Sex And Emotions

[sass]

I debated if this is relationship post or a sexpert post. Since what I am most confused about is the sex part, I opted to post it here. And I’m sorry it’s so long, but …

This is going to require some background. I have mentioned in another post that my sexual partner is a FWB. He and I have known each other about 10 years, got to know each other better about 5 years ago and have been having sex about 2 years. Besides friends, we also have some business dealing together (we are each the “boss” at our respective businesses and have some joint ventures).

The sex has always been great – down and dirty, raw sex. When we started out, I was in another relationship as was he. Neither of us was getting sexually what we needed from our partners but we found we could get it from each other. I have never been more sexually compatible with another man! My relationship fizzled out after a few months, which was fine by me. I am not good at real relationships anyway. My FWB is still in his. From the start, we have been very open with each other about what our expectations were/are and weren’t/aren’t. He has never asked me to commit to him and I have never asked him to commit to me. We like each other, get along well with each other, and have great sex. End of story, until …

Earlier this year I found out I was pregnant, and it was definitely his. Very early on, I lost the baby. It was a tubal pregnancy and there was nothing that could be done to save the baby. I had to have surgery and was “out of commission” for six weeks. I obviously had to tell him I had surgery but I didn’t tell him what kind or about the baby. He was very concerned but didn’t push – he knows I am a very private person. I didn’t tell him about the baby because I didn’t want him to think I had done it on purpose or be mad at me, either for getting pregnant or for losing the baby. I don’t know why I thought he would, but I did.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that things changed for me a bit after all this. As I was still trying to figure my thoughts, I realized he seemed to change as well. After several months (very recently), I told him about the baby. He didn’t react at all like I had originally expected. He was very understanding and sad at the loss. Since then he has been acting more like a boyfriend than a FWB. He calls me on his way home from work to tell me about his day. He calls in the middle of the day just to chat. Stuff like that. All that makes sense, our feelings are developing, etc. I get that.

But, when it comes to sex, it is the same as it has always been. It’s great, but it is still just sex. There is no caressing, very little kissing, no hugging afterward. It is still down and dirty, raw sex. It makes me think I am reading too much into the phone calls and chit-chat stuff. I only have two friends I can talk with about this and one is way too straight-laced to be able to talk about the sex part with and the other is too close to the situation to give an unbiased answer.

So, since you all seem so great, and knowledgeable, can anyone hazard a guess at what is going on with him? Is he able to separate out his emotional feelings during sex – almost like he “forgets” he has any real feelings? If a man really cares about a woman, can he have incredible sex with her and then just leave and go home to his other woman? Or, am I just being a silly girl and reading too much into all of it?

[thurisas]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know this can't be easy and as you've already suspected, the whole dynamic of your relationship changed...even before you told him about it.

The fact is that this type of event can make some major attitude shifts happen in a person. You may have gone on trying to act normal in your relationship with him but chances are he had sensed something had changed. The fact that you told him just confirmed his likely assumptions. Now he's playing a little bit of catchup. While you've had some significant time to work your way through things, he's a little bit farther back on the road to acceptance than you are. He probably isn't exactly sure how to act, is emotionally imbalanced, and just needs time.

The real question is where do you want this to go? Where does he? Where are you two going to meet in your desires and can you both be happy with that?

Randy.

[mystofpric]

Hi hun!

Okay first i do agree with Randy, you've got a head start of figuring this out, both the baby and your feelings towards it. I went through a smiliar thing with my college FWB. I found out I had HPV and that I DEFINITELY got it from him. No doubts at all, i hadn't slept with anyone else in like two years at that point. I had to tell him right away because he had it and could be sreading it. He was really supportive and told me that it didn't make me any less of a woman or any less desireable. He became my best friend and really went through whent through it all with me. The best part? He still wants me. While I he is totally the guy i could see myself marrying, we've never gone on a date. I know he cares but i also know there isn't any more than friendship or sex. The only thing you can do is talk to him. I did and it hurt and I was very upset but in the end i felt better because i knew. I hope it works out for you!

Suzy

[Mikayla1]

Iha has spoken volumes on this already....

I will just add that women in particular have a hard time separating emotions from sex. We are biochemically inclined to have hormonal rushes when we are sexually involved, and these hormonal surges are much the same as feeling 'in love.' While there are some women who can and do 'have sex like a man' there are a vast majority who cannot. Women are wired to 'nest' and procreate - creating a safe environment for themselves and their offspring. Men, on the other hand, are hotwired to spread there seed and make descendants. They do not get as quickly attached.

