Cannot Orgasm With Husband

[040202]

I am so frustrated. I cannot orgasm with my husband. I started experimenting with toys to see if it was even possible for me to orgasm. While growing up, I was taught that masterbation was wrong. So I don't like to do it. But I'm able to use the shower head or a small vibrator to get the job done. Sometimes it only takes me 5 minutes, other times it's over an hour!! My husband tries to help me out, but I've only been able to orgasm once while he was in the room. He'll usually leave to room after sex while I use a toy to finish off, or I'll go lay in another room and finish. We've tried using toys during sex, but it seems to me that my hot spot area goes numb or seems to hide when I try to use a vibrator. I've tried focusing on the orgasm, I've tried focusing on how it feels, I've tried everything I can think of but I still cannot climax. We've tried oral, hand stimulation, nothing has worked for me. I feel like crying every time we have sex. I don't want to have sex because I don't feel like there's anything in it for me! That's bad. I want to have the desire to have sex. I'm 29 years old and I'm supposed to be reaching my sexual peak! If this is the peak, I think our marriage will be in trouble in the future.

Someone, anyone, please help me. Please!!

[Mikayla1]

Calm down sweetie - you are not alone! There are sooo many women who have this issue. It is, of course, a combination of factors. FIrst, 80-85% of ALL women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. This means, even with great sex and a loving partner, if you are not touching your clit, you are NOT going to orgasm. This is the first issue.

Now, the second piece to the puzzle is your psychological block. You have a mental block that basially prohibits you from enjoying yourself during sex. You might THINK you want it, but what you are subconsciously thinking is 'this is wrong, this is wrong.' I tell ya, I wish I could kick all these parents in the ass who tried to tell their kids that masturbation is wrong, it really screws them all up!

So, what you have to do is retrain your brain. This is not going to be easy, but because you need that clitoral stim and feel guilty doing it, you have to learn to relax and pleasure yourself. My suggestion is this, a sort of sexual plan.

First, have masturbation only night. You masturbate yourself - all alone - no pressure. Take a bath, get naked, get comfortable. Take your time, have as many orgasms as you can or want. Give yourself the courage to pleasure yourself and like it.

Next, have masturbation only night wtih your partner. He masturbates himself, you masturbate you. Let him watch you pleasure yourself, and you watch him please himself. This will take some of the stigma off the situation.

Then, have him masturbate you, and you masturbate him. Let him please you in whatever way he wants. Tongue, fingers, toys. Just make sure you relax as much as possible and enjoy it. Then, you masturbate him. Take your time and enjoy all the feelings.

FInally, move on to sex. These should NOT be all in one night. When you get to sex night, use all you have learned in the previous nights and try to relax. The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be for your partner to stimulate you. Your clit hides because you are tense. If it doesn't hide during masturbation that it. Also, to avoid the numbness, take the bullet or vibe on and off your spot.

Please let me know how all these goes. I wish you luck!

[hollybw]

Very nicely said, iha. Mikayla, too.

Hope this helps you to get over this block... Let us all know - I'm sure a lot of people could learn from your experience. I know there are more people in your situation than we think!

[Tyger]

In addition to all the great advise given already, it sounds like you've forgotten one MAJOR thing when it comes to having sex with your hubby! It's all about fun and reconnecting as a couple. You're trying SO hard to cum, that you're not relaxing and truly enjoying your time together. No wonder you can't orgasm! So much pressure!! Along with the other great suggestions of clit stimulation and masturbation nights, just try and RELAX and have fun.

[ladylove]

NICE GIRLS DO!

I too use to be in the same position as you, many years ago. I'm happy to report it's no longer a problem; But it did take time. Lots of baby steps. Part of my problem was upbringing also, nice girls don't....well you know what I'm saying. Mikalya1 and Tyger gave you excellent advice. The only thing I'd like to add is, if you can, go away for a weekend or at the very least one night. Make plans to go out for a romantic dinner, (it doesn't have to be expensive to be romantic) and have a drink, but don't get drunk, and forget about the goal. While your away just live in the moment. Make a rule not to discuss kids, jobs, fianances or any 'stuff' like that.

