How Long To Wait

[Sweetpup]

Hi all Haven't posted in a while but have checking these boards everyday. Need some more advice here. Check my last post from 2006 for backround. It has been over a year now and not much has changed. We have gone to counseling but that has not done any good. I have tried to schedule date nights but they always fall through for some reason. I tried to do a Sunday morning breakfast while the kids are still sleeping but she tell me it's my day to sleep in. I have tried to have romantic evenings but they never pan out. I have given her compliments almost every day. I bring her flowers, I still do some cooking and cleaning. We do have some good days where I can tell she is trying but it never continues. We will have a good week but when the weekend comes something stupid happens. I have giving her books to read but she doesn't read them. This has been a rollercoaster all year. We have only had sex twice this year and I know she uses her BOB at least once a week. I only get a kiss when I get home from work and berfore going to bed. There are no hugs only once in a while when she feels like it. She thinks she does it more then she does. I have become an emotional wreck this past year and am not a happy person. Even my youngest (12) keeps asking if I am OK. My oldest (16) is her best friend. Right now I am to the point that I don't even know how to touch her or even hug her. I want to keep working on the marriage but am afraid that I will be wondering if it is true or will be looking over my shoulder. Then I think of just calling it quits and making myself happy and getting on with my life. I know she wont read anything or go back to counseling. She is just happy with the way things are. I have told her my feelings and have had many talks but all I get is I know and I'll try harder or no response at all. Then nothing ever comes of it. I am at a total loss for what to do other then file for divorce to get things to change. This year for New Years we had one kiss, no hugs, nothing else. same old thing. Every one that I have talked to that knows what is going on keep telling me that nothing is going to change. We had a talk this morning, and I told her that rules are going to change for our kids and I want to work on our marriage but I am going to be happy. So if things work out they work out and if they don't they don't. I told her that I refuse to go through another year like this. She thinks that me being happy doing my own thing is going to make us happy. I think it is the other way around and we to make each other happy and ourselves happy at the same time. If more imformation is needed let me know. I am at a loss at what to do next. Thanks for reading.

[Mikayla1]

I am very sorry to hear (read) that things are not getting better! I think anyone, anywhere would be horrified to read that you have had sex only 2 times in a year! The average amount of times a couple has sex after 5 years of marriage is 1 time a week at minimum - so at LEAST 50 or so times a year!

If she is getting gratification from her BOB, then this is definitely an issue with YOU and how she views you. THe lack of affection she is displaying in general, combined with the lack of intimacy and overall concern for YOUR sexual health is appalling at best.

This is a woman who probably is not attracted to you anymore, has personal body issues, or who just doesn't want to deal with the fuss and muss of sex with a live person. She is in a horrible rut, and this is most unfair to you.

I too think a separation is in order to show her that you are serious. Statistically, staying in a bad marriage is more detrimental to a family than leaving and being happy as individuals. Hopefully, the separation will snap her mind in the right direction, but if not, you will have the comfort of knowing that you have not spent another year unhappily married!

You have one life my friend, and it is your responsibility to get the most of it. All marriages have difficulties and issues - all marriages - but this is an extreme situation in my opinion and it reaches further than just sex.

Please have a Happy New Year and try to make things better by making YOURSELF happy!

[Tyger]

I have to agree with the other posters.

A marriage takes 2, count 'em, 2 people making honest efforts. And she doesn't seem as though she is really caring to make an honest effort. Sometimes life gets in the way, however, you have to make conscious efforts to make sure that your spouse doesn't get lost in the hubbub of it all.

Unfortunately, something drastic needs to be done, now. Your post's topic is "How Long To Wait". You've waited a lot longer than I would've! It's your life, set an example for your kids, be strong, get happy cuz nobody else can help you at this point, but yourself.

Good luck in the New Year!

