Please Tell Me I'm Not Wrong To Be Angry

[synirr]

I'm at my parents' house right now, and my BF is here with me. We're not allowed to sleep in the same bed.

I can understand that, he's the first guy I've ever formally introduced to my parents, and certainly the first to stay the night, so I'm sure it's weird for them. The problem is, they don't have two guest rooms, but they apparently don't want either of us to sleep on the couch either, so instead my dad is sleeping in their travel trailer, Will gets the guest room, and I get to sleep in bed with my mother!?!? WTF.

The bed is uncomfortable, my mom's dog sleeps in there and snores loudly all night... and oh, did I mention my mom is in there!?

They do this any time my grandmother and I are both visiting, but grandmother sleeps in the bed with my mom and I get the guest room, so that's fine with me. I'm honestly just not comfortable with this arrangement, but mom sprung it on me right before bed so there was no time to discuss it away from Will, and I didn't want to involve him... meeting the parents is awkward enough for him as it is, I'm sure. Until then I had just assumed they were going to be rational and we'd both be using the guest room.

Am I wrong to be upset about this? I'm 23, I've been seeing Will for over a year, and I would have thought my parents would at least be adult enough to allow me to have a good nights sleep in the house I lived in for 20 years. I'm not unsympathetic, and if they have two guest beds it would be a different story, but lord... this just isn't going to fly.

[Smile4Me]

LOL!! I'm so sorry to laugh, I just remember how it was, babe I'm sorry Synirr, I know exactly how ya feel. Are your parents very old fashioned or highly religious? My mom did the same thing to me before hubby and I eloped...she wouldn't allow us to sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed! I'm glad that's a thing of the past! Of course she'd be angry if she knew we did the dirty in her house, but somethings are better left unsaid <<<<mischievious grin>>>>

Have you talked to mom and pop about it? Some parents can never see their little pookie bear as anything but a 12 yr old little girl, even when they're 30! LOL My older sister is 30 and still has issues with mom and the topic of unrighteous sex (she's unmarried). I would definitely have to say something to mom about it, the behavior just seems to be a little rude to me, like they can't give you the respect of being an adult. Tell 'em how ya feel They're holding on to ya a little too tight.

[DADT]

You are still their "Little Girl." They love you. How long do you have to endure this injustice?

[angelkisses98]

I know for you this situation sucks. But, bottom line, it's your parents house, and you still have to abide by their rules. Your parents could have just as well made your boyfriend sleep on the couch or on the floor. I think it was pretty nice of your father to give up HIS bed with HIS WIFE so your boyfriend( to them their guest) could have a comfortable bed.

[ladylove]

Look, you're a 23 year old adult who lives independently of your parents and feels you should be given certain thing that you interpret as respect. You also understand you parents don't want you to sleep in the same room with your BF and you respect and understand that. What I'm hearing is you don't want to sleep with your mother and the dog. How Big is the bed? If the dog leaves, will it be ok to sleep with her in the same bed?; OR do you just feel it's uncomfortable to sleep in the same bed with mom? Or is it Dad's sleeping in the trailer? And why can't any one sleep on the couch? What about sleeping on the floor in the main living area, or the Master-bedroom?

I think you understand you will alway be their little girl, so sleeping in the same room with Mr. Wonderful, unless you are married will always be a no-no. However, (and this is were your going to have to prepare) for what ever option you want you are going to have to have a conversation with them. I suggest you don't wait until the next time you go, call them tell them how excited you were that they met Mr. Wonderful. Ask them what they thought. Tell them he was equally thrilled with them (even if he wasn't) have an upbeat conversation with them. Then tell them your but. Don't accuse. Let them know you felt bad putting your Dad out. Let them know sleep in the same room with the dog who snores was not restful for you. Do not tell them it was gross to sleep in the same bed with Mom even if you think it was. Give them a couple of acceptable options, not just one, in the same breath let them know you understand that the two of you sleeping in the same room is not exceptable and that's ok. You need to resolve, or at the very least make them think way before your next visit so you don't have ill feeling about going to Mom and Dad's house.

I really don't think you should be angry; after all you knew what was going to happen before you even got there.

Good Luck! I love to know you've resolved the situation.