I found going away for the weekend helped me leave my emotional distractions and baggage behind, I was more relaxed. There also seems to be a greater sense of freedom when your not thinking the baby's might cry, or kids may walk in, or the phone could ring,....on and on it goes....

Good luck! And Remember STOP THINKING!!, just feel.

Look at any tiny step forward as a huge accomplishment; because it is!

Feel free to pm me anytime, with any questions or concerns you might have. I've been in your shoes and know what you may be feeling.

[coffee-girl]

hotmom,

I know how you feel. The only way that I've ever been able to have an orgasm has been with a vibrator or showerhead. I've tried other ways, but none of them have ever worked, or even come close.

Some of my friends on the other hand... one says she can almost orgasm from nipple play alone. And another, she claims that she can climax just by rubbing her legs together. Unfair, huh?

Over the years, I've learned that most of my sex drive originates in my head and my heart, not my hormones. I need an intellectual and/or emotional connection to get the ball rolling. When I have this connection, I thoroughly enjoy sex, even without the big finale.

But now that I'm in my late 30s, I'd really like my orgasm not to require batteries. So I've been doing some research. What have I come up with?

Well, I actually have most of the symptoms of hypothyroidism, which can affect libido. I haven't checked with my doctor, but I do suspect that it has something to do with my thyroid or other hormone issue.

You mentioned your clitoris numbing out (which mine does) and hiding. Here's a Q&A page that talks about how hormone imbalance can stop the clitoris from becoming fully engorged. I'm not sure how much truth it holds, but I find it interesting.

Another thing that can affect sex drive is medication - everything from antidepressants to birth control pills.

There's also a book out called The Orgasmic Diet. I haven't read it, but I have read some of the reviews which seem favorable. I guess some of the key points include cutting back on carbs, including sugar, avoiding caffeine, and increasing protein. Apparently my current diet is all wrong.

I hope that some of this was helpful. I tried to cover some points that may not have been touched upon already. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you (and me, too!).

PM me if you have any questions, need to vent, whatever.

[angelbrenda]

I am so frustrated. I cannot orgasm with my husband. I started experimenting with toys to see if it was even possible for me to orgasm. While growing up, I was taught that masterbation was wrong. So I don't like to do it. But I'm able to use the shower head or a small vibrator to get the job done. Sometimes it only takes me 5 minutes, other times it's over an hour!! My husband tries to help me out, but I've only been able to orgasm once while he was in the room. He'll usually leave to room after sex while I use a toy to finish off, or I'll go lay in another room and finish. We've tried using toys during sex, but it seems to me that my hot spot area goes numb or seems to hide when I try to use a vibrator. I've tried focusing on the orgasm, I've tried focusing on how it feels, I've tried everything I can think of but I still cannot climax. We've tried oral, hand stimulation, nothing has worked for me. I feel like crying every time we have sex. I don't want to have sex because I don't feel like there's anything in it for me! That's bad. I want to have the desire to have sex. I'm 29 years old and I'm supposed to be reaching my sexual peak! If this is the peak, I think our marriage will be in trouble in the future.

Someone, anyone, please help me. Please!!

Beleive me, your not the only one!

But, your not reaching your peak yet sweetie, that ususally happens late 30s-40s-50s

i was like this with my Ex-It does depend on how the man "works it" is he hitting your G-Spot? if you've never had a G Spot orgasm, I have found the dildos that are curved are wonderful for this- i bought the glass wand one, for the G-Spot-OMG AWESOME!!!! Also, if mhe is long enough, there is also a cervical orgasm, very deep in the vagina, dildos are good for this too

your in the right place

[coffee-girl]

Since I am in the same boat, I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. In my case, I really think that testosterone deficiency is to blame.

First, some facts:

● 80-85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm (as Mikayla said)

● The clitoris has the same amount of nerve endings as the penis (so it should be very sensitive)

● In women, testosterone is needed for clitoral/nipple sensitivity (it also affects interest, arousal, sexual response, lubrication, orgasm)

Now, there are 4 stages in the sexual response cycle: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

If someone were able to reach the plateau (2nd) stage during sex, but couldn't orgasm - I would wonder about their mindset, explore different positions/techniques, etc... (sounds like they just need that extra little push)

But, if someone (like me) weren't unable to get past the excitement (1st) stage, the issue may lie in something like diet, hormone levels, etc...

