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A Smile For Today


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A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry no beers to bears in bars in Boise"

The bear said "Look, im hot, im tired, I have been scaring tourists all day, just gimme a beer and im gone"

The barkeep replied, "sorry, no beers to bears in bars in Boise"

The bear once again pleaded with the bartender for a beer and was again told "Sorry, no beers to bears in bars in Boise"

The bear at this point was furious, and he said "You see that woman down at the end of the bar? if you dont give me a beer, I am going to go down there and eat her."

The bartender replied again, "Sorry no beers to bears in bars in Boise"

The bear, true to his word, went down to the end of the bar, picked up the woman, and swallowed her whole.

Then he returned to his seat and said "Now can I PLEASE have a beer? that was really nasty and I'd like something to wash it down with"

The bartender said "Sorry, no beers to bears on drugs in bars in Boise"

The bear said "Drugs?, what drugs? I am not on drugs"

The bartender said "Oh yeah? well what about that barbitchyouate?"

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Thanks for the smile Whiskey...more people should take time in their day to pass on a funny!



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A man and his wife rented a lovely little cabin in the woods for their vacation.

Every morning the man would take their small rowboat onto the lake and fish from dawn until about noon, he would, and clean his catch then shower and take a nap.

The woman would take the rowboat into the middle of the lake and read her book.

One afternoon, a game warden happened upon the little rowboat with the woman reading.

He asked "Ma'am, may I please see your fishing license?"

She replied, "Why? I'm not fishing, heck I don't even know HOW to fish"

He told her "Yes, I see this, but I am afraid I will have to fine you for fishing without a license"

She looked at him stunned and asked "Why"

He pointed to the bottom of the boat at the poles and tackle box," well, you have all the equipment nessicary, for all I know you could start at any time"

She said "Fine, go ahead and give me the ticket, I wil call your boss and file charges of sexual harassment"

The warden who was shocked said "I haven't touched you"

The lady smiled sweetly and replied "You have all the equipment nessicary, for all I know you could start at any time"

The moral of this story: never mess with a woman who reads.

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This koala bear goes to NYC on vacation. It's his first time in the "big city" and wants to experience something he never has before, so he finds himself a prostitute.

After they are done their sexual romp, the prostitute holds out her hand for her money.

The koala bear says, "why're you doing that?" The prostitute says, "Don't you know what I am?" "No" replied the koala.

So the prostitute finds a dictionary, flips thru it, until she finds the word "PROSTITUTE" and hands it over to the koala. He reads: PROSTITUTE-A PERSON WHO SELLS SEX FOR MONEY.

The koala asks her if she knew what HE was, and she said "No." So he flips thru, finds KOALA, gets up and walks out the door.

Dumbfounded, she looks down into the dictionary to read: KOALA-SMALL FURRY ANIMAL THAT EATS BUSH AND LEAVES".

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Joe (not his real name) dies suddenly and finds himself at the Pearly Gates being judged. St. Peter faces Joe with a stern look and points to a long set of stairs with smoke billowing from them. Joe is crushed, but he turns and proceeds to walk down the stairs.

After a week or so in the fiery depths, Joe approches Satan with an offer. "You know," says Joe, "it's pretty miserable down here. It's really hot, there's no ventilation, the lighting is poor, and the air really smells." Satan appears uninterested, but Joe continues, "I've been an engineer all my life and, with your permission, I'd like to fix this place up a bit." Satan looks at Joe with a mocking expression and mumbles, "Whatever."

In a few weeks Satan comes by Joe again and takes a look around. Joe's installed track lighting, there are huge fans venting all the smoke, HEPA filters are maintaining high air quality, and there's air conditioning. Pretty soon everyone's much happier and Joe's become quite a legend.

God hears about this and asks Satan how he managed to make it so comfortable. Satan replies, "It's that engineer you set me, the guy's a genius!." God's shocked, "An engineer? Who sent you an engineer? It's a mistake, send him back immediately!." Satan refuses, "No way are you getting him!" God's infuriated, "Send him back now or... I'll sue you!" Satan roars with laughter, "And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

(Sorry Howard!) :rolleyes:

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After a long night of lovemaking, the man rolls over and happened to notice a framed photo of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

He inquired nervously, "Is that your husband?"

"No, silly" she replied snuggling up to him.

He asked"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, not at all " she said and began nibbling on his ear.

"Is it your dad or brother?" he asked hoping to be reassured.

"no, no, no!" she answered

"well then who is it?" demanded the guy.

Kissing her way down his chest, she very calmly replied "thats me before the surgery"

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This made me smile today.

Two men waiting at the pearly gates struck up a conversation,"How'd you die? the first man asked the second.