When you add in the baby you have another whole rush of feelings. In your mind, you made a baby together - together being the key word - and you had to go through the surgery and the loss alone. Women do not usually have to go through that alone. Another issue is when a woman becomes pregnant her hormones change more - even if it was a short lived pregnany - and the drive and hope to reproduce again is strong in many women.

You are doing a good job of sorting this out. I suspect that the 'sex only' relationship will not be so cut and dry from now on. Your mind is a more powerful sexual organ than your clitoris and it will probably rule the roost. The answer to whether he can have sex with you and separate his emotions - he can. Whether he has changed since knowing about the baby - of course he has. He made a baby - you lost it- whether he wanted it or not, he feels the loss too. I think that this relationship just may change a bit - if you are invested in him in any way -you might want to let it ride out a bit.

[Tyger]

It's true, most men can have sex, be a FWB, talk like they are getting close, when in fact, they're just being a "guy". Yes, men can have sex and stay unattached. I had a FWB, and most of the attitudes, confusion, and observations you wrote, I swore I thought you had taken from my experience with my FWB too. The one big difference is I didn't get pregnant. I am sorry for your loss.

If things seem to have change, well, they have. There's a level of emotion that is hit, when a pregnancy happens. If you're confused as to how he's feeling, and how he sees this relationship, and he's your Best Friend, then you need to ask him.

I regret that I never asked my FWB how he REALLY felt. Sometimes I think that he wanted to be with me, but we were BOTH out of bad relationships, and we BOTH stated that we just weren't ready for another relationship. So, both of us keeping our mouths shut may have hurt us. I want to think that there was something more, but who knows?

I still talk with him, though not as much, out of respect for my hubby. I may bring it up with him, someday. But, you don't want to have these sort of regrets.

Get it out in the open, ask him how he sees this relationship. Is it purely sexual, or, is there a bit more, worth exploring? Be prepared for him being honest, whether he thinks of this FWB thing as sexual release, or more. But, also remember, he's cheating on a girl with YOU. A true relationship is built on TRUST, and will you be able to trust him?

Good luck & best wishes!

[Orlando]

<<But, when it comes to sex, it is the same as it has always been. It’s great, but it is still just sex. There is no caressing, very little kissing, no hugging afterward. It is still down and dirty, raw sex. It makes me think I am reading too much into the phone calls and chit-chat stuff. I only have two friends I can talk with about this and one is way too straight-laced to be able to talk about the sex part with and the other is too close to the situation to give an unbiased answer.>>

Maybe "just sex" is the only way he knows how to do sex. I mention this because my SO was in a relationship in which I KNOW the guy adored her, but she confided to me that the sex was really great, but when it was over he was snoring in five minutes. I'm puzzled at how sex can be great and not have any follow up, no talking, no closeness afterwards. Sounds like disappointing sex to me. Wish I knew more about how women tick. Anyway, just know that guys can be deeply in love and have no idea how to express it sexually.

[sass]

Thank you all for your help. I guess I had not thought about me having so much more time to process the pregnancy and loss than he has had. I don't know why I had not considered that - maybe I have only been thinking about me and what I went through, etc. ???

I know that I have to figure out what I want, too. I can't expect him to know what he wants if I can't even figure it out. I have had so many really bad relationships that I have closed myself off to the idea of having a "normal" relationship again. That's why our arrangement seemed to work so well for me in the beginning. I am now having a hard time figuring out if it is him that I want or the baby.

Mikayla is certainly right that the sex-only relationship isn't possible any more. I am just having a hard time figuring out if we can have more, or if he even wants more. I have tried to ask him what he wants and he says he doesn't know, which I do believe, at least right now. He is still processing.

Orlando, what I mean by the sex is great is that when we are together, he physically gives me exactly what I want. Some guys, at least ones I have been with, can be intimidated by a woman who REALLY likes sex - one who gets as much out of the physical part of the experience has he does. This guy is not a bit intimidated. And he doesn't think less of me when I ask him to visit me at work just so I can give him a BJ in the parking lot, for example.

I guess my whole issue is trying to figure out if it is possible that he does have genuine feelings even though he doesn't always act like it. It seems the answer is "maybe" and that I am just going to have to bite the bullet (no pun intended, I would never hurt a toy - on purpose!) and talk to him again. I'll keep you posted, and thanks again. You all are great!!!