Speaking of diet, after reading about the Orgasmic Diet, I looked a little closer at mine. I'm a vegetarian, so I tend to eat too many carbs and not enough protein. Also, when I do eat protein, it's often soy, which can kill libido! Who knew!

So, I cut out the soy and the caffeine (damnit), cut down on the carbs, and bought some whey protein powder. It's been about a week now, and while I haven't really noticed an increase in my sex drive, I did have a ridiculously intense orgasm. It was with a toy, of course, but I haven't had an orgasm like that in years. Was it related to my change in diet? I don't know. I suppose time will tell.

[Amylynn920]

I think for women, it's so much more complex. Let's look at male anatomy for a minute. Men have their penis as all one unit, we have a vagina and clitoris. My husband put the phrasing the best that I've heard. "Men have a clit on a stick" so to speak. With penetration they get it all. Shaft and head of the penis stimulation.

If our clitoris' were inside our vagina's which in a way they are since the clitoral "shaft" runs much deeper than what we see on the exterior, women would orgasm much easier.

There is nothing wrong with dual stimulation. Use your fingers on your clitoris or a vibrator during intercourse. He's not going to think you're freaky or you look weird, he's into his pleasure and isn't looking at you like that.

Do what you need to, to get the orgasm.

We use a bullet during intercourse 99% of the time. I can't come without stimulation. I know what feels good for me.

He loves looking down and seeing me work that toy and I can focus on what feels good for me.

I don't want him leaving the room so I can get off, just because I might look funny. I want his penis stimulating my vagina.

The bullet and him work as a unit. I look at it as the bullet is an extension of his fingers.

There is nothing as good as coming together feeling him pulse in me, hearing his sounds of satisfaction and mine.

Sometimes we just leave the bullet there, turn it down and slowly start back up to session 2.

So ladies please don't leave your partner to come, they love knowing that they've gotten you there in some form or another.

[cmwise1]

I'm trying to think of a reply that might help. You've had a lot of info offered to you and it has been wonderful and as real as it gets, from women just like you. Not having an orgasm can come from 3 reasons: medical, physical , and psychological. The hardest ones to deal with are the medical and psychological. Check out meds and see your doc to check to see if you are hypothyroid or lack testosterone. Your doc can also assure you that you are "normal" physically. Meds can be changed or dosage altered. Testosterone cream can even be rubbed on the clitoris to enhance sensitivity. Psychologically, sexual counseling is the next step and Mikayla outlined an excellent plan to follow. You have lots of support here and we all have experienced blocks at one time or another. Let us know how you are doing!

[040202]

Well, I tried what you suggested and it didn't work. Then I tried going into things thinking, "if I orgasm, fine. If I don't, fine." But of course, I didn't and it WASN'T fine. I was just frustrated and pissy. My husband and I don't have sex often, but I told him last night....if I could orgasm each time, I'd want to have sex 50 times a day.

HELP!!

[Shariana]

I have a hard time orgasming during sex too. I found that a little bullet that my love can control helps tremendously. However, we don't use it before sex because I get a little numb.

Try enjoying the process more than the outcome. Or, to make it last longer for you to have a greater chance of coming, have him stop when he feels like he is about to climax and pleasure you alone (orally, fingers, or toys).

Having sex shouldn't be about orgasming... we can often do that on our own. It's about enjoying the closeness and intimacy with someone you love. Don't focus on destination or you won't enjoy the ride.

[coffee-girl]

Here's some detailed information about the Sexual Response cycle. Knowing how far along you get may offer some insight:

The First Phase of Sexual Response

Excitement can last for just a few minutes or extend for several hours. Characteristics of this phase include: an increasing level of muscle tension, a quickened heart rate, flushed skin (or some blotches of redness may occur on the chest and back), hardened or erect nipples, and the onset of vasocongestion, resulting in swelling of the woman's clitoris and labia minora and erection of the man's penis.

