etc, then it's not a betrayal. Therefore, not cheating. I know, I'm insane, bear with me.

My boy is of the opinion that my having relations with another woman would not be a big deal. The other woman would never fill the role that he does in my life, either physically or emotionally. Have I indulged in this luxury? No. In all likelihood, I probably won't. The possibility exists, though.

[whiskeywoman]

Euphoria,

You took the words right out of my mouth LOL

I have to agree, if both parties are in agreement with the female having an encounter with another woman, it is considered a 3 some.

Personally,

Cheating is cheating, and it is still gonna hurt like hell when your other half finds out about it, dosn't matter if the other person is male or female.

I have heard the sob stories about men finding out their wives left them for another woman.

If ya ask me, I think their just pissed cause their wives didn't invite them so they could fulfill that lifelong fantasy of about 98 pct of the men on the face of the earth.

It still hurts like a bastard when you found out your other half cheated on you.

[Valntyn]

Well, the experiment seems to have ended, but I think I'll be annoying and add my two cents anyway. Largely, because I think I'm about to become the odd man out, as it were.

To me, cheating implies betrayal. Now, if both parties are aware of the situation, and consenting, and clear on boundaries, etc, then it's not a betrayal. Therefore, not cheating. I know, I'm insane, bear with me.

My boy is of the opinion that my having relations with another woman would not be a big deal. The other woman would never fill the role that he does in my life, either physically or emotionally. Have I indulged in this luxury? No. In all likelihood, I probably won't. The possibility exists, though.

Well, reading through this thread, I thought for sure I'd be the only one stoned for my opposing opinion. Glad to know I have an 'odd man out' partner, as it were. *chuckle*

I, too, totally agree that cheating implies betrayal. If both parties were consenting and EVERYthing was talked about beforehand, it's not a betrayal -- there's... 'permission' (for lack of a better word) given.

Just like hopefully most of us here, my husband and I have very good, open communication. We've talked about going out of the marriage before. We've even mutually (and safely!!) tried it once. Everything was talked about beforehand; everything was talked about after. We still talk about it. We're still very in love, still very respectful of and respected by one another. There was no betrayal, because it was with consent.

Gender isn't an issue. We're not interested in threesomes, so if we ever did it again, it'd never be a case of 'me with another woman so he could watch.' And if he were ever interested in seeing what it'd be like to be with a man, after talking about it for a while and trying things between us in the bedroom first, if he were still interested, I'd be fine with it.

So anyway, there's my opinion. I'm not arguing with anyone or demeaning anyone else's opinions; hopefully that's reciprocated. And if that's not the case, hopefully no one will hit too hard when they start pelting us with rocks, Euphoria.

[12GAUGE]

Hey all,

I have this interesting question - and I would like some input. I have this friend, I have known her a long, long time. Anyway, she recently asked me a lot of questions about my lesbian experiences. Then she asked if I would have one with her. The idea intigues me, as I did enjoy my experiences with women TREMENDOUSLY before I was married.

I have gone back and forth on this issue - and after much thought have decided that whether you are having sex with a woman or a man - if your SO doesn't know, it is cheating.

I was wondering, does the fact that it is a woman, and not a man, lessen the effect at all? What do the men think? If they found out their SO was with a woman once or twice on the side, what would they think? Is the cheating still as offensive if it is with a member of the same sex?

I am interested in all opinions!

Thanks for indulging lil' ole me!

Mikayla

If she has to ask if it's cheating I would say she already knew the answer. If she would not be ok with her SO knowing or finding out somehow...she knows the answer already. It would be cheating in my book. 12G