Women - Knock It Off!

[Sunday]

love and sex may be linked for YOU but that doesn't mean your definition of love should be shoved on everyone else.

I think I know you. Do you sleep on the left hand side of king size Amish oak bed with a white down comforter? 'Cause this sounds REALLY familiar.

[Guest eminatic]

I think I know you. Do you sleep on the left hand side of king size Amish oak bed with a white down comforter? 'Cause this sounds REALLY familiar.

no, i sleep in an all pink twin size bed. =/

[Mikayla1]

The fact is, they are not on the same wavelength here when it comes to sex, and my friend is not the one in the wrong! He has been working on this issues for YEARS and has been very patient. He has tried repeatedly to talk and fix things - she is unwilling.

I think what it boils down to is this: it is MUCH easier to say 'I love you' than to show it. Sex is a physical expression of intimacy and love in a marriage. She is unable to provide that for whatever reason. Therefore, there is a major disconnect there.

[mailahn97]

The fact is, they are not on the same wavelength here when it comes to sex, and my friend is not the one in the wrong! He has been working on this issues for YEARS and has been very patient. He has tried repeatedly to talk and fix things - she is unwilling.

I think what it boils down to is this: it is MUCH easier to say 'I love you' than to show it. Sex is a physical expression of intimacy and love in a marriage. She is unable to provide that for whatever reason. Therefore, there is a major disconnect there.

I totally agree. You see nowadays people throw I love you around so easily for one. Affection and intimacy are wonderful ways of letting a partner know that you care. It is ashame and I wish them the best, but considering the many avenues he has tried in my opinion it is higly unlikely that it will work out.

[mystofpric]

oh please, spare me the attitude

also for those who keep using religion in the defense that sex is REQUIRED, most religions also say that the ONLY reason you can have sex is to produce children- NOT for pleasure or love.

"was it all a lie you told yourself and your ex?"

yes, as explained in great detail in numerous posts.

obviously what the expression means is that sex does not equate to love and vice versa....but yea...go ahead and take it literally if you want....love is also a second grade spelling word, FYI

love and sex may be linked for YOU but that doesn't mean your definition of love should be shoved on everyone else.

Look Em, I'm not attacking you, I'm not copping an attitude. I didn't come back to the site for this.

Mikayla, I wish your friend the best.

[admiraltolokus]

"'I just don't want sex, I could go the rest of my life without it!'" I've heard that out of two former girlfriends of mine and it never made sense... for me it was code worded for 'this relationship will end soon' and those two times it did because quite frankly.. I don't have a full lifespan to wait til she is ready for more than just saying "I love you' 'no I love you more" lines. I got only now and tomorrow and there is more to a relationship and love than just saying "I love you" give a little kiss and go out the door to work. Also I do agree with ladylove on this, she could be hiding something. However, it could be as chloegirl says and she is just having trouble communicating herself in that way, but then its like Mikayla is saying and he is on the ball then she needs to hop on board as well.

But as someone who is unmarried, my opinion does little justice I think, perhaps we would have to wait and see what happens?

[pappyld04]

I have always said that marriage is the number 1 cause of divorce and this post just supports this! ANY partner who thinks that the preacher man is an excuse to show their other side is a joke of a person! I don't care about the sex of the person. Too many people playing games with their prospective mates!!!!! When the game changes, so do the rules! I hope your friend finds a great partner who will appreciate and love him!

[square]

. . . I even offered to watch their kids when he books a B & B for a weekend, she was 'too busy' to go.

. . .

Too busy??? What else is she married to besides her husband??

[littlemissnonamegirl]

GRRR...This woman needs a major reality check, like HELLO?

[sun_flower969]

It's basically like everyone has always said....communication is key!!! But sometimes between some people there is just this disconnnection, they are unable to come right out and speak their needs or unable to accept that they may be missing something, and no matter how much you talk it out and try they just can't see or accept it or get past the old patterns no matter how much they love each other. And the years go by........

I love what you said here Chloe! ...and sadly in so many relationships this is the case...

[Tyger]

Most of the points here were fantastic. I always have a sad issue with Em's posts, and why she feels the way she does, however, she is not the topic of this post.

I just wanted to add a couple of things:

Maybe the woman is scared to get pregnant again? Maybe she doesn't want any more kids? I know this has been a BIG mood killer for me, especially recently. I'm trying to get out of it, and hopefully, once I go back to work, I can save up what's neccassary to have my tubes tied, cut, burned, plugged and so on! LOL

Also, it sounds like she is emotionally withdrawn from him, and is too lazy to stick with a plan to reconnect. I mean, come on!! Who, in their right mind, would turn down an offer to watch the kids for a night so that they could have some fun with their spouse?

They may have gone to counselling, but it obviously hasn't taken. A few months doesn't cure all. Again, there is the feeling that she's too lazy to keep up with it. I have a friend as well, that's in this boat. His wife is obese, and has made several plans to get gastric bypass done. They're on state aide, and has been approved. They don't have custody of the kids due to something SHE did, so they don't have the child excuse, and it's been almost 2 yrs, and she keeps putting it off. She can't even get out of bed! He stays, because he made a commitment to her and his family, even though he's lucky to get it once every 5 months.

The point of that was that men & women need to follow thru, especially in a marriage! Changing is HARD to do, but you have to stick with it, and continue to practice what you're working on. Falling back into ruts is too easy to do. Again, sounds like she is LAZY.

She may love him, but I wonder if it's more of a friendly roommate sort of love. Does she feel that giving him 2 kids is it, she's done her job, been a good wife, and given him kids, so that's it, thank you very much. Door's closed? Sounds like it.