Other changes also occur. In the woman, the vaginal walls begin to produce a lubricating liquid, her uterus elevates and grows in size, and her breasts become larger. At the same time, the woman's vagina swells and the muscle that surrounds the vaginal opening, called the pubococygeal muscle, grows tighter.

These changes prepare the woman's body for orgasm and were called the "orgasmic platform" by Masters and Johnson. Additional changes in men include elevation and swelling of the testicles, tightening of the scrotal sac, and secretion of a lubricating liquid by the Cowper's glands.

The Second Phase of Sexual Response

Also known as the plateau, this phase is characterized primarily by the intensification of all of the changes begun during the excitement phase. During this period, the woman's clitoris may become so sensitive that it is painful to the touch. The plateau phase extends to the brink of orgasm, which initiates the reversal of all of the changes begun during the excitement phase.

During the second phase, called the expulsion phase, the urinary bladder closes to block the possibility of urine mixing with the semen. At this point, muscles at the base of the penis begin a steady rhythmic contraction that finally expels the semen from the urethral opening at the head of the penis.

The Third Phase of Sexual Response

The peak of sexual excitement is reached during the third phase. Involuntary muscle contractions, heightened blood pressure and heart rate, rapid intake of oxygen, sphincter muscle contraction, spasms of the carpopedel muscles in the feet, and sudden forceful release of sexual tension characterize the orgasmic phase.

For men, orgasm generally climaxes in the ejaculation of semen, which contains millions of sperm. Ejaculation consists of two steps. During the first phase, called the emission phase, seminal fluid builds up in the urethral bulb of the prostate gland. As the fluid accumulates, the male senses he is about to ejaculate. This is often experienced as inevitable and uncontrollable.

For women, orgasm also consists of rhythmic muscle contractions, in this case of the uterus, at about the same pace as in men. Tightening of the woman's muscles puts pressure on the man's penis and assists in male orgasm.

For both sexes, barring the presence of some form of sexual dysfunction, orgasm is an intensely pleasurable experience. Indeed, some see it as the most pleasurable experience possible.

The Final Phase of Sexual Response

In this phase, the resolution, the body returns to normal levels of heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and muscle contraction. Swelled and erect body parts return to normal and skin flushing disappears.

The resolution phase is marked by a general sense of well being and enhanced intimacy and possibly by fatigue as well. Many women are capable of a rapid return to the orgasmic phase with minimal stimulation and may experience continued orgasms for up to an hour.

Males, especially as they age, experience a refractory period of varying duration after orgasm. During this period, men cannot achieve orgasm, although partial or full erection may sometimes be maintained.

The duration of the refractory period can vary from just a few minutes to several days and there is great variability in the length of the refractory period both within and between men.

Copyright 2002 Sinclair Intimacy Institute

[Amylynn920]

Exactly what is happening when you two have sex? Maybe we can suggest if we know what the usual routine is. Is he giving you oral? Manual? For how long? What's foreplay like? Positions? What's going on?

[040202]

Exactly what is happening when you two have sex? Maybe we can suggest if we know what the usual routine is. Is he giving you oral? Manual? For how long? What's foreplay like? Positions? What's going on?

Well, usually it's about 2 seconds before I'm asleep when he'll initiate sex. So I'm annoyed to begin with. (OK. I know that's probably the biggest problem right there.) But even if it's not right before I go to sleep, our typical routine is this...

We ALWAYS have to use lubricant. I'm not wet enough on my own.

He'll grab my butt or start rubbing up on me and he'll whisper in my ear, "Wanna have sex?" or "Let's go do it." My immediate response in my head is, "I don't want to do this." or "I don't want to, but it's been over a week so I feel bad for him." (Again, I know that's a problem.) Then we'll go to the bedroom, he'll pull my pants down, I'll stall by saying stupid things or making jokes, then I'll tell myself to shut up, and then we get to it. There isn't any foreplay (he'll ask me what I want him to do but I have no idea what I want) so we start by me laying on the bed on my back and him standing on the side of the bed. After a few minutes he'll have me lay on my side, then we usually finish up with me face down on the bed. He doesn't usually move from the standing position. That's our usual routine.