[Amylynn920]

Some people confuse really great sex with love, and I think women tend to do that alot.

How many women after sex with someone the first time want to blurt out the "I love you's" to the guy?

I think the only way you will know is to just ask him how he feels.

[sun_flower969]

Complicated... That is the best word for this! These things are never easy and almost always get ugly and end badly! I am sure that he has feelings for you or he would not continue. If you were dumb or boring to him then the sex would also become so. Plus he talks to you all the time! I bet he is confused. He may or may not love his SO but is confused about what exactly he feels for you. I am sure that even just if it is subconscious, he feels guilty too. If you really want to peruse, this you should ask him to think about the prospect of losing either one of you. Which is more painful? Ya know? I feel for you I really do. You must be so angst ridden! Clearly you have feelings for him but you also knew he was attached from the beginning. Now you are in deep. Being a girl sucks sometimes! I really just hope you don't get hurt!

[ladylove]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Every one has given you wonderful advice. Just decide what you want first. Can you separate sex from love?

Good luck!

[ginshreve]

Ladylove asks "can you separate sex from love?", and I think that is similar to the question MsLayD was asking at the beginning of the thread.

I don't know the answer, some of the wise ones on the board have talked about the neuro-chemical changes which happen to some degree in both men and women but seem to rear their ugly heads more with women when it comes to sex. (Probably related to the old "men are supposed to spread their seed around to insure propagation of the species" as opposed to women needing a protector and guard when childbearing and rearing.)

I know that for me, currently in a FWB relationship with a male (who is otherwise committed to someone else), it takes a lot of mental gymnastics to maintain romantic emotional distance. We share sexual appetites, great communication, willingness to play and a similar level of comfort with experimentation, and I consider us very sexually compatible as well as really good friends for some years before we added sex to the relationship. He typically is very cuddly and chatty afterwards, too. But I have to keep our relationship agreements in the front of my mind and keep myself very clear about what I am doing with this - and I have the feeling that if I did not keep myself very clear, it would be easy to slip into a "romance" type of relationship. It would be a comfortable and familiar pattern - for both of us, I suspect - but I think it would also bring our FWB relationship to an uneasy end, as I don't believe that level of relationship is sustainable for us.

Bottom line, I think you are really asking this question for the guys on the board. As women, we know we can do it and have done it - but can guys sustain the FWB only?

[sass]

Being a girl sucks sometimes!

Never have truer words been written! I still have not talked to him, but I know I have to. I have still be struggling to figure out what I want. I so appreciate all that everyone has said here. I can't really talk about this with anyone in my daily life, so this helps so much!

[Orlando]

Ladylove asks "can you separate sex from love?", and I think that is similar to the question MsLayD was asking at the beginning of the thread.

Bottom line, I think you are really asking this question for the guys on the board. As women, we know we can do it and have done it - but can guys sustain the FWB only?

My answer is "no." When I was younger I thought I enjoyed sex without the emotional connection. Once I experienced sex in a good, loving relationship I guess I was spoiled. I had an FWB for a while after my marriage ended, but the sex wasn't all that satisfying and the stress of maintaining it was pretty hard. I was an FWB for a woman for a year and didn't know it. She was secretly engaged to another man and was using me for playtime. I thought we were developing a relationship. It ended badly, but as I look back it's kind of gratifying that she thought sex with me was good enough that she risked her engagement to sleep with me.

[ladylove]

It's really refreshing to know males can't always separate sex and love. Thanks for the insight!

Being a female doesn't suck... find the silver lining!

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

But, when it comes to sex, it is the same as it has always been. It’s great, but it is still just sex. There is no caressing, very little kissing, no hugging afterward. It is still down and dirty, raw sex.

Is he able to separate out his emotional feelings during sex – almost like he “forgets” he has any real feelings? If a man really cares about a woman, can he have incredible sex with her and then just leave and go home to his other woman?

My first response is that men are very compartmental. They can and will separate unless for some reason they choose to integrate for their purpose. So, I think the questions of the "same old sex" and the "new changing friendship" are two separate issues. Sex can become habitual and routine very easily, so my guess is he is just into the groove of how you two have sex without stopping to add in the new dimension of what may or may not be changing on an interpersonal level.

All very complicated in some ways. My best advise is to talk to him about it. Open and honest communication is the only way to begin to build anything beyond the FWB level.

~LG