[thurisas]

Your post could have been written by me several years ago. I've been in a similar situation to where you are. The biggest difference is that I was married to my best friend and when things started taking a turn down the road you seem to be on, we fell back into friend mode. It was when we were renewing that friendship that we reconnected and have stayed connected ever since and our marriage is great. The way I handled it before we decided to be just friends again was much like you. The pressure was always on her to do something to make things better. That sort of pressure didn't cast me in the most desireable light in her eyes and I realize that now. So the question is, how much space have you given her to try to come to terms with your relationship on her own? Are you constantly forcing the problems in front of her face so she has no way to focus on finding the solutions? If you're giving her the time without pressure any person would need(imagine having a deadline at work on a huge project and having your boss pop in every hour or so to tell you you have a deadline on a huge project and rehashing the details with you) to sort out her issues then I agree with the other posters here, get out now because life is too short. If not, though, pull back for a month or two, do your own thing, treat her as a friend instead of a lover/spouse, and see if you don't see any changes. If not, you're already on the road to friendship and hopefully the separation will be less heated.

Thurisas.

[pappyld04]

I see from this that you have really been putting a lot of effort into making this work and for that you should be comended. I didn't check out your past posts but have gotten a bit of clue from the responses before me. It really looks like time for some serious soul-searching. This is definitely being seen by your children and although it may be tough you really need a seperation. It may or may not have the desired effect but it will set an example of how a person sometimes MUST do things for their children as well as themselves. I really hope you find the happiness you seek whether it is with or without her!

[square]

A couple of thoughts.

When you are together, do you have fun, giggle, goof on each other, play stupid little practical jokes, etc. ?

Has she quit calling the co-worker on the other side of the cell phone?

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"She thinks that me being happy doing my own thing is going to make us happy. I think it is the other way around and we to make each other happy and ourselves happy at the same time. "

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Not sure this is applicable, but I'll throw it out anyway. Back in my "swinging bachelor" days, I would feel like I'd be happier if I had a steady date, and I think I gave out a negative vibe as a result that girls would pick up on, and they'd run the other way. At some point I decided I needed to find a way to be happy on my own, without having a girlfriend first. A few months later I had a steady honey, and ended up marrying her.

[Mike_d]

sorry Sweetpup, if it has been a year, you have been to counciling together, and she just pays lipservice to your needs, you have to make a change. Find the problem, remove it, and move on so you can be happier. If you are roommates with childeren, it's not a good life for them, they will realize it and it could affect their relationships on down the line.

[KentJ]

Sweetpup,

Sorry to hear of your situation. My wife and I are in a tough spot with our marriage. Like you, I am committed to our marriage, my wife and our children which makes it difficult. It sounds like you too have a wife who knows that you are so committed, that she will continue to "push" the boundaries until you explode!

Over the holidays, I got to truly observe my wifes parents, as we traveled to their house and stayed with them for a week. That visit was enlightening, as it allowed me to understand what behavior she learned was "wife beahvior". I have to admit that I like my MIL, but I would not want her for a wife! She is cold, plays the part of a martyr, and always wants everyone to know that "her work is never done".

The funny thing is that my wife was not that way as we were dating. Even in the earlier years of our marriage, when were were DINKS, I did not recognize any ot this behavior from wife. It was only after our first son came into our life did things begin to change. The "fend for yourself" mentality was explicitly communicated, because she was "too tired with a new born". Somehow I think she thought that she was doing it all by herself, while nothing was further from the truth! That said, I think she looked forward to being "in the mothers club" and for some reason felt that that translated into focusing exclusivley on our son, and telling me to "wait" until later. As Howard said in a posting, many women especially listen to other women and "jump into the 'hate you husband' pool', rather than try to get other to "free themselves" to feel that it is great for a husband and wife to make each other happy everyday!

This year, I have decided and told my wife, that we need to focus on making each other happy...everyday! Part of that happiness means having physical contact...touching each others face, arm, holding hands...in and out of bed. I too believe that it is important for our boys to learn that a partner is supposed to provide that type of physical affirmation of ones love.

Additionally, we started the year with my wife receiveing multiple orgasms from my spending more than an hour licking, sucking and nibbling her all over her body...from her eyelids to her big toe, and all her delicious parts in between. Unfortunately, the boys woke-up before she could return the favor(s). We are planning a weekend at the shore this weekend without the boys, so I am hopeful that my turn is coming.

To close, as others have posted, I think it is important to find a "way-in", so that you and your wife can get back to each other. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife needs something dramatic for her to understand that this is an "urgent" situation. I can read in your words, that you are on the precipace of seeking another's attention, but your morals are keeping you hostage, eventhough your wife is betraying you by breaking her vows of not meeting your needs. Think hard about your decision, make you plan, execute, and stay committed to it. We are here to support.