But since I've been reading on this forum, this is our new routine....

It pretty much starts out the same as before, except this time I will grab my "little friend" (it's called the g-spot finder, but I use it exclusively on my clit area) and we'll start in the spoon position with one of my legs raised a little bit so that I can access my clit. Then I just try to focus on what I'm feeling and try to find that "spot" that always seems to hide from me! He'll get to the point where he's close to climaxing so I'll tell him to stop and just let me try to find my stupid "spot" so he'll stop for a minute, but then start up again. So we alternate that for a while, him thrusting then stopping while I hunt, then after about 15 or 20 minutes, I'll just say, "finish up. I give up." So he does, then it's over.

Sometimes I'll lay there while he showers and try to climax, and sometimes I'll just be so frustrated that I go to bed before I can think about what just happened because I'll usually end up crying out of frustration.

Once in a blue moon I'll put on some lingerie and take control and be on top (which he LOVES) but I'd say 99% of the time he's the one initiating.

I'm SSSSOOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable when he tries to do oral on me. Very rarely do I enjoy even making out, which is weird to me because I used to like to do that. I don't know. I know that everything I've said sounds like it's a mental thing. But I don't know at what point I changed. I used to like to have sex. But now, I could live without it fine. Sad. Sad. Sad.

[cybele]

I'm a newbie - heck I don't even know if I'm replying correctly or not. But your story sounds a lot like mine was for quite a few years. I was tired! I had three kids under four years old, and when I wasn't running around after them, I was at work. And it never failed, when I was just starting to doze off (out of sheer exhaustion) that's when he'd think it was the perfect time. Honestly, even though I loved oral, I couldn't get off... no matter how I concentrated. I'm not sure if you're dealing with a hectic life and all, but I think that maybe starting much earlier would help. I took some control at one point and started foreplay while he was watching TV, long before bedtime. I knew if I didn't start it early, and left it up to him, my sex life would be completely dead. It worked to a point, but I was tired of initiating all the time. It seemed like it was too much effort for him - sadly. But, give it a shot, maybe your husband will figure it out.

Hope this helps... just my little two cents...

[thurisas]

Your first problem that I can see is that sex has become a chore for you, not the fun time it is supposed to be. If you're not feeling playful and played with through the whole thing, then of course you're going to have issues.

Compound that first problem with the idea that you're going at it when you're not in the right mindset makes it doubly difficult to climax. You will get more satisfaction out of ANY activity you're actively wishing to participate in versus one that you're just kinda going along with.

Also, you are psyching yourself out before you even start. You've already decided that you aren't horny, you've already decided you aren't going to get where you want to be, and you've already decided that you're not going to teach him what he needs to know to please you. The kicker here is, he's asked and you've dodged the answer.

Here's my suggestion for you. Change the whole thing up completely. Start by initiating the play yourself. That doesn't mean walking up to him and saying "Hey, wanna do it?" Make a day of getting yourself and him ready. Sexy emails or text messages. Leave notes detailing what you want to do and what you want done. Get things ready long before he gets home. Better yet, get the things ready for a mid-day romp and build him up for that. Don't be shy when it comes time to be physical. Let him know what to do and let him know when he's doing something right, something wrong, and do it by talking as well as body language. Don't forego your foreplay...you want to be physical without lube? Foreplay is your key. Enjoy each other. Find the best ways to please and tease him, let him find the best ways to do the same for you.

You need to get out of the sexual rutt you're in and this is just my suggestion for achieving that goal. I hope this wasn't too blunt for you and I truly hope it helps.

Randy.

[Amylynn920]

Well, usually it's about 2 seconds before I'm asleep when he'll initiate sex.

Ok, you're tired, you're not feeling sexy. I've been there too. Foreplay for me takes a while. I need it or it's just physical sex for him. I would suggest you start planning sex. Get to bed earlier, both of you.

So I'm annoyed to begin with. Are you annoyed that it's happening when you're almost asleep? Or annoyed that he wants it?