[ladylove]

I had decided a whole ago to break the chain of 'stupid'. If my 23 year old son brings a woman home, I'm pretty sure that they are having sex. If not, it would be up to him to tell ME that they will have separate rooms. I sure was fucking my ass off at his age (and in all the girl's parent's houses, I might add), so I won't be a hypocrite and make rules that are just worthless formalities, despite any pretenses of my preferences for them to 'wait until they are married to have sex'. The same would apply to a daughter!

Of course, I was always 'doing it' when the parents were not in the home, as doing it when they are home, at age 23, is just a bit creepy (hell, even when you are 33 or 43 too), so even if my son has sex while I am in the bedroom next door, I figure he will be very quiet.

Yes it is my house, but the 'my rules' thing is absolutely absurd. He is an adult, making adult decisions. Sheesh. Sorry, done ranting now.

And would you feel the same way if you had a much youger daughter still living home?

[synirr]

Are your parents very old fashioned or highly religious?

Nope, neither. They're generally very sensible people, which is why this policy caught me off guard. They'd been doing a little better at treating me like an adult lately.

Your parents could have just as well made your boyfriend sleep on the couch or on the floor. I think it was pretty nice of your father to give up HIS bed with HIS WIFE so your boyfriend( to them their guest) could have a comfortable bed.

They couldn't have made him feel unwelcome if they want me to visit them... we'd have gone right back to Austin. It was nice of him I agree, but what would have been nicer is if they bothered to ask me where I wanted to sleep... I'd have gladly taken the trailer myself. That's what I hate, it's not that I'm an unreasonable person and they should know that by now, so I would have appreciated being asked.

OR do you just feel it's uncomfortable to sleep in the same bed with mom? Or is it Dad's sleeping in the trailer? And why can't any one sleep on the couch?

It's uncomfortable sleeping with her, I don't want dad to have to be banished to the trailer, and I did sleep on the couch, though that wasn't offered as an option probably because they thought it would make us feel unwelcome.

I really don't think you should be angry; after all you knew what was going to happen before you even got there.

Wasn't expecting it at all, actually. My parents aren't religious or conservative... hell, they never had a marriage ceremony, they just went down to the courthouse for their marriage certificate and I'm certain they were doing the horizontal mambo before that. I talk to my mom about birth control and stuff all the time. I figured they'd realize that letting us use the guest room was the sensible thing.

I'm going to offer to take the trailer tonight, but I know if I do Will is going to want to take it instead so I can have the guest room... I just wish anyone could be f*cking sensible.

[Mikayla1]

I'll tell you what...this sounds soooo familiar. When I brought my now-hubby home to meet parents he wasn't allowed to sleep in my room - or anywhere near me. We were ENGAGED for God sake. He was not allowed to be up in my room alone with me. I was 25 years old, had lived on my own for a long, long time. They KNEW I was having sex. However, that was 'their rules in their home.'

Now, about 8 years later when it was my bro's turn to date, miraculously HE was allowed to bring HIS gf there. Guess what? THEY GOT PREGNANT! Yep. Got preggo right up in his room! So, I thought, OK, they will go back to the old way with my sister. NOPE. She brought her man home, he slept up there - and actually lived there for many, many years before they got married - AND STILL LIVED THERE!

So, in retrospect...I am not angry at them any more - although I was at the time. I felt like they were being 'bad parents' by doing that to me and 'disprespecting' my adulthood. Now I look at it like, 'well, they respected me enough to not want to think of me 'doing it' in my twin sized bed.'

While I still don't agree with this rule (especially if your children are smart enough NOT to get pregnant) I do think that a parent has a right in their own home to prohibit things that make them uncomfortable. After all, going against that gave them an illegitimate granddaughter they never see and cost them thousands supporting my sister and bro in law!

Just saying....

[synirr]

When I think about it, they've actually been doing this bait-and-switch stuff my whole life, which makes it really hard to interact with them because I feel like I never have any clue what they really think or how they will react. Mom's fine with pre-marital sex, she even went with me to get birth control for the first time, so was I wrong to expect she'd be ok with us sleeping in the same bed? Then again, she also loves well-done tattoos, but cried when I showed her mine and asked me why I'd do that to myself. I'm tired of being the exception to every rule and value they have, these things are fine for other people and they always taught me that, but suddenly when I do it it's not ok. This is how I know their rational thinking just cuts off when I'm involved. I am what they made me, so why do they seem so surprised at how I turned out?