" I froze to death", said the second. "How about you?"How'd you die?" "I had a heart attack" said the firs. "I knew my wife was cheating on me, so I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone. Then I ran down to the basement, but no was hiding there, either. Then I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a heart attack and died.

The second man shook his head. "That's ironic", he said. "If you would have looked in the freezer first, we'd both still be alive.

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LOL good one Katprr.

I heard a doozy today, and I know men everywhere will be crossing their legs by the end of this one.

My apologies in advance gentlemen.......................................

A woman was having an affair, and her husband instinctivly KNEW it.

He showed up early one day from work, the woman and her lover were going at it when she heard the car pull up.

In a frantic rush he tried hiding under the bed, the kids room, in the master bath, nope, nowhere to hide.

Finally in a last minute panic, she quickly shoved her lover into the closet and closed the doors, trapping his balls on the outside.

He came in and saw his wife naked in the bed, he asked what was going on.

She replied, she was waiting for him to get home so they could make love.

The husband obliged, the whole time the lover was in the closet, with his balls trapped in the door.

When they were finished and the husband was getting dressed, he noticed the strangely shaped thing protruding from the closet door.

"Honey? whats that?" he asked pointing at the mans now swollen and blue balls.

"Oh, those are the blue bells of london, I picked them up earlier from a curio shop"

He took his finger and tapped them, "I don't hear them ringing" he said

Well, maybe it takes a bit more than a light tap" she replied

he took a pencil and tapped them "I don't hear them rining" he said

"Well, mabe something a little more sturdier than a pencil"

The man picked up is shoe and smacked them twice,.

Getting upset he said "I don't hear them ringing"

He picked up a hammer and smacked them, "I DON'T HEAR THEM RINGING"

He ran to the garage and returned with a 20 pound sledge.

He smacked them twice then yelled at his wife "I DON'T HEAR THEM RINGING"

at which point the man in the closet half crying, half yelling said


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A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrollably, barely able to breathe.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make 'em all ugly again!"

Not all those who wander are lost. -JRR Tolkien

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THANKS FOR THE SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A little old lady was zooming down the halls of the retirement home in her wheelchair.

She was making the noises of her tires squealing and her engine racing.

She turned the corner sqealing her tires when and old man jumped out "Hey you, pull over " he said.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" he asked her, the he said "I need to see your license, registration and insurance"

She rummaged through her sweater pocket and handed him a gum wrapper, he studied it closely then said "Ok you can go, just slow it down"

Later that afternoon, the little old lady was happily racing up and down the halls, tires squealing, and engine roaring.

The same old man jumped out from behind the food cart, "Hey you, pull over" he said.

"Don't you know this is a 25 mile zone?" he asked, "I'm sorry officer " replied the woman.

"OK, lets see your license lady" said the old man.

So she rummaged around in her pockets till she found an old store reciept.

After studying it for a while he said "OK your free to go, but don't let me catch you speeding again!"

Later that evening, the little old lady was zooming along the halls yet again, this time the old man jumped out of his room and threw open his robe revealig he was wearing nothing underneath, the old lady cried out "OH NO, not the breathalizer again!"

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There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted

>organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said

>something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.


>One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her

to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.


The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit

and said.......


"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a

thermon tewday"

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Good Friends

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust

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Virginia Pepalini

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Virginia Pepalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Virginia Pepalini." replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

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Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from an Alaska Air flight attendant..."I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptopand typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

"Before takeoff...Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going toSan Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end.

If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did.

We have pretty blinking lights on thefloor that will blink in the direction of the exits.

White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now.

The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there,promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.

If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety featuresof this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer.

It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips.. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking inthe lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light.

Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight.

Thank you

for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money.

If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing.

It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault.It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

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I heard this one today and thought it was cute.

Two married buddies were at a bar one night when one turned to the other and said," Whenever I go out drinking I park around the corner from my house and try to sneak in the backdoor, but I always seem to wake up my wife. Then she yells at me for being out so late."

"You're taking the wrong approach," the other guy said. "I screech into the driveway, slam the front door and yell to my wife that I am want a blowjob. By the time I get upstairs she's sound asleep.

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The angry preacher...

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

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A young gay man goes to see his Dr. for his yearly check up,

The Dr. listens to his heart and goes to listen to his lungs, he tells the man " Say Seventy Seven"

The man takes a deep breath and says in a dainty voice" Seventy Seven"

The Dr. continues his exam, he grabs the guys family jewels and says "When I squeeze, say Seventy Seven"

So the Doc gives the guy a good hard squeeze and the man says in his dainty voice" Oh My! Seventy Seven"

The Doc grabs a glove and the KY, and lubes the man up and sticks his finger in his anus, he then tells the man "Say Seventy Seen"

The man takes a deep breath and in his dainty voice said "One, Two,Three..."

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