(OK. I know that's probably the biggest problem right there.) But even if it's not right before I go to sleep, our typical routine is this...

We ALWAYS have to use lubricant. I'm not wet enough on my own.

You're not wet because there's no foreplay for you. Where is the oral for you? Where is the breast and nipple play? The kisses and the stroking? Do you go down on him? Foreplay is called that for a reason, Foreplay = Play before. Of course you're not wet, your physical and mental needs aren't being met.

He'll grab my butt or start rubbing up on me and he'll whisper in my ear, "Wanna have sex?" or "Let's go do it." My immediate response in my head is, "I don't want to do this." or "I don't want to, but it's been over a week so I feel bad for him." (Again, I know that's a problem.)

Yeah it is, sex is about two people not just one. If you don't want to have it then don't or at least make the effort for foreplay for him and you. There's no reason to go into making love without it.

Then we'll go to the bedroom, he'll pull my pants down, I'll stall by saying stupid things or making jokes, then I'll tell myself to shut up, and then we get to it.

You are making this sound like work. "Get to it" There is no hurry, again it's making love and foreplay, take your time and play.

There isn't any foreplay (he'll ask me what I want him to do but I have no idea what I want)

Well you won't know until you try, so start trying. Tell him, I want kissing, or I would really love you to go down on me. Just start doing something. Not telling him anything is telling him you want nothing.

so we start by me laying on the bed on my back and him standing on the side of the bed. After a few minutes he'll have me lay on my side, then we usually finish up with me face down on the bed. He doesn't usually move from the standing position. That's our usual routine.

I would start exploring some other positions. Those are nice, and all, but there's other positions out there. What about doggie? Him sitting and you sitting on him?

But since I've been reading on this forum, this is our new routine....

It pretty much starts out the same as before, except this time I will grab my "little friend" (it's called the g-spot finder, but I use it exclusively on my clit area)

The nice thing about toys is that they can be used in ways other than they are marketed for. I love the Marble Swirly G as a clit toy as well as a GSpot toy. Try a bullet. They offer alot of variety.

and we'll start in the spoon position with one of my legs raised a little bit so that I can access my clit. Then I just try to focus on what I'm feeling and try to find that "spot" that always seems to hide from me! He'll get to the point where he's close to climaxing so I'll tell him to stop and just let me try to find my stupid "spot"

It's not a "stupid spot" it's your clitoris. And it's a powerhouse, when enhanced with foreplay. You may feel it's deceiving to you or malfunctioning now but trust me, it's a valuable and vital area

so he'll stop for a minute, but then start up again. So we alternate that for a while, him thrusting then stopping while I hunt, then after about 15 or 20 minutes, I'll just say, "finish up. I give up." So he does, then it's over.

Ok after it's over, ask him to stay with you and masturbate you or you masturbate yourself. You deserve your orgasm. What about you coming before you begin sex? Once you come once, it is usually easier to do it again during intercourse.

Sometimes I'll lay there while he showers and try to climax, and sometimes I'll just be so frustrated that I go to bed before I can think about what just happened because I'll usually end up crying out of frustration.

That's why I say, ask him to help you come. After sex should be the time for kissing, touching and coming down of the high of the orgasm. Afterglow is one of the nicest parts of sex. If he just comes and then is up and off to the shower, that's not right. You HAVE NOT come, so he needs to stay with you and help you.

Once in a blue moon I'll put on some lingerie and take control and be on top (which he LOVES) but I'd say 99% of the time he's the one initiating.

Get that lingerie out and get on your man. It sounds as if he's becoming routine because he's doing all the work. You need to take control. Of the foreplay, stimulating yourself and being proactive in your sex life with him.

I'm SSSSOOOOOOOOOO uncomfortable when he tries to do oral on me.

Why? Do you do oral on him?

Very rarely do I enjoy even making out, which is weird to me because I used to like to do that.

So what changed to make this whole thing so distasteful to you? Is it because you can't orgasm that you don't care anymore?

I don't know. I know that everything I've said sounds like it's a mental thing. But I don't know at what point I changed. I used to like to have sex. But now, I could live without it fine. Sad. Sad. Sad.