The only other thing I will say is, that, though she's been spoken too, and the man's been talking too, you NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors. Many couples put on the "out in public" face, even those that are so out there usually, so, we never can truly know what's said, how things work, or what it's like in their house. There could be hidden resentments there that neither one really want to divulge.

I wish them the best of luck......they're gonna need it!!

[square]

. . . I even offered to watch their kids when he books a B & B for a weekend, she was 'too busy' to go. . . .

Talked about this all with my wife . . . she says you can come watch our kids while we go off on a fuck retreat

[Mikayla1]

Talked about this all with my wife . . . she says you can come watch our kids while we go off on a fuck retreat

Sure, what weekend do you want to go away?

Tyger, you hit lots of good points! My friend had a vasectomy after baby #2 because she didn't want to have more, and she wasn't going to have the surgery to fix herself. So I doubt that it is fear of pregnancy - at least not with him.

She is lazy, in general, when it comes to certain things. I did find out over the weekend that she admitted she is a bit 'upset' with my friend's added weight. He has put on maybe 20 pounds over the years, and realistically, doesn't look that bad. He was confronting her about her lack of affection and she said something to the effect of 'well, you have changed to 'Joe' - look at your belly!' That means she is not being completely honest.

I could understand if he was totally obese and that was upsetting, but no, he is just a little bit heavier and she too has gained weight, so is it just an excuse?

[square]

I think if you love someone, y'oughta be able to overlook 20 pounds. 100, maybe not. But 20 is not much.

[sun_flower969]

I think if you love someone, y'oughta be able to overlook 20 pounds. 100, maybe not. But 20 is not much.

Agreed! My husband was about 175 when we got married... now he is like 220! I swear it doesn't even faze me! I know he would say the same about me... not about the 220 pounds but you KWIM! LOL

[nu_2_toyz]

I have had periods in my life where I called myself "Asexual". Meaning i had no interest in sex at all, for various reasons. Anyway, during couples therapy the therapist had us set up a "sex" night. We set Friday night as the night. I have to say for quite awhile I resented these nights but I complied. Now looking back I am glad I did and I don't know if it was that or my change in age or what but my sex drive increased alot. The therapist said it was a "fake it til you make it" situation and it was.

I figured out that if you asked me "do u want to have sex?" the answer would always be no, but if the refusal part was taken out, I couldn't make my laundry list of excuses. They must set up a sex night and stick to it, even if it is just a quickie or oral only.....JMHO

[Fhawk]

I don't agree here. Mikayla states, they had a very active satisfying sex life 'once upon a time'.

I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.)

'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies.

Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation.

The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control.

It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them.

The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.

[michelle16]

I read through some of the replies here but there were so many i couldn't read them all so I just wanna add my 2 cents. I have struggled with sexual issues at times but most of my problems stem from insecureties and apparently she doesn't have to much to be insecure about.

Did you guys ever think that maybe just maybe he doesn't do it for her anymore. Please don't bash me but i had this problem in a past relationship. It is very stressful when you are so excited to make love to your man and the moment is right and BAM its over and your left with no satisfaction. Maybe "JOE" has offered to "finish her off" but to be honest that is not the same as making love to your man begining to end. Sharing an amazing orgasm together is much better then him saying im sorry but im done already you want me to get you off. I know you guys get where i'm going with this. So instead of setting herself up for failure its easier to do the job herself.

And ok maybe she didn't mention that to you but she knows how close you are to "JOE" would she really emberess her husband the man she loves by telling you that very intimate detail. Think about that a lil before you keep judging her.

There are 3 sides to every story: person 1, person 2 and the truth.

[michelle16]

I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.)

'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies.

Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation.

The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control.

It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them.

The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.

I would just like to say this was very well put!!

[mimi_sue_s]

perhapes a frank talk to her OBGYN Maybe she hhas something really out of wack.

[ladylove]

I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.)

'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies.

Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation.

The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control.

It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them.

The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.

I think all your points are well taken. However, one should be willing to work on the issues in there relationship, as well as their own issues, if they want and expect any relationship to flourish. The refusal to be proactive for ones-self, weather it be for themselves or for their relationship is counter productive no matter what the situation is. My opinion is work toward success or walk away. Being married or being in any committed long term romantic relationship is a lot of hard work, if your not willing to give it your all, you've already left the rest is semantics.

[Sunday]

I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.)

'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies.

Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation.

The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control.

It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them.

The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.

Thank you for this wonderful post. In many ways the situation between these two people mirrors my relationship. I've spent a lot of time being confused, hurt, and angry. I've questioned myself, my manhood, my reason for being in the relationship. Once place I haven't gone is expressed in your last sentence:

" The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him."

Our relationship is pretty much dead now, and your words give me a way to let go of some my my own hurt and anger as I kick through the ashes. I feel sorry for her. I am going to feel loved again. She may never experience it.

[sun_flower969]

I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.)

'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies.

Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation.

The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control.

It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them.

The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.

Kudos!

[ladylove]

Thank you for this wonderful post. In many ways the situation between these two people mirrors my relationship. I've spent a lot of time being confused, hurt, and angry. I've questioned myself, my manhood, my reason for being in the relationship. Once place I haven't gone is expressed in your last sentence:

" The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him."

Our relationship is pretty much dead now, and your words give me a way to let go of some my my own hurt and anger as I kick through the ashes. I feel sorry for her. I am going to feel loved again. She may never experience it.

I'm sorry your relationship is broken, but I commend you for taking a positive action for yourself. You do deserve to be loved, You will be loved again.

[12GAUGE]

I don't agree here. Mikayla states, they had a very active satisfying sex life 'once upon a time'.

Is this poor guys wife some kind of religious prude?? It says in the Bible its a wifes duty to honor her husband. As I see it honoring her husband means loving him in the most carnal manner. She needs to put her selfishness aside and take care of her hubby.