Njoy

[Sweetpup]

Thank you all for your replies and understanding. I didn't think I was going crazy. My wife and I had a talk last night and she actually talked to me rather then claming up. Some progress was made but I will see how it pans out. I am giving this one more month to see if things turn around. I am going to contact a lawyer just to get myself in order in case things turn for the worst. I am going to start doing for my self and my children. Kind of give her the cold shoulder but not stoop to her level. I will remain loving but I think she has to make the first move now. My wife knows that she cannot make enough money to pay for half of the mortgage and household bills. I am going to impliment this begining Febuary if I don't see any real progress. I do have a hard time doing this because I have values that I should be the provider for the family and taking care of them. I have told my wife that I haven given enough this past year to keep just about anyone happy and not getting any benifits from a marriage in return. Maybe selfish on my part, But I can't keep giving with no return. In my mind I don't think anything is going to phase her short of diviorce papers. I could be wrong. All I am looking for is someone to love and take care of and wants to do the same in return. Is this too much to ask for. Thanks again for all you input and I will keep you up to date and try to answer anyones questions.

[KentJ]

I hope your situation resolves itself with you family intact.

However, from a strategic standpoint, I think your contacting an attorney should be kept to yourself. Even in the heat of an argument, I would not let your wife know that you are "getting things in order". The second bit of advice I have is to begin journaling the beavior/incidents that make your situation unbearable. I would also be sure to document your family expenses and your financial contributions. When a divorce gets nasty, it does so quickly and is resolved soley on the basis of proof.

Finally, I am not an attorney, just a guy who has witnessed a number of divorces. I am sure there are a few attorneys here who could weigh-in.

Best of luck!

[jad20fan]

I agree with what everyone has posted--you've given this your all and she hasn't. Marriage takes 2 to be successful. I hope everything works out but it's good you have plans in case it doesn't. Keep us informed on how it's going. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sweetpup]

Thanks again for everyone's help so here is an update. I have been talking to my sister about things and she has become kind of a counsler to my wife. Things have definatly improved over the last couple of weeks. My sister tends to see things from all angles. My wife and I have been talking alot more and she has even become more affectionate. I have commended her on her progress and told her I hope it continues. She still has the feelings but are slowly coming back. All the talks with my sister has greatly helped. My wife and I have both decided that a fresh start all around was needed. We decided to purchase a new home about hour and a half from Chicago. We are all excited about starting over including the kids which I thought was going to be hell to get them to move but I was wrong.

It also seems like my wife is more of a mother now then a friend to my oldest. We will be closer to my sister which my wife does like because my sister was close to us before she moved. I am glad that I didn't do anything drastic to change her mind as that was always my intent was for her to see things before it was too late. I am confident that with all the changes, the fresh start, and both commited to make things work that we will finially get back back to where we left off 12 years ago and have a happy family. Its all we both ever wanted was to be happy. I just knew I had to hold out a little longer. Thanks to all again for your support through my time of need. I will keep everyone posted on how things work out.

[hollybw]

Glad to hear that things are improving for you! I think it is great that you are trying so hard to save your marriage and that now your wife seems to be also. Too many people give up too quickly on their marriages, IMO.

Good luck to you.

[Sweetpup]

Hi all, all is still going well and seems to be getting better everyday. She is not on any meds. I think it was more of an idenity crisis. Then realizing how good she really has it. A fresh start and a new home is getting her excited again both mentaly and physicaly. Some thing I think we both needed after raising children that will be gone soon. I am looking forward to things to continue on the path were on. Thanks again for everyones support and concern. I will keep everyone updated as things progress.

[Desires08]

Glad to hear things are looking up. Don't hit the brakes, don't tap the accelerator. Just go with the flow. Follow your heart. Sometimes a little space is good. If you feel that rut coming on again, think back to this time. Maybe it's just having someone she can talk to whom she trusts and who knows the both of you. I would suggest that if you want to continue the relationship in a productive manner, surround yourself with positive people. The last thing you need is your best buds constantly telling you to "get out". In the end, you make your choices. Keep your friends close to your heart as well, but take everything anyone says as a grain of salt and not as something that is carved in stone. Everyone here is rooting for you and wish you and your wife the most passioniate love filled nights of a lifetime! Happy Valentine's Day to the both of you!