And my other question to you is have you tried masturbating alone?

[040202]

Yes, I'll occasionaly do oral on him. It's not my favorite thing to do.

No, I don't masterbate alone. I did in the beginning just to see if it was POSSIBLE for me to orgasm. Once I found out that I could, then I stopped. I don't want to do it alone.

I don't know why or when things seemed to became a chore for me. All I know is that it's not normal or fair to either of us. We're both frustrated and we don't know what to do about it. We're both willing to try new things. Actually, it's a very welcome thing for both of us.

[040202]

Foreplay is is very important, and not just for getting aroused: foreplay is chock full of communications about all sorts of things, and not just sex...foreplay is the time that the couple negotiates what will happen for the rest of the sexual episode...(quickie or three ring circus? who gets to be on top? who gets to be the leader? gentle and loving, or aggressive and hot?) Very poorly differentiated couples tend to have very little or no foreplay, because the foreplay deals with stuff that they are both trying to avoid (intimacy)....better differentiated couples have more extended and creative foreplay...in fact, they tend to have extended foreplay that incorporates many emotions: playfulness, aggression, laughter, eyes open foreplay, sex, and orgasm.

Foreplay is also the time when the deep, emotional, psychological, and spiritual 'connection' is established for the remainder of the sexual episode...if there is no or very little connectivity established, it is no wonder that you are not wet enough, interested enough, or able to reach the orgasm threshold...you are clearly not 'making love'; it is just a reptilian sexual tension release (for him).

So what do you suggest for foreplay? When I'm totally NOT in the mood to just keep doing things to each other until I AM in the mood? That is scary for me! Sometimes I find when I'm not in the mood, if I fake it...I mean really fake it, then after a few minutes I am in the mood. I guess it's the same concept? I just thought I was abnormal for not being in the mood before we did anything. Worth a try, right?

Thanks for everyone's input. You have NO IDEA how much this is helping me. Thanks so much!!

[jhard]

I am so frustrated. I cannot orgasm with my husband. I started experimenting with toys to see if it was even possible for me to orgasm. While growing up, I was taught that masterbation was wrong. So I don't like to do it. But I'm able to use the shower head or a small vibrator to get the job done. Sometimes it only takes me 5 minutes, other times it's over an hour!! My husband tries to help me out, but I've only been able to orgasm once while he was in the room. He'll usually leave to room after sex while I use a toy to finish off, or I'll go lay in another room and finish. We've tried using toys during sex, but it seems to me that my hot spot area goes numb or seems to hide when I try to use a vibrator. I've tried focusing on the orgasm, I've tried focusing on how it feels, I've tried everything I can think of but I still cannot climax. We've tried oral, hand stimulation, nothing has worked for me. I feel like crying every time we have sex. I don't want to have sex because I don't feel like there's anything in it for me! That's bad. I want to have the desire to have sex. I'm 29 years old and I'm supposed to be reaching my sexual peak! If this is the peak, I think our marriage will be in trouble in the future.

Someone, anyone, please help me. Please!!

Hey there HotMom(ma)!,

You sound exactly like my wife! Don't take that in a bad way. You are 9 years younger. The very fact that you are concerned about this and looking for ways to improve on the passion in your marriage is a great sign, and I'm sure you're husband would be very proud if he knew (I know I would be).

Sometimes, it takes us guys a loooooong time to figure things out. I think that a woman has to learn her own sexuality before she can share it with a partner. Trust me, I have spent much time beside my wife while she plays with a toy...waiting for her to climax and it just did not happen. I was in the way for her at that particular time.

I will give you the same advice that Iha gave me, read the book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. You will gain some insight to your situation, share what you learn with your man. Like you, my wife has also often cried while having sex. I can tell that I do not feel like a "superman" when I notice her cyring.

I know what you are going through. All of this pain, hurt, frustration and resentment can be a stepping stone to a more passionate marriage. The catch is that you have to do something about it. Sex toys will not solve the problem, this I found out already.

Wish you all the best,

jhard

[040202]

Thanks, jhard,

Did you guys get things figured out? If so, what did you do? If not, what are you trying?