Maybe some of you didn't mind being treated that way by your parents, or maybe your parents had an excuse like religion, but I'm frankly pretty damn tired of being underestimated and treated like I'm 12 years old, and it's time this stops. This is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I love my parents and I know they love me, but I just can't stand doing this anymore. It has been pretty hard to learn how to be an adult and have confidence in my own judgement with this going on. I've been saving my money, planning for the future, taking care of myself and my freakin' zoo of animals in my apartment all alone, and I bloody well deserve to be treated like an adult for once in my life.

[Mikayla1]

Then, go with your gut, and either tell them how you feel - or don't stay there until they let you come with your own terms. Right on Synirr!

[kjellis]

Kind of makes me think back to that scene from Meet the Parents where Jack says to Greg:

Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?

Greg: Of course, yeah.

Jack: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

[mailahn97]

I am sorry but out of respect for my parents I never assumed things like this. I was engaged for over 2 years and we would go to visit my parents, but out of respect for them we slept seperately. The way I see it. You can deal with it for a few days. If the person means a lot to you...you guys have plenty of time to share a bed. Just not worth an argument. Now if you were married then I would say ya then I would be mad. My brother and I were both this way. Just my opinion.

[Tyger]

Well, I know what you mean, absolutely! But, my mother's the opposite, in a way. She use to be very well-mannered, polite, caring, and selfless, considerate, giving, and sympathetic. She was an English teacher and prided herself on how well she behaved and used manners all the time, even at home. Shoot, she'd fart in bed, alone and say "excuse me"! LOL

Now, it's like total reverse! She is selfish, rude, close-minded, and she won't say excuse me or anything, at least at home.

She'd be very judgemental (still is), and not even know she was doing so. I feared telling her I had herpes, cuz of some of the snide comments that she'd make when she'd see Valtrex commercials. I felt I HAD to tell her cuz I had to have our baby via c-section because of it, and I didn't want the nurses/doctor to slip & have her find out that way. Now, she watches what she says about STDs, usually.

I don't know what happened to the kind, polite person that was my mother. She's not cruel, but I find her very hypocritical many a times.

I'm assuming you're just staying there for a week or so? If so, you really should just accept their rules. Their house, their rules. It's only for a short while, and the "suffering" won't be for long. I'd go with offering to use the trailer to sleep, since you don't want to put anyone out, and you can't sleep due to not being use to sleeping with your mother and her snoring dog. Tell them that. Let them know that to make the visit more pleasant, you need your sleep. I know I'm an uber bitch when I am overtired. If they don't want your BF out there in the trailer with you to sleep, then you should accept that too. It's their trailer.

I'd be willing to bet that they were a bit more open-minded so long as what you were doing wasn't right in their face. Birth control good, but KNOWING you're having sex for sure, bad. Seeing beautiful tattoos on someone good, seeing your daughter, whom you hold precious above all else getting tattoos that will permantently "scar" your body, BAD. You will always be held to a higher standard, no matter what you do. It's the parent's way of thinking.

I would let your mother know that you find her behavior and attitude a bit confusing though. Maybe after you go back home though. That way, the visit can be pleasant and respectful, and you can really have a chance to seperate the irritation of sleeping elsewhere, away from what you truly want to say. But, don't be surprised if they still want y'all to sleep in seperate beds when you visit. If that's something you don't like, you can either borrow or buy your own travel trailer (which they'd have no say in who sleeps in it) and park it in their yard for your visit, or you can rent a hotel room for your privacy.

Best of luck!!

[pappyld04]

They pay the bills, they make the rules. Suggesting a different, but like-minded variation is fine, but to suggest that you are to be afforded certain respect is not acceptable. Their reasons do not have to be spoken. This really appears to me to be your lack of respect for your parents not the other way around!

[ToyQueen]

I really agree with Shortstuff and Pappy on this one. I can understand not being able to sleep, and asking for different arrangements because of that, but it is their house and their rules, and they shouldn't have to explain that to you.

[mystofpric]

It seems to me that it's annoying that you and your bf can't sleep together, but you can deal, right? It seems like its being forced to sleep in your parents bed that is bugging you. THIS I GET!!!! I'm sorry, I know what my parents do (or did, they did beget me somehow right?) and I don't want to be in their bed. In fact I don't even go in their room! I'd say this: talk to your parents tell them that you are uncomfortable sleeping in your mom's bed and would respectfully prefer the couch.