It's good to hear from guys on this site, because I'm always wondering what my husband is really thinking about the whole situation.

[jhard]

Thanks, jhard,

Did you guys get things figured out? If so, what did you do? If not, what are you trying?

It's good to hear from guys on this site, because I'm always wondering what my husband is really thinking about the whole situation.

HotMomma,

I am not sure that one get situations like this "figured out" like a math problem or something. If you can as a couple get to a point where you can agree on what you want together and agree to honestly work towards that goal you will have come a long way. We are still on that path. For me, I have come to the realization that there is nothing "wrong" with where we are at sexually, it is just where we are at right now. I think this applies to equally to couples and also to people. For you, there is nothing wrong with your orgasm situation, it is just where you are at right now. Relax, and take it for that only. If you share your anxiety with your husband I would hope that he would be more than understanding and supportive to you, and I bet that you would feel better.

These are my insights only, I am no expert by a long shot. I have however, been tempered by extreme resentment and hurt due to marital sexual friction and after all of the *shit* I sort of came up with this line of thinking is all.

wish you the best,

jhard

ps working through these types of situations causes all involved to "grow up" more than they are comfortable with at times

[littlefriend]

Wow, this sounds all to familiar to what I went through at first.

I will start with a little background about me:

I am 39.

I was molested once when I was a child.

I was a vigin when I got married.

My husband and I have been married for over 20 years.

I could get all worked up while making out with my husband BEFORE I went on BIRTH CONTROL PILLS right before we got married.

After that, I could not get worked up for nothing. It was a chore! I didn't even want to try. Thank God I had a patient and loving husband.

The very rare times that I would start getting into foreplay the molestation would pop into my head and make me feel dirty and I would have to fight not to loose the moment. It was a very mental issue with this one. I was finally able to forgive and get over the molestation/dirty feeling. Now what about the pills?? I will give you detailed info on that if you are on them and would like to her about my experience.

You have to come to a point in your mind that you realize sex with your husband is a wonderful thing. God gave you each other and you are meant to be able to enjoy each other in all aspects of your life, including sex!

Now, the foreplay issue. I don't want my husband to come up to me and say "let's do it" (unless i am already horney and ready to go)! That won't get him anywhere. Sex is so much more than intercourse! You have to enjoy each other's bodies. I love when he will come and sit down beside me and start giving me a foot or back massage or run his fingers through my hair. Those are my favorite starters! If you just go for the clit or vagina right off the bat, they are still asleep and wouldn't want to be messed with! They need to be woke up BEFORE they are ever touched for me! This can come in different ways at different times. Sometimes no matter how much touching, kissing or oral I get my body will not respond. I have learned that if I touch HIM in certain places it will drive me WILD!! One is as simple as him laying on his back and me slowly rubbing across the lower part of his belly. This arouses me so much and I don't have to be being touched myself for it to arouse me. You are going to have to slow down and take time to explore each other's body and find what works for you. Who knows, your turn on might be his big toe. It is different for everyone. We are not exact molds of each other and have different wants and desires and needs.

I think it would help if you both realize that you need to be statisfied before intercourse. There is sooo much more to sex than just having a penis stuck in you!

Slow down, explore each other and start foreplay long before your ready to "do it". You need to start it mentally. Start thinking about the wonderful things you would like to do to him and that you would like to have done to you. After you learn what you need and enjoy, you can really let your mind go wild and be turned on before you ever lay eyes on him. It will take time, but you are worth it. I am still learning, after 20 years, things I enjoy. Never say no to anything until you try it. You never know it might just be the thing that sends you over the top!

Now, if we can just find my g-spot! lol

[toohotcatmom]

I ditto Lillie's comment about birth control pills.

I was ready all the time before I started taking them - but after we got married, I stopped wanting it. After being on them for 25 years I just recently went off of them - and guess what - I'm horny all the time. Now if I could just get him back to being that way....

Seriously - if you're on the pill, talk to your OB/GYN. There are many out there to chose from and maybe just a switch in the pill can help.

Whatever you do - don't stop trying! It's worth it.....