I would say this though: Wait to have teh respect converstation. I agree 100% with how you feel. However now is not the time, cause it's hard to get back to this level of respect if you fight argue and storm off (something i would do, have done). Plus, think about how weird it would be for Will if you and your parents get into an arguement! So ask for the couch now, and question their veiw of you later.

I said veiw of you because they just don't seem to be veiwing you as an adult, and a responible one at that. It isn't that they don't respect you it's that they don't see you as an adult, yet.

[pappyld04]

Sleeping with your parent is one thing I get your view on!

[littlefriend]

I really see no need in you being angry. If you would prefer to sleep on the couch, then mention this to them. But to expect to sleep with your boyfriend in your parents house at any age to me is being disrespectful.

[synirr]

Turns out I was right.... they were being silly. I slept on the couch, and we talked about it this morning when mom woke up and I got to speak to her alone. Apparently she didn't really want to have to discuss it with dad and didn't think to ask me where I'd prefer to sleep, so she just took the easy way out. After I offered to take the trailer tonight if it made her uncomfortable for us to sleep together she said she didn't care if we slept in the same bed, so I finished out my night in the guest room and will be sleeping there tonight

Looks like I know my parents pretty well after all... there was no valid reason for the arrangement.

[ladylove]

Turns out I was right.... they were being silly. I slept on the couch, and we talked about it this morning when mom woke up and I got to speak to her alone. Apparently she didn't really want to have to discuss it with dad and didn't think to ask me where I'd prefer to sleep, so she just took the easy way out. After I offered to take the trailer tonight if it made her uncomfortable for us to sleep together she said she didn't care if we slept in the same bed, so I finished out my night in the guest room and will be sleeping there tonight

Looks like I know my parents pretty well after all... there was no valid reason for the arrangement.

Good for you. I'm so glad everything worked out.

[12GAUGE]

When I think about it, they've actually been doing this bait-and-switch stuff my whole life, which makes it really hard to interact with them because I feel like I never have any clue what they really think or how they will react. Mom's fine with pre-marital sex, she even went with me to get birth control for the first time, so was I wrong to expect she'd be ok with us sleeping in the same bed? Then again, she also loves well-done tattoos, but cried when I showed her mine and asked me why I'd do that to myself. I'm tired of being the exception to every rule and value they have, these things are fine for other people and they always taught me that, but suddenly when I do it it's not ok. This is how I know their rational thinking just cuts off when I'm involved. I am what they made me, so why do they seem so surprised at how I turned out?

Maybe some of you didn't mind being treated that way by your parents, or maybe your parents had an excuse like religion, but I'm frankly pretty damn tired of being underestimated and treated like I'm 12 years old, and it's time this stops. This is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I love my parents and I know they love me, but I just can't stand doing this anymore. It has been pretty hard to learn how to be an adult and have confidence in my own judgement with this going on. I've been saving my money, planning for the future, taking care of myself and my freakin' zoo of animals in my apartment all alone, and I bloody well deserve to be treated like an adult for once in my life.

Well that's all well and good but I would have to agree w/Mikayla on this one. While in the eyes of the Law and all 50 states you are an adult at 23, it IS your Mom and Dads house. Their place their rules. It may not be fair and you think they don't respect you. Maybe so, maybe not. Hey!! Thats life like it or lump it. DONT SWEAT THE PETTY STUFF, PET THE SWEATY STUFF... What's wrong with you and the bf getting a motel for the night? JUST my .02 worth.

[synirr]

We didn't have to get a motel, it all boiled down to my mom not wanting to have to discuss it with my dad.

[pappyld04]

In the end I will say you handled this in a mature way, and kept the young man from a possibly uncomfortable situation!

[synirr]

Thanks Pappy, I tried

Just to clarify as well, this situation was never about us sleeping in separate beds... I didn't have a problem with that, and if my parents really wanted it that way it would have been fine. I just wanted my own bed to sleep in rather than sleeping with my mom, which is why I offered to sleep in the trailer. I'm a guest in my parents' house, but do hosts usually ask their guests to share a bed with them, or do they offer all acceptable options and let the guest decide? Exactly.